Love me now

      There is something about the rhetoric and dialogue around love that makes it sound like a destination or something to aspire to, but to me, love is a journey, a part of our journey as individuals. Even when we accept that love is a journey, we are told many times and in many situations that the journey should be hard and arduous and excruciating and that we should take comfort in the destination. However, I do not agree with this philosophy, I think that love is most valuable in the present.

      Love has been morphed into this shallow, materialistic phenomenon based strictly on the physical. We live in a time where there is an ideal version of beauty that totally bypasses an entire race and it is unacceptable to me. This unrealistic standard has forced women all over the world to postpone self love and self acceptance. It has forced women to replace beauty with perfection in their minds. Beauty has never and will never be synonymous with perfection, if anything, it is quite the opposite. True beauty is in strength and endurance and in the fight to be a better person than you were yesterday. True beauty is fighting to love the body and the skin that you are in despite all the different people telling you that you are too flabby, or too boney or too dark or too light or too black to be beautiful. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be better because after all, we all have flaws, but wanting to be better involves first recognizing the good that you do have within you. Loving yourself also literally means fixing the things that you are not happy with. Many times, we read or hear messages that encourage us not to change because we are perfect. Admittedly, the message is noble, it is usually portrayed in the context of accepting your body and accepting your flaws, and this is good. But I mean you cannot wave a magic wand and make the insecurity disappear. The opposite of trying to be perfect is not ignoring all your flaws, this is unrealistic and a recipe for disaster. I mean it is probably healthy for you to acknowledge now that you will never look like Beyoncé or Kim Kardashian. If you are uncomfortable in your skin, it is also alright for you to want to make a change. Wanting to be physically attractive  or wanting to somewhat conform to society’s ideal of beauty does not make you shallow or a sell-out, it makes you human. There is no convincing a woman that she is beautiful. I mean it is a lovely compliment, and probably appreciated but until she sees what she conceives as beauty staring her back in the mirror, she will never feel it. Telling a woman she is beautiful will make her smile and make her feel good for a moment but she will only feel beautiful when she does whatever it is that she thinks she needs to do to feel that way.

    A huge part of loving yourself is taking care of the body that you are in and taking care of your mind and doing whatever it is that you think you need to. Intuition is everything. Your body always knows what it needs and when it has had enough, so listen. Stress is a clear message from your body to your mind that you have taken on too much. I know that this may sound counterintuitive but the only way I can feel less stressed and overwhelmed is to actually do what it is that is making me feel stressed. I mean I probably will watch something on Netflix but it is a waste of time because I’ll relax for a minute but I will be thinking about whatever it is that is making me stressed the rest of the time. I think the trick is to pay attention when things begin to pile up and stop with the procrastination. 

    Procrastination is also a valid thing to talk about when it comes to relationships and loving other people. I think it is just as important to love those who you love now as it is to love them at all. This is not to be morbid and this is not because you do not know how long you have with them. This is because why not. You are literally only as good as the relationships you maintain. If you have read my blog for a little while or follow me on social media, you will know that my family is my everything and I only have a few really close friends but they have my heart. I just think that you should make the people you love a priority because God has given you that responsibility. I believe that God puts people in your life for a season or for the long haul because He has a reason and a purpose. You are meant to be a blessing to them while also being blessed by them in some capacity. Also, it is important to not take these relationships for granted because it is rare to decipher the purpose for any relationship in the beginning. I think there is something to be learned from the fact that we have the relationships that God chooses and the ones He allows us to choose to be a part of. Most times, the ones we pick are the ones that end up failing or adding no value.

    In terms of being in a relationship, I am 22 and single and I have never really had a serious boyfriend, so I am probably not the best person to ask for advice but you know, I always have to give my two cents. But let us start with me, so that you are absolutely sure that I am not judging you. I think that I am single because I am just now becoming comfortable in my own skin but I am also unwilling to compromise on what and who I think is date-worthy. So basically I have what I like to call "I am not perfect but you have to be" syndrome, which I am pretty sure is not as uncommon as you would think. 

     I think it is noble to want to find the perfect person for you but I also think that there is a slim chance that the first person you give time and attention to is the one. So have those conversations and make connections, flirt but have your own back more than anything else, protect your heart but don't put up a wall. Don’t give of yourself to a person who has shown you that they don't appreciate you or are unwilling to reciprocate the gesture. Do not lose yourself in a relationship, look for someone who appreciates who you are not someone who can’t wait to make you the perfect person for them.

    Relationships are serious and difficult and exhausting and most relationships worth fighting for require a lot of patience and perseverance. I mean until you are willing to kiss a few frogs, you will not know the difference between your version of a prince and a frog. It is good to know what you want but until you put yourself out there, it will be quite difficult to find who you want. Many times, a girl is very sure of what she looks for in a guy, in theory, but until she interacts with him, in practice, she cannot know for sure. I guess what I am trying to say here is don't go to dinner with a serial killer but still keep an open mind because from what I have seen, love can happen in the most unexpected places but it could also be staring you right in the face. If you don't feel ready because you are unwilling to commit and put in the work, then take all the time you need. But don't stop or be hesitant because you feel insecure or afraid or too vulnerable and exposed because that is what being in a relationship is. So take a chance and forgive yourself if it does not go the way you want it to. 

The Girl with the Green Scarf...

Dear September,

This is the one where I tell you that it is possible to change and evolve and grow and adapt and still be the person you are. I think this is important to talk about because it is the beginning of the year where people tend to set goals that they hope to accomplish in the year. It is important to talk about this now because people often get so carried away with trying to achieve perfection that they miss the magic they possess as individuals. People focus so extensively on correcting all their flaws, that they become oblivious to what makes them special and seem willing to give it up. And honestly, I can’t say that I blame anyone for feeling this way. You see, we live in a world that is weirdly obsessed with perfection but it is also a world that constantly tells us that we are special and we are capable of anything. This is noble and good and amazing but it also then unconsciously leads to us never being satisfied with who we are. We automatically want to be better and more perfect, whatever that means. We begin to believe that what makes us special isn’t our individuality, it isn’t who we are but what we have. We are a society so obsessed with materialism that being yourself and holding on to what makes you truly happy has become old-fashioned.

So, I guess this is a guide to authenticity and I hope this acts as a reminder that change is good and important but staying true to who you are is just as good and important and valuable. 

Ok, so here are few ideas on how to strike that balance.

Friends 

          "Oo you've changed"... if you have never been hit with one of these by a person who you consider a friend, then you are doing something wrong. There's always going to be people who want you to stay in the same position forever and they are toxic. They are toxic because make no mistake, they do this because it serves them and them alone. People who get uncomfortable or annoyed when you change and grow and evolve, are people who think that they are entitled to you, your time and resources. This is weird and absurd and frankly, insulting. So, no, you're not crazy. It is your duty in this new year to have an honest conversation with such people or cut them out of your life completely. Besides some friends are meant to teach you something, and are only meant to be in your life for a period of time; so don't force it or beg anyone to stay. It is your duty to surround yourself with people who want the best for you. Friends who listen and are there for you but friends who also challenge you and push you harder than you can push yourself. Friends who will help you change and evolve and grow but who are also in a position where they can be honest enough to tell you if you begin to lose sight of who you are. 

Mentors

I am sure you have heard me say before that your friend cannot be your mentor but your mentor can become your friend. This basically means that a mentor should start out as a mentor. You should actively select a person you think can be valuable to you and your journey and begin to establish a relationship with them. This relationship can blossom into a friendship but it should not start this way, as opposed to a friendship which should not be forced but allowed to blossom organically. 

            A mentor needs to be able to tell it like it is because they have nothing to lose. A mentor should be a person who shouldn't feel like they need to sugarcoat the truth. They should be someone you respect enough to value their opinion and they should be someone worthy of that kind of respect. They should have a wealth of knowledge and expertise in an area you are interested in. I think it is important to point out that a mentor should not be a person whose life you use as a roadmap for your own journey. May seem obvious, but just in case, I’ll just say that your journey may seem very similar to another person's, but it is not. The mere fact that you are not the same person as the next is enough of a difference. A mentor's life and journey should not be the copy to your paste. A mentor is good for tips and tricks and ways to avoid common mistakes that people make. But know that mistakes are good and a lot of the time, the mistakes that are unique to you are the ones that end up defining our journey. 

Reflection

The only way to see if you have become a person you don't recognize is to look into a mirror. I would say start writing a diary but that can be quite time consuming. So, a better idea would be to summarize your day every day with a sentence of two. This way, you can actively think about your day and what you like and what you don't, what you achieved and didn't achieve. Also, it will be fun, not just at the end of the year but at the end of each week, to see how much you have grown. It is also a good way to hold yourself accountable and ensure you don't get lost in all the dreaming. 

Friends and mentors can also be quite important and influential in the reflection process. The right friends call you out on your bullshit but in the best possible way. Because you know that even though it may sting in that moment, they come from a place that is honest and genuine and wants the very best for you. 

To ensure that reflection becomes a daily habit, attach it to something you do without fail every day. It could be exercise or coloring, it's up to you. Reflection helps you to pinpoint certain mistakes you have made but also realize that you are not all bad. There are obviously things that you should change but overall, the parts of you that are good and worth keeping are more than the parts of you that made those mistakes. Reflecting allows you to see all of you. Reflecting allows you to forgive yourself and see the good in yourself when certain situations aggressively make it blurry. Reflection makes you happy because you see that you are not where you want to be but you are also not where you used to be. 

Failure 

Failure gives you character. Failure defines your character. Failure decides both who you are and who you have chosen to be. It is not the failure that is significant but more so, how you react to it. Failure can be good. Failure is often the thing that lets you know that there is something about you that you need to change. It could be anything from pride or a negative attitude to an ineffective study method. 

Failure inspires either fight or flight, you need wisdom to decipher which one is the better decision. When you start something and you fail, you can decide to stay and fight and try it again. Or you can decide to quit and try something else. It is important to point out here that choosing to leave is not cowardly. Sometimes, courage is knowing what is best for you, trusting your intuition and making those difficult decisions.

One of my biggest inspirations and favourite girls, Sophia Bush once said “You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously.” This is comforting to hear, especially in the context of a world that is constantly telling us that we need to pick a side. Being authentic is embracing your journey, being grateful for where you are and what you have achieved while still recognizing that there is more work to be done. So, sell all your clothes and get rid of all your excesses and flaws but keep the green scarf because it is more than a green scarf, it is very essence of who you are.

                                                                                                                             Happy New Year,

                                                                                                                                                        Nini

All is Calm. All is Bright

Dear September,

            In the spirit of Christmas, this is the one where I tell you to make merry because this is the one time in the year where all is calm and all is bright. This time of the year is like an extended version of the part of the day, early in the morning, where the sun has risen but you haven’t quite started the day. The environment is calm and the possibilities are endless and I feel as though this time should be recognized and appreciated and taken full advantage of.

            It is about a week to the end of the year, so if you are a student, you are done with finals and if you work, you are just about to leave for the break, if you haven’t already. It is the perfect time to wind down and consciously reflect on the past year. Remember all the mistakes you have made and all the things you could have done better. This is not a time for regret or self-deprecation, it is also not a time to wallow in self-pity or make excuses. It is a time to recognize your faults, forgive yourself for them and move on.

            There is a reason why it is the most wonderful time of the year. There is a magic in the air this time of year that you can’t quite place. I cannot think of a better time to dream without inhibition and be truthful about what you want for yourself in the coming year. It is a time where it is socially acceptable to float on a cloud. If you cannot dream and see the future you really want, at a time like this, then it will be even more difficult to dream when life begins to get in the way. This is not a time to be rational, and set goals based on what you have or what you think you can actually achieve.

            If you are like me, just before you start your day, you feel hopeful, you write a to-do list the length of your left arm and are honestly convinced in that moment that you will check everything off by the end of the day. More times than not, you do not check everything off the list but that’s alright. You see, the magic is not in checking things off, it is in the way you feel while you are writing the list. You feel hopeful and optimistic and void of self-doubt. For a moment, you forget your flaws and the flaws of the world that we live in and you are wide-eyed and excited for the future. Writing goals and dreams and to-do lists is essentially writing the future that you envision for yourself and if that doesn’t make you unbelievably happy, tear off the page and start again. In the words of President Barack Obama “If we do not have hope, then what do we have.” You see this is not about being perfect and void of blemish, because perfection is an illusion, it is about believing, even if it is just for a moment, that you are beautiful and capable of perfection and full of magic.

So, September, I think that this is a story of hope and a reminder that knowing that you may not accomplish every single thing you want to, is not reason enough to stop dreaming. 

            Courage is making the decision to embark on a journey and endure a course of action, while being completely aware of the potential difficulties and obstacles that you will encounter on the way. A good example of this would be quitting your day job to focus on your dreams and what you are truly passionate about. Now, do not misquote or misunderstand me, this is not to say that everyone who quits their day job to focus on their passion project full-time is wise and courageous. It only counts as courage when this is a risk and a well-thought out idea at the same time. In the sense that, investing time and effort into a passion project can make a person happy but not all passion projects are worth giving up what you currently have for.

You cannot quit your day job if your passion project cannot replace it as a form of income or at the very least have the potential to in the short run. Potential is great and cool and amazing but it is not everything. With a passion project, the risk should be the duration of time it will take for it to start paying for itself and not if it will in the first place. Part of courage is wisdom and discernment. The hope in courage is that you choose to believe in yourself and your art, and you open yourself to starting all over again if things don’t pan out the way you want them to.

            No matter who you are, there are always resources available to you, you just have to be willing to open your eyes and look around. I’ll use myself as an example, you know, … because I never do that… So, as you know, I am currently in my fourth and final year at the University of Toronto and if I have learned anything, it is to ask for as much help as possible. Whether it is from the professor, when I am totally drowning in a topic or just going to the writing centre to have an extra set of eyes look over my paper. A little help can make all the difference in the world. Asking for help portrays an inherent desire to be a better version of yourself and a hope that you can become this person that you aspire to be. When you decide to put your pride and ego and maybe even push through some fear, you will be surprised at how many people can be as committed to your success as you are.

Perspective is everything September, it literally is. The calmness that comes with this time of the year is golden and very relevant to gaining and maintaining a good perspective. If you are like me and you always have a list of goals every January so long, that you feel defeated before you even begin, you do not need to change the list, you need to change your attitude. Rather than accepting defeat and becoming overwhelmed, take the challenge head on. Rather than focus on all the time and effort accomplishing your list will take, focus on tackling the flaws that could become obstacles, like a procrastination habit or bad company.

Hope is inherently about perspective. In the world we live in today, where Donald Trump is the leader of the free world, it becomes your responsibility to work to keep hope alive for yourself and for others as well. Choosing to be hopeful is not a lack of wisdom or a character flaw. Choosing to be hopeful is not ignoring the negatives of a situation, it is acknowledging them while also focusing on the positives and believing that you are capable of turning the negatives to positives and finding the silver lining. So, remember September, all is calm and all is bright, so find your own version of hope and hold on to it for dear life.

                                                                                                                                 Merry Christmas,

                                                                                                                                                             Nini