Lest you ever get self-satisfied

Dear September,

This is not that. 

This is not the blog you find on the internet that helps you feel better and justified in saying or doing something horrible to someone who did not deserve it. If you did something wrong, apologize, have an honest conversation about it and move on. Accept the gift of forgiveness graciously and give yourself the same gift.

This is in fact the one where I tell you that it is alright to not be perfect, in fact... (and brace yourself for this one),... no one is. This is probably the first step to actually really getting rid of this kind of guilt. 

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines guilt as a feeling of responsibility for a crime or for doing something bad or wrong. This particular definition is relevant because it captures the irony in the fact that a lot of the time people feel guilty not for what they do but for what they fail to do. People also often feel guilty for doing things that they think are bad but are actually good. I think that before we can figure out how to get rid of the burden of guilt, we have to talk about what causes guilt in the first place. So, after thinking about it and having a few conversations and doing some research, here are few reasons that probably sound a bit familiar.

Spending money on yourself 

This is me, this is one hundred percent me.

Spending money on yourself can often feel like a poor and irresponsible choice, especially if you are a student like me and you have to live on a budget. Every time you spend money on something you want rather than something you need, you tend to feel like you could be doing something more useful. And I won't sugarcoat things, that is absolutely right. However, I truly believe that you only live once and life is meant to be enjoyed to the fullest. I mean, it goes without saying that you should not be living above your means, going on shopping sprees every other week but you also should not deny yourself a few nice things once in a while. Life is all about balance, once you figure out what works for you and what can be sustained, then you are fine.

You work hard, you study hard, you should give yourself a break every now and then. Enjoying your life and doing things that make you happy, does not make you any less of an adult, I promise.

Taking some time for yourself 

Now, this is a tricky one.

Sometimes I just want to be left alone in my room and I often feel guilty for it. I feel like wanting to be alone is rude, and maybe even selfish. Wanting to be alone often makes me feel like I do not appreciate my family and friends and it is genuinely something I struggle with. However, in these moments I remind myself that it is important to invest just as much time and effort into building myself as I do into building my relationships with other people.

Having time alone has given me a kind of clarity, a chance to really listen and discover who I am. This has inevitably translated into me becoming quite selective when it comes to friendship. I have begun to attract people who truly add value to my life and people who I truly enjoy being around. The relationships I have now are quite honest and have blossomed quite naturally. 

But again, we have to talk about balance. There is a huge difference between taking some time for yourself and taking advantage of the people in your life. There is a huge difference between actually needing to be alone and being too selfish to make an effort with another person. It's perfectly alright to not want to hang out with someone but if it is a relationship you want to keep, you have to be willing to show some sort of effort. Guilt only creeps in when you can't be bothered to put the effort in and you know it's selfish and maybe they notice too and call you out on it. 

Letting your parents down 

Again, this is me. I put so much pressure on myself to live up to what I think my parents expect of me. In terms of getting the best grades possible and investing time in things I think I have a future in. The weird thing is the pressure I put on myself comes mostly from me and not them. I mean I know that they expect me to do my best and that’s fair, but they also want me to do it for me not for them and I constantly have to remind myself of that. 

Also a good thing to keep in mind is the fact that, believe or not, your parents were once your age, so they do not expect you to have every single detail of your life figured out when you are 21. It can make all the difference once you realize that wanting to appear perfect to your parents pretty much defeats the purpose of having them in the first place.

I'll be the first to admit that it can be quite difficult to admit to your parents that you are struggling or you are finding something in your life quite difficult but once you do, you get a sense of peace that you can't get anywhere else. Plus, they often throw in food or money, so I mean...

Saying no

No is a perfectly understandable and valid response. What the other person does with the answer is not on you, it is none of your business, it is totally and completely on them. Sometimes you need to draw lines and establish boundaries. Saying no prevents you from taking on too much. Saying no prevents you from feeling overwhelmed. Say no helps you stay sane. 

A lot of the time, the people who cannot respect you when you say no, are people who have always taken advantage of you and never respected you to begin with. The relationship you have with anyone who does not take well to you saying no, has reached such a toxic point that they now feel entitled to your time, money and resources, which is ridiculous and insulting and completely unacceptable.

Saying no is a clear indication that you are a mature and responsible adult who knows their limits. When you say no, you put yourself first, which you need to do because no one else will. Saying no to someone else often means saying yes to yourself. Saying no can signify you taking back control of your life. When you say no, you may not gain popularity but you gain respect.

Standing up for yourself 

In the past year or so, I have learned to not be a push over. I have learned that it is not inherently impolite to stand up for yourself. I have found my voice and learned how to use it. I’ll admit that this has not been the most convenient discovery, there have been uncomfortable conversations, and confrontation and awkward pauses but I can tell you that it has honestly been worth it. I am beginning to respect myself and everyone in my life seems to be following suit.

I say "everyone in my life" because I have reached a place where if you disrespect me, then there is no space for you in my life, plain and simple. And just to clarify, this is not being a diva or being difficult or being high maintenance. I literally just demand the same respect I give myself from others, and I'll tell you this much, it can't be that difficult because I am quite happy with the people in my life, I don't feel like I'm missing anyone, I feel content. 

Standing up for myself now comes quite naturally to me but it has not always been this way. In the past, I have felt guilty and like I could have handled certain situations differently. However, I have also learned that when someone says something disrespectful, I would be doing myself a disservice if I don't call them out on it. More than that, keeping quiet is a loud and clear statement that I am fine with what they have said and they can continue to speak to me in that way. 

I mean, there is no need to be rude or hurl insults at anyone, because there is always a way to convey your distaste and dissatisfaction in a concise and articulate 

manner. Sometimes, you may need to take a day or two to reflect but it is imperative that you address the situation and be confident that you deserve at least some closure. 

Not being perfect 

You are not perfect, never have been and never will be. We live in a society that is obsessed with perfection but based on the fact that it is unattainable, this obsession is at best, misguided and misplaced. 

            The notion of beauty that social media endorses is blonde and has a skinny waist and big hips and long straight hair and looks like Kim Kardashian. Well, hate to break it to ya, but ain't no way that's happening when you black and you have wooly hair and acne and stretch marks. This in no way means that you aren't beautiful or you aren't magic, it just means that you are also a real person with real flaws who is living life and not trying to fight it with plastic surgery and filters.

Social media says that you should feel less when you have stretch marks, and scars and a flabby stomach and it is a complete lie. I know it sounds cliché, but embrace your own version of beauty. I’m not even saying this for some noble and just reason, I'm saying this because trying to be someone that you are not is mentally draining and exhausting and confusing and just not worth it, to be honest. 

Grief 

Unfortunately, guilt is an inevitable component of grief. When you lose someone you love, there is always going to be the "shoulda, woulda, couldas.” The "if only I had a bit more time". It usually starts out as a coping mechanism, a way to reassure yourself that you are not responsible for the excruciating pain you feel. However, since there is no way to feel like you did all you could, it quickly becomes an overwhelming and drowning feeling of guilt. 

It is this type of guilt you feel when you get a test back and you get a grade that is less than what you were expecting. Granted, this is a much more dilute form of it but it is quite similar. You think, I could have said this or done that or I could have studied more or I could have practiced more or if I had more time. 

            As a person who has spent time on the "shoulda, woulda, couldas", I am asking you to trust me when I say it does absolutely nothing for you. It worsens your pain and stretches out your healing process. I know that you never quite get over it, but blaming yourself makes the misery a thousand times worse. Sometimes, you need to tell yourself out loud that there is nothing you could have done to change the circumstances or just promise yourself to do better next time. There is no need to play the blame game. The only way the pain is going to become more bearable is if you feel it. Yes, it is as unfair as it sounds but it is what it is. 

Another thing is, you are not a chicken or a wuss or soft or weak for feeling the way you do. If you need to take some time off, then do that. You are only weak and cowardly when you choose to not deal with your feelings. No one can ever fault you for the way you choose to handle your grief because there is no right way to do it. There is just doing what you can and taking each day as it comes, doing what feels right and authentic to you. 

            So, September…

            Guilt is a tricky one. I thought I should address it because I feel like it is one of those issues that everyone deals with in some capacity but no one dares to talk about. Guilt is never black and white, it is pretty constant and present at every stage of life you go through but how you choose to deal with it does change as you grow and evolve.  Kathy Kruger once said “Guilt is a signal that you are striving to be better, and unless you’re doing that, you’re not good enough, or at least acknowledging all the ways that you aren’t perfect. Apparently! There’s always room for improvement, and guilt is the electric prod to remind you, lest you ever get self-satisfied.”

                                                                                                                                                 Love,

                                                                                                                                                         Nini

The Art of Keeping up with yesterday

Dear September,

          This is the one where I tell you to do as I say not as I do. Hi, my name is Nini and I am a recovering procrastinator. Don Marquis once said "procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday". This quote puts procrastination very beautifully because it captures the fact that you cannot look back and look forward at the same time. Procrastination is essentially you standing in your own way and preventing yourself from moving forward.

           I still struggle with procrastination but I've gotten much better so I hope this helps. Before we talk about how to stop procrastinating, I think it is important to get to the root of the problem and talk about why one might procrastinate in the first place.

            By reading and doing a bit of research, I have learned that procrastination is an emotional response to whatever it is you are avoiding. Procrastination is nothing more than a coping mechanism. Many people procrastinate to hide how scared and overwhelmed they feel. People procrastinate to make themselves happy, that is until they have to study three months of material in one night.

            The second reason why people procrastinate is because our brains are wired to think of the present and the future as two separate entities. Therefore, we have the tendency to prioritize our present happiness and sacrifice our future happiness for it, even though this is completely irrational. If we are going to stop procrastinating, we are going to have to make efforts to connect our present actions to future outcomes. That being said, here are a few different approaches you can take to connect your present feelings to future outcomes.

Make to do lists 

            When you wake up every morning or maybe even the night before, make a list of things you absolutely have to accomplish that day. Going through your day and checking off the boxes, gives you a sense of accomplishment and makes you want to do more. Re-evaluate your list half way through the day to ensure that your priorities are checked off before the less important things. Make the first thing on your list ridiculously easy, this will make you feel less overwhelmed and give you the motivation to get started.

Realize the fertility of sacrifice

            Convince your present self to care about your future self. Focus on the bigger picture, what it is that you are hoping to achieve by getting those tasks accomplished. For example, when I have work to do, study for an exam or get a paper done, I focus on the fact that I need a good grade for that class in order to graduate with Honors which will lead to a sexy job. It’s easy to see only the giant list of things to do, rather than the anxiety-free feeling of accomplishment at having finished them. Part of becoming an adult is learning to sacrifice and do what you need to know rather than what is fun and what you want to do.

Do stuff that you are passionate about

            First, let us move on from the fact that I used the word “stuff” and talk about the fact that what you are passionate about is not always the same thing as what you enjoy doing. Sometimes you need to work a 9 to 5 job or go to school to lay a solid foundation that will then allow you to pursue what you are truly passionate about. For example, if financial security and independence is important to you, and a 9 to 5 or school will help you get there, you need to put that effort in and be passionate about that. Keeping in mind, how instrumental it will be in you achieving your long-term goal.

            It is also important to mention here that working a 9 to 5 or going to school should not stop you pursuing your dreams. It is all just a balancing act, you have to learn how to allocate your time efficiently. This can be very tricky but once it is done, it can make all the difference.

Do one task at a time

            Many times I tend to procrastinate when I feel overwhelmed by all the work I have to do, however when I focus all my attention on one thing, that overwhelming feeling goes away. Although it seems like multitasking is doing more work in a small amount of time, multi-taskers are often inefficient and end up doing much less work. Invest in quality not quantity. And I know this may sound counterintuitive but doing every task to the best of your ability prevents you from having to go back and start all over again because you made mistakes.

Surround yourself with doers

            The people you choose to surround yourself with can make all the difference in the world. Surround yourself with people who set goals for themselves and get them done because it will most likely rub off on you. The people you choose to spend time with influence your actions and behaviors. Identify the people/friends/colleagues who trigger you – most likely the go-getters and hard workers – and make an effort to hang out with them more often. As a blogger who runs an advice column for the modern girl, I make efforts to hang out with and communicate with the people in my life who I believe are personal development experts. Surround yourself with people who add value, people you can ask for help and advice and people you can learn from. I also make sure to surround myself with people who I enjoy hanging out with but who also have their own goals so we can act as a support system for each other and hold each other accountable.

Turn off all digital distractions

            Instagram is literally the devil when you are trying to get work done. It is just better to be honest and turn your phone off. Social media helps you keep up with what everyone else is doing and makes you lose sight of what you should be doing.  It has also reached the stage where many times when we do work and we get stuck, the impulse is to Google not communicate with a human being.

The internet is slowly diminishing and belittling the need for human interaction and that is a crying shame. Do not misunderstand what I am saying, I love social media, I mean I am a blogger. I just think that social media and the internet should not take the place of people. Plus, a lot of the time, we start out searching for information on the internet but we quickly get distracted by a twitter or Instgram notification and that’s thirty minutes we could have been using for more valuable things.  

Get a mentor if you don't have one 

            A friend will feel pressure to sugarcoat the truth and be nice to you, a mentor will not. A mentor is a person who has achieved the things you hope to achieve and they are more knowledgeable than you are. A mentor is a person who will hold you accountable and responsible for your choices. A mentor can act as a voice of reasoning. A mentor is wise and they have developed a relationship with you to where they know under what circumstances to give you tough love and what ones to use a softer approach. They are just as invested in your progress as you are.

            So, September remember that you cannot look back and look forward at the same time. Take the time to figure out why you procrastinate because this is the first step to fixing the problem. Also, realize that you cannot fix a lifetime of procrastination by reading one article on how to deal with procrastination. It will be a process, so be sure to be patient and forgive yourself when you slip up because you definitely will. As always, I am rooting for you and me both.

                                                                                                                                  All my love,

                                                                                                                                                    Nini

           

Trick - or - Treat

Dear September,

            This is the one where we talk about trick-or-treating. For those who don’t know, trick-or-treating is a Halloween custom for children in many countries. Children in costumes travel from house to house asking for treats such as candy with the phrase “trick or treat”. The “trick” is a (usually idle) threat to perform mischief on the homeowners or their property if no treat is given to them.

            September, I think that trick-or-treating is an enviable philosophy and perspective to have on life and pursuing your dreams. Having studied Employment Relations for the past four years, I have learned what employers look for in potential employees and these character traits are weirdly similar to the ones children dressed in costumes, who go trick-or-treating on Halloween possess. To make things easier, I will list the qualities that are evident in the children and explain how they are desirable to a potential employer.

Start early

            Trick-or treating can start for some children as early as three years old.  If I have learned anything in applying for jobs or following my dreams, it is that, it is never too early to begin. It is important to know that you don’t have to have everything an employer is looking for to apply. Starting early gives you the advantage of priority because there is such a thing as primacy effect or primacy bias. This is the tendency of employers to compare the entire talent pool to the first applicant or the first group of applicants. Plus, even if you do not get the job or reach your goal, at the very least you gain exposure and traction and that is not a bad thing. On Halloween night, the kids who start early are the ones who get the best candy and the most candy and the most choice.

            At the interview stage, going early tells the interviewer a lot about the kind of person you are, outside of your impressive resumé and cover letter. It tells them that you have mastered time-management and self-management and you have superior organizational skills and you are dependable. It is a good look, I’ll tell you that much.

Ask for help

Being that trick-or-treating is an activity for young children, they need help from their parents and guardians to pull it off. They need help figuring out what kind of costume to wear, and because it goes till dark, they need their parents to chaperone. The same thing can be said for candidates who are applying for a job. It is their responsibility to ask for help, even if it is as minor as just having a second set of eyes review your application before they submit it.

It is the also the job of the applicants to leverage the connections they have made through networking. If as an applicant, you have a contact within the company or someone who has gotten far in the application process, it makes sense to ask them for advice on how they made it that far. When you ask questions to people who currently work at an organization you are applying to, you foster conversation and strengthen the relationship to where you establish a trust and an alliance. This person can now act as an advocate for you. Asking questions also prevents you from making mistakes and this can save you a lot of time in the process.

Confident

            Children who trick-or-treat are confident. They usually choose outgoing costumes and hope to make a loud statement. Children who trick-or-treat cannot be bothered to compare themselves to others. When children are confident, the neighbours become more forthcoming and willing to hand out treats. A confident child like a confident potential employee is convincing. They don’t doubt themselves, which makes it difficult for the employers to doubt them.

            Confidence on both Halloween night and in an interview situation is not “I hope they like me,” it is “I will be fine if they don’t.” A confident person has a very good poker face, they know what they bring to the table so they are not afraid to eat alone. Confidence early in your career almost always creates opportunity for upward mobility at work. I think it is important to dress as someone you know well at Halloween or go into a career that you know very well; one you can carry a fluid conversation about. It helps when you answer to why you want a job or why you chose to dress as a superhero is not “because I think it is cool.”

Patience and Perseverance

            First, I have learned that patience and perseverance are not the sane thing.  Patience is the ability to remain calm and not become annoyed when waiting for a long time or when dealing with problems or difficult people.  Perseverance is the quality that allows someone to continue in a course of action even though it is difficult.

            In an interview setting, you are probably not going to be the first person the employers speak with. It is left to you to stay calm and collect your thoughts in the time that you wait. Patience is an important character trait to have when applying for a job and it is still important if or when you get the job. If it is a team member with a nasty attitude, patience will allow you to acknowledge their input without getting offended and welled up about the negativity that accompanies it.

Perseverance is more important when you are applying for a job. Having experienced this personally, looking for a job can be an extremely frustrating process. My advice will be to stay rationally optimistic and embrace your setbacks. Stay rationally optimistic by reminding yourself of your end goal, and reminding yourself that you never know exactly how you will get there, so it is important to stay open-minded and willing to adapt. In terms of embracing your setbacks, I honestly cannot count how many times I have had to tweak my cover letter format and re-organize my resumé, it just kind of comes with the territory. Every job application that you don’t get a call back for is an opportunity to learn and do something differently. It is also good to keep in mind that sometimes you can be the juiciest, reddest apple on the tree but employers could be prefer a peach or a cranberry.

Intransigence

            Yes, September, I know I’m pulling out the big words. Intransigence is basically the quality of being unwilling to compromise. Intransigence is at the very core and essence of trick-or-treating. Right off the bat, the kids give the neighbours an ultimatum and in most cases, it proves quite effective. The kids who also don’t compromise on their outfits end up with the most candy at the end of the night.

            Granted, the role of intransigence in the employment process is not as aggressive, but it is definitely just as important. The role of intransigence in the employment process or in the pursuit of your dreams is ironically to give you freedom, freedom to dream without inhibition and doubt. It is natural to want to only go for jobs that you are qualified for and dream dreams that you feel equipped to achieve but that leaves no room for your potential and the magic you possess.

            Dream big and believe that you can achieve what it is that is your dream. The first step to any dream coming true is daring to dream it. You are entitled to your dreams for the future, don’t let anyone tell you any different. I recently had a coffee meeting at a very large financial services firm with a hiring executive and it was intimidating, like crippling almost, but I did it because I feel like these are the kinds of steps I need to take to get to where I want to be.

Diligence

            Diligence is a tireless work ethic that perseveres. Diligence is careful and persistent work and effort. On Halloween night, diligence is doing research on who you want to dress as. Ensuring that you dress to impress and that your outfit is thorough, meticulous and deliberate. The same principle applies when deciding what to wear for an interview. You might as well put in the effort, because whether you do or not, people are going to make judgments and assumptions about your character based on what you wear. With respect to what to wear to an interview, my advice would be to dress how you would if you already had the job that you are applying for in that organization.

            The kids who go trick-or-treating at Halloween knock on every door on the street regardless of the house looks. The same should apply to us when you are looking for a job and/or pursuing your dreams. Never put all your eggs in one basket because you never know where help could come from. There is also not one human being that has just one thing that they are good at. Therefore, it is imperative that you invest time and effort and resources into multiple things you think you can be successful at.

Besides, one’s personal life and professional life are constantly intersecting and the lines are constantly blurred. An interview is usually set up to help employers get a feel for who a person is outside of their accolades and educational and professional strides. Nowadays, interviewers are asking potential employees unconventional questions like “If you could have a superpower, what would it be and why?” or “what would you dress up as for Halloween and why?.” Because many people spend so much time trying to be who the employers want them to be, they forget to be who they are, in which case such questions can be quite daunting. It is also good to point out that, interviewers can tell when a person is being honest and when a person is being plastic and just saying what they think employers want to hear. Needless to say, it is important to not forget who you are and not get too swept up in who you think you need to be.

Humility

            When kids go trick-or-treating, they go with a bucket or a bowl to get as many sweets as possible from the neighbours. In the same way, remember that an interview is still a conversation and there will be ample opportunity to gain information that probably goes beyond what is available on the company website. In an interview setting, being open-minded and willing to learn may be what separates you from the next applicant. If you are like me, in your final year of university and/or applying for entry-level positions, then regardless of your experience and qualifications, the role will involve an extensive level of training. Being open and willing to receive the information offered during the interview, shows that you have a teachable spirit and this quality is always welcomed by employers. If an employer takes the time to give you information and teach you, it could mean that they see you in the company long term and they are willing to make opportunities for upward mobility within the company available to you.

Optimism

            I think the most important things you can learn from a child who goes out trick-or-treating on the night of Halloween is their innocence and optimism. When a child dresses up and goes out trick-or-treating, they believe that they will get lots of candy by the end of the night. They don’t think of other people’s costumes or getting scared on the way. They are wide-eyed and hopeful that in the end, the outcome will be favourable to them.

            This is also a great perspective to have on an interview. Do your absolute best and put your best foot forward, but also see it as a learning opportunity and chance to get your foot in the door and make the right connections. See it is as a means to an end rather than an end in itself. There is always going to be someone with a better costume at Halloween, and better grades and more relevant experience and prettier hair, stressing about it will do absolutely nothing. So, my advise to you will be to focus all your attention on yourself and think only positive thoughts. Believe that you are a bright star and if the employers can’t see that then it’s their loss.

            So, September, this is as Halloween-y as I am going to get. I know this was an unusually long ramble but hopefully, it was worth it. It is ironic that one of the darkest nights of the year can be so enlightening. Irrespective of whether you accept it or not, we are all different and nothing can change that. Copy and paste does not work in real life. The best thing you can do is harness your experiences and channel them to serve as guides on your journey to success. I’m rooting for you and me both.

                                                                                                            All my love,

                                                                                                                                    Nini