To Kindness and Friendship

Dear September,

This is the one where we talk about kindness and friendship. As you know, March is Women’s History Month, so the plan for the blog is to talk about different positive attributes and character traits, and the women in my life that exemplify these qualities. I don't know a lot of well-behaved women (and I love it) so please bare with me.

This week, its kindness and friendship, because my mother is the kindest soul I know and the best friend a girl can have. I’m going to try my best to not cry because ain’t nobody got that new laptop money! So, here it goes... this is what my mama taught me.

A couple of months ago, my friend Sinmi wrote an article where she openly discussed lessons she learned from books and in conversations and in life in general and it was incredible, so insightful and so full of wisdom. One of my favourite quotes from her piece was “Be kind, Bury that instinct to be any other way, and just be kind.” I liked it first of all because it reminded me of her, she is my best friend’s older sister, so I don’t see her very often, but when I do she is very direct, a sharp shooter, quite sarcastic but also very warm and welcoming; qualities I find refreshing. Admittedly, fluent sarcasm is not for everybody but it is very much for me. It is the same energy and authenticity that my mother embodies so well. I also identify with these words because they offset the consensus that we millennials seem to have; to be incredibly self-involved and act like being kind is sooooo difficult, because you know? we’re too busy trying to be great and somehow being nice makes you weak. It doesn’t, I agree with Kahlil Gibran when he says, “tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolutions.” Not every kindness can be donating a kidney because you only have two. I mean, these heroic acts are inspiring and important and noble, and this in no way diminishes that, but most times, something as simple to do as a smile, is enough. One act of kindness has the potential to shape your whole day and change your entire life.

The Oxford Dictionary defines kindness as the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate. Being friendly means treating everyone like your friend until they act otherwise, this means you cannot be even slightly judgmental or pick and choose who to be pleasant to. It is no more kindness when you decide who deserves it, that’s called nepotism and any halfwit can do that. Generosity is the cheerful willingness to give beyond what is expected of you. Consideration, more than a Rihanna and SZA song, is a mindfulness of one’s surroundings and a resolve to act in the interest of as many as doesn’t interfere with one’s personal well-being. And now being fully aware of the definition of kindness, I can confidently share that over the past couple of months, I have lived in my parents house and I have gotten to see just how KIND my mother is, you know? the good kind. She does it is so effortlessly that you begin to expect it and almost never stop to think and take stock and compare. This then begs the question of kindness being more of a lifestyle than a mere character trait, which seems like a whole other ballgame but it really isn’t. 

In her book, “5 Gifts to Give Yourself,” author Lori Hill talks about the gift of kindness, she says “give yourself some kindness today until you’re filled and pass it on.” Lori Hill recognizes that no matter how hard you try, you cannot give what you do not have. My mother is 50 years old and she looks about 25 and a half, because she takes care of herself. She constantly does what makes her soul happy, never at the expense of others though, so there is no guilt. She takes a two-hour morning walk at least four times a week, she does a honey, turmeric, milk and baking soda face mask two or three times a week, she gets a facial, massage and body scrub at least once every six weeks, she never holds a grudge, she minds her own business, she prays one hour every night and goes for about six different prayer meetings outside of church on Sunday and you wonder why she glistens and damn near floats when she walks by. 

My mother has taught me to appreciate who I am and not try to be someone else, consciously by constantly reminding me of my own greatness and unconsciously by living her best life. When I ask her, she equates her grace and authenticity and her comfortability in her own skin, to age and the wisdom that comes along with it. But no shade (ok maybe a little shade), there are older people who don’t have this glow and who haven’t made it to this place mentally. Maybe it is what Jason Scotts said, maybe it is that “when you show people kindness and respect, despite petty differences, you are bringing positive vibes into your life and into the lives of others.” My mother never shies away from necessary confrontation, but at the same times, she manages to never be hostile. She has no problem calling you out and telling you off because that is who she is. The difference is she tries her best to focus on the situation, she vocalizes her emotions without ever making it personal, which is very hard to do. I mean, she’s human (believe or not) so she sometimes has crazy road rage and in the heat of the moment, she may act out of character, but it balances out because she is never afraid to admit when she’s wrong. Her intentions are never to belittle anyone and to her, maintaining peace and positive vibes for herself and anyone involved is more important than who wins the argument. 

In conversations with other people and in navigating your relationships, there is a tendency to isolate our own actions and idealize the other people’s intentions. When we hit an awkward pause and in the presence of a little tension, we feel extremely uncomfortable and we assume responsibility and make it our life’s mission to make everyone happy, so everyone can move on as swiftly as possible. I hate confrontation and often I justify my decision to not speak up in uncomfortable situations, by convincing myself that keeping the peace is more important than whatever it is that I am feeling. The rhetoric around kindness is often tangled with that of forgiveness and rooted in emotional maturity, with the promise of being the bigger person. In that way, kindness can become an opium of sorts, more so than most other positive attributes, the feeling of instant gratification has the insane ability to cloud one’s judgment. So be kind from and with your heart, but bring your head along, but I know this too well because my mama already showed me how. The only thing to do know is to remember this in the moment, not twenty minutes after, when we are facing off or two hours later, when the bliss of winning the argument has already turned to crippling guilt.