Mood Swings and Mixed Feelings

Dear September,
This is the one where we talk about mood swings and mixed feelings, because I am, after all, the queen of mood swings and mixed feelings, which is just a cute way of saying I am wildly indecisive, I can’t ever make up my mind and I'm impossible but it’s ok (or at least, that’s what I am telling myself). You see, I was not always like this. I used to be a rational human being with the ability to make up her mind but the University of Toronto ended that for me. Speaking of the University of Toronto, I just graduated with Honours from what is arguably the most prestigious institution in Canada but I have mixed feelings about that too. Granted, when I remember how hard I worked to get here, I feel good and proud and like I have earned the right to do whatever I want. Unfortunately, sometimes that feeling of bliss and contentment is taking away and replaced with this whole other pressure of “figuring it out.” I mean, if I learned anything in the last couple of weeks leading up to graduation and the days after, it is that the mind is a very strong thing. Every single person who I had a conversation with about graduating, warned me about the anxiety and the urge to figure everything out, but I somehow managed to do exactly what they warned me against. I guess it just goes to show that you can't really decide how you want to feel about certain situations.

Don't misunderstand me, I mean I definitely feel happy and grateful because there are so many people who would kill to be in my position. There are so many people who want an education but this is just not an option for them. There are so many people who had to work full-time in order to pay their way through school but I was blessed to have my parents support me financially throughout my time at school. But you see my mind is set up in such a way that this feeling of gratitude quickly turns into guilt. I feel bad for feeling confused and for not knowing exactly what I want to do next. I feel like I have been given this incredible gift and this window of opportunity and not knowing what to do with it is a waste and I’ll tell you now, that feels heavy. Then there the whole other struggle of feeling like a baby and a person without serious problems. Apart from the guilt that comes with being 22 and not really knowing what I want, there is also the guilt of feeling sorry for myself in the midst of the crises in London; terrorist attacks and burning buildings and police brutality. This is what occupies my thoughts, but the thing is, this is what feels most real to me and I can't help that.
In the last couple of months, I begun comparing myself to everyone around me and as we all know, comparison is the thief of joy. Harold Coffin once said “Envy is the art of counting another’s blessings instead of your own” and I became an expert at counting other people’s blessings. I compared myself to my older sister who had a great job months before she graduated and my younger sister who is incredibly smart and has all the time in the world because she is still in first year of university. I compared myself to my friends who know exactly what they want and consistently push themselves and surprise me with their wit and wisdom and pure talent. In my mind, everyone who is not me seemed to be better off than I am, which is a lie but that hasn't stopped me yet. Slowly but surely, the negative thoughts turned into self-pity and that’s not ok. Instead of stopping yourself, you become crippled by your thoughts and you go down the rabbit hole of doing absolutely nothing. As a person who is just now climbing out of said rabbit hole, I’ll tell you, it is hard and exhausting and no fun at all but it has to be done.

The first step I have taken to climb out of the rabbit hole is I have made a conscious decision to stop comparing my actual life right now to people’s lives on social media. As we all know, social media is at best, an illusion. On social media, a person has complete control of what their life is and appears to be, which is not the case in reality. I found that a lot of my anxiety stemmed from the fact that I was not where I thought I should be at this time in my life. I felt and sometimes still feel like I should have certain things figure out that haven't quite happened for me yet. And I mean this is fair enough, but the flaw here is that I was making assumptions on where I should be, not based on goals that I had set for myself but based on what I saw other people doing and this is unhealthy. You see, there are only two options open to you when you compare yourself to others. You either never quite measure up and develop a permanent chip on your shoulder or you measure up and completely lose sight of who you are as a human being. Thus, the only way out of such misery is focus on you and your own journey. By all means, enjoy social media but remember that it is not life. There are many ways to reach happiness but no matter how hard you try, trying to be someone else is not one of them. So, trust me, you are not crazy and happiness is a feeling that often comes and goes. Happiness seems like it should be easy and uncomplicated but it really isn’t. Happiness is an uphill battle because it often takes on different meanings as you grow and evolve, so there is always going to be a little sadness in happiness. Happiness is often moving on to something better but we tend to forget that this also means leaving something behind. It is through feeling sad and lost and alone that you can truly discover what makes you truly happy.

Chicken wings and Muffin tops

        Anaïs Nin once said… not a goddamn thing about muffin tops or chicken wings, that’s for sure because you see there are more important discussions to be had, but are there really? I mean this feels pretty important and for those of you who don't know… muffin top (n.): a roll of fat visible above the top of a pair of women’s tight-fitting low-waisted pants. I have a very complicated relationship with my muffin top, some days I feel empowered by it, like it is evidence that I have control over my own body. That’s a lie. I hate it, I absolutely hate it, I hate the way it folds over my jeans, so bold and entitled. Like this your own fault boo, why did eat that many chicken wings?” Speaking of chicken wings… chicken wing (n.): a blob of fat in between the shoulder and elbow, the fat people equivalent of a “bicep”, most visible when one stretches their arm.
If you are like me (which I really, really, really hope you are) then without fail, like clockwork, every year, in January, when you set your goals for the year, you include “lose 20 pounds” or “go to the gym” or “take a one-hour walk everyday” to the list. And then, you either totally ignore it and then begin to develop #summerbody anxiety right around this time of the year or you act like you were high when you wrote it. Don't get me wrong, I’d love to be the girl who comforts you and says your folds and flabs don't define you and choosing not to work out or fit into the society’s ideal notion of beauty makes you courageous and noble but it does NOT. And I’m sorry but if you constantly worry about your weight or if looking in the mirror gives you anxiety, then get off your butt and do something about it. Trust me I have been that girl, the one that insists that there is something fundamentally wrong with the way we have been taught to approach our bodies as girls and I mean there is, but not in the way that it somehow comforts you and justifies your laziness. In the way that it is blatantly unfair for a girl to feel like someone else has the power to tell her how she should look.
It is true that there is something about the narrative and discourse around body image, especially on social media that has made healthy and attractive synonymous with skinny or Kim Kardashian and it definitely does not sit right with me. What is most important is the way you see yourself, the subjective picture or mental image you have of your own body, not your actual physical size. While, these two concepts may seem synonymous, they are very often extremely different. For starters, one’s actual size is not subjective, it is what the reading is on the scale. One’s body image, however, is a purely psychological phenomenon but make no mistake, it has very real, very physical consequences. It is very important that these thoughts are not overlooked because what starts in your head can easily manifest in the way you see yourself and ultimately, the way you choose to live your life.
In terms of social media, to be honest, I just feel cheated and ignored, I feel like the only body type that is talked about favourably is the “Kim Kardashian, Nicki Minaj,  tiny waist, big butt, coke-bottle type body.” Honestly, it bothers me even more that no one points out the one clear fact that has literally walked out of our minds, climbed up on our shoulders and slapped us rosy on both cheeks… I mean, it is at least a little bit unhealthy to strive for a body type that is basically unattainable without the help of old Dr. Hollywood. And while we are it, let’s talk about how being healthy is slowly becoming high culture; just another thing people hold over each other’s heads. People seem to be jumping on the “healthy lifestyle” bandwagon the same way everyone you know has suddenly become a Stephen Curry or Lebron James fan? and frankly, I cannot be arsed.
I know, I know that it sounds bad and of course I want to be healthy, just not in the way I feel like it is being forced down my throat. I mean, enough with the waist trainers and diet pills and protein shakes, ok? It is hard enough finding a balance between social media; that somehow manages to convince you that the only life worth living is one in which you can fit into size 2 jeans and being in a Nigerian family where everyone worries about the size 2 cousin. Unfortunately, the warm, fuzzy, comforting, feeling you get after a good home cooked meal, fizzles off somewhere in between the first few bites and being too full to function and it pretty much turns into a seemingly unending cycle of guilt. You see, I was going to try to tie this all up in a nice big bow and tell you something witty and ambiguous but at the same time, mildly comforting and somewhat profound but I got nothing ok? I guess it is a little bit more difficult to give advice when you haven't totally figured it out for yourself.

Stress and Anxiety and Fear

        Anaïs Nin once said “we do not see things the way they are, we see them as we are,” and I love this quote because it encompasses a fundamental difference between stress and anxiety. We as humans, are in the business of making certain situations out to be a thousand times worse than they really are. We do the best job of projecting our feelings to our situations and it really does not serve us. Having a particularly difficult day can make you feel stressed but you convincing yourself that one bad day means you have a bad life is anxiety. And when you let anxiety fester, it becomes fear, which is more permanent and difficult to deal with. 

The first thing I want you to know about stress; is that it is the only one of the three that can be controlled. The Oxford Dictionary defines stress as “a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances.” Thus, stress is the easiest to deal with because there is a trigger, something you can identify as the source, whether it is school or work or whatever. Knowing the cause or root of the problem is a good place to start in searching for a solution, no? In terms of dealing with stress, I would love to be the girl that suggests a bath, or a long walk and reassures you that everything will sort itself out and I mean if that works for you, then please do it. Unfortunately, I am too much of a realist, so I guess my advice to you would be to get a journal where you can make lists of everything you need to get done and timelines and such and pretty much just get them done. For me, I think school work and like, having twelve different things due in one week was a main source of stress for me. So yeah, there were many lists and calendar notifications and alarms on my phone. 

Quick tip #1: I made it a point to take little breaks in betweens study sessions or as I ticked things off my list. 

Quick tip #2: I did not go on social media during my breaks because if you have Instagram, you know what I mean when I say that a quick 10 minute break can easily turn into full-on hour-long stalking session.

Anxiety is quite difficult to deal with, because there cannot be a clear-cut way to deal with a situation that is yet to exist. The best you can do is deal with your feelings about the said situation, because make no mistake, those feelings are very real. In that way, I guess the first thing to do is to focus on what is actually real. Going through life is like learning to swim, it is best to start at the shallow end and make small steps in the direction you feel is right for you. It is true that swimming in the shallow end of the pool is no less difficult than swimming in the deep end but it feels safer when we remember that if we begin to drown, we can just stand up. With swimming, as you build your confidence you can move away from the walls and the shallow end towards the deep end. In the same way, in life, as you build your confidence and become more comfortable in your own skin, you become more comfortable with uncertainty and the unknown. The second thing to do when you begin to feel anxious is to think, speak and surround yourself with positivity. This is because, anxiety often cripples you and makes you feel helpless, thus controlling the energies around you is pretty much, the only way to take back some of that control. Besides, having good people around you who listen and relate and make you laugh, serves as a good distraction  and it forces you to get out of your own head.

To be honest, I think the thing that gives me the most anxiety is my writing, mainly because it is the most important thing to me, so it can quite difficult to truly let go when I publish an article on my blog. I am at the point where I struggle with my content, in terms of deciding whether to tailor my articles fit into the mainstream fold of blogging or to stay true to myself. I know that it would be easier to develop an audience and more inspiration readily available around makeup and fashion and stereotypical “girly” topics but I agree with Rupi Kaur when she says “your art is not about how many people like your work, your art is about if your heart likes your work, if your soul likes your work, it is about how honest you are with yourself and you must never trade honesty for reliability.” I guess I just wish it was easier and a bit less lonely.

Fear is a little bit tricky because by definition, it fails to make a distinction between physical and emotional triggers. However, more times than not, fear manifests itself in the same way and it sets in as a direct result of anxiety that is left to fester. I think the first step to take when dealing with fear is realizing the domino effect and the negativity it attracts. Fear is just like a dark cloud that hovers over everything you do. Because fear is relentless and in most cases, it has brewed over a long period of time, there is no quick fix. Thus, it is important not to try and rush through the process. As you can probably tell, I write a lot, and I find the writing process quite cathartic, in that, it allows me to get rid of negative energy in a way that still allows me to recognize that it is real, which is the perfect set up. 

One of my biggest fears is ending up less than euphoric. Bill Patterson once said “everyone seeks happiness, not me though, that’s the difference between between me and the rest of the world, happiness is not good enough for me, I demand euphoria” and I share his sentiment. In my mind, happiness is not an abstract concept because I know exactly what it means to me. I know that I want my parents and my sisters to find the kind of happiness I speak of. I know that I want to have friends that easily become family and family that I am friends with. I know that I want to build a community online where girls like me, feel a little less lonely and a little more spoken for. I know that I want a Sunday kind of love. I know I want to raise children who are kind and courageous enough to be exactly who they are. I know I want to have more blessings than prayer requests and I know that I want to feel God close to me. So, maybe seeing things the way they are is a little overrated, maybe it is good that we see things the way we are because even though we are human and emotional, if we put in the effort to make sure that stress does not turn to anxiety and anxiety never gets to fear, then I think flawed as we are, we will be alright.