Sink or Swim?

Dear September, 

This is the one where I talk about faith and perseverance and resilience. As you know, March is Women’s History Month. So the plan for the blog is to discuss different positive attributes and character traits every week, and highlight the women in my life that exemplify these qualities (which if you read last week’s post, you also know this). This week’s post is all about faith, perseverance and resilience, because they often manifest the same way, and there is no one who exemplifies these qualities better than my aunty-mother, Aunty Ede. 

According to the Oxford Dictionary, ‘faith’ is a complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Trust and confidence. Trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something. Confidence is the state of feeling certain about the the truth of something. By definition, it is unlikely that you have faith in just one thing. Thus, choosing to be a Christian and choosing to have faith in God FIRST, does not disqualify anyone else. In other words, as a Christian, my commitment is to put God FIRST and have Him on speed dial, not to have Him be the only one on my contact list. Christianity is more a relationship than a religion, so naturally, everyone’s journey is unique and there is freedom to make it what you want it to be. 

Christianity, like any other positive relationship fosters and ignites other positive relationships. The Bible teaches that we were created to help each other and the Christian faith is built on the foundations of communion and fellowship, asking for help and being your sister’s keeper. My aunty Ede, as everything as she is, has a tribe of people who support her and the last thing you will do is shame her for it. No one became richer or better or more successful by insisting on doing everything on their own; that is exhausting and it is an unnecessary burden. I mean I love a good grass to grace, started from the bottom now we’re here, coming from nothing to something story as much as the next girl, but that’s all it is, a story. It is definitely not necessary. With the rise in popularity of YouTube as a career, and a thousand other DIY narratives that following your passion and glamourize success, admitting that you need help or you feel confused, makes you stupid or lazy or ungrateful. So many people buy into this narrative and get tricked into believing that they are one viral video or one Instagram post away from being great. The status quo often overlooks the potential of having too many options to be just as heavy a burden, and as overwhelming, as having too few options. 

There is also something about the rhetoric and dialogue around faith, and asserting your absolute trust in God, that makes one sound lazy and in search of an easy way out or worse, like one wants a perfect life with cotton candy and unicorns and rainbows, that obviously doesn’t exist. As a Christian, I think it is quite the opposite, in that, faith in God is NOT the easiest or most convenient thing in the world, not by a long shot. Being a Christian and using the Bible as a life manual in no way guarantees a perfect life, if anything it prepares you for criticism and having to fight for what you believe to be true and what you want to achieve. Faith doesn’t eliminate obstacles or difficulty, faith merely removes fear, which is not to be undermined because it makes all the difference. I mean going to church on a Sunday and being reminded of how God has got your back is an amazing feeling, and it is no wonder Maya Angelou refers to religion as “the opium of the people.” However, faith is easiest and most glamorous on a Sunday morning. Unfortunately, it isn’t about what happens on Sunday, it is what happens on Monday and Tuesday and every day after that, but of course, no one ever talks about that because it is not nearly as pretty and perfect and Instagram-worthy. 

Keeping the faith is a battle, in that way, I guess this is a story about putting up a good fight. Perseverance is persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. Perseverance is continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition. Perseverance is a relentless pursuit of a desired goal. Perseverance is consistency. Perseverance is absolute refusal to give up hope. Perseverance is putting up a good fight. My Aunty Ede works a “9 to 5” where she oversees an entire Human Resources team for a really big bank in Nigeria. Her “9 to 5” is more like a “6 to 9, or 10” on most days and this does not include all the weekends she’s had to come in, but she does it without complaining. And like in most corporations, her work, her diligence and her sacrifice is often overlooked and taken advantage of in fact, but it’s ok because she doesn’t do it for them. She does it for her children because they deserve the absolute version of her. She does it for her mother, who has taught her that giving up is never an option. She does it for herself because she needs to know she’s doing her absolute best. She also makes it to church almost every Sunday and attends a mid week service because she does not flake on her commitments, she knows that her faith is a priority. Her faith is her strength, it centres her and gives her peace.

Resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. Capacity is the maximum amount that something can contain, the maximum amount of water that a boat can hold before it begins to sink. So, essentially a vessel cannot know its strength and the maximum amount that it can contain, until some water is poured in. Sink or swim? Resilience is being able to float, or better still, being able to breath under water, resilience is perseverance. Capacity is also having the ability, fitness, or quality necessary to do or achieve a specified thing. Thus, resilience is very much a choice because the fact that a body possesses a quality does not guarantee its use. If you don’t swim, you will sink. Sink or swim? Drowning doesn’t automatically mean you can’t swim, sometimes it means that you didn’t, you chose not to. There is a fundamental difference between ‘can’t’ and ‘won’t.’ Resilience does not have the time for mind games, resilience requires you to go through life not trick it or avoid it. My aunty Ede knows resilience, in fact she breathes it. There is no other way to put it when you have to balance a “9 to 5” and 4 children and writing a novel, while going through the unimaginable, mind-numbing loss of 2012, the kind of pain that nothing can prepare you for. In university, every time I had one of those weeks where 6 assignments were due, and things to do for Black Ties, and I had to clean my apartment and cook food, I would think of her and it would seem like nothing, in comparison. This is not to say that, because some people have gone through more difficult things in their own life, your own struggles are irrelevant. It just offers some perspective, because maybe you are making something more of a thing than it needs to be. And I mean, if you think about it, YOU have probably been through worse and survived, so you’re good and strong and capable. Maybe you’re drowning and you just need to be reminded that you can swim, is all. 

To Kindness and Friendship

Dear September,

This is the one where we talk about kindness and friendship. As you know, March is Women’s History Month, so the plan for the blog is to talk about different positive attributes and character traits, and the women in my life that exemplify these qualities. I don't know a lot of well-behaved women (and I love it) so please bare with me.

This week, its kindness and friendship, because my mother is the kindest soul I know and the best friend a girl can have. I’m going to try my best to not cry because ain’t nobody got that new laptop money! So, here it goes... this is what my mama taught me.

A couple of months ago, my friend Sinmi wrote an article where she openly discussed lessons she learned from books and in conversations and in life in general and it was incredible, so insightful and so full of wisdom. One of my favourite quotes from her piece was “Be kind, Bury that instinct to be any other way, and just be kind.” I liked it first of all because it reminded me of her, she is my best friend’s older sister, so I don’t see her very often, but when I do she is very direct, a sharp shooter, quite sarcastic but also very warm and welcoming; qualities I find refreshing. Admittedly, fluent sarcasm is not for everybody but it is very much for me. It is the same energy and authenticity that my mother embodies so well. I also identify with these words because they offset the consensus that we millennials seem to have; to be incredibly self-involved and act like being kind is sooooo difficult, because you know? we’re too busy trying to be great and somehow being nice makes you weak. It doesn’t, I agree with Kahlil Gibran when he says, “tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolutions.” Not every kindness can be donating a kidney because you only have two. I mean, these heroic acts are inspiring and important and noble, and this in no way diminishes that, but most times, something as simple to do as a smile, is enough. One act of kindness has the potential to shape your whole day and change your entire life.

The Oxford Dictionary defines kindness as the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate. Being friendly means treating everyone like your friend until they act otherwise, this means you cannot be even slightly judgmental or pick and choose who to be pleasant to. It is no more kindness when you decide who deserves it, that’s called nepotism and any halfwit can do that. Generosity is the cheerful willingness to give beyond what is expected of you. Consideration, more than a Rihanna and SZA song, is a mindfulness of one’s surroundings and a resolve to act in the interest of as many as doesn’t interfere with one’s personal well-being. And now being fully aware of the definition of kindness, I can confidently share that over the past couple of months, I have lived in my parents house and I have gotten to see just how KIND my mother is, you know? the good kind. She does it is so effortlessly that you begin to expect it and almost never stop to think and take stock and compare. This then begs the question of kindness being more of a lifestyle than a mere character trait, which seems like a whole other ballgame but it really isn’t. 

In her book, “5 Gifts to Give Yourself,” author Lori Hill talks about the gift of kindness, she says “give yourself some kindness today until you’re filled and pass it on.” Lori Hill recognizes that no matter how hard you try, you cannot give what you do not have. My mother is 50 years old and she looks about 25 and a half, because she takes care of herself. She constantly does what makes her soul happy, never at the expense of others though, so there is no guilt. She takes a two-hour morning walk at least four times a week, she does a honey, turmeric, milk and baking soda face mask two or three times a week, she gets a facial, massage and body scrub at least once every six weeks, she never holds a grudge, she minds her own business, she prays one hour every night and goes for about six different prayer meetings outside of church on Sunday and you wonder why she glistens and damn near floats when she walks by. 

My mother has taught me to appreciate who I am and not try to be someone else, consciously by constantly reminding me of my own greatness and unconsciously by living her best life. When I ask her, she equates her grace and authenticity and her comfortability in her own skin, to age and the wisdom that comes along with it. But no shade (ok maybe a little shade), there are older people who don’t have this glow and who haven’t made it to this place mentally. Maybe it is what Jason Scotts said, maybe it is that “when you show people kindness and respect, despite petty differences, you are bringing positive vibes into your life and into the lives of others.” My mother never shies away from necessary confrontation, but at the same times, she manages to never be hostile. She has no problem calling you out and telling you off because that is who she is. The difference is she tries her best to focus on the situation, she vocalizes her emotions without ever making it personal, which is very hard to do. I mean, she’s human (believe or not) so she sometimes has crazy road rage and in the heat of the moment, she may act out of character, but it balances out because she is never afraid to admit when she’s wrong. Her intentions are never to belittle anyone and to her, maintaining peace and positive vibes for herself and anyone involved is more important than who wins the argument. 

In conversations with other people and in navigating your relationships, there is a tendency to isolate our own actions and idealize the other people’s intentions. When we hit an awkward pause and in the presence of a little tension, we feel extremely uncomfortable and we assume responsibility and make it our life’s mission to make everyone happy, so everyone can move on as swiftly as possible. I hate confrontation and often I justify my decision to not speak up in uncomfortable situations, by convincing myself that keeping the peace is more important than whatever it is that I am feeling. The rhetoric around kindness is often tangled with that of forgiveness and rooted in emotional maturity, with the promise of being the bigger person. In that way, kindness can become an opium of sorts, more so than most other positive attributes, the feeling of instant gratification has the insane ability to cloud one’s judgment. So be kind from and with your heart, but bring your head along, but I know this too well because my mama already showed me how. The only thing to do know is to remember this in the moment, not twenty minutes after, when we are facing off or two hours later, when the bliss of winning the argument has already turned to crippling guilt.

Empathy is exhausting

        Susan Sarandon once said “When you start to develop your powers of empathy and imagination, the whole world opens up to you.” She said this in an interview where she explained that she continues to make it a point for her children to give back. She continued by highlighting the joy that accompanies giving of yourself as opposed to the usual self-congratulatory “i’m such a good person” type of joy, you know that type of joy that so many white people are used to? You know you're white when your daily life and your daily experiences, don't require you to give off yourself. But the first thing I learned from the quote is that empathy is not natural for anybody and using your imagination isn’t automatic, they are both qualities and character traits you have to work towards and it all sounded a little too familiar. You see, about a month ago I decided that I was too emotional for my own good, so naturally, I came up with a solution. I decided that whenever someone said or did something to me that I found hurtful or offensive, instead of bottling up all my emotions and staying silent, I would put myself in their shoes. And in the beginning, it made me feel great, it made me feel like an adult, like a super mature version of myself, like the bigger person.

       However, as time went on, what felt like bliss and unicorns and rainbows began to make me feel more bitter and resentful than ever. It became exhausting and soon enough, I began to put everyone else’s emotions and feelings before my own. I stopped speaking my mind altogether, and that is not okay. It is especially not okay because empathy hardly ever equates to silence, and empathy is definitely not the opposite of speaking your mind. Sometimes the best thing for you is not the best thing for someone else and it would be a shame to put someone before yourself, especially someone who probably will not do the same for you. I mean your actions shouldn’t be motivated by the prospect of reciprocation but a wise man once said “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” It is no use continuously putting yourself on the line for someone or people who have shown you over and over again that you are not really a priority to them.

        I recently got into an argument with a guy on Instagram (which if you know me, you know that this is so out of character, but it was necessary), a guy who wasn’t willing to show any empathy, so he sure as hell did NOT deserve any. As this month is Black History Month, I feel it is necessary to use my platform to share my own personal experiences with racism and racial prejudice. Ok, the story.

        So remember that story that went around a couple of week ago? about WHITE Russian designer, Ulyana Sergeenko, who sent a note to WHITE Russian fashion vlogger, Miroslava Duma, that read “To my ni***s in Paris.” By the next day, the internet had obviously gone to shit and OF COURSE, Ulyana Sergeenko had released the usual backhanded apology, talking about “she is sorry to whoever she offended” and “she is not racist” and “she didn’t mean any harm” and “she doesn’t know why the blogger would share a personal note on social media” and “she loves Kanye West and wanted to pretend she is cool enough to speak like him.” The last statement was the one that really infuriated me because WHITE people have become even better at idealizing racism and making it seem like a compliment and an advantage. WHITE people have become experts at biting and blowing, so they hurt us and humiliate us but someone gives a good speech about how our struggles are their struggles and everyone is oppressed in some way, shape or form, so we are all in this together and we are expected to forget about it. So naturally, I tagged my little sister to the apology letter on Instagram and expressed utter disdain for white, ignorant people who do stupid shit and then come back to push the whole “pity me” narrative at the end.

       All of a sudden my phone started going crazy and so, I picked it up only to become even more infuriated because it was none other than another ridiculous, sheltered, unaware white person who questioned me and had to understand why I am not bothered by Kanye West using the word “ni**a” in his songs. Oh… and that’s not all, he suggested that if Back people were so offended by the word, then THEY should stop using it as well. You see, there is something to be said about context? With racism, with empathy, with everything, really. So naturally, I reminded him that Kanye West is a BLACK man and that is about one of the two and a half freedoms that BLACK people have. However, when used by a non-BLACK person, that word is not acceptable in any way shape or form, it is offensive and derogatory and extremely disrespectful. Honestly, I don’t see how or why it would come in conversation between two white people. Of course, he disagreed with me and proceeded to argue that following my logic, German people should be allowed to scream “hail Hilter!”in the street. Note how, we are back to the oppression olympics, because one BLACK person has expressed discomfort with the oppression and disrespect. Notice how he argues that based on the oppression of BLACK people, WHITE people should be allowed to do even more disgusting and inhumane things. Because God forbid, a BLACK person expresses themselves and exercises what little freedom they have. Because WHITE people feel so threatened by BLACK people that the thought of being called out and made to think about their actions is so scary that they find any way to shut the BLACK person up. Because a BLACK person calling a WHITE person out on their ignorant, racist actions is the equivalent of supporting one of the most dangerous and notorious leaders the world has ever known. It was at this point that I knew there was no helping him but I replied because the alternative would indicate defeat and some sort of consensus. So I replied and said “that is ABSOLUTELY NOT following my logic, but him disagreeing with me, sure as hell doesn’t make him right and the fact that he, a NON-BLACK person, feels once again, that they know what should and shouldn’t offend BLACK people is enough to end the entire conversation. He continued to talk directly to me and continued to push the “pity him, pity them” narrative,  because they meant no harm, pity EVERYONE else but the BLACK people, the people who were actually offended, but I didn’t reply because I was done. 

        He went on to mock me and ask me stupid questions like “how do I know he isn’t BLACK?” because you know? racism is hilarious. I didn’t reply because I began to see how much, or pardon me, how little an issue as serious as racial prejudice meant to him. And I could finally empathize, because how can you take something you have never, EVER had to think about seriously, because privilege is blind and brainwashing. Because what is the use trying to see reason with a person who is so out of touch with reality that he sides with and defends blatantly racist people? Because he isn’t helping but he isn’t the entire problem, the whole system is FUCKED. We are still slaves. If we weren’t slaves, the parents of a BLACK young man would never allow their son to model a hoodie with the words “Coolest monkey in the jungle” slapped across the front. We have been so oppressed and so brainwashed into thinking that we are all equal and everyone wants the best for us that we can no longer tell when we have become puppets, that WHITE people can so easily pit against each other. So as a BLACK person, I am angry and insulted and sad but I’m mostly exhausted. I am no longer going to make excuses for people, BLACK or WHITE. I am going to empathize ONLY when I feel as though people put thought into their actions and their actions are not ill-intentioned, otherwise… don’t count on it. I am in no way knocking the importance and the value of seeing things from other people’s perspectives but you shouldn’t spend so much time in other people’s shoes that yours no longer fit. Because in reality, many times people are not handing you half the respect you are so easily and naturally giving them. I mean why should you give someone the benefit of the doubt? There is no place in life where the BENEFIT comes before the ACTION, not even in the dictionary, so take a hint. If people have consistently acted only in their best interest, you should do that too. If you don’t know them and there’s no action to go off of, I am not going to ask you to be defensive because that breeds unnecessary hate but I am also not going to ask you to assume that anyone is a saint. I think the best thing to do is just trust your gut and follow your instincts because they are almost never wrong.

Dear Millennial...

Dear Millennial,

Trust me… you can handle one day in the year that may not be about you. I am single, so I mean… I may be bitter or whatever, but I’m really not fond of all the patronizing “love yourself” posts on social media, and all the oh so wise people, people in relationships, talking about “Valentine’s day is a day to spread love, whether or not you’re in a relationship.” I mean, I know it’s totally crazy, but I don’t feel left out or resentful towards Valentine’s day and it not being totally relevant to me, at this point in my life. 

In my opinion, being told that “self love is the best love” on Valentine’s day by another single person is fine but when it comes from a person in a relationship, I find it condescending and borderline insulting. I honestly cannot handle all the pity messages about if you’re single its OK, like being single is some sort of terminal disease. And then, there are the single ones on social media, who go off on a rant about how they are all they need and “this is how I sleep at night knowing that my ex is out there messing up some other girl’s life.” Like you don’t at all sound zen or mature or even remotely OK, you sound bitter and you are an attention seeker. I feel like the battles we all face in our private lives are enough, no need for the extra nonsense. All single people need to stop having FOMO (fear of missing out) over what they think they know about someone else’s relationship. I am not afraid to say that sometimes I get very lonely and sometimes I cannot shake the feeling that I am missing something, not being in a relationship. I honestly have no problem getting to this place on my own, so I really do not need yet another person in a relationship shoving another self-love message forced down my throat and I do not anyone relentlessly but passively trying to convince me that I have a shitty life solely because I am single. 

I mean , what is the guarantee that my life would be better if I was in a relationship? Yeah, I get lonely… but when I think, no, like really think about it, past all the superficial bullshit, I know that I am not ready to be with someone just yet. I have heard from people who are married and/or are in long-term relationships, that it is good to know without a doubt, who you are, before you commit to someone else. It’s hard enough embracing who you are when you know, and holding on to that in a relationship can prove a little more difficult. Thus, it is a recipe for disaster, choosing to enter into a relationship, uncertain and unsure of who you are. You are the most vulnerable and the most impressionable when you are uncertain. Not knowing who you are will mean that you will have an even more difficult time setting boundaries and recognizing when you are losing yourself. When you are uncertain of who you are, you don’t notice when you are letting go of what is fundamentally essential to your character and when you are making yourself small to fit the needs of your partner until you wake up one day and you have no idea who the person staring back at you in the mirror is.

That being said... for most of my adult life, I have been single, it is what I know and it is what it is, so the only type of love outside of family and friends that I have any sort of experience with is self-love, so that is what I am going to talk about. And well… what’s different about this one is that I am going to speak honestly about my experiences and hope that you can relate to at least some of it. No backhanded comments and no bullshit. I think this is useful because I have learnt that it is important to sort out your relationship with yourself and your friends and your family before you get into any sort of romantic relationship, you know? (not because you have to have a good relationship with everyone but because it is good to know where you are and it is good practise for a romantic relationship, setting boundaries and all) 

Build a tribe, a solid support system, so that when you do get into a relationship, you are not solely dependent on your partner for emotional support and stability. I mean, a blind man can see how that would be unhealthy and easily result in emotional abuse. The most common thread in domestic violence cases is that the oppressor isolates the victim from their emotional and financial support systems early on in the abusive relationship, so that the victim feels trapped and keeps going back because they know and they have nothing else. The number one reason why domestic violence survivors go back to their abusers is because they have no sort of financial backbone and so they feel helpless and dependent on their abusers for survival. 

So, here it goes… I figure I should use myself as an example because this is who I know best. Loving who you are is a no-brainer and really quite easy when you feel confident and you are doing well but it is most important in those moments when its feels impossible and you absolutely cannot love who you are. In terms of self-love and self-acceptance, the thing I have struggled with the most is my weight. I mean, I have good days and bad days but whenever I feel like I have had a good couple of days, weeks even, someone makes a sly comment and we are back to square one. I have been in Nigeria for last couple of months and if you know anything about Nigerians, you know that we are as subtle as a steak knife. So, no… I have not been feeling great but now instead of wallowing in self-pity, I have chosen to take back my control and stop letting what people say have such an effect on me. I have decided to get out more often because I find that I sink into depressive thoughts when I am on my own in bed, sans wi-fi and literally doing nothing. I have also decided to make a conscious effort to write my feelings down, so that I don’t bottle them up and just explode out of the blue… Lord knows, I’ve been there and done that. Easier said than done, but at least I know I am moving in right direction. In addition to my chicken wings and muffin top, I have also acquired a healthy amount of acne over the last couple of months, which I know… these all sound like first-world problems but I am going to continue to be honest because I know that honesty does not always mean you can relate but it does make me a little less phony so I’ll take it. So, yeah I feel like every single pimple I have ever popped has risen from the dead and come back to haunt me. It is like “ghosts of pimples past” on my face right now and I have probably made it worse with all the worrying I have done. And again, every time I go out without makeup on, someone makes it a point to ask what am I doing about it because you know, MY acne situation is sooooo stressful for THEM. However, I have chosen to do everything I can to distract myself  and drink as much water as possible because water apparently solves everything.

I find it quite difficult to see myself, much less love myself when I fail or make a bad decision. When I fail or make a bad decision, I almost always revert to losing it and the standard “I fail because I’m chronically dumb and I make bad decisions because I am not good at anything” downward spiral. Any sort of attempt to come out from under the fire and recover makes me feel like I am trying to transfer blame or shy away from the part I played. I never think about the fact that failing and making bad decisions require courage and thought and effort, which is what I would like to do moving forward. I never stop for a second to think about the fact that the level of guilt and disappointment I feel is totally unrelated to how much of an adult I am or how to fix the situation, so at best... it is a waste of time. I am human so obviously I feel bad when things don't go my way, but what is futile is to extend this period to a point where I can't understanding how failing does not make me a failure. I honestly think that sometimes I fail because I get confused and immediately doubt sets and I never recover. So now, whenever I feel the slightest bit confused, I panic, which does nothing for my acne but I am so terrified that being confused means failure, which makes things a little foggy in my mind and it suddenly becomes quite difficult to see how I am just making everything worse.

However, over the last couple of months, I have had the opportunity to speak to a few wise people who have almost unanimously told me that being confused and getting to what feels like rock bottom, while utterly terrifying can also mean that inspiration, the most beautiful thing, is just around the corner. Thus, I am now in the process of reconditioning my mind to accept that a significant part of embracing growth and your journey and trusting your dopeness and the timing of your life, is learning to embrace it when one feels confused. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the word “confused” as lacking in order. So many times, because we feel confused, we also assume that it is because we are stupid and we have nothing to offer. Lacking in order can lead to blocked access to whatever it is that you need, for example, having a messy room can make it quite difficult to find your cute mustard crop top that you absolutely have to wear to the house party tonight. However, the fact that you can’t see the top does in no way, shape or form mean that the top isn’t in your room. In fact, you know that the top is in your room, so it is just down to tidying it up and you are almost certain it will show up. You don’t take one look at the mess and decide that the mustard top has to be somewhere else. You may take the easier route and decide to wear something else because you feel like you don’t have enough time, but you know very well that the mustard top is somewhere in your room. Unfortunately, we often fail to do this in our minds, when it is more difficult than usual to form a coherent thought or use the resources that you have, it is probably down to taking time to de-clutter your mind. But instead when an answer is taking a little too long to show up, we begin to doubt our minds and our abilities and assume that it is because we have nothing to offer or we maybe don’t know how to use our brain and our resources, that’s why we are here. Either way, it always somehow becomes your fault, which does nothing for your confidence.

Being confused can often make you feel stranded and suffocated and like you have no options, but in fact, it is quite literally, the opposite. We get confused because we are indecisive, because we have no faith, because we have no perseverance, because we do not trust our own intuition and because we are so terrified by failure, that we freeze and do nothing at all… I mean, that’s one way to do it. Not finding the mustard top the first time, does not mean that it isn’t there, so what if it takes a couple more tries? We are so good at convincing ourselves that we are confused and we do not have the answers we need, but the fact is, we are just entitled cowards, and we fear that what we want is so far out of our comfort zones that failure seems imminent. So, it makes sense to pout and bask in our “loneliness” and what we think we may or may not be missing in a relationship, because it is much easier to feel the pain or try to bury the pain of loneliness that is self-inflicted than to face whatever or whoever it is that terrifies us and have no agency over the pain and where it comes from. So, we conveniently talk about “self-love” and what not, to give off the illusion that we are mature and well aware of ourselves while actually doing nothing to get to know who we really are. We are so focused on feeding our present selves that we become totally oblivious to the great disservice we are doing to our future selves. 

We have become or slowly become so incredibly self-involved and narcissistic and so relentless in our avoidance of life and change that we are left with no time to much of anything else. And you know what’s worse? We often don’t even notice, so we could be doing this over and over and over again for years and years, only to blame a new thing or person every time shit hits the fan. So, honestly… Isn’t it  much easier to just give in? and do whatever it is that terrifies us because what’s the worst that could happen? What? failure? well… you’ll be OK, trust me.

I am 23 and I already feel like I'm babbling...

       

      Oscar Wilde once said “One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.” Well… too late Oscar Wilde, I’m 23 years OLD, which… I mean, is pretty much 30, like… if we are being totally honest. Also who is this “one” you speak of? In any case, I totally disagree, I think you SHOULD absolutely trust a woman who honestly tells you how old she is. I don’t know how getting older has become such a taboo, all of a sudden, age has been made to be this horrible, horrible thing that we (especially women) should absolutely avoid and do everything within our power to work against. When a man gets grey hair, he is called a silver fox but when its a woman, she has stress highlights and she needs to book an appointment with the salon as soon as possible to sort it out. 
      In my mind, there is a massive difference between staying relevant/educating yourself about the status quo and being totally oblivious to a looming mid-life crisis/psychological breakdown. I get so frustrated by 40-something year old men who still sag their trousers or 40-something, 50-something year old African women who feel the need to fake a British accent to look cool. Like, hunty, you went to school in Nigeria and you built your entire life in Nigeria, what’s with the “oi, mate?” 

We are a generation that is so incredibly obsessed with being “the first one to…” and being great and cool and hip and alternative and “other,” that we have almost totally discredited and disregarded the freedom and the wisdom that accompanies age. I mean, in this new age of social media, we are constantly and consistently bombarded with images and narratives and beautiful stories of young leaders and trailblazers, who have won Oscars and Grammys before they the morning of their 25th birthday, which is great. But you know what else is great? You!!!!! Yes, you! Unemployed? Single? Frustrated? Totally confused? Call 1800- … I’m kidding. But, no seriously… I’ve talked on here about fighting the urge to compare your behind-the-scenes to another person’s “showtime!!!!!” moment. Comparison is futile and problematic and an unnecessary burden. 

      In the more conservative societies, the value of a girl is measured by how quickly she is able to become someone’s wife. And guess who sets these ridiculous standards and normalizes such oppressive practices and belief systems? Bingo!!!! MEN. The ones who feel that they are equipped to tell a woman about her journey and what she should and shouldn’t have. Marriage is set as the ultimate goal because you know, there is nothing to be said for FINALLY becoming more comfortable in your own skin and ACTUALLY making something of yourself. It is men like Oscar Wilde, who are brilliant, maybe, but also misogynistic twats that have been given the power and say-so for far too long. It is men like Oscar Wilde and Harvey Weinstein that have tried to shut women up because there is something to be said for honesty, the truth is often inconvenient and it hurts, but that does not make it any less important or valuable. Oscar Wilde and other men, and sadly, other women have been conditioned and brainwashed against the truth because it often compromises their power and prestige and socioeconomic status. Oppressors have learned that often the only way to defeat another individual is to tell them and teach them that the truth and their truth doesn’t matter, juuuust long enough for them to believe it. The best way to conquer a group is to pit them against one another. So now that I am 23, I am going to choose to protect my happiness and build other people around me who are on similar journeys up. I am not going to be selfish with my resources and I am not going to compete with anyone but myself and I am no longer going to try to one up the next person. While I am at it and now that I am 23, I should also probably…

Stop putting soooooo much pressure on myself…

      I am reminded… a fair bit actually, that no one is as together as they may seem on social media and even if they are, they worked really really REALLY hard to get there and even if they have managed to reach a “good place,” or wear a convincing “smile” it does in no way, shape or form mean that their life isn’t hard or that they do not struggle or have difficult days or face challenges and obstacles. It is the internalizing and the processing part that I suck at. However, in the year of 23, I plan to take as many deep breaths and social media cleanses and have as many cries and glasses (maybe bottles of red wine) as is required to stop winding myself up. This may lead to a slow descent into alcoholism but we will cross that bridge when we get there, ok? One bloody thing at a time, my goodness.

Take my faith more seriously

  No, like… really try, put some real effort into it. Christianity, in my opinion, is more a relationship than a religion. Granted it is a relationship with God, a higher power but IT IS, a relationship. And like with any relationship, it takes time and consistency and commitment and sacrifice and honesty and I plan to take my time and go at a steady pace. My plan is to get closer to a place where I don’t feel the need to validate my choices to other people and I can be proud and not try my best to make it “cool” that I love God because it is “cool” to me, and that’s all that should matter. I want to commit to learn more about and experience God for myself. 

Let go of the illusion that I will continue to stuff my face and magically wake up with a body I feel proud of …

  Because that is what it is… an illusion. Like, most girls (I hope), my body confidence goes in cycles. First, there’s the temptation. So, when I’m in Canada, I’ll walk past a Second Cup (coffee shop) and I’ll rationalize “oh I haven’t had breakfast” and then I’ll go in thinking and planning on buying a slice of the glorious banana loaf but always walk out with two. In Nigeria, I don’t even have to go out, between my mum’s fridge and her pantry, I reckon that’s about four or five restaurants… no joke. So yeah, I’m royally screwed when it comes to food, or I mean, I could just be an adult, or like a normal person, and eat my fruits and veggies and drink my water.

Stop pretending I don’t care about boys

      This is just a coping mechanism. Plain and simple. I am so afraid, utterly terrified that I would like a boy and he wouldn’t like me back that instead, I come up with every reason I can to keep any possible boy relationships at arm’s length. I say “oh I am focused on me” or “boys are stupid” or I conclude before he opens his mouth that “he only wants to get laid.” I act like I’ve been hurt or cheated on or something, when.. in reality, I haven’t stayed long enough for any of that to happen. So in year 23, I plan to be open-minded, maintain my high standards but be at least open to conversations and possibly dating. 

Filter not sponge 

      I am probably the most emotional person I know. I constantly take things people say to me literally and personally, when they really aren’t and I am extremely, almost too sensitive to other people’s vibes and energies. I know that it is my duty to protect my energy and my happiness but I often fail myself in that area and that has to change. I have to begin to understand that being a sum total of all my life experiences does not justify choosing to be affected by every single one. I also need to be able to find a balance between taking advice and listening to myself and figuring out what it is, I do want. In year 23, I am going to look to me first for validation.

Remember that the presence of anxiety or fear is not the absence of faith

      It would be awfully convenient to tell you that, in year 23, I will not be afraid but that is probably not going to happen. In life, things happen all of a sudden and the natural instinct is to be afraid but what I am not going to do, is operate in that fear. I am going to do is master the art of pulling myself back up if and when I get anxious or fearful or discouraged. I am going to teach myself to expect good things to happen because expecting good things to happen is not being oblivious to the thousand different ways something could go bad, it is choosing to focus your mind, your time and your energy on the one way it could go right.

Internalize that I am a half way decent person, so I can stop being so surprised when people like me

  I don’t think I am horrible person or anything but I’ve noticed over the last year or so, when I have gotten along with someone or a stranger has complimented me, I have HONESTLY been caught off guard. It's weird because I want people to like me, like I can bit of a people pleaser. Yet, I just automatically think “there are better, smarter, prettier girls than me” which I mean, there obviously are... but that's not the point. However, what I fail to revert back to is the fact that this in no way discredits my own unique beauty or talent. Being aware of the value you add or your amazing personality or your witty sense of humour, does not make you arrogant, it helps you to be confident. Thus, I will try to be less surprised.

Stop feeling so guilty and stop overthinking it when I don’t get along with someone

      Ok, so… if you have read my blog for a little while, you will know that I haven’t had the best luck with friendships. I mean, I have amazing friends but I have also had people treat me less than respectful. Thus, I have unconsciously gained this bias towards myself to where if I don’t get along with a person as soon as they are introduced to me, I automatically think it’s my fault and I’m being difficult. In year 23, I plan to remind myself that a person does not have to be horrible to have no place in my life and in nine out of ten cases, my instincts are spot on.

Learn to fix my own goddamn false lashes

  Because my sister, Ulisan would be soooo proud of me. This is going to take a lot of practice because the last time I tried, I managed to stick all my natural eyelashes together into one huge, messy clump and I feel like I’m still washing out the glue to this day but I will continue to try… wish me luck.

Let it go when my eyebrows don’t look like cousins

  No, seriously… I’m not ashamed to say that I am quite messy in real life, messy… not dirty, there’s a big difference. But I’m borderline OCD when it comes to my eyebrows, like my eyebrows have to match, if not I can have a bad day. It would help me to get ready… on time, if I just let it go, you know?

Stop the stress-acne cycle

      So, right this minute, I have more acne than I have ever done in my entire life. This acne has been triggered by a number of factors, one of which is STRESS. I literally over think everything. I am having lunch later today, with two of my oldest and best friends, and I feel anxious. I have thought about the food, I have thought extensively about the conversation, I have thought up cute anecdotes to throw in incase things get a little frosty, I have worried that maybe they won’t get along and we would all have to sit in silence after an awkward fist fight, all of which isn’t helping my bloody acne. And then I notice new acne, which starts up the entire process again

Start saving a little money

      For the fifth year in a row. But no, I have to be serious now, those scissors sound REAL sharp Dad! Not to mention that our little friend Google has astutely pointed out that  I need to figure some sort of cushion to fall back on and soon because we are getting closer and closer to that when dad and mum decide that I am no longer their financial responsibility. I feel it coming… so better get a move on.

Get to a place mentally, where I don’t doubt myself every time I have to say no or set a boundary

  I know that I have become a lot better at protecting my happiness and control the energies around me in the last year or so, but I would also like to get a little better. Now, I have no problem standing up for myself when I feel I am being slighted or disrespected in any way, it’s the letting go part that is a bit of an issue. Whenever I’ve had to call anyone out or block a troll on social media or stand up for myself in any way, I replay the situation in my head over and over again. I overthink my reaction and I try to rationalize the other person’s hostility and I convince myself that I overreacted and “oh, maybe they didn’t mean any harm.” But in year of 23, screw that! I am going to try my best to put myself first and focus on being in my own corner and not worry so much about the way I chose to defend myself and whether or not it suited the other person. 

Give other lipsticks a fair shot

  I know this may sound deep and like a little bit of reach but I honestly feel like I am not pushing boundaries or thinking outside the box or remotely outside my comfort zone in any area of my life and I am a little bored. When I go on a night out, I tell myself I’m really going to go for it and you know? Do something crazy but I end up wearing the exact same makeup look every time. I wear a bronzy look of some sort and without fail, my trusty MAC “Hug me” lipstick, its a nude-y pink shade so it is barely visible. And I mean, there is nothing wrong with having a go-to look, as a matter of fact, it is quite convenient because it means you spend less time getting ready. However, I want to start tweaking things a little, and changing things up. Lord knows I watch enough YouTube makeup tutorials to semi- pull it off, I mean.. surely!

Stop forgetting to wear mascara

  No, seriously… and I get soooo upset when I remember in the car or the Subway. Every time I forget to put mascara on, I have the same futile conversation in my head. First, I get super angry and I convince myself that I am an irresponsible adult, I mean I cannot even get my own makeup done on time. Then I take it a little further (because you know that’s what I do) and proceed to the whole “I should have woken up earlier/ my time management skills are horrendous/ I am a liar and a fraud” (because that’s one of my go-to strengths when I’m getting interviewed) phase. Then, I simmer down and come to the realization that its not that deep and I can just use one of those Snapchat filters that have false eyelashes, all on my own… so crazy that. But then, when I am actually out, I feel incredibly self-conscious and can never just relax and enjoy myself. So, yeah, sure, wearing mascara is this incredibly superficial thing but if it has the potential to have such a lasting effect on my day, then I feel like I should make an extra effort to remember, I mean… it’s not rocket science.

Try painting my nails a colour that isn’t “baby” anything once in a while

  I mean… blood red is still a solid NO but maybe  pastel green or lilac, I don’t know…just something else. You know what? I should probably tackle the whole feeling guilty for getting my nails in the first place first.

Experiment a little more with fashion… or at least wear more skirts

  I mean I’m almost 30, so my years of experimenting with fashion and being called “cool” or “alternative” and not “bat shit crazy” or an “agbaya” are numbered. I started on this a little bit but I want to do more and go even further. I feel like my style is all over the place, currently under construction. I mean I’m not doing horribly but I want to wear what I want and not care so much what other people think. I would also like to add a few more skirts to my wardrobe, I probably own maybe four skirts and I maybe wear one or two.

Pick the phone when people call me

  I am notorious for not picking up my phone. You see, I think texting is just so much more me. But a lot of people like to call, so I think in year 23, I should meet people halfway and at least pick up my phone sometimes, nothing too crazy. You know what it is? The thing is, I don’t love my voice, and… yeah… I feel like I sound like a man. Also, I am not the chattiest person in the entire world but when I get into it, I can be quite the chatterbox. So, I feel extremely frustrated when I get called or brought into a conversation and I start to feel rushed or like the other person is uninterested in what I am saying. But yeah, I guess people generally like it when you pick up the phone when they call, so I’ll try.

Be more concerned with maintaining functional, adult friendships and relationships than I am with getting my white walls dirty and giving out my wi-fi password.

  I’m always telling my friends how they don’t care about me and how they do the bare minimum but I see a little pot calling a couple of kettles black because I don’t either and I should, period. When my friend calls me on a Saturday to see if I have plans and if they can come over. My brain does this, in the exact order:

Do I have food in my fridge? Usually, nope… so I have to order online or pop over to the grocery store to get snacks

Does this mean I have to stop watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix? Or can I just give them my wi-fi password? But, wait… I don’t want to do that either

My walls are white, and people don’t know how to keep their arms to themselves

I haven’t seen them in a while.. I guess it wouldn’t absolutely suck to see them

Who is going to wash the dishes we use and tidy up when we are done?

Spend more time worrying about what I think of me than I do what others think of me

      Spend less time worrying, period. More than that I am going to begin to take practical steps and invest my time only in activities and people that build me up.

I should probably learn to cook…

...because I'm hopeless in the kitchen and to save money and to stop eating out so frequently, NOT as a badge of honour to shove in other girl’s faces or a thing to show boys (even though I should probably not get so defensive). I struggle to differentiate between boys.. and girls, who are asking if I cook just to get to know me better and those who are asking because they are self-hating, misogynistic pigs. I mean I would feel more comfortable if I was the one who brought up the whole “cooking thing” up in conversation but the fact is, someone has to and the fact that it is a guy asks shouldn’t be an instant red flag. I should give them a chance to say something stupid first, I should give them ample opportunity to get smart in the mouth… is all.

Stop feeling guilty every single time I encounter a person who has less than I do

  It is probably unhealthy to feel guilty whenever I see someone who has less than I do. After all, it is not my duty to help every single person because more than that, it really is impossible. It is only my duty to find a way to give of myself, to provide relief and add value in some capacity. Between making more of an effort to smile and look them in the eye, giving the regular two-dollar coin to the homeless guy on the street, volunteering and being there for the people in my life… I think I am doing ok. Guilt is an admission of fault but not in the way that accepts responsibility but in the way that my heart is telling me that I can do a little more, which I plan to do this year.

Learn how to take a compliment… and not be so awkward.

      If you know me, then you know that I am THE most awkward girl on planet earth and I plan to work on that this year. I think it starts with me embracing the girl I am and the woman I am becoming. I mean I don’t know… I just need to stop being the girl that replies “you too” when someone wishes me a happy birthday. I also never know what to do when I get a compliment, my heart beats really fast and I break out in a sweat and I immediately downplay whatever it is and change the topic as soon as I can. This isn’t healthy, I have learned that it is OK to take credit or smile and enjoy the moment when someone says something nice.

      C.S. Lewis once said “some day you will be old enough to start reading fairytales again” and I love this quote because it encapsulates my hopes for the future. Now more than ever, classic fairytales are being adapted into movies to make them more “realistic” and “relatable” and to bring them back down to earth, which makes me a little sad to be honest. The incessant narrative and rhetoric around the realization that life isn’t a fairytale being the strongest indicator of growth and maturity and adolescence and adulthood is disheartening. I think more than anything else, this quote suggests that it takes age and life experience to begin to believe in magic and happy endings again. It often takes living an entire life worth of experiences to begin to believe in magic and fairy dust again.  I think so many times, it is at the far end of one’s life that one realizes just how good they have had it, and just how magical the life they have had has been. So… more than anything, in this new year I want to look for the magic in the world and find a glimmer of it at least once every single day and hold on to it very tightly. I want to enjoy my victories, big and small, I want to celebrate my victories as they happen, I do not want to wait till the end. At every point, I want to be able to embrace and feel proud of whatever age I am and wherever I am in my life and my journey. I want to continue to have faith and believe that in the midst of my anxiety and uncertainty and in the midst of so much fear and darkness and hate and despair in the world, my life and my journey can be magical and beautiful and full of wonder.

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