I am...

Dear September,

            This is the one where I tell you who I am… My good friend Zoe invited me to see a dance show a couple of days ago and it inspired me to really think about my who I am. Over the years of my conscious life, I do not remember ever stopping to think about who I am. It has been very much a “I know so no need to tell” situation. However, I think writing about it and having to consciously think about it will be a visual reminder of what I have and where I want to be. So, this should be interesting for you and me both.

G I R L

This is the first thing I think about when I think about who I am. I think I am an independent, strong girl. I think a big advantage that we as girls have over boys is our intuition. So over the last couple of years, I've really began to take time to listen and become who I really want to be as opposed to who I think I need to be for the people around me. It has been scary but worth it and I continue to embrace discovering who I am and the path I am on. 

B L A C K

This is one I have struggled with the last couple of years. I only moved to Canada a little over three years ago. I grew up in Nigeria and then I moved to Ghana for two years before I came to Canada for university. So I was very much in a position where everyone was black so it really wasn't a thing to think about. Moving to Canada has definitely changed that: I am definitely forced to be aware of my race now, more than ever. I have noticed that sometimes people aren't outwardly racist, they just pigeonhole and judge and except you to be a certain way. Being reminded of my "blackness," has allowed to become a part of my community and express a passion and a side of my voice that I am not sure I knew existed, so I am grateful for that.

D A U G H T E R

I have very special relationships with both my parents, for which I am eternally grateful.

My dad is kind of like my life coach. He gives me advice on pretty much everything. He listens to my rants and kind of helps me make sense of the tornado that is my mind.

My mum is very much my friend and I'm not saying that for any other reason than it being the truth. When I think of who I want to be when I grow up, I think my mother. When I think about honesty and authenticity and unconditional love, I think my mother. She is the part of me that is fiercely honest, the part of me that always wants to find the silver lining.

S I S T E R

Ok, so I am the second of three girls and I have very different relationships with both my sisters. My older sister is extremely honest (putting it lightly) and funny and giving and amazing and beautiful and a big inspiration. So thinking of her pushes me to want the best for myself.

My little sister is my best friend in the whole world. She is the only person I don't feel pressure with. So when I think of her, I think of the part of me that's honest and a good friend. She is also extremely witty, sarcastic, smart and competitive so she inspires my personality in those ways too.

F R I E N D

This is another big one. It has only taken me twenty-one years but I am now in a place where I demand the same amount of respect I give my friends. Of course, this has led to me having less friends, as it probably should. I have also reached a place where I now enjoy my own company so I longer feel the need to force relationships.

One step further, I would say I have become selective with friends, it is not a thing of pride, it is a thing of self-respect and maturity. I realise that I am not going to get along with every single person I meet and that is alright. Also, I have realised that as I have began to come into my own and figure out what I want out of life, as I have grown and changed, I have seen a change in the type of people I attract. People get uncomfortable when you grow and change, especially when they are comfortable being stagnant.

B L O G G E R

Apart from my family and friends, this is what means the most to me. My blog is very much my thing, sometimes it feels like a part of me, it is my creative outlet. My writing is kind of like therapy to me. It allows me feel the way I want to and express myself without holding back. If I’m honest, I think blogging has given me the confidence to embrace my voice and stand up for myself. I do not like confrontation but blogging has given me the courage to initiate an honest conversation if I feel like I am being disrespected or ignored. So if you're reading this, thank you, because you are a gift that I am always grateful for.  

I was afraid for months to put my writing out there because I was afraid of being judged and criticised. Now, I would like to say I had an epiphany and I no longer care what people think but that is far from the truth. It is more like, I don’t really care to give negative people any time or attention.

I think the best part of blogging for me is looking back and seeing how much I've grown, not just as a writer but as a human being. This is extremely important especially when I feel stuck or overwhelmed with my life because my blog is a visual reminder that even though I'm not where I want to be, I'm not where I used to be.

S T U D E N T

I am currently pursuing a double major in employment relations and sociology at the University of Toronto. I'm also in my final year (all together.... Yay!)

Being a student has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. I think the most important lesson that being a student has taught me is perseverance. I have learned to stick it out when things do not go the way I want them to. I have learned that there are a thousand different ways to do everything, one just has to be patient enough to figure out what works.

I have also learned and am still learning self-management, time management and organizational skills. I have learned how to work effectively in a team and individually. I have learned to set goals and be strict with myself about them. 

I’ll be honest and admit that I started looking forward to graduation not long after I started attending classes. Like I said, being a student has been a part of my identity for as long as I can remember and I have been eager to take a break. However, as I draw closer to my graduation, I have also become a bit more nervous.

Being in school, as stressful as it is, has given my life a whole lot of direction. Without assignments due and tests and exams, I will actually get to do whatever I want, which for the first time, is a scary thought. I think that the main thing that scares me is actually getting to follow my dreams full time. I will actually get to put the time in to blogging that it needs and as exciting as this is, this also means that I will get an honest picture of my blogging future. I think this is the perfect case of "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it".

C H R I S T I A N

I am a Christian. Christianity is a relationship and I’ll admit, I have taken a lot more than I’ve given. I am not where I want to be in my relationship with God but I'm committed to working on it from this point, moving forward. God has been so kind to me because He has gone above and beyond in doing his part in our relationship and He continues to do so. I think because I have so much confidence in Him, I have taken our relationship for granted and I am not proud of that at all. So I am making a commitment to do my part and I can only take one step at a time on this long journey but I promise not to stand still.

N I G E R I A N

I think this is a part of my identity that has become more active in the past four or five years. About five years ago, I left Nigeria for the first time to go and study in Ghana. And for the first time, Nigeria became the minority. I suddenly began to feel the need to do my part to make sure I was seen as a Nigerian and Nigeria was seen in my community in school. After Ghana, I moved to Canada and being Nigerian continues to be the monitory but it also continues to play an active role. I go to a church that's predominantly Nigerian. I think being exposed to so many cultures has made me appreciate my own and see how mine has shaped who I am. In standing up for Nigeria, I have felt like I was standing up for myself. Any attack on Nigeria has felt personal, valid or not. I think it is also a thing about community and fellowship and authenticity. I see how faking an accent looks on the outside and it's not cute. 

This process of exploring the different segments of my personality has been therapeutic. It has made me realize that although these are on the surface, neither one is simplistic or exists on its own. They are all entangled and they all interact to make my life what it is.

So, September, this is who I am… for now. So don’t get too comfortable because I continue to embrace these and all the other parts of my personality I am yet to explore. I hope I change and evolve and continue to grow and become the woman I dream of being, whoever she is.

                                                                                                                                  All my love,

                                                                                                                                                     Nini