Faith and spring cleaning

  

As you know, spring has sprung and it’s a new month (yay!), so the plan for the blog is to continue talking through a bit of spring cleaning over the next couple of weeks. As usual, I will release two articles a week, that’ll help de-clutter one aspect of life. Last week, I wrote about everyone’s favourite topic and not awkward at all, money. I wrote quite honestly about my personal experiences with money and what I have learned and continued to learn about making it, making more and maintaining it all. Managing money is about anything but the actual money. It is about you, the person controlling the money. It is about your ability to practice the art of self-restraint, your ability to see past feeding your current want, your ability to discipline the present you, to serve the future you. Like most good things, having good, positive financial habits and sticking to a solid, long-term financial plan cannot and does not happen overnight, you have to work your way up.

This week, I want to discuss something quite different, so please stay with me. I feel like it is time to do a little spring cleaning of your faith, and sort of, belief system. Now, I feel it is important to mention that I, Nini, am a Christian, so naturally, a lot of what I know and have to say, is rooted in that. However, I also feel this will be relevant and serve you, whether or not you are on a similar journey. French writer, François-Marie Arouet, popularly known as Voltaire once wrote “Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd,” and he was right. The word “absurd” also means wildly unreasonable, illegal or inappropriate. Needless to say, I started to feel a little offended, mainly because I am a girl who constantly craves certainty… and justifies it and sometimes feel superior and more ‘adult’ for it. But I don’t think Voltaire meant to be offensive at all, because if you think about it, accepting that certainty is absurd and ceasing pursuit of it, is more comforting than having certainty itself can ever be. This quote basically implies that doubt is not the opposite of certainty, which sounds a little crazy and counterintuitive, but maybe this is just the way we have been conditioned to think. Maybe we crave certainty not to know, maybe we crave certainty to have control and power over every situation or obstacle we face. Thus, it follows that certainty and the craving thereof, is absurd because at the end of the day, we only have agency over our reactions and nothing else. And maybe if we recognized that this in itself is a power, we won’t feel so helpless when we are faced with obstacles and challenges and difficulty. Full autonomy is beyond our reach, and the earlier we realize that accepting this isn’t giving up or giving in, and make peace with it, the earlier we can find peace and make progress. 

I recently started going to a new church in Toronto and it has been crazy and a little freaky how the messages have been spot on for three weeks in a row. But I think this also speaks to the universe conspiring to tell us what we need to hear at every point and how we need to do our part in being mindful of ourselves and our surroundings at all times. We are not totally helpless, we can listen, we can make space for quietness and stillness and meditation and calm, we can do that. I have been speaking on here about how a couple of things haven’t exactly gone the way I wanted them to, over the last couple of weeks. I have always struggled and sometimes, still struggle mentally, to stay in a positive space when things don’t go my way, but let me just tell you, it gets better, maybe not immediately or all at once or the way you imagine it happening, but it does and it will. You just have to be willing to put up a good fight. Sanity is a daily battle… for everyone. No matter where you live in the world, if you watch the news for a few minutes, you will be able to count at least five things you need to worry about. For me, I feel like God has put people in my life, and put me in certain situations to remind me of what I do have, and of the fact that He is mindful of me because it can be quite hard to see when you are the middle of it. I know that these moments of clarity are beautiful and amazing but they can also be fleeting. So, when I don’t feel as good, I make it a point to remind myself that the certainty I so desperately crave is purely egotistical and self-serving. I have done quite well with this part recently but ask me again in a couple of weeks.

Thoughts and words are incredibly powerful, so powerful, I cannot even tell you. I feel like I have said on here that I struggle with my self-confidence and maintaining positive thoughts about myself. Which if you knew anything about me or my life, you’ll know that I have roughly a million things to be grateful for, but I can’t help it, sometimes I just don’t feel like a miracle, not even close. Negative thoughts often hold me back from taking full advantage of certain situations and really enjoying the moment. A couple of months ago, I was asked to share in my church in Nigeria and afterwards I got a ton of positive feedback. My parents told me over and over again how proud they were, of me, and I remember asking what I could have done better. My dad said he thought it was perfect but I spoke a little fast. In his slight, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, he complemented me over and over again and stressed how he thought my thoughts were so complex and multidimensional, that it would help if I went slower, just so that people would follow easier. But noooooo. I spent the following week thinking about how I spoke too fast and by the end of the week, I had convinced myself that my life would somehow be better if I spoke slower. It just bored down to my confidence being so brittle and and of course, you can only speak to the abundance of your heart and mine is constantly filled with doubt. 

However, I am learning that doubt is not always negative thing. I am learning that I have been giving doubt all the power that should have been mine, this whole time. I am learning now that doubt is only the raw material, the thing that is always going to be there. Therefore, it is up to me to decide how I react to it and what I do with it. I can either fan the flames and ignite it into fear and negative thoughts or take inventory. As renowned theologian and classical scholar of philosophy once said “doubt comes in at the window when inquiry is denied at the door.” So, it is important to allow yourself to be inquisitive but as my Pastor Jess says, “don’t get stuck on the why.” Don’t get so set on figuring out why that it becomes self-serving and egotistical. I have learned not to get stuck on asking God why because a lot of my questions have been answered in His word and why should I make Him answer the same question twice, I know I won’t. His word is very detailed that way, it tells you about His character, what makes Him angry, what makes Him happy, what He expects you to do as His child, it’s pretty straight forward really. I say “straightforward,” the instructions are, it is the following through part that is always a little shaky. 

But let me tell you, it is very different for people, you need to question the hell out of people, especially new ones. I ask as many questions as I need to make a decision and make peace with the fact that someone being bad  for me or not quite right for me, doesn’t make them a bad person. If a person makes you feel like you cannot ask questions, then run away, ok homie? Don’t go through with things you feel even slightly uneasy about because you always know before you know. It is perfectly alright to say no, no matter how deep you feel you are or how far you think you have gone.  If someone in your life does something you are uncomfortable with, it is your right to question them. Doubting yourself is one thing and already unpleasant enough, but continuing to open yourself up to people you don’t feel 100% comfortable with, is an unnecessary burden, and probably a little dangerous. While we are here, get rid of any and all “I should probably…” A lot of the time, we wait for earth-shattering signs to confirm what we already know is right or wrong. Well maybe God doesn’t give you the certainty you want because He already gave it to you. It is no longer about the earthquakes and volcanoes and tornados and burning bushes, it is about the little nudges and the seemingly random thoughts and simple conversations. 

It is about the “I should probably…” I should probably wear a scarf in case it gets cold. I should probably not swear so much. I should probably not eat that. I should probably give those jeans I don’t wear anymore to my sister (Maye, this may or may not be for you). I should probably give increase the amount I give on Sunday. I should probably volunteer at so and so. Stop. Just do it. Worse case?you’re wrong and I mean, call me crazy, but I think there are worse things. Literally condition your mind to be willing to receive what God is telling you or if you don’t feel like He is telling you anything? As my Queen Julie says, what has He already said about what you are going through? And if you are like me, you will need to remind yourself every day, multiple times a day on some days. Faith or worry, choose one. Doubt is the first step but you decide the rest of the staircase.

How to put your money where your mouth is

         As you know, spring has finally sprung, so the plan for the blog is to talk through a bit of spring cleaning over the next couple of weeks. Basically, I will release two articles a week (Monday and Thursday) that help de-clutter one aspect of life. This week, I have been writing about money, how to make it and how to maintain it. Speaking from my personal experiences, I know that money can be quite a difficult thing to manoeuvre, especially because in this time of millennials, money and personal financial patterns have fundamentally changed. Thus, it is important to be vigilant and adapt. On Monday, I spoke about making money moves and focused on the role of making connections and building a professional network in securing the bag. However, making money moves also means literally racking up a good amount of money in your bank account, which is what I will be speaking to in this article.

American feminist, journalist, and social political activist, Gloria Steinem once said “the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off,” so get ready because if you are anything like me, things are going to get real very quickly. Let’s start at the beginning. I think the first misconception about money that I have started trying to shake is that one needs to be in a place where they feel comfortable financially, before they can start making better financial decisions. It is just not true. It is quite the opposite actually. The best time to start is right now. Start right now. I recently started reading financial blogs and some specifically tailored to millennials and I have learned so much. The first step to breaking a cycle is to recognize that there is a cycle to begin with. After all, we repeat what we don’t repair. People think travelling to the past and doing something small will drastically change the present, but no one in the present thinks they can drastically change the future by doing something small now. **drops mic… and then picks it back up, because we are not done and I stole that from Instagram.*

You know what else works great? Making someone else responsible for your savings, someone else like your bank, trust me they won’t forget. Having your desired monthly savings leave your account every month and getting charged if you spend it, takes some getting used to but trust me, you’ll survive. As Martha Stewart says, “the more you adapt, the more interesting you become” and truer words were never said. The months where I haven’t had as much money as I expected to have are usually the months where I manage to be so efficient that I end up having some to spare at the end of the month. 

       Slowly cutting down and creating a budget can be so incredibly powerful. As American author, John C. Maxwell says “a budget is telling your money where to go, instead of wondering where it went.” I can’t tell you how many times I have wondered where all my money went and at this point, I am done, something needs to give. I mean, nobody has to eat out two times every week. I am a typical abuser of the overdraft feature on my account. The overdraft feature is for EMERGENCIES and just so I’m absolutely clear, a 20% off flash sale at Topshop isn’t an emergency. Another thing, I find that when I go shopping alone, I daydream less and it is the strangest thing, but the clothes don’t talk to me. 

Choosing to have more positive financial habits and be more of an adult lasts longer when you do it for you and nobody else. Money and personal finance is about as personal as it gets, and the journey to financial independence can be incredibly lonely. Unfortunately, everyone has to deal with their own excesses and carry their own baggage and decide when it is time to let go. Everyone wants to have a nice body and yes I am fully aware that “nice” is relative but everyone has their own definition of nice. Whatever that is, unless you work out or eat less or eat more or eat more healthy, nothing is going to change. In the same way, most people wouldn’t mind earning a six-figure salary but unless you put in the work, everything will be the same. So, I guess it is up to you to decide what is most important to you, a pair of shoes that your friends will appreciate for all of two seconds or your dream house in a couple of years. As the original #GIRLBOSS Sophia Amoruso says “money will always look better in the bank than on your feet” and as Suze Orman says “stop buying things you don’t need, to impress people you don’t even like.” Because whether you know it or not, if you have to keep buying things you cannot afford to keep someone interested in spending time with you and investing in a relationship with you, well then, guess what? They aren’t your friend honey.  

“Little things” add up. As author and one of the founding fathers of the United States, Benjamin Franklin says “beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.” I spend the largest percentage of my income on food and clothes, so over the past month or so, I have made a conscious decision to be more mindful of how often and how much I spend on those two things. I have decided to eat more home cooked meals and to, like I say, do less shopping online and go shopping by myself. In terms of shopping (and this may sound counterintuitive or like a conflict, but it isn’t) I have also decided to invest in a couple of staple items for my wardrobe. I figure it is better to invest now than to keep having to buy a new outfit every time I have an interview or a birthday dinner or any sort out event where I need to dress up a little. I say “invest” because I’m leaving the cheapskate tendencies behind for a moment, and looking for pieces that can last at least a little while.

Give. I have literally never heard anyone say something negative about giving or regret their decision to give, so I have decided to start in my own little way. Firstly, as you may or may not know, I am a Christian, and the Christian faith encourages giving, mainly through tithes and offering. In the past couple of months, I have given the same amount every Sunday and this is a very big deal for me. In the past, I just gave what I had in my bag at the time, which would have been totally fine if it didn’t carry an air of nonchalance. I wasn’t giving certain amounts because I couldn’t afford to give more, I was giving those amounts because I hadn’t put any thought into it and it was just something I felt I had to do at the time. This is why I am very proud of the changes I have made. Plus, it is impossible to receive with a tight fist. Thus, in order to receive, one has to be willing to give. It is true that my giving habits are rooted in my faith but the theory of giving is not biblical, it is common sense. Most people are aware that they get what they put out there in one form or another. And whether or not you know, the more you hoard, the less space there is for new and positive things like the mental freedom and sense of satisfaction that comes along with giving.

Gratitude. Not like #blessed, like really taking the time to think about your life and think about all the many blessings you have to be grateful for. Because first, as Oprah says “be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more, but if you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” A grateful heart is really a magnet for miracles because it gets rid of all the negative thoughts and negative energy and makes space for positive manifestations. Don’t ever be so comfortable with your blessing that you start to take it for granted.

Oscar Wilde once said “when I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is.” And I could and totally condemn Oscar Wilde because he is a monster and how dare he suggest that money is vaguely important in life? Or there’s also the all too familiar, judgmental and hypocritical telling you something soppy and vaguely soothing like “everything will work itself out. But I mean, money is not THE most important thing, but it is pretty up there. And no, that doesn’t make me shallow or short-sighted, it makes me honest. I feel like we all could make so much progress if we just admit that money means a lot to us. Thus, I feel conversations like this are extremely important because although Gloria Steinem warns us that the truth is often a bitter pill to swallow, she also makes it a point to include the fact that it also sets you free, and any kind of freedom is always the greatest blessing and worth the risk, if you ask me.

How to make money moves part 1

     

       As you know spring has finally sprung, (I am honestly so paranoid at this point, like I worry that just writing about it is going to jinx it somehow, so please shhh… we don’t want to attract any attention), so the plan for the blog in April is to talk you through a bit of spring cleaning. Basically, I will release two articles a week (Monday and Thursday) that help you de-clutter one aspect of your life. Last Monday, I spoke about starting the de-cluttering process with you, your mind, your body and everything in between. Then I moved on to speak to nurturing mature, adult relationships and building your tribe organically. 

This week is all about making money moves. I am an original member of Cardi B’s fan club, ok? I’ve had a VIP seat on the bandwagon for a couple of years, so yeah I’m not one of you new, fair weather friends. I feel like making money moves can be broken down into two. Making money moves can be interpreted to mean making connections and taking steps to secure your place in a field, which we will be discussing in today’s article. Making money moves can also be interpreted to mean literally racking up a good amount of money in your bank account, which we will be discussing in Thursday’s article. So, it is important to learn how to leverage every career opportunity in order to drip in finesse basically. No matter how good you think your life is, every couple of months or so, it is good for you to take stock of where you are financially/career-wise and make the necessary adjustments. 

        I currently write for my personal lifestyle blog and Schick Magazine but I am also in the process of looking for permanent, full-time employment, so I am definitely not judging you. To get a clear picture of where you are right now and where you want to be and how to bridge the two, you need to make space. You need to clear out everything on your path that isn’t adding value and you need to make a few tough decisions and sacrifices to prove that you are serious and willing to attract the right people. 

       So, here’s what I have learned along the way and continue to learn because like I say, I am still on the journey. The first thing to do when spring cleaning your career is to update your resumé. It is such a simple task but it can make such a difference and is so often overlooked. If you have worked the same job for a couple of years, chances are that you haven’t been looking at other opportunities so you have the same resumé you applied to your job with. Well, it goes without saying that the resumé that worked great a couple of years ago is unlikely to be just as effective right now. If you are like me and still looking for a long-term opportunity, then there is a high chance you have several updated versions of your resumé, which is great. However, little details like grammar and tense are incredibly powerful. You also want to try your best to keep your resumé to about a page long and focus on the tasks you spearheaded and the results you achieved in each role and the information that is relevant to the specific role you are applying for. 

       Once you have updated your resumé, it is much easier to update your LinkedIn. It is important for your resumé and your LinkedIn to be in sync, if not you run the risk of confusing potential employers. The fact that you sometimes forget that you have a LinkedIn profile is no excuse because employers definitely remember, I’ll tell you that much. Speaking of social media, most times, I bet your social media accounts can use a little clean up too. I started getting social media accounts when I was about thirteen years old, and I am currently twenty-three, needless to say that a few things are different and I have put out some things that I would like to forget, unfortunately, the internet does not forget. So, it is important to take things into your own hands and delete/deactivate all social media accounts that you no longer care for.

If you have read my blog for a little while, then you know that I am probably the most awkward girl in the room. Thus, I find that working on my elevator pitch as often as possible, especially before any networking or work-related event, really does help. An elevator pitch is essentially a thirty-second breakdown of your skills and experience adapted to the person you are presenting it to. Sounds easy enough but you never know how much work your elevator pitch does or does not need until you practice. A great elevator pitch at a networking event can get you a contact that will literally change the course of your career permanently. I used to think that people who are gainfully employed didn’t need to make time for networking events and follow up after because they just didn’t need it, you know? Well, no. At networking events, there are significantly more people with jobs than without. Apparently, unless you are Richard Branson and you own your own private island or you have Beyoncé/Jay Z money… and even then, there are still opportunities at every level and people who have access to resources you could do with. Thus, learning and mastering the art of working a room is incredibly essential to success. You need to be able to identify potential collaborators and opportunities and articulate to the people what value you can add in as little time and with as little risk for them as possible.

Working a room and scouting collaborators is no longer limited to your 9 to 5, because no one wants to be a struggling artist anymore. At networking events, I find that more and more people are boldly discussing their passions and investing their time in interests and hobbies that do not directly serve their 9 to 5. People who possess true talent in an artistic field, now leverage those skills in the marketplace. Skills that were totally ignored and put on the back burner to be attended to at an unspecified time, are now taking centre stage because at the end of the day, you decide how the world views the value you can add. Sometimes passions only have hobby potential and no real financial viability but people are more willing and courageous enough to take the small chance that therein lies their true success and real happiness. After all no one is asking you to quit your day job and there is no real reason why you can’t do a few different things at once.

Do some reflection. As my girl, musician and inspirational woman Alicia Keys says “destroy the idea that you have to be constantly working or grinding to be successful, embrace the concept that rest, recovery and reflection are essential parts of the progress towards a successful and ultimately happy life.” I think this is particularly important because there is this notion that somehow following your dreams and gaining any sort of success has to be incredibly stressful and everyone seems to be so obsessed with the idea of looking busy. I am fully aware that chasing your dreams CAN be stressful but it doesn’t have to be. Being stretched thin or having no time to do relaxing things should not be a trophy or a thing to hold over other people or a thing to be ashamed of either, it should be something to work on. I want to reach a place in my career where I am proud of what I have accomplished but I never want to reach a place where my career is the only thing I am proud of.

I love women like Solange and Alicia Keys because they inspire authenticity and living your truth. These gorgeous, Black women have created their own lane and stuck to pursuing their own individual definitions of success, no matter how many time society and popular culture have tried to dictate to them what they should aspire to. I mean Solange does not have to look far at all, she is Beyoncé’s younger sister. However, she has managed to do her own thing! She has managed to be her own person and live her life the way she deems fit. There is really something to be said for making your own rules and no one knows that better than my girl, Cardi B. Before her, female rap’s reigning champ, Nicki Minaj had no real competition. And I mean, Cardi B is the first one to address her haters but even her haters know that she is winning and you absolutely cannot knock her hustle. So, I hope you get your current accolades in order and get more accolades. As you know, I am rooting for you and me both.

How to grow and nurture ADULT relationships

As you know spring has sprung, (she wrote… as she sat on her bed in Toronto, Canada, where the weather gods had apparently not gotten the spring memo, but you know? If you live anywhere else, like say London, don’t let us stop you from living your best SPRING life!), so the plan for the blog in April is to talk you through a bit of spring cleaning. Basically, I will release two articles a week (Monday and Thursday) that help you de-clutter one aspect of your life. Last week I spoke about starting the de-cluttering process with you, your mind, your body and everything in between. As my girl Solange says “when you take care of yourself, you are a better person for others, when you feel good about yourself, you treat others better,” and I literally could not agree more. One has to sort through the messy personal stuff and take stock, before they can make emotional or physical space for anyone else. One has to set their standards and live religiously by them for a bit of time before they can attract the type of people who will too.

This week, on the blog, I will be discussing how to grow and nurture mature, ADULT relationships and how to build your tribe organically. Humans are naturally tribal, the history of our  tendency as humans to gather in groups, dates as far back as history itself and we have been struggling to “fit in” ever since. Over the past year or two, I have had to learn the hard way that you just don’t need that many friends to lead a happy existence and of course, now I’ve gone and overdone it. I have become quite the picky Paula when it comes to friendship and I can report that I’m in a much happier head space. That is, until both my friends are busy and then I worry that as a 23 year-old, I should have more people who think I’m cool and want to hang out with me. So naturally, I thought I should share a few tips on how I built my tribe organically and what I have learned about myself and people in general on my journey… that is not over, but whatever, we understand each other.

I think pretty early on in my self-awareness journey, I learned the difference between flaws that are harmful and toxic and unacceptable and ones that just happen because we are all human after all. As my girl Gabrielle Union says “when we learn to be painfully, imperfectly ourselves, we also learn to have a lot more patience and compassion for the imperfections of others.” I cannot stress enough that it starts with you through, it starts with you making the commitment to be the best version of yourself and putting in the work. It starts with embracing and owning your own flaws. But again, in practising the art of compassion, we must remember that we are the most important ones and it is a waste to spend one’s life trying to change that of another. As you get more comfortable in your own skin, you are able to identify toxic character traits quicker and decide whether or not it is worth it to stick it out. Note that there are always people who will think your standards are too high and you’re too rigid but hear me when I say, these people are absolutely NOT for you. The people for you are more than willing to go through the 78945 loopholes they need to go through to support you. Wanting to be treated with respect and empathy is not expecting people to be perfect, not by a long shot.

Good, functional, reciprocal relationships are extremely powerful and have the ability to serve every other aspect of one’s adult life. Good, functional, nourishing relationships are to many, an indication of success. Hollywood it-girl Gwyneth Paltrow defines success as having and maintaining “relationships that function well,” because “without relationships of quality, one is hardly successful.” Health isn’t just about what you are eating, it’s about what you are thinking and saying too, which nothing has more of an impact on what you think and say than the people you constantly interact and engage with. A relationship, any relationship, every relationship is a two-way street, so it is imperative that one be as involved and as hands-on as possible. As the late Maya Angelou said “nothing will work unless you do.” Organically building a tribe involves making the effort with a person or people and showing up as many times as you need, to know without doubt, whether or not engaging with them continuously adds value to your existence. “And like I say, every relationship is a two-way street, so if someone wants to be with you or be a part of your life, they’ll make it happen too. Actions speak louder than words and at some point you will get tired of justifying their actions. You deserve the kind of love and the kind of relationship where you receive as much as you give. If someone in your life is not willing to work towards that kind of love and that kind of relationship, then it is ok to leave them. Remember that you are worth more than second thoughts and “maybes”.” (as seen on @worldstar Instagram page).

       Cherish the people in your life who tell the truth and tell you the truth. People who are honest about where they are and honest with you about what they think about your own situation, are to be valued. I love a ‘yes’ man as much as the next girl, but they really aren’t good for much of anything. You know what is really funny to me is the fact that boys, especially somewhat popular boys, always have yes men but it is never the case with girls. Thus, I value my relationships with my girls who don’t buy into society’s need and desire to pit girls against one another. The type of arguments or tension I have literally zero-tolerance for are the ones that have to do with boys. I can’t even be bothered. I will not, in this life or the next, fight or compete with another girl for a boy’s attention because that to me is just despicable and reflective of a lack of self-worth and self-respect. 

I have also been in toxic friendships where all they did was criticize me, but get this, they were so good at doing it and justifying their criticism. Because you know? they want me to win and the journey to true success requires thick skin and resilience. Just so you don’t get sucked into this, here’s a quick and easy way to differentiate between constructive and destructive criticism; Constructive criticism points out a problem and subsequently offers a solution, destructive criticism is materialistic, surface-deep, compares and contrasts, and often uses one person’s (usually them) journey and success to measure another’s. Because as Angelina Jolie says “it is too easy for people to say that you are going the wrong way when it is simply a way of your own,” but as Viviana Serna says  and I know it sounds a little soppy, “we are all created so beautifully unique, to compare is completely useless.”

Get comfortable with saying no and setting boundaries… because not everyone who is friendly to you, needs to be your friend and the fact that they are a member of your family does not give them the right to compromise your mental health. I’ll admit that it is much easier to say no when you know for sure that someone or something or a certain situation is wrong for you but unfortunately that hardly ever happens. Most days, all you have is your gut and your instincts. So keep your antenna up and do the work. As Chelsea Manning says “read everything, ask your own questions, be your own filter.” Do as much ground work as is needed to make you comfortable with your decision to nurture a relationship or let go. Read everything, pay attention, because 99% person of what a person is saying to you is not coming out of their mouth. But don’t get obsessed. Make sure your doubts are rooted in pursuing your instincts to protect yourself, and not just fanning the flame of your incredibly self-involved need to have as much control as possible over everything in your life, as possible. It shouldn’t be so difficult because “as you get older, you can energetically feel the difference between people who love you and those who care at their own convenience.” When you love who you are, you know what you bring to the table, thus when it is unappreciated or taken for granted, you know to walk away. But as Solange says, “self-love is really a foundation for everything and however you practice or express that is so important.” In relationships it is uncomfortably easy to get lost and forget who you are as an individual, that’s why self-love is so essential. According to an article published by Cosmopolitan South Africa, self-love helps one speak up when they feel something’s off. And many times, when there is this kind of confrontation in a relationship, one person (usually the girl) is labelled difficult and rude and selfish but it is really not selfishness as much as it is plain, old, healthy honesty… try it, I dare you.

Brutal Honesty => Self-Awareness => Mindfulness

       As you know spring has sprung, (she wrote… not knowing what would happen this weekend in Canada, but you know? If you live anywhere else, like say London, don’t let us stop you from living your best SPRING life!), so the plan for the blog is to talk you through a bit of spring cleaning. Basically, I will release two articles a week (Monday and Thursday) that help you de-clutter one aspect of your life. As this is the first article in this series, I am starting with you… and me, you and me both. I feel that in too many circles, mental health and wellness is brushed under the carpet and secretly prayed away. And trust me, I believe in prayer, I believe prayer is extremely powerful and has the ability to do incredible things. However, I also believe that there are things you can do to control the energies around you and steer your mind in the right direction. I believe that there are always things beyond our control, and some days where you are just going to feel shit, but there are ways to reduce anxiety and stress and foster overall better health, and I think this is worth a conversation.

Daniel Chidiac once said “Being self-aware is not the absence of mistakes, but the ability to learn and correct them.” Self-awareness is a conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires. Social media, Instagram especially, has made it way too easy to compare and measure your life based on someone else’s and convince yourself that you are the only on who struggles, and I mean… it is just not true. I could talk about “oh you should have more mind power and self-restraint,” but it is addictive, it is like picking a spot on your face. Literally everyone says “leave it alone, focus on something else” but no. Every chance you get, you go back to the same spot, no matter how sore it becomes, or how much it bleeds. You pick it. You pick it until it becomes this life-sucking entity, thriving and blossoming on your face, and then you slap an absurd amount of makeup on to cover it up because you know? you haven’t given it enough attention already. 

I am guilty of this and trust me when I say I excel at fabricating stories in my head that are 100% false, but I convince myself are true, and you know? somehow everyone except me, is just badass and kicking ass at life 100% of the time. It is just such trash, but it has the ability to ruin my mood for a good couple of days at least, because nothing I’m doing at that point feels as special or inspiring or impactful as what I see my friends doing and achieving on Instagram. Ok, but to the good part of the story. I am not better at leaving my spots alone but I am better at catching myself when I am going down the Instagram-comparison downward spiral and this is what self-awareness is. It is not becoming more perfect, not by a long shot, it is about knowing yourself better. It is about abandoning this notion of perfection that we are sold so frequently. It is paying attention to yourself and learning your patterns and knowing your triggers and understanding what brings you back to reality the quickest. For me, it is talking to the people around me, you know? REAL people, with scars and spots and  stretch marks and flabs and jiggles not the six-filter, $10,000 surgery versions of them on social media.

Billie Jean King, American former World number 1 professional tennis player once said “I think self-awareness is probably the most important thing towards being a champion.” This struck me because I would expect someone like her to talk about mastering your opponent or training as hard and as often as you can, which I don’t doubt that these things are important, but she thinks self-awareness is the most important thing. Being a champion inherently means that you have failed, multiple times. Being a champion just means you have gotten up and learned from all the mistakes you have made. Winning is not the absence of losing or failure, it is the mastery of failure. Winning is failing better. Winning is failing as many times as you need to, to know a situation better, and better than that, know yourself a little better in that situation. The only way you can actually fail is to accept defeat in your mind because at that point there is no reason to put in any effort. The universe is going to conspire to give us what we put out, good or bad. You see? The mind is extremely powerful. Getting to where you want to be in any thing in life starts with your mind whether you know it or not. Once you conquer something in your mind, that’s at least half the work done.

De-cluttering your mind is such a powerful tool. While some people naturally have their shit all the way together 100% of the time and that’s lovely, I am not of those people, so yeah… I need the help, and it is totally fine if you do too. So like I say, self-awareness starts with being brutally honest with yourSELF. Be honest, be absolutely honest about where you are, and how your negative thoughts about yourself have maybe contributed to, and held you back from getting to where you want to be. Once you feel clear about the blocks, you can begin to clean them up to make space for positive manifestations to occur. Example. I have a really hard time believing I am an intelligent human being with lots to offer. I went to the University of Toronto and graduated with Honors, I have this blog that I have done almost consistently for four years, I write for Schick magazine (just to show that how you feel about yourself does not always have anything to do with your actual reality). I should be content and grateful because at the end of the day, I am quite lucky and so fortunate. I should. I should but many times I struggle to feel that way and find that place of gratitude. Gratitude is not natural. It has to be a conscious decision. But I have found that gratitude lasts longer when you work your way up to it. It doesn’t last that long when you abandon everything you are ACTUALLY feeling because you feel guilty and you feel you should be grateful. Instead of trying to feel how you think you should, admit your feelings in that moment, then take stock and adjust appropriately. Do this as many times as you need to in order to get to a place where it becomes easy and gratitude becomes the go to. 

So, it’s the beginning of spring and I think it is the perfect time to do a little spring cleaning and inventory. I guarantee you, that no matter who you are, there are a thousand things you have to be thankful for and there are thousand times your body and your mind have proved to you what you are capable of. It is just now left to you to remember those things when you feel overwhelmed or defeated. It is amazing to have the courage to be totally honest with yourself about where you are but it is more important to  take action and root for yourself when you figure who that is. Spring is the perfect time to clean out and ward off all the negative energy but it is also the perfect time to plant and put things in place in your life to bloom and manifest positive attributes. 

The Sisterhood of The Travelling Pants 1

     Guys… I am a little sad. It is literally almost the end of March and I’ve been enjoying blogging  so much, just organically sharing the lessons I have learned and continued to learn from my tribe of queens has been an extremely cathartic process. If you have just started reading the blog and have no idea what I am on about, March is Women’s History, so on the blog this month, I have been talking through different positive attributes and character traits every week, and highlighting women in my life that exemplify these qualities.

     “The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants” is a series of four novels written by Ann Brashares, and a two-part movie adaptation with the same title, that tells the whirlwind story of four teenage girls who share a pair of blue jeans, and much like their friendship, they all bring something different, but it fits all four of them perfectly. This pair of blue jeans quickly becomes more than an item of clothing, as this coming-of-age story unfolds, it becomes the fabric of their entire friendship and the very thing that holds them together as they drift away and explore their own individual journeys. So, naturally it is the perfect reference point for this story because it truly reflects my own relationship with my sisters. Except the perfect pair of blue jeans are our entire wardrobes, all three of us. In part one, we are throwing shade and catching feelings and not catching feelings and throwing more shade. I feel like more than anything, my sisters have taught me how to authentically and organically become “other”, unconsciously by fiercely being exactly who they are and consciously by letting me throw shade at the regular population’s failed attempts. And I mean sometimes it all comes off a little harsh or dry especially when the shade is directed at me, but we get each other, we get each other on a level that allows us to remember that none of us are mean spirited. No matter how hard we have to dig, whether it takes 3 minutes or 3 days, we do it because we know there’s kindness in there somewhere.We all have the same extremely sarcastic tone and the same bone dry sense of humour so we get along great, we never really run out of things to talk about, we can talk for hours and hours and I love it (well except when we’ve been talking for 3 hours straight and it’s 2:28am).

     Reyna Biddy once said “you can only get better at what you practice often, practice being yourself; the one you are behind closed doors, let people love that person,” and my sisters let me be that person and they love her fiercely. We hear over and over again that practice makes perfect and it seems repetitive and a little redundant to remind you that you can only get good at being yourself if you practice but I promise this is important. It is important because being yourself is often uncomfortable and inconvenient, and being authentic often makes you look “weird”or “uncool” to begin with, but it gets better… I think, I hope. The “best” of us struggle with the same crippling fear of being rejected or judged or misunderstood or not liked or unpopular. It is not hard to see how pretending to be someone you are not can be a much easier, much better deal. For one, being someone you are not and getting rejected, is much easier to deal with than being yourself and getting rejected, because there are at least 6 billion fake versions of you but only one real one.

Practising being yourself is important also because social media makes it so easy to lose sight of who you are. Social media makes it so that you are constantly being scrutinized. Social media has become like an interview, and in many cases it is (something like 80% of employers search for their candidates on social media before the first in-person interview), to where it is stoic and noble to admit your weaknesses but there is also an unspoken obligation to tie it all up in a pretty pink bow. We constantly demand the truth but the truth is, the truth we demand is not the truth that is the truth, it is the truth that we envision in our minds, the truth that we unconsciously want the truth to be. And to prove it, here’s nine “other” fails…

1. We say we want a woman  to show her scars and stretch marks and flabs and folds but when she does, we think “good for her” not “oh my goodness, she’s gorgeous.” This ridiculous need to seem “perfect” comes from the illusion that we are the only ones with flaws and stretch marks and baggage and darkness. But as Ernest Hemingway so astutely points out, the truth is “we are all broken, that’s how the light gets in.”
2. I feel like I woke up one morning and it was suddenly uncool to like Beyoncé and Chris Brown and Usher and all the regular-Joe, mainstream artists. Now everyone is all about Solange and Kehlani and SZA and Khalid, and I mean I love SZA and my little sister is OBSESSED with Khalid, so by association, I am too. This is not the problem. The problem is that there are people who think they are like music connoisseurs or something, and their music taste somehow makes them “better” than the rest of us. Answer me this, wouldn’t you rather enjoy your “crazy in love” in peace than join “chopping mouth association” on top being cool? The truth is I love Bruno Mars and Drake and Beyonce, and I’m fine with that, but I also feel pressure to be artsy-fartsy-vibey-cool.
3. Being on social media does not qualify anyone for a PhD in maturity, ok? Like, please what is that about? Social media is not for everyone and that is perfectly ok. In fact, Portalndia is not on Instagram and mi rei is, and there’s about two pictures of her in total on there, but that’s just because like I say, they are both super private. No one likes that one annoying person in the group who wants to put everything on Snapchat, but it is not fair to treat everyone who is on Snapchat like they are compulsive.
4. I feel like everyone knows someone who is on some phony-ass, “flower child”, “septum piercing”,“hippie-dippy” shit. Is it by force to be alternative? 
5. My favourite “other” has to be the “naturalista,” the “my hair is natural , so if you are Black and your hair isn’t, then you are either self-hating or a sell-out.” My hair is natural and believe it or not, it was not my choice, just bad timing I guess. I have no tolerance for ANYONE who hair shames. 
6. Ooo and the boys who claim to “like girls natural, natural hair, natural nails, no makeup.” Ooo but “I like my men tall, dark, handsome and rich!” I guess we are both going to have to settle, aren’t we?
7. Another favourite “other” of mine is the “couch potato/old lady” other. The “I don’t go clubbing, I would just rather stay home, read a good book and have a glass of red wine” other. Like, ok sweetie, good for you, you should do that then. The hole-and-corner, tongue-in-cheek insinuation that staying in on Friday night somehow makes one more mature is beyond me.
8. Sex. The “Ooo she said bad word!, Oh what must we do?, i’m pretty sure they are directly related to Jesus” other, the ones who act like sex is such a taboo and you are just a horrible person for wanting to talk about it. So irritating. Then of course, there’s the obnoxiously suggestive “other” that tries so desperately, to give off this bogus comfortability, borderline nonchalance with sex. Again, irritating. Just act normal, the fact that you feel comfortable enough to talk about sex does not make you a ho, it makes you an adult. And anyone who acts like they are not at least curious about sex, virgin or not, is a… wait for it…. LIAR! SURELY we can reach a happy medium.
9. Weed. Oooo she’s on one today. My friend had a birthday thing a couple of years ago and it was interesting, to say the least. Basically, after we got done with dinner, we all headed outside the restaurant to get cabs. While we waited, my friend pulled out a blunt, lit it, took a puff and passed it to the next person and then the next person took a puff and passed it to me. Only thing is I don’t smoke weed, absolutely no problem with the ADULTS who do, but I, Ninioritse, do not. Before I could politely refuse the now slightly unsanitary offer, “oh no she doesn’t do that!” And I instantly felt the judgment and thought to myself, I have been totally respectful of your choice, why am I being called out and made to feel weird about mine?

My sister Portlandia made cool look cool before it became cool. I feel like living with her, while unbearable sometimes has really influenced the girl I am today. She has taught me to be relentless in rooting for myself, my success and my happiness. She has taught me to think for myself. She has taught me to think of what I think of my own actions and decisions before I think of what other people may or may not think about my actions and decisions. I say this, but I also unconsciously make the decisions I feel she will be the most proud of me for. My sister ‘mi rei’ is just my best girl. She is the smartest, most focused, most loving, most forgiving, most encouraging person in my life. She holds me in such high regard that it scares me. No, you know what scares me? It is the fact that she forces me to look at myself the way she looks at me. She forces me to see myself in the best possible light and fights tooth and nail to hold me up there, because trust me, I continue to give her enough reasons to drop me. More than anything, my sisters are two of the largest pieces of my heart and I hope I make them proud every day.

This is the story of "Grace": Never Throw Anyone Out

         As you know, March is Women’s History… wait, no… I really can’t explain this again. If you are totally confused, please check my last two posts. I mean… I know you probably didn’t, you probably just continued reading, so I’ll explain… AGAIN. As you know, March is Women’s History Month, so the plan for the blog is to talk through different positive attributes and character traits every week, and highlight  a woman in my life that exemplify these qualities. This week, it’s my Mamaca, my grandmother. She is the most compassionate person you will ever meet, the most elegant lady and she does it all with such style and grace. She has 7 biological children and 16 grandchildren, so that accounts for 23 out of the 614642537 people she takes care of.  For most of her life, she has taken care of all these people while also juggling a full-time job as a nurse and her activities in the Catholic Church, which is pretty much like having two full time jobs. Wait, I feel like, that just made her sound dead or really, really old. “For most of her life…” She’s not. She’s 73 and She’s just retired.

When I started creating a plan for this article, I found myself struggling to decide whether to describe her character and they way she treats people as “empathetic” or “compassionate.” I was initially weary of the word “compassionate” because it is often affiliated with pity, which my Mamaca doesn’t help people out of pity. However, “compassion” also means “empathy” accompanied by action, which is the most accurate depiction of her character, so that was it. Mamaca helps people because she feels their pain and desperation, she has lived so much life that she can pretty much relate to everyone. Compassion is empathy accompanied by action. So, in this way, Mamaca is compassionate because she shows empathy and takes the time to listen, but more importantly, she accompanies her feelings with action. It is the same spirit that my Queen Julie embodies so well. So much so that I’m just now, as an adult, figuring out that most of my “uncles” are actually my uncle’s friends who needed a place to stay after university. 

        Over the past couple of months, I have been in Nigeria, so I have gotten the chance to visit her more often and it has been such a blessing. Almost every time I visit, she has found a new way to help someone and she is never the one who tells me about it. I found out quite recently that the people who currently rent her property have not been able to make rent in almost a year but she doesn’t fight them because she knows that they struggle. She is 73 years old but every time I visit she makes me dinner fit for a queen, no matter how hard I try to convince her not to. I think I am just now learning that although my Mamaca is not an emotional or a sentimental woman, she still shows more love than the average Joe. She is quite sarcastic but she possesses a kindness that seems to know no bounds. This is an important lesson. This is an important lesson because I often confuse love with affection, which affection is nice and affection can be an indication of love but it is not the same thing as love. Mamaca is not affectionate but this is no way diminishes the love she shows on a daily basis. I think society’s definition of love is becoming so warped and twisted and shallow and one-dimensional that a man who abuses his wife or girlfriend can so easily mask his animalistic tendencies by a few kisses and tender touches at dinner.

Mamaca continues to prove herself worthy of my utmost respect, and so effortlessly too; she has become quite the professional at putting me in my place and showing me up, sometimes, without saying a word. Like, that one time when I showed her the pictures I took in Versailles last summer, oh so proudly that I could barely get my words out, partly because I was too excited but also because I thought she won’t really understand. But I ended up stumbling on a picture of her standing in front of the Versailles castle in 1982? Or you know, that one time when I thought I was mad cute in my tiny, little dress and Mamaca told me about it, but it went over my head because I thought to my self “she is too old-fashioned?” But again, I ended up taking it back to the tailor and having a few more inches added to it. As it turns out all that fuss, all that back and forth is unnecessary because true elegance is not shouty, it has nothing to prove, it is timeless. 

Elegance is a dignified or restrained beauty of form, appearance or style; an art my Mamaca has mastered. According to the Oxford Living Dictionary, it is the quality of being graceful and stylish in appearance or manner. Manner being a person’s outward bearing or way of behaving towards others. In other words, elegance begins internally, elegance begins with a personal decision to manifest your light a certain way, to maintain a certain a level of decorum, a decision that will not be compromised by the energy or vibe or appearance or verbal decisions or actions of anyone else. Elegance is having all the power, the whole time and not letting go to prove a point or win a petty argument. Elegance is putting your personal peace before other people’s opinions of you. It is the same reason Mamaca didn’t get worked up or annoyed when my mum had to point out to me that she (Mamaca) put herself through nursing school. I didn’t think she was uncultured or uncouth or anything, I didn’t downplay her wisdom in my mind, but I guess I just assumed that she didn’t have any formal education, which is not cool.

Many times, the words “elegant” and “classy” are used interchangeably but in my opinion, there are some fundamental differences between the two, which when explored have the potential to offer clarity and highlight authenticity and depth. To begin with, elegance is all about self-respect and self-restraint, and the pursuit of classiness is superficial and deeply rooted in showmanship. True elegance nudges you to reflect on who you are as an individual and how you treat people, and trying to be classy inevitably takes you down the spiral of comparing what you have and your level of sophistication to those around you. “Classy” is often a self-acclaimed title, on Instagram, the caption “keeping it classy” has spread like wildfire because people feel the need to prove that they are the “bigger” person in whatever context or capacity.“Elegant” is more often used by a person when describing someone else, in their absence no less. “Classy” is objective, elegance isn’t. Queen Julie and Mamaca would casually without realizing, refer to a party they enjoyed as “classy,” but never the people. An event, a one-time thing SHOULD be classy, and possess a certain air of sophistication, because it will only last a couple of hours and is meant to be impressive to the guests. As a human being, a real person, choosing to live your life with the primary goal of being impressive is like trying to throw a cool party every single day, it will always be far more exhausting than just being yourself. And fortunately or unfortunately, people will always remember how you treated them over what you gave them or how you looked. Working towards elegance is significantly easier to maintain and more authentic and more organic, because the easiest person to be is yourself, like with my Mamaca, what you see is what you get and it has been that way for as long as I can remember.

My Mamaca’s name is Grace, Grace Theresa Okpiabhele, which makes all the sense in the world, because you need a well of grace to be able to half pull it off. My Mamaca carries a thousand worries on her head and in her heart but never in her smile or in her walk. She is not perfect and she never claims to be, she just enjoys the grace, the unmerited favour of God and she is almost too aware of it. Like clockwork, she begins or ends almost every sentence with “By God’s grace,” which I mean she needs it, to continue to be everything to everybody at the same time. My Mamaca enjoys the special grace of God and she works hard to make sure we all know that. I love my Mamaca, always have, but now that I am bit older, I appreciate her. I may disagree with her when she criticizes my questionable fashion choices but I know that knowing her and having her in my life makes me a better person.