Lest you ever get self-satisfied

Dear September,

This is not that. 

This is not the blog you find on the internet that helps you feel better and justified in saying or doing something horrible to someone who did not deserve it. If you did something wrong, apologize, have an honest conversation about it and move on. Accept the gift of forgiveness graciously and give yourself the same gift.

This is in fact the one where I tell you that it is alright to not be perfect, in fact... (and brace yourself for this one),... no one is. This is probably the first step to actually really getting rid of this kind of guilt. 

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines guilt as a feeling of responsibility for a crime or for doing something bad or wrong. This particular definition is relevant because it captures the irony in the fact that a lot of the time people feel guilty not for what they do but for what they fail to do. People also often feel guilty for doing things that they think are bad but are actually good. I think that before we can figure out how to get rid of the burden of guilt, we have to talk about what causes guilt in the first place. So, after thinking about it and having a few conversations and doing some research, here are few reasons that probably sound a bit familiar.

Spending money on yourself 

This is me, this is one hundred percent me.

Spending money on yourself can often feel like a poor and irresponsible choice, especially if you are a student like me and you have to live on a budget. Every time you spend money on something you want rather than something you need, you tend to feel like you could be doing something more useful. And I won't sugarcoat things, that is absolutely right. However, I truly believe that you only live once and life is meant to be enjoyed to the fullest. I mean, it goes without saying that you should not be living above your means, going on shopping sprees every other week but you also should not deny yourself a few nice things once in a while. Life is all about balance, once you figure out what works for you and what can be sustained, then you are fine.

You work hard, you study hard, you should give yourself a break every now and then. Enjoying your life and doing things that make you happy, does not make you any less of an adult, I promise.

Taking some time for yourself 

Now, this is a tricky one.

Sometimes I just want to be left alone in my room and I often feel guilty for it. I feel like wanting to be alone is rude, and maybe even selfish. Wanting to be alone often makes me feel like I do not appreciate my family and friends and it is genuinely something I struggle with. However, in these moments I remind myself that it is important to invest just as much time and effort into building myself as I do into building my relationships with other people.

Having time alone has given me a kind of clarity, a chance to really listen and discover who I am. This has inevitably translated into me becoming quite selective when it comes to friendship. I have begun to attract people who truly add value to my life and people who I truly enjoy being around. The relationships I have now are quite honest and have blossomed quite naturally. 

But again, we have to talk about balance. There is a huge difference between taking some time for yourself and taking advantage of the people in your life. There is a huge difference between actually needing to be alone and being too selfish to make an effort with another person. It's perfectly alright to not want to hang out with someone but if it is a relationship you want to keep, you have to be willing to show some sort of effort. Guilt only creeps in when you can't be bothered to put the effort in and you know it's selfish and maybe they notice too and call you out on it. 

Letting your parents down 

Again, this is me. I put so much pressure on myself to live up to what I think my parents expect of me. In terms of getting the best grades possible and investing time in things I think I have a future in. The weird thing is the pressure I put on myself comes mostly from me and not them. I mean I know that they expect me to do my best and that’s fair, but they also want me to do it for me not for them and I constantly have to remind myself of that. 

Also a good thing to keep in mind is the fact that, believe or not, your parents were once your age, so they do not expect you to have every single detail of your life figured out when you are 21. It can make all the difference once you realize that wanting to appear perfect to your parents pretty much defeats the purpose of having them in the first place.

I'll be the first to admit that it can be quite difficult to admit to your parents that you are struggling or you are finding something in your life quite difficult but once you do, you get a sense of peace that you can't get anywhere else. Plus, they often throw in food or money, so I mean...

Saying no

No is a perfectly understandable and valid response. What the other person does with the answer is not on you, it is none of your business, it is totally and completely on them. Sometimes you need to draw lines and establish boundaries. Saying no prevents you from taking on too much. Saying no prevents you from feeling overwhelmed. Say no helps you stay sane. 

A lot of the time, the people who cannot respect you when you say no, are people who have always taken advantage of you and never respected you to begin with. The relationship you have with anyone who does not take well to you saying no, has reached such a toxic point that they now feel entitled to your time, money and resources, which is ridiculous and insulting and completely unacceptable.

Saying no is a clear indication that you are a mature and responsible adult who knows their limits. When you say no, you put yourself first, which you need to do because no one else will. Saying no to someone else often means saying yes to yourself. Saying no can signify you taking back control of your life. When you say no, you may not gain popularity but you gain respect.

Standing up for yourself 

In the past year or so, I have learned to not be a push over. I have learned that it is not inherently impolite to stand up for yourself. I have found my voice and learned how to use it. I’ll admit that this has not been the most convenient discovery, there have been uncomfortable conversations, and confrontation and awkward pauses but I can tell you that it has honestly been worth it. I am beginning to respect myself and everyone in my life seems to be following suit.

I say "everyone in my life" because I have reached a place where if you disrespect me, then there is no space for you in my life, plain and simple. And just to clarify, this is not being a diva or being difficult or being high maintenance. I literally just demand the same respect I give myself from others, and I'll tell you this much, it can't be that difficult because I am quite happy with the people in my life, I don't feel like I'm missing anyone, I feel content. 

Standing up for myself now comes quite naturally to me but it has not always been this way. In the past, I have felt guilty and like I could have handled certain situations differently. However, I have also learned that when someone says something disrespectful, I would be doing myself a disservice if I don't call them out on it. More than that, keeping quiet is a loud and clear statement that I am fine with what they have said and they can continue to speak to me in that way. 

I mean, there is no need to be rude or hurl insults at anyone, because there is always a way to convey your distaste and dissatisfaction in a concise and articulate 

manner. Sometimes, you may need to take a day or two to reflect but it is imperative that you address the situation and be confident that you deserve at least some closure. 

Not being perfect 

You are not perfect, never have been and never will be. We live in a society that is obsessed with perfection but based on the fact that it is unattainable, this obsession is at best, misguided and misplaced. 

            The notion of beauty that social media endorses is blonde and has a skinny waist and big hips and long straight hair and looks like Kim Kardashian. Well, hate to break it to ya, but ain't no way that's happening when you black and you have wooly hair and acne and stretch marks. This in no way means that you aren't beautiful or you aren't magic, it just means that you are also a real person with real flaws who is living life and not trying to fight it with plastic surgery and filters.

Social media says that you should feel less when you have stretch marks, and scars and a flabby stomach and it is a complete lie. I know it sounds cliché, but embrace your own version of beauty. I’m not even saying this for some noble and just reason, I'm saying this because trying to be someone that you are not is mentally draining and exhausting and confusing and just not worth it, to be honest. 

Grief 

Unfortunately, guilt is an inevitable component of grief. When you lose someone you love, there is always going to be the "shoulda, woulda, couldas.” The "if only I had a bit more time". It usually starts out as a coping mechanism, a way to reassure yourself that you are not responsible for the excruciating pain you feel. However, since there is no way to feel like you did all you could, it quickly becomes an overwhelming and drowning feeling of guilt. 

It is this type of guilt you feel when you get a test back and you get a grade that is less than what you were expecting. Granted, this is a much more dilute form of it but it is quite similar. You think, I could have said this or done that or I could have studied more or I could have practiced more or if I had more time. 

            As a person who has spent time on the "shoulda, woulda, couldas", I am asking you to trust me when I say it does absolutely nothing for you. It worsens your pain and stretches out your healing process. I know that you never quite get over it, but blaming yourself makes the misery a thousand times worse. Sometimes, you need to tell yourself out loud that there is nothing you could have done to change the circumstances or just promise yourself to do better next time. There is no need to play the blame game. The only way the pain is going to become more bearable is if you feel it. Yes, it is as unfair as it sounds but it is what it is. 

Another thing is, you are not a chicken or a wuss or soft or weak for feeling the way you do. If you need to take some time off, then do that. You are only weak and cowardly when you choose to not deal with your feelings. No one can ever fault you for the way you choose to handle your grief because there is no right way to do it. There is just doing what you can and taking each day as it comes, doing what feels right and authentic to you. 

            So, September…

            Guilt is a tricky one. I thought I should address it because I feel like it is one of those issues that everyone deals with in some capacity but no one dares to talk about. Guilt is never black and white, it is pretty constant and present at every stage of life you go through but how you choose to deal with it does change as you grow and evolve.  Kathy Kruger once said “Guilt is a signal that you are striving to be better, and unless you’re doing that, you’re not good enough, or at least acknowledging all the ways that you aren’t perfect. Apparently! There’s always room for improvement, and guilt is the electric prod to remind you, lest you ever get self-satisfied.”

                                                                                                                                                 Love,

                                                                                                                                                         Nini