Forgiveness Part 2: How to forgive

Dear September,

          This is the one where I tell you, well... not necessarily how to forgive but how I have learned to forgive. 

DISCLAIMER: Like, everything on this blog, this has worked for me but it is to be taken with a pinch of salt. I do not claim to know everything, I am also learning and reflecting as I share.

Now, I know that this may seem counterintuitive, in the sense that forgiveness does not seem like a complex concept but it really can be. In the past, there are a lot of times where I thought I had forgiven someone but I really hadn't. 

     I think it will be valuable to start with the ways to know that you haven't forgiven someone who offended you.

You can't stop talking about it

    If you are willing to tell every Tom, Dick and Harry how so and so has done this and that, then you are clearly not over it. If you were over it, you won't be able to bring yourself to spend time on the issue. Telling everyone you know is throwing a tantrum and looking for a pity party. Telling everyone you know is almost always in an effort to validate your anger. 

You can't stop thinking about it

      I mean if your really close friend does something very offensive then it's natural that you'd spend a lot of time thinking about it. But when you truly make peace with the situation, you should be able to stop thinking about it so often. 

You don't honestly wish them well

      I'll be the first to say that I'm a victim of this one. I think I've moved on but when I see on Instagram that they are doing well or what not, I secretly think "they are probably doing something illegal" or "those shoes aren't even that nice." When I know damn well that they are. And I'm spending time thinking about someone who could not give two about me. 

You spend time passively trying to prove to them that you're good without them

       Social media has inherently and inevitably created a culture of cowardice. It has made confronting your issues and the people who have offended sound archaic. Social media has made it so that everything is a competition. When a couple breaks up, they use social media to show that they are the best at getting over the break up. And, yes it looks as ridiculous as it sounds. I mean it's extremely suspicious-looking when right after a break up, your life is suddenly perfect and life is a fairytale. I think people should put the time that they invest into social media into actually healing and moving on. 

        Social media has also made it so that you can subtly "throw shade" at certain people. It is the perfect space and platform for saying everything without saying anything. Again, this requires effort, effort you wouldn't care to give if you had truly moved on. It would just be so much easier if we all just were honest and said how we feel. 

You treat everyone else like they offended you

        When you let your anger fester, it becomes bitterness and everyone else begins to feel it too. Then this bitterness leads to a lack of trust. Suddenly, you assume that everyone is untrustworthy until proven otherwise, and this is no way to live. Soon enough people will notice and get tired of overcompensating and apologizing for crimes they didn't commit. If it's too late, you would have pushed out of your life, people that truly want the best for you and that is a shame.

You want your mutual friends to pick sides

       Are we twelve? If you cannot see how a person who is totally neutral and uninvolved in the issue can be friends with you and the person that offended you, you have certainly not moved on. Plus, I think it is blatantly unfair to make a person choose between two of their friends. It is punishing someone for something that has nothing to do with them. It is human, but it is also extremely petty and unnecessary. 

Ok, how to forgive...

Realize that it is not your fault

       A lot of times, I unconsciously think I must have done something to provoke them. Maybe I neglected them or maybe I was a bad friend. But, at the end of the day, being a bad friend does not give people a pass to actively do something that is mean and offensive. 

       The way a person chooses to treat you is not a reflection of your character, it is a reflection of theirs. I don't doubt that you are not perfect, but really who is? You were not wrong to trust them and you didn't move too quickly, it is on them not you. Maybe the responsibility for the demise of the relationship can be shared but for that specific thing they did to piss you off, that's on them. You'll be surprised how much better you feel once you realize this.

Have a conversation with them

        You can never really tell what someone else was thinking in a particular moment unless they tell you. Sometimes, a little closure goes  a very long way. A lot of the time, anger comes from your imagination of who the person is, and a lot of the time, it is at least mildly inaccurate.

         Also if you do set up a conversation, keep your expectations realistic. There is never really a very good reason to hurt someone else. Do not talk immediately after the incident because the pain is still fresh and so is your anger. Talking in that state can provoke you to say things you don't really mean. In that state, you will listen to reply not to understand. Talk when you have a clear head and can trust yourself to be calm. Note, I didn't say 'objective' because that is not realistic. You are not going to all of a suddenly see their side perfectly and understand why they hurt you. You are always going to be in your own corner.

Talk to your person about it

       If this is your first time reading my blog, your person is the one person who is always in your corner and always has your back, no matter what. Because I'll admit it, when I'm annoyed I just want to vent, I don't want to have a conversation with a person who will point out how I was wrong and what I should have done differently. In that moment, I need comfort not discipline. Because, honestly by the time you replay the events and hear them as you are saying them, you would realize where you went wrong and what you could have done differently. So, the role of your person is strictly to point out that your feelings are valid and your anger and frustration is understandable.

Talk to your mentor about it

       Your mentor and your person cannot be the same person. Your mentor and your person play two very different roles in your life. Your mentor shouldn't be your friend. A friendship puts pressure on people to be nicer and sugar coat things. A friend cannot give you the tough love that you sometimes so desperately need in certain situations. A mentor will always be honest and help you put everything in perspective and give you good advice. A mentor is wise and has experienced more life than you have, so they are in a good position to help you figure out what you want to do about the situation.

Don't rush 

          I don't think I can emphasize this enough. I think that it is important to not ignore or suppress your feelings about the issue. A lot of times, people resort to this because dealing with feelings can be an extremely painful and difficult process but it is necessary to truly move on. If you are angry or upset, don't feel less, you are human and those are valid feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. You cannot possibly truly forgive unless you work through your feelings. Dealing with your anger makes it so that, it is never able to turn into bitterness. 

        So, September, as the villain of my favourite television show, One Tree Hill, once said "Forgiveness is never easy. Bitterness is easy. Hatred is easy. But forgiveness that's a tough one. Sometimes people say things they don't mean or do things they can't take back. So we feed ourselves to starve the pain". I think what this means is that, a lot of times, we lash out, because we think it is what will make us happy and numb the pain but that kind of joy works for a minute at best and then wears off. I think what this means is that the fact that forgiveness is clearly the more difficult route is only proof that it is the one to be taken. The pain of working through your feelings is never as bad as the one you can inflict on yourself and the people you love, when you choose to ignore them.

                                                                                                                  All my love,

                                                                                                                                   Nini

Forgiveness part 1.

Dear September,

          This is the one where I tell you about forgiveness. Maya Angelou once said, "it's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody." True forgiveness is often very difficult, so it is quite easy to forget that it is in fact, a gift. To forgive, according to the Merriam Webster dictionary, is to stop feeling anger toward someone who has done something wrong. I think this definition is particularly valid because it very clearly points out that forgiving someone is not ignoring what they did, it is failing to harbour negative emotions towards them for doing it.

I think another aspect of forgiveness that is very often shunned is that forgiveness can be felt towards oneself. Many times we fail to live up to the standards we set for ourselves, and this results in us feeling less than. It results in us spending significant amounts of time, thinking about how we could have gone about certain situations and circumstances differently. While reflection is always good, crying for hours on end over spilt milk is an unnecessary burden.

Lack of forgiveness for anyone leads to anger, malice, revenge and bitterness. 

Anger

Buddha once said "you will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger." This quote is so profound because it does not attempt to sugar coat the toxicity of anger. What I understand by this quote is two things. One, anger is a perfectly natural emotion to feel. It will be unrealistic and simply impossible to ask people not to feel upset or angry after they have been treated badly. Two, anger is an emotion to be kept in check because if it is left to fester, it can cause irreparable damage. Anger is a dangerous emotion. It can cause people to act irrationally or become anxious, depressed and it can even begin to manifest with physical and physiological issues.

Anger is misleading because it makes one feel like they have all the power when in actual fact by holding on to it, you run the risk of losing everything else. 

Malice.

Anger often leads to malice. Malice is the desire to do evil. When you focus on the ways that people have hurt you, you inherently want them to feel the hurt you feel. People often fail to acknowledge the fact that malice is bad because it is not necessarily followed by action. Many times, when people offend us and treat us badly, we assume that it is only fair and human and our right to wish them bad. 

Malice often manifests itself in bad mouthing and gossiping and telling anyone who will listen how such and such did this and that. It may be the truth but if it isn't helping anyone then it is pointless and unnecessary.

            Another thing to point out here is that; malice is often be fuelled by the people around you. In badmouthing and gossiping and telling your side of the story, you give other people permission to have an opinion and offer their two cents. By being in your corner, many times friends play an instrumental role, consciously or unconsciously, in validating our anger towards another person and our desire to do evil. So, be careful who you tell your business to, tell people who are wise and mature and capable of helping you think logically in such a vulnerable state. Forgiveness and letting go may seem difficult, even more so when there are people around supporting the complete opposite, but it is definitely the easier route, less stress, less anxiety and less effort. 

Revenge.

Malice is the thought and revenge is the action. If malice isn't dealt with, it will gradually manifest as revenge. At the point of revenge, the person unknowingly becomes even more weak and vulnerable because they have given the person who offended so much more power over them.

Revenge leads to the loss of nobility and dignity. Revenge is a confession of pain and an admission of weakness to the wrong party. Mahatma Gandhi once said "an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind." Revenge has no intrinsic value. Revenge is a burden too heavy and unnecessary to carry.

One of my favourite quotes is by George Herbert, he said "living well is the best revenge." I think what this means is that, whoever treats you unfairly does not deserve your attention. If you need to cry or wallow in self pity for a minute to feel lighter and better, do it. But by all means, get on with your life. Invest your time and effort in what and who will reciprocate your gesture. It is infinitely more painful for you aggressor to see you doing well without them and despite them, than for them to fall into whatever revenge scheme you mastermind. You taking the time and effort to plot revenge means you still care and you are still hurt by their actions, which may be the truth but you should not give anyone that satisfaction, especially not someone who blatantly hurt you.

Bitterness

     Do not believe for one second that revenge will make you feel better. It may feel good for a second, but trust me feeling like you won will last much shorter than you think it will. Two wrongs never ever make a right. Marin Luther King, Jr. once said "never succumb to the temptation of bitterness."

I love this quote because it acknowledges that bitterness is a very easy destination when one starts travelling down the path of anger. Bitterness spreads much faster than anger ever will. Anger is a justifiable emotional response to certain situations and circumstances but bitterness never is. 

Bitterness leads to isolation. When one is bitter, they become toxic and venomous to those around them and slowly but surely, the people around realize this and begin to give them space. This is the last thing you need when you are hurting and going through such a difficult time. At times like this, you need the support of your family and friends not to push them away.

So, September, the next time someone does something to upset you, sort it out as soon as you can. Do not let it fester because trust me being bitter is no fun. Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not a favour to those who have offended you, it is a favour to yourself. Granted, it is extremely difficult to move past some circumstances but start putting in the work and start dealing with them. There is no time limit on forgiveness. Taking a few months to deal with your anger is better than spending the rest of your life to stop feeling bitter.

Mahatma Gandhi once said "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Be strong and forgive. Forgiving does not have to be forgetting. I'm not asking that you return to a sunny, positive relationship with those who have offended you. I'm asking that you let go of the weight of anger and if you have to let go of the relationship, to let go of the anger, so be it. Your peace of mind is worth a few toxic relationships. Give yourself the time you need to deal with the situation, do not ignore it, because soon enough you will no longer be in control. 

Mindful Minutes

Dear September, 

       This is the one where I tell you about taking mindful minutes. Last week I was walking through my university campus, when I noticed a girl doing some sort of martial art by herself in the park. She was just there, focused, and finding her own peace, in the midst of the craziness all around her. It made me stop and reflect and see the importance of taking a few mindful minutes to yourself as often as you can. 

       Mindful minutes are moments where you consciously focus on yourself and your wellbeing and nothing else. Note that this is not a time when you sit and check social media. This is a time to de-clutter and reset your mind. Being that this concept is somewhat foreign to me, I assume it is somewhat foreign to some of you as well. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to suggest some ideas for what you can do during these moments...

One. 

Tidy your area

        Whether this is your bedroom or your entire living space, doing some sort of tidying up can help a great deal. A clean and tidy environment allows for a clean and tidy mind. First, it allows you to step away from the situation that is causing you to stress, and as we all know by now, perspective is everything. Second, it allows you to start feeling less overwhelmed. It may not deal directly with the issue but it will put your mind in a better position to deal with the situation.

Two.

Make a list

       There's something about making a list that is almost therapeutic. The magic isn't necessarily in following through on every single thing you put on the list; but just making the list can help you feel like you are capable of getting those things done and there is no need to feel anxious or overwhelmed. Sometimes you feel like you have so much on your plate and it takes a list to let you know that you can do all that you set out to.

Three.

Listen to your favourite song or album

        I am a big music lover, have always been, will always be. I like everything from McFly to Solange, Bob Marley to Chance the rapper, Gwen Stefani to Maroon 5. Music just has a way of making me feel relaxed when I get really stressed. Music also inspires me a lot to write, whether I agree with the singer’s perspective or not. I recently listened to Solange's new album and it is everything. Sometimes all it takes is one song to make you feel like you're not alone and there are other people in the world who feel exactly the way you feel in that moment. Feeling overwhelmed can quickly lead to feeling weak or less than and hearing someone say that they have struggled or are struggling with the same thing, can instantly brings some sort of comfort. Also, hearing someone be proud of what makes you feel uncomfortable can change your perspective and cause you to find beauty in what you think are your flaws.

Four.

Take a long bath

        I am a shower kind of girl but I hear a long bath works wonders. Plus there's aromatherapy that's scientifically proven to help with stress. There are also these pretty bath bombs that could serve as a good distraction. Even if you have to take some of the work home, taking a long bath can help you feel much more relaxed and able to get that work done. Because let’s be honest, sometimes the only thing that helps you to not feel as stressed is actually getting the work done. 

Five.

Take a long walk

        There's nothing like a long walk to help clear your mind. Long walks help you put things in perspective. Long walks allow you enough time to gather your thoughts and become less overwhelmed. It actually does not need to be a hundred miles, the important thing is to get away from what is making you stressed for a moment.  A walk also allows you to look close enough and realize that no one is perfect and no one has a perfect life. Everyone is just working to make sure they have more good days than bad days and that is what you should do too. We put so much pressure on ourselves not necessarily to be perfect, because most people realize early on that this is impossible but at least to look perfect. And we spend so much time doing patchwork and trying to hide our pain that when we finally deal with our issues, we feel overwhelmed and alone. Take one day at a time because there is a reason that this is all we are giving at once.

Six.

Listen to a podcast

         In case you are like me and nature is really not your scene. Podcasts are great for hearing other people's stories that you can relate to. They help you realize that you have more strength than you think and you are capable of pushing through the fear and suffocation you currently feel. The only thing is that, you are not allowed to look at social media or anything else while you are listening because that will defeat the whole purpose of the activity.

Seven.

Light a candle

         I work, volunteer and go to school and I'm involved with an organization in school and I blog. I also live in the middle of a city, in a condo, where I feel like everyone is just as swept up in their own lives. So as much I love it and I do, it can be a little much sometimes. Sometimes I'll light a couple of candles around my apartment and it totally changes the vibe and I feel extremely peaceful. It allows you find your own peace in the middle of everyone else’s chaos.

Eight.

Watch an episode of your favourite show

      Ok, I should say that I feel like this only works if you are into comedy or romance or light-hearted genres like me. If you're into sci-fi or vampires or action, maybe this one isn't for you, light a candle or something. A good laugh can really help when you're feeling stressed and you want to relax. I found this comedy show on Netflix called "Ali Wong: Baby Cobra" and it was witty and honest and so incredible, I strongly recommend it. I'm so tempted to give you a few spoilers but I won't... but trust me, find it. You can tell how excited I got with how many 'buts' are in that sentence.

Nine.

Call your person.

       Your person is the one you know will always be in your corner. The one who knows all your secrets, and flaws, and how crazy you are, but loves you and is there for you anyway. Your person knows the person they need to be for you, in every given situation. Whether to be the person that listens to you rant and sulk and self-pity or the person that gives you tough love. My person is my little sister, find you a person if you don’t have one.

Ten.

Place your hand on your heart.

         Sometimes all you need is you. Sometimes all you need is to remind yourself that you are strong and capable of dealing with whatever life throws at you. Placing your hand on your heart is a way to let your heart beat be a reminder that although life is overwhelming and difficult right now, you are still here and that's what is most important. Sometimes, you need to be your own coach, teammate and cheerleader.

           September, I think what appeals to me the most about mindful minutes is that the concept lets you acknowledge that life is sometimes overwhelming and that's ok. I think taking a few minutes to yourself, when things are a bit stressful can make all the difference in the world. 

            I think because we now live in a world of social media, most people are too cowardly to admit that they are struggling. Many people are more concerned with how their lives look to others than how it feels to them and I cannot think of anything more toxic and venomous.

I know that learning to handle stress in an organic way will not happen overnight but I think that you can commit to being conscious of your actions and your reactions moving forward. Keep calm and do what you feel works best for you. I’ll be rooting for you and me both.

                                                                                                                        Love,

                                                                                                                                    Nini

I am...

Dear September,

            This is the one where I tell you who I am… My good friend Zoe invited me to see a dance show a couple of days ago and it inspired me to really think about my who I am. Over the years of my conscious life, I do not remember ever stopping to think about who I am. It has been very much a “I know so no need to tell” situation. However, I think writing about it and having to consciously think about it will be a visual reminder of what I have and where I want to be. So, this should be interesting for you and me both.

G I R L

This is the first thing I think about when I think about who I am. I think I am an independent, strong girl. I think a big advantage that we as girls have over boys is our intuition. So over the last couple of years, I've really began to take time to listen and become who I really want to be as opposed to who I think I need to be for the people around me. It has been scary but worth it and I continue to embrace discovering who I am and the path I am on. 

B L A C K

This is one I have struggled with the last couple of years. I only moved to Canada a little over three years ago. I grew up in Nigeria and then I moved to Ghana for two years before I came to Canada for university. So I was very much in a position where everyone was black so it really wasn't a thing to think about. Moving to Canada has definitely changed that: I am definitely forced to be aware of my race now, more than ever. I have noticed that sometimes people aren't outwardly racist, they just pigeonhole and judge and except you to be a certain way. Being reminded of my "blackness," has allowed to become a part of my community and express a passion and a side of my voice that I am not sure I knew existed, so I am grateful for that.

D A U G H T E R

I have very special relationships with both my parents, for which I am eternally grateful.

My dad is kind of like my life coach. He gives me advice on pretty much everything. He listens to my rants and kind of helps me make sense of the tornado that is my mind.

My mum is very much my friend and I'm not saying that for any other reason than it being the truth. When I think of who I want to be when I grow up, I think my mother. When I think about honesty and authenticity and unconditional love, I think my mother. She is the part of me that is fiercely honest, the part of me that always wants to find the silver lining.

S I S T E R

Ok, so I am the second of three girls and I have very different relationships with both my sisters. My older sister is extremely honest (putting it lightly) and funny and giving and amazing and beautiful and a big inspiration. So thinking of her pushes me to want the best for myself.

My little sister is my best friend in the whole world. She is the only person I don't feel pressure with. So when I think of her, I think of the part of me that's honest and a good friend. She is also extremely witty, sarcastic, smart and competitive so she inspires my personality in those ways too.

F R I E N D

This is another big one. It has only taken me twenty-one years but I am now in a place where I demand the same amount of respect I give my friends. Of course, this has led to me having less friends, as it probably should. I have also reached a place where I now enjoy my own company so I longer feel the need to force relationships.

One step further, I would say I have become selective with friends, it is not a thing of pride, it is a thing of self-respect and maturity. I realise that I am not going to get along with every single person I meet and that is alright. Also, I have realised that as I have began to come into my own and figure out what I want out of life, as I have grown and changed, I have seen a change in the type of people I attract. People get uncomfortable when you grow and change, especially when they are comfortable being stagnant.

B L O G G E R

Apart from my family and friends, this is what means the most to me. My blog is very much my thing, sometimes it feels like a part of me, it is my creative outlet. My writing is kind of like therapy to me. It allows me feel the way I want to and express myself without holding back. If I’m honest, I think blogging has given me the confidence to embrace my voice and stand up for myself. I do not like confrontation but blogging has given me the courage to initiate an honest conversation if I feel like I am being disrespected or ignored. So if you're reading this, thank you, because you are a gift that I am always grateful for.  

I was afraid for months to put my writing out there because I was afraid of being judged and criticised. Now, I would like to say I had an epiphany and I no longer care what people think but that is far from the truth. It is more like, I don’t really care to give negative people any time or attention.

I think the best part of blogging for me is looking back and seeing how much I've grown, not just as a writer but as a human being. This is extremely important especially when I feel stuck or overwhelmed with my life because my blog is a visual reminder that even though I'm not where I want to be, I'm not where I used to be.

S T U D E N T

I am currently pursuing a double major in employment relations and sociology at the University of Toronto. I'm also in my final year (all together.... Yay!)

Being a student has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. I think the most important lesson that being a student has taught me is perseverance. I have learned to stick it out when things do not go the way I want them to. I have learned that there are a thousand different ways to do everything, one just has to be patient enough to figure out what works.

I have also learned and am still learning self-management, time management and organizational skills. I have learned how to work effectively in a team and individually. I have learned to set goals and be strict with myself about them. 

I’ll be honest and admit that I started looking forward to graduation not long after I started attending classes. Like I said, being a student has been a part of my identity for as long as I can remember and I have been eager to take a break. However, as I draw closer to my graduation, I have also become a bit more nervous.

Being in school, as stressful as it is, has given my life a whole lot of direction. Without assignments due and tests and exams, I will actually get to do whatever I want, which for the first time, is a scary thought. I think that the main thing that scares me is actually getting to follow my dreams full time. I will actually get to put the time in to blogging that it needs and as exciting as this is, this also means that I will get an honest picture of my blogging future. I think this is the perfect case of "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it".

C H R I S T I A N

I am a Christian. Christianity is a relationship and I’ll admit, I have taken a lot more than I’ve given. I am not where I want to be in my relationship with God but I'm committed to working on it from this point, moving forward. God has been so kind to me because He has gone above and beyond in doing his part in our relationship and He continues to do so. I think because I have so much confidence in Him, I have taken our relationship for granted and I am not proud of that at all. So I am making a commitment to do my part and I can only take one step at a time on this long journey but I promise not to stand still.

N I G E R I A N

I think this is a part of my identity that has become more active in the past four or five years. About five years ago, I left Nigeria for the first time to go and study in Ghana. And for the first time, Nigeria became the minority. I suddenly began to feel the need to do my part to make sure I was seen as a Nigerian and Nigeria was seen in my community in school. After Ghana, I moved to Canada and being Nigerian continues to be the monitory but it also continues to play an active role. I go to a church that's predominantly Nigerian. I think being exposed to so many cultures has made me appreciate my own and see how mine has shaped who I am. In standing up for Nigeria, I have felt like I was standing up for myself. Any attack on Nigeria has felt personal, valid or not. I think it is also a thing about community and fellowship and authenticity. I see how faking an accent looks on the outside and it's not cute. 

This process of exploring the different segments of my personality has been therapeutic. It has made me realize that although these are on the surface, neither one is simplistic or exists on its own. They are all entangled and they all interact to make my life what it is.

So, September, this is who I am… for now. So don’t get too comfortable because I continue to embrace these and all the other parts of my personality I am yet to explore. I hope I change and evolve and continue to grow and become the woman I dream of being, whoever she is.

                                                                                                                                  All my love,

                                                                                                                                                     Nini