Self-Sabotage

        William Jennings Bryan once said “Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” This can be quite difficult to fully grasp, when we are constantly told that we are special, and different and worthy, because such words resonate and give us comfort and unconsciously translate into a passivity and a dangerous nonchalance. We are convinced that no matter what happens, we will be “ok” and “everything will work out,” which is great and noble but I worry that this attitude can make us our own worst enemy.

On a recent episode of Grey’s Anatomy, Jesse Williams snatched all my edges when he pointed out that when we choke and stumble and stutter, it is not because the timing is off or because we are overreacting, we choke and stumble and stutter because when we speak our truth, it is often extremely uncomfortable and frightening. It is uncomfortable and frightening not because it isn't true or worth a discussion, but because we worry that we will say something wrong or be misunderstood, but this is a risk worth taking because the only thing worse than saying something wrong is not saying anything at all. I should also point out that many times, we feel uncomfortable because we try to make other people feel comfortable with our truth. Sometimes, the awkward pauses and the uncomfortable conversations are important for our own peace of mind. But it does not stop there, even though it very often does. After the awkwardness, you move on, you let it go, you forgive. To forgive, according to the Merriam Webster dictionary, is to stop feeling anger toward someone who has done something wrong. Many times people struggle to forgive because they feel it is a favour to the person who has treated them horribly. And I mean it is, but you know, it is all about perspective. In my opinion, the satisfaction of having something to hang over someone’s head is not worth the anxiety that comes with unforgiveness and bitterness. I think forgiveness becomes a little less difficult when you see it as something you are doing for yourself and not for them.

Speaking of toxic relationships, I recently learned that not everyone you get along with needs to be your friend and not everyone you form a friendship with is meant to be in your life forever. Friendship is very tricky, so I think the most important thing I have learned is not to force it, to let it happen organically. If you have to add something to your life to have something in common with a person, that can a red flag. I mean, chances are you are going to have to keep buying the things you will have in common with this person and if you are at the beginning of your career like me, this just isn't practical. Besides, anyone who belittles the way you live and the person you are, (assuming you are not a bloody horrible monster who collects little girls) is not worth your time or energy. This is not to say that you absolutely cannot form a friendship with a person you have nothing in common with. This is just to say that if you have to change who you are to become friends with a person, chances are that you will continue to change who you are to please this person and this is unhealthy.           The only people who are worth your time are the ones who accept you for the person you are right now. The ones who believe in you and your potential but whose friendship is not contingent on who they think you can be. Time is precious and unfortunately it is a finite and non-renewable resourse, thus it is counterintuitive to not make the most of the little that you do have. Whether it is spending time with dumb people or leaving till tomorrow what you can do today. Don Marquis once said that “procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday” and a literal waste of today. The most effective way to make the most of your time and resources is to get a person or people you can be accountable to. Disappointing another person makes the futility of procrastination significantly more apparent. It is your duty to surround yourself with people who you can learn from and who hold you accountable for your actions, push you out of your comfort zone and challenge you in ways that you cannot challenge yourself.

You know? like real people, not the severely altered and filtered versions of themselves, people put up on their Instagram profiles. One of the biggest sources of self-sabotage is social media and this is ironic because it is all make believe. It is as stupid as it sounds to compare your real life to someone else’s concocted life on social media. I mean, may be they have a better life than you do or maybe they don’t, but you better not be making this comparison off of their Instagram profile. I mean I’ll admit, I want to look cool and look like I have an amazing life on social media and who does not. It is not bad to want these things, what is unhealthy is being so focused on the way you look that you become desensitized to what is actually real. Social media is especially horrible and destructive because you never come across those Instagram accounts of your friends who are doing amazing things when you are having a super-productive day, it is almost always on the days when you feel horrible and like you are just the biggest failure. On those days, rather than wallow in self pity, take a step back and however many boxes of tissues and/or glasses of red wine it takes to separate what is real from what is fake and focus on what is real and the people and things that you do have in your life, because making this distinction has the potential to change the rest of your life.