"Style: because your personality isn't the first thing people see"

Dear September,

            This is the one where I tell you to focus all your attention on your style not on fashion because your personality isn’t the first thing people see. Your style should be intentional and deliberate, it should send a message and tell a story, because it does. Whether it is telling your story or not, the way you look always tells a story.

            Iris Apfel, my spirit animal is popular for saying “more is more, and less is a bore.” I think this assertion is important for three reasons. First, because the other popular saying is “less is more,” which means that women should strive to look good but in an effortless, subtle, demure way. This assertion signifies a woman giving permission to other women to express themselves without judgment. It gives them permission to dress how they want not how they think they should dress.

Second, this assertion is important because it encourages creativity and open-mindedness. People often find what works for them and stick to it, with what they wear and how they live. Which is not wrong but it is basic and a waste of the magic that they possess, and not too mention, no fun at all.

Third, Iris Apfel will be ninety-five in a week. This is an important detail because we live in a society that attaches a certain stigma and shame to age. Being young is often synonymous with looking good. Iris Apfel is living proof that, as cheesy as it sounds, age is nothing but a number and true style never dies. Women, especially, begin to dress different when they get older. They feel it is their responsibility to look conservative and dress a certain way. Now, I agree with adapting your style to the stage of life you are in. What I disagree with is looking like a hag at 35 and giving the excuse that you are a now a mother. By all means wear more “respectable” clothes when you become a mother if that is what makes you comfortable but life does not lose color when you have a child or reach a certain age and neither should you. By making this statement, Iris Apfel dispels this notion that women especially have to dress a certain way when they become a certain age.

            Style has so much more to offer than fashion ever will…

Courage.

            This is the ability to do something that frightens one. This quality is the very essence of true style. Style involves taking risks, and being comfortable with these risks inevitably spills over into every aspect of one’s life. Admittedly, this may feel to you, like a repetition of the points I raised with “self-confidence” but I assure you, there is a very important difference between the two. Self-confidence is “I can pull off this outfit.” Courage is “this outfit is different but I am going to wear it despite the fact that I may be criticized or judged.” Self-confidence does not care about opinions; courage does but chooses to live through the opinions and judgment. “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to process inspite of it, while self-confidence is a faith or certainty in your ability to do something.” Self-confidence is affected by failure and defeat and obstacles but; courage is not. Style thrives on self-confidence but it requires courage to persevere.

Resilience

            Resilience is the quality of and the ability to return to an original shape after being pulled, stretched, presses, bent, etc. Having true style requires that you accept the fact that many times people will disagree with your choices and bully you for it. When you make an unpopular choice, it is likely to make basic people feel uncomfortable. Resilience is understanding the fact that people will have opinions but they can only affect you if you let them. Granted, we are all human, so we are susceptible to feeling hurt but to be successful and make the most of life, you cannot afford to dwell on these feelings. Feeling less as a result of another person’s words is a waste of time and no one deserves to have that much power over you. It is the people who have nothing to invest in, that offer their two cents so willingly.

Authenticity.

            As Ralph Lauren once said “Style is personal, it has nothing to do with fashion.” I think this assertion just reiterates the fact that style, true style is intertwined with authenticity. Being authentic is representing one’s true nature or beliefs, being true to oneself. Authenticity cannot be faked or bought. You are either one way or not; there is no grey area. Style is personal, not in the sense that it cannot be shared but rather in the sense that it does not need to be validated by anyone else.

            Iris Apfel once said “when you don’t dress like everyone else you don’t have to think like everyone else.” This means that by choosing to not to live by following trends, you choose to live life outside the box and away from your comfort zone, always two steps ahead. This means that when you embody a style that is truly yours and authentic, you won’t be expected to be fashionable. Being fashionable is being able to follow trends, being stylish allows you to set the trends for other people to follow. Being stylish comes with a sense of maturity, which comes

            It is important to know that being authentic often requires you to be unconventional, which would most likely be met with some resistance. People will call you weird and strange and quirky… if they are kind. However, it is important to stick to it and give it time because soon enough those people will follow suit. Many people start out following their hearts but many also become too weak to keep fighting for what they believe in, so they give in to what is popular. They forget that what is popular often changes, and it is the people who choose a path and persevere and stick to it that end up being recognized.

            September, before I leave you I feel like I need to clear something up. Throughout this whole series, I feel like I have been saying to follow your heart and ignore what other people to say about your choices, which I stand by wholeheartedly. However, I think it is important to point out that you should also remember to dress the way you want to be addressed. Be flexible and open-minded. Do not blend in but do not look like a damn parrot, in the name of style. Be conscious and deliberate with your life, let your style be reflective of the person you are and the journey you are on. You are going to be judged regardless of what you wear or who you are so you might as well do what makes you happy. Following fashion trends religiously is the caterpillar to the butterfly that is wishing you were someone else and “to wish you were someone else is to waste the person that you are.”

Love, 

         Nini  

'Cause we never go out of style...

Dear September,

            This is the one where I tell you that it is cooler to be stylish than it is to be fashionable. Ralph Lauren once said, “Style is personal, it has nothing to do with fashion.” I think this is a very important assertion, especially in the context of today’s society. A society that either uses both words interchangeably or puts pressure on women to be fashionable.

            I think at this point, it is very important to distinguish between style and fashion and to assert my interpretation of Mr. Lauren’s words. In my opinion, a person’s style is more than what they wear or how they appear. A person’s style is who a person is and how they choose to do life, the choices they make and the magic that makes them unique and inimitable. Fashion on the other hand, refers to trends that are socially acceptable and widely recognized ways of dressing. Having style helps you realize that the happiest people are not the people that have the most in life but the people that make the most of what they have.

            Right away, the biggest difference I see between the two is that fashion requires society’s permission and approval and validation but style does not. Now do not misunderstand me, it is not bad to follow people but you have to be aware of the magic that is you, it would be a crying shame not to harness it. While it is definitely easier to follow the crowd and what sets you apart can often feel like a burden, it’s not, it’s actually what makes you great.

            Laurel Thatcher Ulrich once said “well-behaved women seldom make history.” I think that this quote is extremely important because it focuses on women. This is significant because we live in a society that is inherently critical of women in every way possible. The society we live in is built for men to thrive and for women to barely exist.

Popular culture looks to women to be the moral compasses and the voices of reasoning. Women unconsciously look to men and other women for permission and approval to be who they are. It is so horrible that women are becoming even more judgmental of one another when the world is already so judgmental of us; it is an unnecessary burden at best. This quote represents a successful woman giving other women permission to colour outside the lines.

Exploring your creativity and individuality, especially for a woman, fosters the development of other character building traits, some of which I will now discuss. It fosters self-confidence, perspective, courage, resilience and authenticity.

Self-Confidence.

            Being allowed to explore one’s creativity without judgment builds one’s self-confidence. Having style requires self-confidence and fosters it as well. Being self-confident is having a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities and judgment. Women, especially have an inherent unbeatable instinct and intuition that a lot of times they doubt. Self-confidence is not arrogance or cockiness, it is not an “I am flawless and perfect” mentality, rather it is an “I am not perfect but I am enough” mentality. Being sure of who you are prevents comparison, which as you know is the thief of joy.

This can extremely difficult when popular culture fosters this image and ideal of beauty that is biased, one-dimensional, non-complex, white, skinny and blonde, young girl. An ideal that is untrue for most women including those who portray it and what’s worse, it forces many women to question themselves and their own beauty. The fact that the beauty of beauty is that is multi-faceted, multi-layered and complex is belittled and ignored.

Perspective

Perspective is everything in life. Style is delicately personal;, in that it is about embracing what you feel makes you feel the most comfortable not what makes you look the best. Perspective affords you all the power and as long you keep it, you keep all the power. In that no one can make you feel less than unless you give them the power to.  Style is not an “I hope they like me,” mentality it is an “I’ll be fine if they don’t” choice.

To be stylish, you need to be sure of yourself and what you want out of life. True style and beauty is never skin deep, true style and beauty is in the character and wisdom that comes with stretch marks, wrinkles, scars, freckles and grey hair. Perspective allows you to accept that life is a battlefield and no one who fights leaves the battlefield unscathed.

Perspective allows you to wear your wrinkles, scars and stretch marks like badges of honour and not shame. Perspective helps your grey hair be proof of good living and not stress highlights. Having perspective also allows you to be more open to and aware of the fact that other people are entitled to their own perspectives and opinions. This inevitably allows you to spend more time doing what actually makes you happy and less time trying to defend your actions and choices to other people.

Ok, September, babe I think I should stop the ramble here for now, just so you don’t fall asleep on me. You should just know that it is cooler to be stylish because having style never goes out of style…

                                                                                                All my love,

                                                                                                            Nini x

Chinese Whispers

Rules of the game 

A group of players sit in a circle 

One person whispers a sentence in the ear of the person next to them

This person is then expected to whisper what they are told to the next person 

The same process is repeated however many times within the circle 

Until it is the turn of the person sitting to the other side of the person who started the train 

This person is now expected to say out loud what the last person whispered to them

By this point, the initial sentence is extremely distorted and sounds nothing like it was intended.

The original person is then to confirm or deny if this is indeed what they have said or not.

If it is wrong, then the original person corrects

This too can be said about life, except the original person does not get to correct the wrong statement

Dear September, 

This is the one where I tell you to be careful who you trust and who you befriend. In these times, this also means be careful who you add or follow and what you post on social media.

I know... I seem a bit indecisive, last week I told you to be vulnerable and let your guard down and this week I'm telling you the exact opposite. But if you looked closely, you would realise that I'm still telling you the same thing. It is good to be open and honest and vulnerable but it's even better to do this with the right people. Friendship, as I have learned is quite tricky. No two relationships or friendships are the same, so you can't really know how to deal with them until you are faced with them. 

Ok, friendship… Friendship for me, has been quite interesting the past couple of weeks, to say the least. But let's just say I did a friend cleanse. I think it is important to de-clutter your life. There are often people who you would consider to be your friends but if you took a harder, longer look, you would realize aren't. There are people in your life that you don't feel completely comfortable with. I have learned that like I said, no friendship is the same and some relationships aren't even friendships to start with. 

I think everyone has six different kinds of "friends…

One.

Everyone has that one friend that you feel like you are on the same wavelength with. You like the same music, you watch the same television shows, you like the same people and you just feel like you get each other. Now, this is where it can be tricky because while this person is good for companionship, they are not necessarily important. People often confuse liking the same things with having the same values and this is a huge mistake. This can often make you feel dependent on a relationship and this is very dangerous. This is just a limbo phase, it is in your best interest to decide whether you want to get to know this person better or you want to keep them at arm’s length.

Two.

Everyone has that one friend that just wants to gossip, all day, every day. Like your own personal shaderoom, the one who seems to know everything about everything and everyone. Two things, one, surely you must wander why they have so much time on their hands to invest in other people’s business. Two, you must also wander who they are playing Chinese whispers with about your own shit. I mean they seem to have everyone's dirt and last I checked, you fall under the 'everyone' category.

What do you think? They are actively trying to not hear dirt about you or you're special to them so they are not telling other people? Surely, you are more intelligent than that. It's your decision what you want to do about this relationship but if I were you, I'd be very careful, very very careful. 

Three.

Everyone has that one friend that always wants something. Every time they call you or text you, they want a favour. Oo please can borrow me this amount of money, I promise I'll pay you back. Or please can you come and pick me up. Can you do this or can you do that? It is also usually someone you think is pretty cool. Someone you think you need to be friends with to fit in with the "cool kids." Sweetheart, this isn't high school, and in the real world, there are no cool kids. This person is just taking advantage of you. They know that you are always there for them, so they use you and use you and use you until there's nothing left. It is pathetic and you deserve better.

If you feel like a friendship is draining you and you are not receiving any value from a so called “friend” then end it or keep it casual, it's that simple. 

Four.

Everyone has that one friend that acts like they have no sense but you keep making excuses for them because you've been friends for 200 years. They do so many things that clash with your values but you turn a blind eye. You convince yourself that they are their own person and what they do doesn't affect you. Sorry to break it to you but it does. I'll give you an example, I had this friend once who just had the worst attitude. I remember once she slept over and in the morning when I woke up, she was already on the phone to someone who I assumed was another friend. I assumed this because she was shouting and hurling really nasty words at said person. After a while, I heard her say "be quiet mother! and let me speak" Immediately my head started spinning. But I had been friends with her for so long, so I still made up excuses. I began to rationalize her ridiculous behaviour. I said things like maybe that's how her relationship with her mother is. It's not my place to judge. Which it isn’t but now that I think about it, I knew deep in my heart that I didn't want to be friends with a person who wasn't respectful to their mother.

I saw her be extremely disrespectful to her mother, so I don't know why it hurt so much and why it was so surprising when she did the same to me. However I was still willing to be friendly with her after she blatantly disrespected me because again, we'd been friends for so long and it wasn't worth it to give up our friendship over something so petty. But I soon realized in a totally non-judgmental way, that she was just not someone I wanted around anymore. I began to see that she was making very bad decisions and what's worse, she had been making these bad decisions throughout our entire friendship. The only difference now was that these bad decisions had now affected me and I no longer wanted to rationalize them to myself. Plus, there is literally no reason why you must be friends with anyone. Friendship needs to happen as naturally and organically as possible. Friendships that are forced are not built to last.

Five.

More positively, everyone has that one friend that you know is the one. The one that makes you want to be better and do better. That one friend, that knows you and all your flaws but never judges, that one friend that is always there for you no matter what. That one friend that always has something positive to say about you in a non-patronizing way. The person who comforts you and sometimes, just sits with you and let you cry because they know that is what you need. That one friend that is bluntly and brutally honest with you. You fight but you always get back together. This is the type of friend you should put effort and energy into. They embody what true friendship is and you know for sure that you do not deserve them because they do much more for you than you do for them. That one friend for me is my little sister, Ulisan.. This kind of friend isn't perfect and if you think they are, then they aren't your real friend yet. This friend is willing to grow with you and help you become a person you are proud of, and this is worth it to me.

Six.

The social media friend; that one friend you chat to on Facebook or you always tag on Instagram but you never actually speak to in real life. The type of friend that only hits you up when you post a really good picture is not someone you want to see you when you are not 100 percent. Ladies and gentleman, this is not a friend, they are a person you know that you sometimes speak to on the Internet. They are probably only good for a laugh or two, an acquaintance at best. Do not unfriend them but do not expect much of anything from them. Plus we all know that there is often a big difference between who you are on Instagram and who you are in real life.  So if they are only impressed by who you are on Instagram then they are probably not going to be impressed by who you are in real life. I mean, besides the worst girls and the ones that have "Jesus has my heart" and "child of the Most High" and "John 3:16" on their Instagram bios. Be careful! Do not expect much from this kind of friend, especially when they see you in public or you see them and neither of your instincts tell you to say hi.

Also, social media is often where you are judged the most. Be careful what you tweet because like a game of Chinese whispers, chances are, that when it gets back to you it will be distorted and totally different to what you intended. People try to be "cool" on social media, me included, which is fine, but you shouldn't be a totally different person to the person you are on social media. The whole point of social media is to find old friends and make new friends with people who are like-minded. Pretending to be someone you are not, defeats this purpose. 

Seven.

            Everyone has that one friend that acts like they are unstable. One day, you are the best thing since sliced bread to them and then the next they don’t pick your calls or reply your messages. They move from wanting to hang out everyday to being too busy for a cup of coffee. This is a good temporary friend to have, someone to warm the bench until you find a more appropriate replacement.

Friendship is tricky and until I have it all figured out, I won't ever judge. But you also have all the power. Never be fiends with a person, just for the sake of it. Also never be bitter or be hard on yourself for trusting someone you shouldn't have. Life is a journey where you learn more about who you are and who you want to be and what's important to you every single day. No matter what the circumstances are, or whether you end up staying friends with a person or ending it, remember that everyone comes into your life for a reason. It seems cliche but it's very true. So be kind and graceful but be cautious and aware because sometimes our goodness can prevent us from seeing who people really are, even when they are screaming it at us. Do not ever try to get even with someone who treated you badly. First of all, that's ratchet and unnecessary. Second, that would mean that you are just as low as said person. And no one deserves that power over you. Do not change who you are for a friend, change the friend that makes you feel like you need to change who you are. Friendship is not a game, it is not about who plays it best. Najwa Zebian once said "If you ever get the chance to treat them the same way they treat you, no matter how painful it was, I hope you choose to walk away and do better."