Dear September,
This is the one where I tell you,
well... not necessarily how to forgive but how I have learned to forgive.
DISCLAIMER: Like, everything on this
blog, this has worked for me but it is to be taken with a pinch of salt. I do
not claim to know everything, I am also learning and reflecting as I share.
Now, I know that this may seem
counterintuitive, in the sense that forgiveness does not seem like a complex
concept but it really can be. In the past, there are a lot of
times where I thought I had forgiven someone but I really hadn't.
I think it will be valuable to start with the ways
to know that you haven't forgiven someone who offended you.
You can't stop talking about it
If you are willing to tell every Tom, Dick and Harry how
so and so has done this and that, then you are clearly not over it. If you were
over it, you won't be able to bring yourself to spend time on the issue.
Telling everyone you know is throwing a tantrum and looking for a pity party.
Telling everyone you know is almost always in an effort to validate your
anger.
You can't stop thinking about it
I mean if your really close friend does something
very offensive then it's natural that you'd spend a lot of time thinking about
it. But when you truly make peace with the situation, you should be able to
stop thinking about it so often.
You don't honestly wish them well
I'll be the first to say that I'm a victim of this
one. I think I've moved on but when I see on Instagram that they are doing well
or what not, I secretly think "they are probably doing something
illegal" or "those shoes aren't even that nice." When I know
damn well that they are. And I'm spending time thinking about someone who could
not give two about me.
You spend time passively trying to prove to them that you're good
without them
Social media has inherently and inevitably
created a culture of cowardice. It has made confronting your issues and the people
who have offended sound archaic. Social media has made it so that everything is
a competition. When a couple breaks up, they use social media to show that they
are the best at getting over the break up. And, yes it looks as ridiculous as
it sounds. I mean it's extremely suspicious-looking when right after a break
up, your life is suddenly perfect and life is a fairytale. I think people
should put the time that they invest into social media into actually healing
and moving on.
Social media has also made it so that you
can subtly "throw shade" at certain people. It is the perfect space and platform for saying
everything without saying anything. Again, this requires effort, effort you
wouldn't care to give if you had truly moved on. It would just be so much easier
if we all just were honest and said how we feel.
You treat everyone else like they offended you
When you let your anger fester, it becomes
bitterness and everyone else begins to feel it too. Then this bitterness leads
to a lack of trust. Suddenly, you assume that everyone is untrustworthy until
proven otherwise, and this is no way to live. Soon enough people will notice and get tired of
overcompensating and apologizing for crimes they didn't commit. If it's too
late, you would have pushed out of your life, people that truly want the best
for you and that is a shame.
You want your mutual friends to pick sides
Are we twelve? If you cannot see how a person
who is totally neutral and uninvolved in the issue can be friends with you and
the person that offended you, you have certainly not moved on. Plus, I think it
is blatantly unfair to make a person choose between two of their friends. It is
punishing someone for something that has nothing to do with them. It is human,
but it is also extremely petty and unnecessary.
Ok, how to forgive...
Realize that it is not your fault
A lot of times, I unconsciously think I must
have done something to provoke them. Maybe I neglected them or maybe I was a
bad friend. But, at the end of the day, being a bad friend does not give people
a pass to actively do something that is mean and offensive.
The way a person chooses to treat you is not
a reflection of your character, it is a reflection of theirs. I don't doubt that you are not
perfect, but really who is? You were not wrong to trust them and you didn't
move too quickly, it is on them not you. Maybe the responsibility for the
demise of the relationship can be shared but for that specific thing they did
to piss you off, that's on them. You'll be surprised how much better you feel
once you realize this.
Have a conversation with them
You can never really tell what someone else
was thinking in a particular moment unless they tell you. Sometimes, a little
closure goes a very long way. A lot of the time, anger comes from your
imagination of who the person is, and a lot of the time, it is at least mildly
inaccurate.
Also if you do set up a conversation,
keep your expectations realistic. There is never really a very good reason to
hurt someone else. Do not talk immediately after the incident because the pain is
still fresh and so is your anger. Talking in that state can provoke you to say
things you don't really mean. In that state, you will listen to reply not to understand. Talk when you have a clear head and can trust
yourself to be calm. Note, I didn't say 'objective' because that is not
realistic. You are not going to all of a suddenly see their side perfectly and
understand why they hurt you. You are always going to be in your own corner.
Talk to your person about it
If this is your first time reading my blog,
your person is the one person who is always in your corner and always has
your back, no matter what. Because I'll admit it, when I'm annoyed I just want
to vent, I don't want to have a conversation with a person who will point out
how I was wrong and what I should have done differently. In that moment, I need
comfort not discipline. Because, honestly by the time you replay the events and
hear them as you are saying them, you would realize where you went wrong and
what you could have done differently. So, the role of your person is strictly
to point out that your feelings are valid and your anger and frustration is
understandable.
Talk to your mentor about it
Your mentor and your person cannot be the
same person. Your mentor and your person play two very different roles in your
life. Your mentor shouldn't be your friend. A friendship puts pressure on
people to be nicer and sugar coat things. A friend cannot
give you the tough love that you sometimes so desperately need in certain situations. A mentor will
always be honest and help you put everything in perspective and give you good
advice. A mentor is wise and has experienced more life than you have, so they are in a good position to help you figure out what you want to do about the situation.
Don't rush
I don't think I can emphasize this
enough. I think that it is important to not ignore or suppress your feelings
about the issue. A lot of times, people resort to this because dealing with
feelings can be an extremely painful and difficult process but it is necessary
to truly move on. If you are angry or upset, don't feel less, you are human and those
are valid feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. You cannot possibly truly
forgive unless you work through your feelings. Dealing with your anger makes it
so that, it is never able to turn into bitterness.
So, September, as the villain of my favourite television show, One Tree Hill, once said "Forgiveness is never easy. Bitterness is easy. Hatred is easy. But forgiveness that's a tough one. Sometimes people say things they don't mean or do things they can't take back. So we feed ourselves to starve the pain". I think what this means is that, a lot of times, we lash out, because we think it is what will make us happy and numb the pain but that kind of joy works for a minute at best and then wears off. I think what this means is that the fact that forgiveness is clearly the more difficult route is only proof that it is the one to be taken. The pain of working through your feelings is never as bad as the one you can inflict on yourself and the people you love, when you choose to ignore them.
All my love,
Nini
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