How to ward off bullshit

      This one will be colourful… just thought I’d give you a heads up. Anaïs Nin was on to something when she said, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” I think this basically means that it is not possible to have the same relationship or friendship with two different people. Each friend represents a world that is totally new and yet to be explored by you. It is now left to you to let your gut and intuition guide you organically and help you ward off the bullshit on that journey. Sometimes, there is so much fuss and drama and stress that the journey itself is not worth continuing and that’s ok. I think that the most toxic relationships and friendships are elongated and forced out of a sense of obligation, often an obligation to everyone but you. So first, I agree with Jaydip Kansas when he says “No matter what anyone says to you, you don’t have to have dinner with them, live with them or go to bed with them.” This basically means that you are an adult and you should not do anything you do not want to do. Following your gut is not selfish or self-centred, it is sometimes necessary for your own peace of mind.
I know that getting to this headspace isn't easy, I mean.. friendship has always been something I have struggled with. However, I feel like as I learn more about myself, I begin to attract the right kind of people and this has made getting rid of the wrong people a little more doable. This past weekend, I attended an artsy fartsy event where one of the speakers said “when one begins to discover who they are, they simultaneously attract an appropriate support system” and while this is very well said, and accurate in a lot of cases, a little intuition is also helpful. I say this because, with discovering exactly who you are, often comes exposure and recognition, thus it can become difficult to differentiate between who is attracted to who you are and who is attracted to what you have. So, here’s what I wish I knew a few years or even a couple of months ago about “friends”.
A wise man, scratch that, a wise person (feminist and all) once said “when a person shows you who they are, believe them”. So, the most obvious red flag I think is that a toxic friend offers you spiteful criticism and quite often too. When a person starts a conversation with something like “no offence but..” best believe that you will be offended by the end. This is because such conversations come from a place of envy or jealousy, a place that cannot be happy for your own successes and victories. In such conversations, the other person is looking to discredit you, belittle your achievements and lift themselves up by pushing you down and this should be unacceptable to you.
A toxic friend is a freeloader, cheap and “forgetful.” We all have or have had that one friend that is always “busy” or “really broke” around your birthday. The one who puts a post up on Instagram before they call you or text you, yeah that one. A toxic friend helps themselves to your time, money and resources and are totally unwilling to return the favour. A toxic friend always has to be the queen of the castle at all times. A toxic friend has to have all the attention on them at all times. They are not trying to hear what is going in your own life and they except you to be fine with that. They only call you to gossip or to complain because as far they know, they are the only ones who have a life. They always bring drama that is conveniently, never their fault and they always want you to pick their side, regardless of the way you feel or who is right. When you argue with them or call them out, they find a way to turn it around and blame you. They have no problem pressuring you into doing things that you are not comfortable with. By now, a few faces should have popped up in your head, so here’s how I warded off the bullshit, whether or not that included the entire friendship - *didn’t I tell you that I was a savage* (Dad, that’s a song).

      Stop ignoring the red flags. In order to see red flags, you have to have set standards and values that are important to you in a friendship. I’ll give you an example, I used to be friends with this girl, let’s call her Ashley. Once, Ashley stayed over at my apartment and when I woke up in the morning, I overheard her say to someone on the phone “Be quiet, let me speak”. So I thought to myself, she is obviously speaking to her boyfriend or one of her other friends and that’s none of my business. A couple of seconds after and in a much more aggressive tone, I heard “Be quiet Mum, I am speaking”… Now, while this may not be a red flag for you, it definitely was one for me. Of course, at the time, I made excuses for her, I said to myself “Not everyone can have the kind of relationship you have with your mother with their own mother”,”It’s none of my business”. And I mean, this is true, her relationship with her mother IS none of my business, however being disrespectful to your mother is not acceptable to me in any context. So, I should have at least had a conversation about it but I didn't because I was scared to lose the friendship, which is another very common pitfall.
      Like most worthwhile courses of actions, having a truly honest conversation is much more difficult than it sounds. Well… at least it is for me. However, it is incredibly important to have these difficult conversations to maintain or restore your personal peace. To initiate and power through these conversations, you have to remind yourself that in that moment, your inner peace is more important than the feelings of the other person, which if you are being totally honest, you cannot control in the first place. You have to remind yourself and them that your decision to call them out or end the friendship is not coming from a spiteful or vindictive place. It does not mean you think they are a bad person, it just means that their energy and vibe is not conducive to your peace. In fact, these conversations go much smoother when you are willing to admit to your own faults. It does take two to tango and to be fair, your “friend” is not wrong to assume that there was no issue prior to having this conversation. But at the same time, you are saying something now and rightfully so, because as an adult, it is your duty to control the energies around you. I guess what I am trying to say here is that it is all about meeting them halfway and finding that sweet spot between being sensitive to your own faults and being brutally honest about theirs.
      Powering through and expressing your feelings is on you, their reaction to whatever it is you have to say however, is not on you in a way. After the conversation and after you have given them the chance to offer their perspective, the onus shifts back to you. You then have to decide if you are willing to fight for the relationship or if you need to end it. If you are going to continue a friendship and build that trust back up, you have to be willing to let it go. Now this might give you the impression that forgiveness is contingent on you wanting to continue to have a friendship. However, it is not. Forgiveness should not be negotiable because it is imperative if you are going to ward off the anger and bitterness and anxiety that the relationship has caused. Forgiveness is all about perspective. Forgiveness is only difficult when you see it is as a favour to a person who has offended you as opposed to a thing you do for yourself. When you choose to forgive a person who has offended you, you agree to let it go… forever and ever, never to be brought up again, which is a good thing for you as well, if you really think about it. If you find that, you struggle to let your anger go and move on, then end the friendship respectfully. There is no point stringing the other person along and putting on a smile when you are dying on the inside and their level of oxygen intake is annoying you. Now I know all this sounds all adult-like, civil and noble and drama free and in actual fact, things can be a lot messier. But make no mistake, keeping it classy is in no way meant to serve the other person. It is all for you, it is a lot more comforting, leaving a situation knowing that you handled it the best way you could. Ending a friendship is extremely emotional and arduous, so it becomes imperative that you take the time to heal and really move on. Many toxic friendships are born out of trying to prove to an “ex-friend” that you are all good, despite the friendship ending. In actual fact, such childish escapades are unnecessary. It is a lot easier to push through your pain and learn to have your own back than it is to put on that whole facade. When you don't take the time for yourself to heal, you end up becoming desperate to fill the space your friend used to be. This leads to you to become desperate and willing to enter into a series of unhealthy, toxic relationships where you are taken advantage of. And those relationships end badly and it becomes an addiction and a cycle that is much harder to break.