2018 Take Two...

      

     No, not the Instagram phenomenon... I mean literal goals. I mean writing at least one thing, hopefully a couple of things down, and looking at that list every day and taking conscious steps to get closer to where you want to be. And yes, I am talking about goals in February because... to be honest, January was a little touch and go, like it was far from what I wanted it to be. I think January taught me to grow at my own pace and focus on my own journey. Now, obviously I'm not totally healed of the cancer that is comparing myself to other people, but the difference is I am now conscious of the feelings and the people and the situations that lead me to comparing myself to other people. I know I can be quite lazy and I quite often find it difficult to be motivated but I have learned that action often comes before passion and enthusiasm. Thus, I have decided to DO. I have decided to figure out little steps I can take everyday to become comfortable in my own skin. Some days, it is writing on my blog, some days it is applying to a couple of jobs, some days it is Netflix and chilling by my own damn self. So yeah, I'm making to executive decision to disregard the 74 days of January and start again. I am starting again, fully aware of the things and the people that tempt me to make old mistakes. I am starting again knowing myself and my mind a little better. I am starting again, taking back my power from Kim Kardashian and her perfect body.

    “Meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters the exact same way.” The first time I heard these words, they were said by American actress Octavia Spencer, when she was delivering the commencement speech to the graduating class of 2017 at Kent State University. However, these words were originally written by a poet called Rudyard Kipling. In his poem “If,” Rudyard Kipling described the qualities that would set a person up for success. Treat triumph and disaster the exact same way. Treat triumph and disaster the exact same way. And the more I thought about it, the clearer it became that the only way to achieve this is by faith.

You see, triumphs and good things are God’s way of reassuring us that there are benefits to serving Him and it is practical to be a Christian. In good times, God gives us jollof rice and chicken and dodo and coleslaw. On the other hand, “disastrous” and trying times are God’s way of showing us that He has given us all we need to flourish. So maybe He doesn’t give you the jolly rice and all, but He gives you the tomatoes and the pepper and maybe you need to ask your neighbour for the onions and buy the live chicken. So maybe you need to chase and blend and cut and stir and boil and fry but the results can be the same. It’s all about perspective. God is there either way, what happens next is up to you. In hard and difficult times, it can be quite hard to see God at work but God being at work is not dependent on your ability to see Him. Faith isn’t waiting on God to show up, faith is going out and doing and expecting God to show up. So in 2018, Do… Lisa Price once said “you don’t have to have every single detail figured out before you venture out and do something.” Lisa Price is the founder of Carol’s Daughter, a line of natural hair products tailored to fit the unique texture of African and African American natural hair. It all started in her kitchen in Fort Greene, Brooklyn, mixing up concoctions, because nothing on the shelves worked for the texture of her hair. Soon enough, people noticed and slowly it turned into a business with real profit and momentum. Still, investors doubted the existence of a niche market and the profitability of the business. Today, every Black girl and her mother and her aunty use Carol’s Daughter products and the company is currently valued at $27 million.

So I agree with African-American actress Isa Rae when she says “there is so much creativity in brokeness.” Yes, money is great… obviously, but the lack of it is no excuse to stay where you are. Network! Maybe you don’t have money but if you meet the right people and you have the right idea, money will come. Yeah, you don’t have money but who is sitting next to you? Chances are your struggles are quite similar, and you can work together or maybe they know someone who you would want to meet, but you won’t know unless you speak to them. 

       Surround yourself with people who speak positively and who you can depend on keep the faith. When you have a problem, what do your friends say? Do they say “ahh you’re done... It's over” or do they say “so this way didn’t work, have you thought about doing it this way? Or talking to this person?” Surround yourself with solution providers.

Set goals in faith and take steps of faith. You see, I am a master at setting goals. I use different colours. I highlight, I draw little butterflies and hearts and everything. It is the following through that hasn’t been as strong. And then I went through a phase where I didn’t believe in goal setting and New Years resolutions because in my mind, they were setting me up for failure. These are the kinds of things you start to believe when you give your power to other people. So, I would set goals like; I want to work for a good company like KPMG, or Google, or Facebook, all while having no real interest and making no real effort with networking and all the things I should have been doing in addition to getting good grades. So of course, by the middle of the year, I’d adjust my goals, in fact my goals would become prayer points because only God could have worked the kind of magic, the kind of miracle I wanted to happen. And I’d say prayers like “Lord, please give me any job” and just end up settling and feeling like a failure, so what was the point of putting myself through this over and over again? But now I know better, I have learned how to fail better. I know that when you fail, you don’t change your goals, you change your plan or change your attitude. You are supposed to be stubborn with your goals but flexible with your plan. You are supposed to do anything and everything but give up, because that is what changing your plan is. Giving up. Changing your plan is giving up because it is essentially you admitting defeat and you saying that you don’t think you have what it takes to achieve the goals you set out for yourself, which maybe you don’t. But again, this is where I have gotten it wrong in the past and most people do. Most people change their minds and decide to pursue something else when they notice their inadequacy but as a child of God, this is where you should give way for God because He is all sufficient. Giving up is worse when you are child of God because it is not only selling yourself and the power and the magic you possess short, it is also selling your God short. It is an insult to God. One of my biggest fears in life is public speaking, and well… and sharing my thoughts publicly, period… and look, I have done it a couple of times now, and they have gone alright, I think, I hope. If you’ve heard me speak publicly and you hated it, please don’t tell me, I like my version better. My point is the only time when changing your mind about what you want isn’t giving up is when you are moving from your own plan for your life to God’s plan.

In the year 2018, I will do things differently. Starting from now (because let’s not talk about January), I will take specific actions to achieve my goals and to make sure I do everything I can to be the woman I want to be. This year I will do things I am terrified of not because I will no longer be afraid, but because I am confident that God will walk into every room I walk into and be in every conversation I have. In 2018, I will surround myself with good people but at the same time, I will do my best not to compare myself to anyone. I will do my best to embrace my own journey because the best and most successful people are not perfect and they don’t claim to be, they are just willing to grow and adapt and be better versions of themselves. In 2018, I will take back power over my thoughts and actions. In 2018, I will stop letting what people may think, have such a hold on me, because people often don’t know what they think. In 2018, I will treat triumph and disaster, the exact same way because I am confident that God has my back 100% and I hope you will too.

Have an amazing 2018!

   

I'm not going to burst your bubble

      Anaïs Nin once said “Had I not created my own world, I would certainly have died in other people’s.” Before I begin, can I just say that this is probably one of favourite quotes of all time, but it definitely was not love at first sight. Initially, it all felt too narcissistic, conceited, a little too self-absorbed. The realist and the cynic in me were immediately alarmed at the thought and the suggestion of living a life that ignored all the bad and negative in the world. But this was just it, the quote was not trying to suggest that there was no bad and evil in the world or that the only life worth living, was one in a bubble, devoid of any of that darkness. It is quite the opposite, it encourages one to not ignore the darkness or try to avoid it, while simultaneously reminding us of the light and choice that we do possess. We all have our own personal demons and darkness so there is no need to take on the ones of other people, no matter how close they are to us or how obliged we feel. The connotation for the word or the idea of a “bubble” is one that invokes thoughts of youth and foolishness and unrealistic expectations of the “real world,” whatever that is, but I think this quote in particular endorses a different type of bubble. A bubble for protection not separation or ignorance, one that allows you to live life and not avoid it, be aware of your surroundings but not let life make you hard or break your focus.
I think Anaïs Nin wanted us as individuals to realize the power that we have to create a world we want to live in, rather than try to cope with a world that has been created for us. I think that us as individuals are in the greatest position to create your own happiness and as we know, happiness is a journey not a destination, a choice not an ultimatum. This quote reminds us that it is our duty to continue to choose to create our own happiness and that we are enough the way we are. We all have everything we need to be happy but in the same token, happiness is a unique phenomenon to every individual. This means that trying another person’s recipe for happiness in our own broth often and inevitably leads to misery. Thus, I think that comparison can easily becomes the thief of joy and competition has the potential to quickly become toxic and unhealthy.
Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar for Best Actor at the 2014 Oscars for his brilliant performance as Ron Woodroof in the film “Dallas Buyers Club” and his acceptance speech was everything, literally one of the most inspiring ones I have ever seen. He talked about being asked too often how he is so successful but still manages to stay so happy, motivated and humble. And if I know anything about Hollywood, I know that it is one of the most difficult places to gain any level of success in, let alone staying relevant and original and maybe even happy. I also know that it is extremely competitive and it is built in such a way that comparison seems inevitable, so yes Matthew McConaughey is especially qualified to offer advice about authenticity and focus and maintaining happiness in such a toxic environment. He said in his speech that he channels all his focus and attention to the three most important things in his life. He said the three most important things in his life and world are; something to look up to, something to look forward to and someone to chase. Apart from the fact that this made for quite the emotional speech, his words also haunted me and made me re-evaluate my own life.

Like Matthew McConaughey, I look up to God. Whenever I feel confused or uncertain, I pray. Maybe I hurl out a few obscenities first, and maybe I cry a little and of course, there is always a way to blame white people but somewhere between the middle and the end, I pray. I’d love to say I pray and it instantly gives me peace and I know for sure that everything will be amazing but that is just not my experience. Sometimes I feel so distraught and uncertain and panicked that I pray because I feel like its the right thing to do and because it is better than just waiting. But I can assure that I have seen and had things happen in my life that absolutely cannot be explained through science or logic. So maybe I don’t always feel God close or I let my shortcomings and my guilt scare me into thinking God doesn’t care and I can do bad all by myself but He does and I cannot. I am also the Christian that forgets to pray when things are good but reads the Bible and prays ten times a day when I have an exam or when I need something. But God in his infinite mercy is just always kind to me and always come through. I am not joking when I say God is the plug.
Like Matthew McConaughey, I look forward to my family. I look forward to making my parents and my sisters proud more than anybody else. I know that I can fail because they love me for who I am not what I am. My family is my rock, my heart and my backbone. Because of them, I feel that my dreams are valid and it is my duty to speak up, take my place in the world and make my voice heard. I also look forward to my best friends. I look forward to conversations we have and I look forward to how much they challenge me to learn and grow and be the best version of myself. Before I met my friend, Zoë, my writing was just a hobby, I mean I had a blog and everything but in my mind, it was never going to go anywhere. When I met her, she immediately challenged me, just with the conversations we had and how seriously she took and still takes her modelling and dancing. I realized that maybe there is more uncertainty and more rejection and more red tape within the arts but there is also more freedom and more joy for me personally. I have since completed my first public reading and started writing a book and creating content for my documentary.
Like Matthew McConaughey, I chase my heroes, my mentors and role models, both in fashion and in life. People who have directly and indirectly taught me things about life. I listen to their stories and I study their journeys, I take comfort in the fact that they were all just like me, maybe even worse off but I also brace myself because I know that like them, the challenges ahead are inevitable. But even that is not so scary today, because I chase change… that’s a lie, I hate change. Well… hate is a strong word. Let’s just say change is not my favourite thing in the world but it is the only constant thing so I am consciously changing my attitude towards it. I am actively training myself to be more open-minded and give up some control because how much control do I actually have to begin with? I think there is no such thing as an ideal world, so maybe it is more about focusing on what’s important and separating what is worth worrying over from what is not, rather than creating an ideal world filled with unicorns and rainbows and cotton candy.

August 12, 2017

Charlottesville, Virginia

August 12th, 2017: The day we failed as humans

Heather Heyer, a victim of the recent clash between the “Unite the Right” white nationalists and counter protesters in Charlottesville, Virginia, last post on social media read; “If you are not outraged, then you are not paying attention” and those words are truer now than when she wrote them, believe it or not. Paying attention is no longer a suggestion, it is no longer a choice because as it stands, your life may depend on it. I find it worrisome and troubling that ex-president Barack Obama and former presidential candidate Hilary Clinton have put out stronger and more direct criticisms of the recent events than current president Donald Trump and vice president Mike Pence. For little President Donald “Twitter fingers” Trump, always smart in the mouth and on hand to offer his two cents, this is awfully quiet. For an event as blatantly racist and bigoted and hate-driven as this, President Trump has chosen his words a bit too carefully. In my mind, it is very simple, any form of silence or attempt at political correctness at this point is silent and indirect approval. Let’s call it what it is, Donald Trump has created an America where a bunch of white, pro-Nazi Nationalists feel comfortable and secure enough in their white privilege and within the law, enough and so much so that they convince themselves that they can wage war and not expect to be fought. They go about such bigoted acts of hatred and contempt with the confidence that they will remain relatively anonymous. They attempt to hold press conferences to rub in our faces the fact that their hatred and racism and animalistic beliefs have been institutionalized and normalized and until we tell them otherwise, they feel that they are within their rights to freedom of speech. It is the same way a police man can shoot a black man at close range and not expect any action to be taken against him. 

Throughout his presidential campaign, Trump actively and passively endorsed this mindset and this kind of behaviour. The vice president criticized the media, saying it devoted more time to Trump's statement than it did to the people who engaged in the violence. Ironically, it is that exact statement that makes one of the worst terrorist attacks in the history of the United States about one man. Pence’s insinuation that the media is somehow bullying Trump by scrutinizing and spreading his reaction to the recent events is worrying. Somehow multiple people are dead and we are playing the blame game. This is worrying but it is not surprising, Trump has built his entire administration on face value. It is same reason why the first thing we hear from one of the  white men who took part in the "Unite the Right" protest (pictured above) is that he LOOKS like a monster, not that he is wrong or he apologizes for his actions, it's that the photographer did not get his "good side." This makes me remember Heather Heyer’s words because weirdly enough, Trump and his entire administration do not seem in any way outraged or even uncomfortable with the situation. Trump seems just as indifferent and nonchalant as the participants, about what in my mind is the worst case scenario. Yes some people are definitely more to blame than others and yes, Trump and his administration take a huge chunk of that blame, but this is not the issue and most people know it. Pence’s attempt to change the narrative is weak and unreliable and invalid at best. The very concept of democracy is built on the backs of people like Heather Heyer and on the foundations of freedom of speech and freedom of protest and on equality. It's all just a huge double-standard. The fact that a group of white males can protest and champion a concept that suggests that they are somehow better than other people solely based on the colour of their skin and honestly think they can get away with it, but the woman who also exercises her right to protest and champions an opposing view loses her life in the process. Contrary to popular opinion, this is definitely not the first time that people and the general public have had no reaction to matters of racism and hatred and violence and prejudice and bigotry. Mike Brown, Philando Castille, Sandra Bland, Trayvon Martin, no? 

I think we have failed as humans and we have being failing for a long time. I think we are lost. I think the lines between what is right and what is wrong are continuing to be so blurred that they become beyond recognition. The only way to not be outraged and distressed is if you are not paying attention and if you are not paying attention, then I am sorry but you are not human and you are a part of the problem.  So maybe you feel like you don't directly face any harm or maybe you feel like you don’t have any answers and maybe you don't fully understand the situation and maybe you feel like “little” you being silent will not have any effect but that is not necessarily true and that does not in any way render you helpless. There is so much information to be gained and so much knowledge to be had. Regardless of whether you know it or not, whether it is intentional or not, you are saying something, your actions always have consequences and you have power and you influence today what happens tomorrow. The earlier you realize your power, the better your chances of using it for good. Michelle Obama says it best when she says “you may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all of the world's problems at once but don't ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that course can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own.”

Willpower and Foresight

Julia Child once said “Find something you are passionate about and keep tremendously interested in it” but what most of you don't know is that, Julia did it. She realized early enough what not many people do; with such simple words she shows us that she realized to success in the long run early enough. Julia realized that one needs willpower and foresight. Finding something you can continue to be passionate about requires at least a little bit of foresight, and keeping tremendously interested in said passion, requires a good amount of willpower.

I recently graduated from university (probably the 10,024th time I’ve said it) and I’ll tell you now, the question I have been asked the most is some variation of “what are your plans?” and I am not joking when I say answering it gives me a level of anxiety that physically affects me. I don't get anxiety because I do not have an answer, I get anxiety because I fear that I don't have the right answer. And this is crazy to me, the thought and the insinuation that there is a right answer to a question like that. I am not saying this to be philosophical or anything, I just can't imagine that the answer can be the same or even similar for any two individuals so I don't see how you can measure the correctness of a person’s response. 

But I think I have only been feeling anxious because I have been doing it all wrong. Over the past couple of months, I have put so much pressure on myself to have the right answer and get validation from everyone but myself, to have a plan and that’s important but it is not worth losing your sanity over. I have tried to sugarcoat the fact that I am unemployed and it sucks. I have tried to sugarcoat the fact that I want a job that I enjoy because I fear that it makes me sounds naive and lazy and unwilling to lay the ground work. I know it sounds cliché but I think the most important part of finding your passion is doing what you do better than most people and doing what makes you truly happy, as often as possible. I worry that being unemployed would make me desperate enough to resort to doing a job I do not like, I already see it in the way I apply for jobs. As the days go by, I feel like I am becoming more and more willing to compromise on what I want and do just any job and we all know that the longer you spend within a profession, the harder you get stuck and the less time you spend within a profession, the harder it is to establish credibility and a good reputation, which you are nothing without credibility and a good reputation. 

I guess this is where knowledge becomes a blessing and a curse because I also know that to develop an perseverant passion for something, you have to figure out who you are as a human being and what makes you special and that can take months or years even. I think developing foresight is only intimidating when you focus all your energy on the end goal. I think foresight is a lot less scary and a lot more within reach when you make it your own, when you break it down into little things you can do daily to protect your energy and grow into the person you hope to become. I think the part of foresight that makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious is the waiting part. I do not believe in or should I say I am not patient enough for the ‘waiting for it to come to you’ part. I think waiting is only an option when you have done everything you can think to do and even I believe in going back to the drawing board and figuring out what you can you be doing different. Julia Child says “find” not “dream” or “wait for”, thus there is at least some action involved or at least that is the way I see it. The best way and probably the only way to truly figure out whether or not you like something is to do it.

In my opinion, having foresight is less about trying to predict the future and more about making the present extraordinary (which is a little hard to do when you are awkward and broke but nonetheless, doable) and learning from the past. By making the most of your present, you inevitably create a personalized recipe for happiness that you can continue to draw on and tweak as you grow and evolve and become more comfortable in your own skin. I agree with Peter Drucker when he says “the best way to predict the future is to create it” because no one can make you as happy as you can make yourself.  One of the first steps I have taken over the last couple of weeks to find or maybe rediscover my passion for writing and creating engaging content is to make an effort to set up conversations with people who are honest, people who own their truth and people who may not have every last detail of their life figured out but are willing to adapt and change and learn how to be the best version of themselves. I have done this because I know that this is where I am my happiest and I think this is where willpower comes into the equation. I think that a lot of the time we know what would make us happy, we just are discouraged by the effort and discipline it will take to follow through.

Willpower is about learning and having the courage to hold on to new knowledge and make it your own. Maybe as many people do, we get it wrong on the first try, willpower gives us the strength we need to keep moving forward. I have found that following your passion requires a good amount of courage and even then, there is still a struggle and a lot of doubt that one has to deal with on a daily basis and unfortunately I haven't gotten to a place where I can confidently say it is worth it. but I can say that I hope for you and me both that it is worth it. I think that willpower is about having the discipline and the tenacity to keep focused on and interested in your dream and putting the work when it is easy and more importantly, when you encounter the inevitable losses and failure and it gets hard to stay interested. I recently learned while listening to one of my favourite podcasts, that one can be extremely passionate about something even when there are parts of it that they do not enjoy. It is about sticking it out during those hard times and resisting the temptation to quit. I love writing more than anything else but I have a degree in Employment Relations and Sociology (which would naturally lead me into a career in the Human Resources field aka the easier route) so I know all about that struggle. 

Whenever I have writer’s block or a lack of inspiration or I get rejected from a job I really want, I immediately begin to lose interest and doubt my writing capabilities and ability to establish a career. I begin to unconsciously look for jobs within Human Resources, which these jobs are definitely easier to find and get traction with, so it is nothing but a coping mechanism, but this is where difficult decisions have to be made. I know I will not enjoy these jobs in the long run so I have to decide what’s more important to me, immediate money and validation or actually doing something meaningful. The only thing is, the fact is I am currently unemployed and I have the stack of rejection letters to prove it. I am not going to sit here and not address the gigantic elephant in the room, rejection sucks and maybe developing thick skin is a part of the process but I am sick of people acting like not having the structure of a job is all unicorns and sleeping in and watching Netflix all day, it is excruciating and I think it makes me feel a whole lot better to say it out loud and hear people say it as well, so I can be that person for you if you need it. Being unemployed is like having daddy issues, it plays on your self-esteem and your ability to see your own worth. You know you have no business looking for certain jobs because you have the mind and the degree and the experience to prove that you are better than that, but in the mind of an unemployed person, having a shitty job is better than having no job.

This is not to say that regular office jobs cannot be meaningful, this is just to say that I know myself well enough to know that I need a role and a career that would allow me to be creative and able to pursue my many, many personal interests. And this is lovely but I worry about my current failures, my inability to gain traction and the kind of following I want. I worry that I am just wasting my time and delaying the inevitable. I worry that I am not good enough the way I am and that I would have to change who I am to gain success within social media. I also know that the people who are able to gain long term success are the ones who are weird and quirky and able to provide a unique perspective. But again change can be a good thing because maybe I need to try harder or try a different angle. It is hard to decipher what kind of change is selling out and what kind of change is necessary to make progress. I know that gaining a committed audience and online traction is most difficult in the beginning so I have to focus on continuing to consistently put out great content especially on days when I don't feel like it, just a lot easier said than done. I guess I haven't ended this is in a large, pretty, ambiguous but pretty nonetheless, bow because I am just now figuring things out for myself. I guess all I can say is I want to get more comfortable being uncomfortable. I want to get more confident being uncertain. I don't want to shrink back just because something isn't easy. I want to push back, and make room in the area between I can't and I can (as stolen from Instagram).

Mood Swings and Mixed Feelings

Dear September,
This is the one where we talk about mood swings and mixed feelings, because I am, after all, the queen of mood swings and mixed feelings, which is just a cute way of saying I am wildly indecisive, I can’t ever make up my mind and I'm impossible but it’s ok (or at least, that’s what I am telling myself). You see, I was not always like this. I used to be a rational human being with the ability to make up her mind but the University of Toronto ended that for me. Speaking of the University of Toronto, I just graduated with Honours from what is arguably the most prestigious institution in Canada but I have mixed feelings about that too. Granted, when I remember how hard I worked to get here, I feel good and proud and like I have earned the right to do whatever I want. Unfortunately, sometimes that feeling of bliss and contentment is taking away and replaced with this whole other pressure of “figuring it out.” I mean, if I learned anything in the last couple of weeks leading up to graduation and the days after, it is that the mind is a very strong thing. Every single person who I had a conversation with about graduating, warned me about the anxiety and the urge to figure everything out, but I somehow managed to do exactly what they warned me against. I guess it just goes to show that you can't really decide how you want to feel about certain situations.

Don't misunderstand me, I mean I definitely feel happy and grateful because there are so many people who would kill to be in my position. There are so many people who want an education but this is just not an option for them. There are so many people who had to work full-time in order to pay their way through school but I was blessed to have my parents support me financially throughout my time at school. But you see my mind is set up in such a way that this feeling of gratitude quickly turns into guilt. I feel bad for feeling confused and for not knowing exactly what I want to do next. I feel like I have been given this incredible gift and this window of opportunity and not knowing what to do with it is a waste and I’ll tell you now, that feels heavy. Then there the whole other struggle of feeling like a baby and a person without serious problems. Apart from the guilt that comes with being 22 and not really knowing what I want, there is also the guilt of feeling sorry for myself in the midst of the crises in London; terrorist attacks and burning buildings and police brutality. This is what occupies my thoughts, but the thing is, this is what feels most real to me and I can't help that.
In the last couple of months, I begun comparing myself to everyone around me and as we all know, comparison is the thief of joy. Harold Coffin once said “Envy is the art of counting another’s blessings instead of your own” and I became an expert at counting other people’s blessings. I compared myself to my older sister who had a great job months before she graduated and my younger sister who is incredibly smart and has all the time in the world because she is still in first year of university. I compared myself to my friends who know exactly what they want and consistently push themselves and surprise me with their wit and wisdom and pure talent. In my mind, everyone who is not me seemed to be better off than I am, which is a lie but that hasn't stopped me yet. Slowly but surely, the negative thoughts turned into self-pity and that’s not ok. Instead of stopping yourself, you become crippled by your thoughts and you go down the rabbit hole of doing absolutely nothing. As a person who is just now climbing out of said rabbit hole, I’ll tell you, it is hard and exhausting and no fun at all but it has to be done.

The first step I have taken to climb out of the rabbit hole is I have made a conscious decision to stop comparing my actual life right now to people’s lives on social media. As we all know, social media is at best, an illusion. On social media, a person has complete control of what their life is and appears to be, which is not the case in reality. I found that a lot of my anxiety stemmed from the fact that I was not where I thought I should be at this time in my life. I felt and sometimes still feel like I should have certain things figure out that haven't quite happened for me yet. And I mean this is fair enough, but the flaw here is that I was making assumptions on where I should be, not based on goals that I had set for myself but based on what I saw other people doing and this is unhealthy. You see, there are only two options open to you when you compare yourself to others. You either never quite measure up and develop a permanent chip on your shoulder or you measure up and completely lose sight of who you are as a human being. Thus, the only way out of such misery is focus on you and your own journey. By all means, enjoy social media but remember that it is not life. There are many ways to reach happiness but no matter how hard you try, trying to be someone else is not one of them. So, trust me, you are not crazy and happiness is a feeling that often comes and goes. Happiness seems like it should be easy and uncomplicated but it really isn’t. Happiness is an uphill battle because it often takes on different meanings as you grow and evolve, so there is always going to be a little sadness in happiness. Happiness is often moving on to something better but we tend to forget that this also means leaving something behind. It is through feeling sad and lost and alone that you can truly discover what makes you truly happy.

Chicken wings and Muffin tops

        Anaïs Nin once said… not a goddamn thing about muffin tops or chicken wings, that’s for sure because you see there are more important discussions to be had, but are there really? I mean this feels pretty important and for those of you who don't know… muffin top (n.): a roll of fat visible above the top of a pair of women’s tight-fitting low-waisted pants. I have a very complicated relationship with my muffin top, some days I feel empowered by it, like it is evidence that I have control over my own body. That’s a lie. I hate it, I absolutely hate it, I hate the way it folds over my jeans, so bold and entitled. Like this your own fault boo, why did eat that many chicken wings?” Speaking of chicken wings… chicken wing (n.): a blob of fat in between the shoulder and elbow, the fat people equivalent of a “bicep”, most visible when one stretches their arm.
If you are like me (which I really, really, really hope you are) then without fail, like clockwork, every year, in January, when you set your goals for the year, you include “lose 20 pounds” or “go to the gym” or “take a one-hour walk everyday” to the list. And then, you either totally ignore it and then begin to develop #summerbody anxiety right around this time of the year or you act like you were high when you wrote it. Don't get me wrong, I’d love to be the girl who comforts you and says your folds and flabs don't define you and choosing not to work out or fit into the society’s ideal notion of beauty makes you courageous and noble but it does NOT. And I’m sorry but if you constantly worry about your weight or if looking in the mirror gives you anxiety, then get off your butt and do something about it. Trust me I have been that girl, the one that insists that there is something fundamentally wrong with the way we have been taught to approach our bodies as girls and I mean there is, but not in the way that it somehow comforts you and justifies your laziness. In the way that it is blatantly unfair for a girl to feel like someone else has the power to tell her how she should look.
It is true that there is something about the narrative and discourse around body image, especially on social media that has made healthy and attractive synonymous with skinny or Kim Kardashian and it definitely does not sit right with me. What is most important is the way you see yourself, the subjective picture or mental image you have of your own body, not your actual physical size. While, these two concepts may seem synonymous, they are very often extremely different. For starters, one’s actual size is not subjective, it is what the reading is on the scale. One’s body image, however, is a purely psychological phenomenon but make no mistake, it has very real, very physical consequences. It is very important that these thoughts are not overlooked because what starts in your head can easily manifest in the way you see yourself and ultimately, the way you choose to live your life.
In terms of social media, to be honest, I just feel cheated and ignored, I feel like the only body type that is talked about favourably is the “Kim Kardashian, Nicki Minaj,  tiny waist, big butt, coke-bottle type body.” Honestly, it bothers me even more that no one points out the one clear fact that has literally walked out of our minds, climbed up on our shoulders and slapped us rosy on both cheeks… I mean, it is at least a little bit unhealthy to strive for a body type that is basically unattainable without the help of old Dr. Hollywood. And while we are it, let’s talk about how being healthy is slowly becoming high culture; just another thing people hold over each other’s heads. People seem to be jumping on the “healthy lifestyle” bandwagon the same way everyone you know has suddenly become a Stephen Curry or Lebron James fan? and frankly, I cannot be arsed.
I know, I know that it sounds bad and of course I want to be healthy, just not in the way I feel like it is being forced down my throat. I mean, enough with the waist trainers and diet pills and protein shakes, ok? It is hard enough finding a balance between social media; that somehow manages to convince you that the only life worth living is one in which you can fit into size 2 jeans and being in a Nigerian family where everyone worries about the size 2 cousin. Unfortunately, the warm, fuzzy, comforting, feeling you get after a good home cooked meal, fizzles off somewhere in between the first few bites and being too full to function and it pretty much turns into a seemingly unending cycle of guilt. You see, I was going to try to tie this all up in a nice big bow and tell you something witty and ambiguous but at the same time, mildly comforting and somewhat profound but I got nothing ok? I guess it is a little bit more difficult to give advice when you haven't totally figured it out for yourself.

Stress and Anxiety and Fear

        Anaïs Nin once said “we do not see things the way they are, we see them as we are,” and I love this quote because it encompasses a fundamental difference between stress and anxiety. We as humans, are in the business of making certain situations out to be a thousand times worse than they really are. We do the best job of projecting our feelings to our situations and it really does not serve us. Having a particularly difficult day can make you feel stressed but you convincing yourself that one bad day means you have a bad life is anxiety. And when you let anxiety fester, it becomes fear, which is more permanent and difficult to deal with. 

The first thing I want you to know about stress; is that it is the only one of the three that can be controlled. The Oxford Dictionary defines stress as “a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances.” Thus, stress is the easiest to deal with because there is a trigger, something you can identify as the source, whether it is school or work or whatever. Knowing the cause or root of the problem is a good place to start in searching for a solution, no? In terms of dealing with stress, I would love to be the girl that suggests a bath, or a long walk and reassures you that everything will sort itself out and I mean if that works for you, then please do it. Unfortunately, I am too much of a realist, so I guess my advice to you would be to get a journal where you can make lists of everything you need to get done and timelines and such and pretty much just get them done. For me, I think school work and like, having twelve different things due in one week was a main source of stress for me. So yeah, there were many lists and calendar notifications and alarms on my phone. 

Quick tip #1: I made it a point to take little breaks in betweens study sessions or as I ticked things off my list. 

Quick tip #2: I did not go on social media during my breaks because if you have Instagram, you know what I mean when I say that a quick 10 minute break can easily turn into full-on hour-long stalking session.

Anxiety is quite difficult to deal with, because there cannot be a clear-cut way to deal with a situation that is yet to exist. The best you can do is deal with your feelings about the said situation, because make no mistake, those feelings are very real. In that way, I guess the first thing to do is to focus on what is actually real. Going through life is like learning to swim, it is best to start at the shallow end and make small steps in the direction you feel is right for you. It is true that swimming in the shallow end of the pool is no less difficult than swimming in the deep end but it feels safer when we remember that if we begin to drown, we can just stand up. With swimming, as you build your confidence you can move away from the walls and the shallow end towards the deep end. In the same way, in life, as you build your confidence and become more comfortable in your own skin, you become more comfortable with uncertainty and the unknown. The second thing to do when you begin to feel anxious is to think, speak and surround yourself with positivity. This is because, anxiety often cripples you and makes you feel helpless, thus controlling the energies around you is pretty much, the only way to take back some of that control. Besides, having good people around you who listen and relate and make you laugh, serves as a good distraction  and it forces you to get out of your own head.

To be honest, I think the thing that gives me the most anxiety is my writing, mainly because it is the most important thing to me, so it can quite difficult to truly let go when I publish an article on my blog. I am at the point where I struggle with my content, in terms of deciding whether to tailor my articles fit into the mainstream fold of blogging or to stay true to myself. I know that it would be easier to develop an audience and more inspiration readily available around makeup and fashion and stereotypical “girly” topics but I agree with Rupi Kaur when she says “your art is not about how many people like your work, your art is about if your heart likes your work, if your soul likes your work, it is about how honest you are with yourself and you must never trade honesty for reliability.” I guess I just wish it was easier and a bit less lonely.

Fear is a little bit tricky because by definition, it fails to make a distinction between physical and emotional triggers. However, more times than not, fear manifests itself in the same way and it sets in as a direct result of anxiety that is left to fester. I think the first step to take when dealing with fear is realizing the domino effect and the negativity it attracts. Fear is just like a dark cloud that hovers over everything you do. Because fear is relentless and in most cases, it has brewed over a long period of time, there is no quick fix. Thus, it is important not to try and rush through the process. As you can probably tell, I write a lot, and I find the writing process quite cathartic, in that, it allows me to get rid of negative energy in a way that still allows me to recognize that it is real, which is the perfect set up. 

One of my biggest fears is ending up less than euphoric. Bill Patterson once said “everyone seeks happiness, not me though, that’s the difference between between me and the rest of the world, happiness is not good enough for me, I demand euphoria” and I share his sentiment. In my mind, happiness is not an abstract concept because I know exactly what it means to me. I know that I want my parents and my sisters to find the kind of happiness I speak of. I know that I want to have friends that easily become family and family that I am friends with. I know that I want to build a community online where girls like me, feel a little less lonely and a little more spoken for. I know that I want a Sunday kind of love. I know I want to raise children who are kind and courageous enough to be exactly who they are. I know I want to have more blessings than prayer requests and I know that I want to feel God close to me. So, maybe seeing things the way they are is a little overrated, maybe it is good that we see things the way we are because even though we are human and emotional, if we put in the effort to make sure that stress does not turn to anxiety and anxiety never gets to fear, then I think flawed as we are, we will be alright.