Oscar Wilde once said “One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.” Well… too late Oscar Wilde, I’m 23 years OLD, which… I mean, is pretty much 30, like… if we are being totally honest. Also who is this “one” you speak of? In any case, I totally disagree, I think you SHOULD absolutely trust a woman who honestly tells you how old she is. I don’t know how getting older has become such a taboo, all of a sudden, age has been made to be this horrible, horrible thing that we (especially women) should absolutely avoid and do everything within our power to work against. When a man gets grey hair, he is called a silver fox but when its a woman, she has stress highlights and she needs to book an appointment with the salon as soon as possible to sort it out.
In my mind, there is a massive difference between staying relevant/educating yourself about the status quo and being totally oblivious to a looming mid-life crisis/psychological breakdown. I get so frustrated by 40-something year old men who still sag their trousers or 40-something, 50-something year old African women who feel the need to fake a British accent to look cool. Like, hunty, you went to school in Nigeria and you built your entire life in Nigeria, what’s with the “oi, mate?”
We are a generation that is so incredibly obsessed with being “the first one to…” and being great and cool and hip and alternative and “other,” that we have almost totally discredited and disregarded the freedom and the wisdom that accompanies age. I mean, in this new age of social media, we are constantly and consistently bombarded with images and narratives and beautiful stories of young leaders and trailblazers, who have won Oscars and Grammys before they the morning of their 25th birthday, which is great. But you know what else is great? You!!!!! Yes, you! Unemployed? Single? Frustrated? Totally confused? Call 1800- … I’m kidding. But, no seriously… I’ve talked on here about fighting the urge to compare your behind-the-scenes to another person’s “showtime!!!!!” moment. Comparison is futile and problematic and an unnecessary burden.
In the more conservative societies, the value of a girl is measured by how quickly she is able to become someone’s wife. And guess who sets these ridiculous standards and normalizes such oppressive practices and belief systems? Bingo!!!! MEN. The ones who feel that they are equipped to tell a woman about her journey and what she should and shouldn’t have. Marriage is set as the ultimate goal because you know, there is nothing to be said for FINALLY becoming more comfortable in your own skin and ACTUALLY making something of yourself. It is men like Oscar Wilde, who are brilliant, maybe, but also misogynistic twats that have been given the power and say-so for far too long. It is men like Oscar Wilde and Harvey Weinstein that have tried to shut women up because there is something to be said for honesty, the truth is often inconvenient and it hurts, but that does not make it any less important or valuable. Oscar Wilde and other men, and sadly, other women have been conditioned and brainwashed against the truth because it often compromises their power and prestige and socioeconomic status. Oppressors have learned that often the only way to defeat another individual is to tell them and teach them that the truth and their truth doesn’t matter, juuuust long enough for them to believe it. The best way to conquer a group is to pit them against one another. So now that I am 23, I am going to choose to protect my happiness and build other people around me who are on similar journeys up. I am not going to be selfish with my resources and I am not going to compete with anyone but myself and I am no longer going to try to one up the next person. While I am at it and now that I am 23, I should also probably…
Stop putting soooooo much pressure on myself…
I am reminded… a fair bit actually, that no one is as together as they may seem on social media and even if they are, they worked really really REALLY hard to get there and even if they have managed to reach a “good place,” or wear a convincing “smile” it does in no way, shape or form mean that their life isn’t hard or that they do not struggle or have difficult days or face challenges and obstacles. It is the internalizing and the processing part that I suck at. However, in the year of 23, I plan to take as many deep breaths and social media cleanses and have as many cries and glasses (maybe bottles of red wine) as is required to stop winding myself up. This may lead to a slow descent into alcoholism but we will cross that bridge when we get there, ok? One bloody thing at a time, my goodness.
Take my faith more seriously
No, like… really try, put some real effort into it. Christianity, in my opinion, is more a relationship than a religion. Granted it is a relationship with God, a higher power but IT IS, a relationship. And like with any relationship, it takes time and consistency and commitment and sacrifice and honesty and I plan to take my time and go at a steady pace. My plan is to get closer to a place where I don’t feel the need to validate my choices to other people and I can be proud and not try my best to make it “cool” that I love God because it is “cool” to me, and that’s all that should matter. I want to commit to learn more about and experience God for myself.
Let go of the illusion that I will continue to stuff my face and magically wake up with a body I feel proud of …
Because that is what it is… an illusion. Like, most girls (I hope), my body confidence goes in cycles. First, there’s the temptation. So, when I’m in Canada, I’ll walk past a Second Cup (coffee shop) and I’ll rationalize “oh I haven’t had breakfast” and then I’ll go in thinking and planning on buying a slice of the glorious banana loaf but always walk out with two. In Nigeria, I don’t even have to go out, between my mum’s fridge and her pantry, I reckon that’s about four or five restaurants… no joke. So yeah, I’m royally screwed when it comes to food, or I mean, I could just be an adult, or like a normal person, and eat my fruits and veggies and drink my water.
Stop pretending I don’t care about boys
This is just a coping mechanism. Plain and simple. I am so afraid, utterly terrified that I would like a boy and he wouldn’t like me back that instead, I come up with every reason I can to keep any possible boy relationships at arm’s length. I say “oh I am focused on me” or “boys are stupid” or I conclude before he opens his mouth that “he only wants to get laid.” I act like I’ve been hurt or cheated on or something, when.. in reality, I haven’t stayed long enough for any of that to happen. So in year 23, I plan to be open-minded, maintain my high standards but be at least open to conversations and possibly dating.
Filter not sponge
I am probably the most emotional person I know. I constantly take things people say to me literally and personally, when they really aren’t and I am extremely, almost too sensitive to other people’s vibes and energies. I know that it is my duty to protect my energy and my happiness but I often fail myself in that area and that has to change. I have to begin to understand that being a sum total of all my life experiences does not justify choosing to be affected by every single one. I also need to be able to find a balance between taking advice and listening to myself and figuring out what it is, I do want. In year 23, I am going to look to me first for validation.
Remember that the presence of anxiety or fear is not the absence of faith
It would be awfully convenient to tell you that, in year 23, I will not be afraid but that is probably not going to happen. In life, things happen all of a sudden and the natural instinct is to be afraid but what I am not going to do, is operate in that fear. I am going to do is master the art of pulling myself back up if and when I get anxious or fearful or discouraged. I am going to teach myself to expect good things to happen because expecting good things to happen is not being oblivious to the thousand different ways something could go bad, it is choosing to focus your mind, your time and your energy on the one way it could go right.
Internalize that I am a half way decent person, so I can stop being so surprised when people like me
I don’t think I am horrible person or anything but I’ve noticed over the last year or so, when I have gotten along with someone or a stranger has complimented me, I have HONESTLY been caught off guard. It's weird because I want people to like me, like I can bit of a people pleaser. Yet, I just automatically think “there are better, smarter, prettier girls than me” which I mean, there obviously are... but that's not the point. However, what I fail to revert back to is the fact that this in no way discredits my own unique beauty or talent. Being aware of the value you add or your amazing personality or your witty sense of humour, does not make you arrogant, it helps you to be confident. Thus, I will try to be less surprised.
Stop feeling so guilty and stop overthinking it when I don’t get along with someone
Ok, so… if you have read my blog for a little while, you will know that I haven’t had the best luck with friendships. I mean, I have amazing friends but I have also had people treat me less than respectful. Thus, I have unconsciously gained this bias towards myself to where if I don’t get along with a person as soon as they are introduced to me, I automatically think it’s my fault and I’m being difficult. In year 23, I plan to remind myself that a person does not have to be horrible to have no place in my life and in nine out of ten cases, my instincts are spot on.
Learn to fix my own goddamn false lashes
Because my sister, Ulisan would be soooo proud of me. This is going to take a lot of practice because the last time I tried, I managed to stick all my natural eyelashes together into one huge, messy clump and I feel like I’m still washing out the glue to this day but I will continue to try… wish me luck.
Let it go when my eyebrows don’t look like cousins
No, seriously… I’m not ashamed to say that I am quite messy in real life, messy… not dirty, there’s a big difference. But I’m borderline OCD when it comes to my eyebrows, like my eyebrows have to match, if not I can have a bad day. It would help me to get ready… on time, if I just let it go, you know?
Stop the stress-acne cycle
So, right this minute, I have more acne than I have ever done in my entire life. This acne has been triggered by a number of factors, one of which is STRESS. I literally over think everything. I am having lunch later today, with two of my oldest and best friends, and I feel anxious. I have thought about the food, I have thought extensively about the conversation, I have thought up cute anecdotes to throw in incase things get a little frosty, I have worried that maybe they won’t get along and we would all have to sit in silence after an awkward fist fight, all of which isn’t helping my bloody acne. And then I notice new acne, which starts up the entire process again
Start saving a little money
For the fifth year in a row. But no, I have to be serious now, those scissors sound REAL sharp Dad! Not to mention that our little friend Google has astutely pointed out that I need to figure some sort of cushion to fall back on and soon because we are getting closer and closer to that when dad and mum decide that I am no longer their financial responsibility. I feel it coming… so better get a move on.
Get to a place mentally, where I don’t doubt myself every time I have to say no or set a boundary
I know that I have become a lot better at protecting my happiness and control the energies around me in the last year or so, but I would also like to get a little better. Now, I have no problem standing up for myself when I feel I am being slighted or disrespected in any way, it’s the letting go part that is a bit of an issue. Whenever I’ve had to call anyone out or block a troll on social media or stand up for myself in any way, I replay the situation in my head over and over again. I overthink my reaction and I try to rationalize the other person’s hostility and I convince myself that I overreacted and “oh, maybe they didn’t mean any harm.” But in year of 23, screw that! I am going to try my best to put myself first and focus on being in my own corner and not worry so much about the way I chose to defend myself and whether or not it suited the other person.
Give other lipsticks a fair shot
I know this may sound deep and like a little bit of reach but I honestly feel like I am not pushing boundaries or thinking outside the box or remotely outside my comfort zone in any area of my life and I am a little bored. When I go on a night out, I tell myself I’m really going to go for it and you know? Do something crazy but I end up wearing the exact same makeup look every time. I wear a bronzy look of some sort and without fail, my trusty MAC “Hug me” lipstick, its a nude-y pink shade so it is barely visible. And I mean, there is nothing wrong with having a go-to look, as a matter of fact, it is quite convenient because it means you spend less time getting ready. However, I want to start tweaking things a little, and changing things up. Lord knows I watch enough YouTube makeup tutorials to semi- pull it off, I mean.. surely!
Stop forgetting to wear mascara
No, seriously… and I get soooo upset when I remember in the car or the Subway. Every time I forget to put mascara on, I have the same futile conversation in my head. First, I get super angry and I convince myself that I am an irresponsible adult, I mean I cannot even get my own makeup done on time. Then I take it a little further (because you know that’s what I do) and proceed to the whole “I should have woken up earlier/ my time management skills are horrendous/ I am a liar and a fraud” (because that’s one of my go-to strengths when I’m getting interviewed) phase. Then, I simmer down and come to the realization that its not that deep and I can just use one of those Snapchat filters that have false eyelashes, all on my own… so crazy that. But then, when I am actually out, I feel incredibly self-conscious and can never just relax and enjoy myself. So, yeah, sure, wearing mascara is this incredibly superficial thing but if it has the potential to have such a lasting effect on my day, then I feel like I should make an extra effort to remember, I mean… it’s not rocket science.
Try painting my nails a colour that isn’t “baby” anything once in a while
I mean… blood red is still a solid NO but maybe pastel green or lilac, I don’t know…just something else. You know what? I should probably tackle the whole feeling guilty for getting my nails in the first place first.
Experiment a little more with fashion… or at least wear more skirts
I mean I’m almost 30, so my years of experimenting with fashion and being called “cool” or “alternative” and not “bat shit crazy” or an “agbaya” are numbered. I started on this a little bit but I want to do more and go even further. I feel like my style is all over the place, currently under construction. I mean I’m not doing horribly but I want to wear what I want and not care so much what other people think. I would also like to add a few more skirts to my wardrobe, I probably own maybe four skirts and I maybe wear one or two.
Pick the phone when people call me
I am notorious for not picking up my phone. You see, I think texting is just so much more me. But a lot of people like to call, so I think in year 23, I should meet people halfway and at least pick up my phone sometimes, nothing too crazy. You know what it is? The thing is, I don’t love my voice, and… yeah… I feel like I sound like a man. Also, I am not the chattiest person in the entire world but when I get into it, I can be quite the chatterbox. So, I feel extremely frustrated when I get called or brought into a conversation and I start to feel rushed or like the other person is uninterested in what I am saying. But yeah, I guess people generally like it when you pick up the phone when they call, so I’ll try.
Be more concerned with maintaining functional, adult friendships and relationships than I am with getting my white walls dirty and giving out my wi-fi password.
I’m always telling my friends how they don’t care about me and how they do the bare minimum but I see a little pot calling a couple of kettles black because I don’t either and I should, period. When my friend calls me on a Saturday to see if I have plans and if they can come over. My brain does this, in the exact order:
Do I have food in my fridge? Usually, nope… so I have to order online or pop over to the grocery store to get snacks
Does this mean I have to stop watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix? Or can I just give them my wi-fi password? But, wait… I don’t want to do that either
My walls are white, and people don’t know how to keep their arms to themselves
I haven’t seen them in a while.. I guess it wouldn’t absolutely suck to see them
Who is going to wash the dishes we use and tidy up when we are done?
Spend more time worrying about what I think of me than I do what others think of me
Spend less time worrying, period. More than that I am going to begin to take practical steps and invest my time only in activities and people that build me up.
I should probably learn to cook…
...because I'm hopeless in the kitchen and to save money and to stop eating out so frequently, NOT as a badge of honour to shove in other girl’s faces or a thing to show boys (even though I should probably not get so defensive). I struggle to differentiate between boys.. and girls, who are asking if I cook just to get to know me better and those who are asking because they are self-hating, misogynistic pigs. I mean I would feel more comfortable if I was the one who brought up the whole “cooking thing” up in conversation but the fact is, someone has to and the fact that it is a guy asks shouldn’t be an instant red flag. I should give them a chance to say something stupid first, I should give them ample opportunity to get smart in the mouth… is all.
Stop feeling guilty every single time I encounter a person who has less than I do
It is probably unhealthy to feel guilty whenever I see someone who has less than I do. After all, it is not my duty to help every single person because more than that, it really is impossible. It is only my duty to find a way to give of myself, to provide relief and add value in some capacity. Between making more of an effort to smile and look them in the eye, giving the regular two-dollar coin to the homeless guy on the street, volunteering and being there for the people in my life… I think I am doing ok. Guilt is an admission of fault but not in the way that accepts responsibility but in the way that my heart is telling me that I can do a little more, which I plan to do this year.
Learn how to take a compliment… and not be so awkward.
If you know me, then you know that I am THE most awkward girl on planet earth and I plan to work on that this year. I think it starts with me embracing the girl I am and the woman I am becoming. I mean I don’t know… I just need to stop being the girl that replies “you too” when someone wishes me a happy birthday. I also never know what to do when I get a compliment, my heart beats really fast and I break out in a sweat and I immediately downplay whatever it is and change the topic as soon as I can. This isn’t healthy, I have learned that it is OK to take credit or smile and enjoy the moment when someone says something nice.
C.S. Lewis once said “some day you will be old enough to start reading fairytales again” and I love this quote because it encapsulates my hopes for the future. Now more than ever, classic fairytales are being adapted into movies to make them more “realistic” and “relatable” and to bring them back down to earth, which makes me a little sad to be honest. The incessant narrative and rhetoric around the realization that life isn’t a fairytale being the strongest indicator of growth and maturity and adolescence and adulthood is disheartening. I think more than anything else, this quote suggests that it takes age and life experience to begin to believe in magic and happy endings again. It often takes living an entire life worth of experiences to begin to believe in magic and fairy dust again. I think so many times, it is at the far end of one’s life that one realizes just how good they have had it, and just how magical the life they have had has been. So… more than anything, in this new year I want to look for the magic in the world and find a glimmer of it at least once every single day and hold on to it very tightly. I want to enjoy my victories, big and small, I want to celebrate my victories as they happen, I do not want to wait till the end. At every point, I want to be able to embrace and feel proud of whatever age I am and wherever I am in my life and my journey. I want to continue to have faith and believe that in the midst of my anxiety and uncertainty and in the midst of so much fear and darkness and hate and despair in the world, my life and my journey can be magical and beautiful and full of wonder.
In my mind, there is a massive difference between staying relevant/educating yourself about the status quo and being totally oblivious to a looming mid-life crisis/psychological breakdown. I get so frustrated by 40-something year old men who still sag their trousers or 40-something, 50-something year old African women who feel the need to fake a British accent to look cool. Like, hunty, you went to school in Nigeria and you built your entire life in Nigeria, what’s with the “oi, mate?”
I am reminded… a fair bit actually, that no one is as together as they may seem on social media and even if they are, they worked really really REALLY hard to get there and even if they have managed to reach a “good place,” or wear a convincing “smile” it does in no way, shape or form mean that their life isn’t hard or that they do not struggle or have difficult days or face challenges and obstacles. It is the internalizing and the processing part that I suck at. However, in the year of 23, I plan to take as many deep breaths and social media cleanses and have as many cries and glasses (maybe bottles of red wine) as is required to stop winding myself up. This may lead to a slow descent into alcoholism but we will cross that bridge when we get there, ok? One bloody thing at a time, my goodness.
I am probably the most emotional person I know. I constantly take things people say to me literally and personally, when they really aren’t and I am extremely, almost too sensitive to other people’s vibes and energies. I know that it is my duty to protect my energy and my happiness but I often fail myself in that area and that has to change. I have to begin to understand that being a sum total of all my life experiences does not justify choosing to be affected by every single one. I also need to be able to find a balance between taking advice and listening to myself and figuring out what it is, I do want. In year 23, I am going to look to me first for validation.
It would be awfully convenient to tell you that, in year 23, I will not be afraid but that is probably not going to happen. In life, things happen all of a sudden and the natural instinct is to be afraid but what I am not going to do, is operate in that fear. I am going to do is master the art of pulling myself back up if and when I get anxious or fearful or discouraged. I am going to teach myself to expect good things to happen because expecting good things to happen is not being oblivious to the thousand different ways something could go bad, it is choosing to focus your mind, your time and your energy on the one way it could go right.
I don’t think I am horrible person or anything but I’ve noticed over the last year or so, when I have gotten along with someone or a stranger has complimented me, I have HONESTLY been caught off guard. It's weird because I want people to like me, like I can bit of a people pleaser. Yet, I just automatically think “there are better, smarter, prettier girls than me” which I mean, there obviously are... but that's not the point. However, what I fail to revert back to is the fact that this in no way discredits my own unique beauty or talent. Being aware of the value you add or your amazing personality or your witty sense of humour, does not make you arrogant, it helps you to be confident. Thus, I will try to be less surprised.
Ok, so… if you have read my blog for a little while, you will know that I haven’t had the best luck with friendships. I mean, I have amazing friends but I have also had people treat me less than respectful. Thus, I have unconsciously gained this bias towards myself to where if I don’t get along with a person as soon as they are introduced to me, I automatically think it’s my fault and I’m being difficult. In year 23, I plan to remind myself that a person does not have to be horrible to have no place in my life and in nine out of ten cases, my instincts are spot on.
For the fifth year in a row. But no, I have to be serious now, those scissors sound REAL sharp Dad! Not to mention that our little friend Google has astutely pointed out that I need to figure some sort of cushion to fall back on and soon because we are getting closer and closer to that when dad and mum decide that I am no longer their financial responsibility. I feel it coming… so better get a move on.
I mean I’m almost 30, so my years of experimenting with fashion and being called “cool” or “alternative” and not “bat shit crazy” or an “agbaya” are numbered. I started on this a little bit but I want to do more and go even further. I feel like my style is all over the place, currently under construction. I mean I’m not doing horribly but I want to wear what I want and not care so much what other people think. I would also like to add a few more skirts to my wardrobe, I probably own maybe four skirts and I maybe wear one or two.
I should probably learn to cook…
...because I'm hopeless in the kitchen and to save money and to stop eating out so frequently, NOT as a badge of honour to shove in other girl’s faces or a thing to show boys (even though I should probably not get so defensive). I struggle to differentiate between boys.. and girls, who are asking if I cook just to get to know me better and those who are asking because they are self-hating, misogynistic pigs. I mean I would feel more comfortable if I was the one who brought up the whole “cooking thing” up in conversation but the fact is, someone has to and the fact that it is a guy asks shouldn’t be an instant red flag. I should give them a chance to say something stupid first, I should give them ample opportunity to get smart in the mouth… is all.
If you know me, then you know that I am THE most awkward girl on planet earth and I plan to work on that this year. I think it starts with me embracing the girl I am and the woman I am becoming. I mean I don’t know… I just need to stop being the girl that replies “you too” when someone wishes me a happy birthday. I also never know what to do when I get a compliment, my heart beats really fast and I break out in a sweat and I immediately downplay whatever it is and change the topic as soon as I can. This isn’t healthy, I have learned that it is OK to take credit or smile and enjoy the moment when someone says something nice.
C.S. Lewis once said “some day you will be old enough to start reading fairytales again” and I love this quote because it encapsulates my hopes for the future. Now more than ever, classic fairytales are being adapted into movies to make them more “realistic” and “relatable” and to bring them back down to earth, which makes me a little sad to be honest. The incessant narrative and rhetoric around the realization that life isn’t a fairytale being the strongest indicator of growth and maturity and adolescence and adulthood is disheartening. I think more than anything else, this quote suggests that it takes age and life experience to begin to believe in magic and happy endings again. It often takes living an entire life worth of experiences to begin to believe in magic and fairy dust again. I think so many times, it is at the far end of one’s life that one realizes just how good they have had it, and just how magical the life they have had has been. So… more than anything, in this new year I want to look for the magic in the world and find a glimmer of it at least once every single day and hold on to it very tightly. I want to enjoy my victories, big and small, I want to celebrate my victories as they happen, I do not want to wait till the end. At every point, I want to be able to embrace and feel proud of whatever age I am and wherever I am in my life and my journey. I want to continue to have faith and believe that in the midst of my anxiety and uncertainty and in the midst of so much fear and darkness and hate and despair in the world, my life and my journey can be magical and beautiful and full of wonder.
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