Forgiveness part 1.

Dear September,

          This is the one where I tell you about forgiveness. Maya Angelou once said, "it's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody." True forgiveness is often very difficult, so it is quite easy to forget that it is in fact, a gift. To forgive, according to the Merriam Webster dictionary, is to stop feeling anger toward someone who has done something wrong. I think this definition is particularly valid because it very clearly points out that forgiving someone is not ignoring what they did, it is failing to harbour negative emotions towards them for doing it.

I think another aspect of forgiveness that is very often shunned is that forgiveness can be felt towards oneself. Many times we fail to live up to the standards we set for ourselves, and this results in us feeling less than. It results in us spending significant amounts of time, thinking about how we could have gone about certain situations and circumstances differently. While reflection is always good, crying for hours on end over spilt milk is an unnecessary burden.

Lack of forgiveness for anyone leads to anger, malice, revenge and bitterness. 

Anger

Buddha once said "you will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger." This quote is so profound because it does not attempt to sugar coat the toxicity of anger. What I understand by this quote is two things. One, anger is a perfectly natural emotion to feel. It will be unrealistic and simply impossible to ask people not to feel upset or angry after they have been treated badly. Two, anger is an emotion to be kept in check because if it is left to fester, it can cause irreparable damage. Anger is a dangerous emotion. It can cause people to act irrationally or become anxious, depressed and it can even begin to manifest with physical and physiological issues.

Anger is misleading because it makes one feel like they have all the power when in actual fact by holding on to it, you run the risk of losing everything else. 

Malice.

Anger often leads to malice. Malice is the desire to do evil. When you focus on the ways that people have hurt you, you inherently want them to feel the hurt you feel. People often fail to acknowledge the fact that malice is bad because it is not necessarily followed by action. Many times, when people offend us and treat us badly, we assume that it is only fair and human and our right to wish them bad. 

Malice often manifests itself in bad mouthing and gossiping and telling anyone who will listen how such and such did this and that. It may be the truth but if it isn't helping anyone then it is pointless and unnecessary.

            Another thing to point out here is that; malice is often be fuelled by the people around you. In badmouthing and gossiping and telling your side of the story, you give other people permission to have an opinion and offer their two cents. By being in your corner, many times friends play an instrumental role, consciously or unconsciously, in validating our anger towards another person and our desire to do evil. So, be careful who you tell your business to, tell people who are wise and mature and capable of helping you think logically in such a vulnerable state. Forgiveness and letting go may seem difficult, even more so when there are people around supporting the complete opposite, but it is definitely the easier route, less stress, less anxiety and less effort. 

Revenge.

Malice is the thought and revenge is the action. If malice isn't dealt with, it will gradually manifest as revenge. At the point of revenge, the person unknowingly becomes even more weak and vulnerable because they have given the person who offended so much more power over them.

Revenge leads to the loss of nobility and dignity. Revenge is a confession of pain and an admission of weakness to the wrong party. Mahatma Gandhi once said "an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind." Revenge has no intrinsic value. Revenge is a burden too heavy and unnecessary to carry.

One of my favourite quotes is by George Herbert, he said "living well is the best revenge." I think what this means is that, whoever treats you unfairly does not deserve your attention. If you need to cry or wallow in self pity for a minute to feel lighter and better, do it. But by all means, get on with your life. Invest your time and effort in what and who will reciprocate your gesture. It is infinitely more painful for you aggressor to see you doing well without them and despite them, than for them to fall into whatever revenge scheme you mastermind. You taking the time and effort to plot revenge means you still care and you are still hurt by their actions, which may be the truth but you should not give anyone that satisfaction, especially not someone who blatantly hurt you.

Bitterness

     Do not believe for one second that revenge will make you feel better. It may feel good for a second, but trust me feeling like you won will last much shorter than you think it will. Two wrongs never ever make a right. Marin Luther King, Jr. once said "never succumb to the temptation of bitterness."

I love this quote because it acknowledges that bitterness is a very easy destination when one starts travelling down the path of anger. Bitterness spreads much faster than anger ever will. Anger is a justifiable emotional response to certain situations and circumstances but bitterness never is. 

Bitterness leads to isolation. When one is bitter, they become toxic and venomous to those around them and slowly but surely, the people around realize this and begin to give them space. This is the last thing you need when you are hurting and going through such a difficult time. At times like this, you need the support of your family and friends not to push them away.

So, September, the next time someone does something to upset you, sort it out as soon as you can. Do not let it fester because trust me being bitter is no fun. Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not a favour to those who have offended you, it is a favour to yourself. Granted, it is extremely difficult to move past some circumstances but start putting in the work and start dealing with them. There is no time limit on forgiveness. Taking a few months to deal with your anger is better than spending the rest of your life to stop feeling bitter.

Mahatma Gandhi once said "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Be strong and forgive. Forgiving does not have to be forgetting. I'm not asking that you return to a sunny, positive relationship with those who have offended you. I'm asking that you let go of the weight of anger and if you have to let go of the relationship, to let go of the anger, so be it. Your peace of mind is worth a few toxic relationships. Give yourself the time you need to deal with the situation, do not ignore it, because soon enough you will no longer be in control.