Dear September,
This
is the one where I tell you how to be friends with a serial killer… Ok, I know
this sounds more than a bit crazy so let me start by telling you what I mean by
‘serial killer’.
In
this context, a serial killer is a person who constantly makes bad decisions and
puts those around them in uncomfortable situations and does not seem to ever
learn. The absolute worst.
I
was inspired to write after I had a conversation with my sisters about friends
we had in the past that our parents did not approve of. In our house, once our
mum spotted a friend who seemed a tad bit inappropriate, she instructed us to
severe all ties with said person and that was that. It seemed like a rash decision
at the time and it still does right now. But I understand now because it takes
a certain level of strength, wisdom and willpower to be friends with a serial
killer and not become one. The kind that you just don’t possess as a child or
even a teenager. That being said, being on my own or without my parents
physically here with me, has given me the maturity to think for myself and come
up with ways around this situation. DISCLAIMER: Friendship is a very delicate
issue and should be treated on a case-by-case basis.
Right! Here goes
nothing…
·
Know who
you are
o
Knowing who you are is extremely important,
regardless of who you form a friendship with. Having a true sense of who you
are as a person will make it very difficult for you to be swayed or influenced
by another person. If you are confident and comfortable in your own skin, you
will not feel the need to be someone else. In this new age of social media,
this is an incredibly rare but valuable trait.
·
Pick your
battles
o
There are different types of ‘serial killers’,
which means that the battles and challenges for each one are different. There is the ‘serial killer’ with a bit of a
temper. To be friends with this one, you have to learn how to not engage them.
Getting into arguments with these ones is an actual waste of time, just agree
to disagree, whatever that means. There is also the ‘serial killer’ who cannot
be serious, the perpetual clown. To be friends with this one, you have to learn
the art of time management. You do not want to be hanging out with this one
when you have a crap ton of work to get done. Summer, holidays, weekends are
all appropriate hang out times for these ones. Do not argue with them or try
and get them to be serious by inviting them over when you have work to do. Do
not deceive yourself. It is difficult enough to get work done when you hang out
with your regular friends.
·
Work on the
things you don’t like
o
Your flaws can make you feel uncomfortable in
your skin but they most definitely, are not an excuse for you to try to be
somebody else. They are what make your personal journey so real and unique. One
bad personality trait also does not automatically make you a bad person,
incapable of redemption. One bad day or
one bad decision does not mean you have you a bad life. Embrace your flaws
because if you don’t, no one else will. You cannot sell something you don’t
believe. So believe that you are greatest thing since sliced bread and everyone
else will.
·
Do not
compare yourself to your ‘serial killer’ friend
o
Comparison is the thief of joy. Do not, for any
reason, compare yourself to anybody else, especially not your ‘serial killer’
friend. Comparing yourself is an indication that you have made the other person
the standard to beat. It is a decision that the other person is better than you
are. Once you start, it is an incredibly difficult habit to break, save
yourself the trouble, it really is not worth it. In this age of social media, your
‘serial killer’ friend often has more friends on Facebook, or more Instagram
followers or a higher Snapchat score. So, keep in mind that social media is an
illusion; it most definitely is not real life. The person you see on social
media is perfect and perfection does not exist.
If trying to live up to a fabricated version of another person isn’t
insanity, I don’t know what is. Live your life for you not your social media.
·
Do not
depend on them for anything
o
You should only take advice or help from people
who are capable. You should study a person’s life journey and path before you
listen to what they have to say. Do not take advice from every Tom, Dick and
Harry that offers it. It’s common sense really. If your ‘serial killer’ friend
is always late, do not ask them to drive you to church. If you do, it’s one of
two things. One, being on time for church is not important to you. Or, two you
are willing to give up your values and your own definition of what is
acceptable for theirs. Do not ask your extravagant, frivolous friend to keep
money for you. Do not ask your slutty friend for fashion advice. Close your mouth,
yes I said ‘slutty’, I mean sure I can say ‘sexually extroverted’ or ‘flirty’
if that makes you feel more comfortable but we both know what you really think.
·
Do not
compromise
o
Do not compromise on your values and be vocal
about what you believe in. Do not hide who you are or be filtered to make
someone else feel more comfortable. That’s utter bullshit. A friendship that
will last is one in which both parties have established a level of respect and
honesty with one another. If you are not comfortable with sex or alcohol or
drugs, say so. If they stop being friends with you for it, then you were never
friends to begin with. Stop and think about this for a second, if someone needs
to be drunk or high to hang out with you and have a good time, that, my friend
is a problem. That’s a huge red flag. Know your limits and do not compromise on
them. A person who expects you to change who you are for them is disrespectful
and not worth a second of your time.
Now, Septemeber,
I think it’s important for us to establish the difference between a serial
killer and a purely toxic relationship. A serial killer is harmless to you
until you give them the power but a toxic relationship is harmful all round. A toxic relationship is one in which the
other person just brings out the worst in you. Toxic relationships are sometimes abusive. Abuse can be
physical or mental, both of which are horrible and unacceptable on any and all levels.
A serial killer’s habits have the potential to unconsciously rub off on you but
not without your permission. With a ‘serial killer’ you have a significant
amount of the control but in a toxic situation, the power, authority and
control is often taken out of your hands.
Basically, it is safe to say that a
serial killer has more negative character traits than positive ones. They often
seem to be lost causes, more trouble than they are worth. So, the natural impulse would be to avoid
said people, but I think this precisely, is the problem that leads to the cycle.
Serial killers enter into a plethora of bad relationships, corrupt more people and it just keeps
going. Most serial killers can be redeemed with a few good relationships where they feel heard and a few good examples to refer to. Besides, I also think it’s our responsibility to be non-judgmental and to
do our best to help, even if it’s just by silently setting a good example.
Ok,… I feel like I’ve rambled
enough, hope this helps.
Hugs
and kisses,
Nini
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