Caution: Wet Floor

Dear September,

This is the one where I remind you that no one’s life is perfect and no one has their shit figured out all of the time, except Blake Lively. The sooner you realise that most people are winging it, just like you, the earlier you can actually enjoy life. It seems as though when we fail or make a terrible mistake, our first instinct is to try to prevent other people from seeing the mess we made. It is almost like we put a “caution: wet floor” sign up.

Social media and people like Kim Kardashian, who have such a big voice and a huge following, definitely does not help. Social media advertises this standard of beauty that is unattainable for both the model and the everyday woman. It pushes the notion that as a woman, you have to look a certain way to be considered attractive and desirable. What’s worse is regular girls like you and me, are forced to juggle this ideal of beauty along with everything else we have going on and put a smile on our face like everything is just peachy.

This notion of beauty and the ideal woman is what forces us, as girls to put these guards up and act like everything is perfect, when in fact, we are falling apart. Well, September, I do not have life figured and I look nothing like Kim Kardashian and I am going to try to be okay with that. Even Cindy Crawford, the supermodel once said “I wish I looked like Cindy Crawford.”

So, sweetheart, put your guards down, because they are not protecting you; they are preventing you from finding your magic. Ask for help, take the help and do not feel less in any way because of it. Do not push people away because you cannot do everything by yourself, no matter how hard you try. Struggling in silence is not going to make the problem go away, and neither is ignoring it. The time you spend hiding your problems and keeping up appearances could be used to actually deal with the issue.

September, these are a few things I have learned and am still learning about letting your guard down.

One.

I think the most obvious one is, that by letting your guard down and asking for help, you actually find a solution. I think it is important to remind you of this fact because most people just see the dark tunnel and forget about the beautiful, bright light at the end.

Two.

            Once you let your guard down, you can begin to meet people you actually like and make memories you will cherish forever. When I began university, I wanted to be friends with a certain crowd of people. I wanted to be friends with the cool kids. I, however, learned the hard way that in university, like the real world, there are no cool kids. Cool is very relative. Friendship like life should not be forced, it should happen as organically as possible. The earlier you accept your journey and live your truth and be your authentic self, the earlier you can find like-minded people to form a community with.

Three.

            Letting your guard down and asking for help, letting go of your pride and speaking up requires the kind of courage that cannot be taught or learned. Being humble enough to ask for help builds character. It shows maturity and wisdom. It shows your willingness to fight for what you want out of life.

Four.

            Once you ask for help and get it, you realize you had the power and the control the whole time. Asking for help is doing things on your own terms. You avoid reaching rock bottom. Asking for help is actually a privilege, if you ignore a problem for too long, you lose the choice to ask for help. The situation reaches the stage where it can no longer be hidden and people notice right away that you are drowning.

Five.

            Resilience. This is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties or hardship. I do not know a quicker route to recovery than asking for help from someone who has been in the same exact situation that you are in. It is like having a cheat sheet on a very important exam. Plus, you realise that you are not alone. People often shy away from asking for help because they feel like they are the only ones with that problem, or they feel like they are the only ones struggling or worse, they feel like it makes them look weak. It is quite the opposite, asking for help requires an incredible amount of strength.

Six.

            By cleaning up the mess you made, however you do it, you get the opportunity to learn from your mistakes. I do not know a better teacher than personal experience. You also figure out that one bad mistake does not determine the rest of your life unless you give it the power to. Cleaning up your mess, forces you reflect. Asking for help, gives you the chance to step away from the problem and gain a new perspective. It shows you that one bad mistake or one bad day does not mean that you have a bad life. It is very easy to get so consumed with hiding your problems that you fail to recognize them altogether and you just end up standing still in the middle of the mess you made without even realizing it.

Seven.

            It is very easy to see someone in a bad situation and judge. She is fat because she has no control, he is poor because he is lazy, why should I give him my change when he is just going to buy alcohol or a pack of cigarettes?, why do they have so many children? These are thoughts that constantly cross our minds. We often ignore the person, and focus on the situation. Having to ask for help is an extremely humbling experience, it helps one develop empathy and become less judgmental towards people who ask for help. It helps one realise that we are all human, and we are bound to make mistakes, what makes us different is how we react when we make these mistakes.

I guess what I am trying to say is, do not be afraid to let other people see you struggle, because everyone struggles. Besides, it is these moments of impact, flashes of high intensity; which completely turn our lives upside down, that actually end up defining who we are. A life well lived isn’t perfect, it is not void of chaos and mistakes. It is not spent avoiding mistakes and covering up messes, it is spent doing everything you can, to not make the same mistakes twice. Making the best use of the life you are given is not a science, there is no formula, it is an art and the greatest masterpieces are a togetherness of broken pieces and mismatched colours.

                                                                                                     Love Always,

                                                                                                                             Nini

I will not be silent about my pain

Dear September,

            As a person with a platform and a voice, I feel like it is my responsibility to use it. And I feel like it is also my responsibility to be as open and as honest as possible, otherwise I will lose my authenticity. The situation in America, and in the world actually, has passed the stage where you look to the next person to speak the truth. You, me and; everybody in between, need to do whatever we can to make this stop. Two of my best friends are young black men who live in America and I fear for them every single day. I hope that they do not say the wrong thing or look at anyone in a way that makes them uncomfortable. The system is slowly pushing me to wish that they were invisible… That being said, here goes everything…

            I am going to scream the next time I see someone use the hashtag #alllivesmatter. White people are very aware that their lives matter because they are not shot in the street every other day for merely existing. They know that their lives matter because they are not afraid and they are not threatened in any way. They know that their lives matter because they are treated like human beings and they expect to be treated this way. The same cannot be said for black people. There is no need to tell anyone that white lives matter because the status quo does that very well. When was the last time any white person had to worry about the colour of their skin? The fact that there is a need to remind people that #blacklivesmatter is sad and ridiculous and shameful. This has to stop, if two black men being shot multiple times and killed in the space of twenty four hours by the same people who vow to protect us, does not wake you the hell up, you are a part of the problem, and I do not know what will.

            Zora Neale-Hurston once said “If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” So, as a black woman, I refuse to be silent about my pain, because as it stands, my life depends on it.

Savouring life's little joys...

Dear September,

This is the one where we talk about the importance of savouring life's little joys…

It is no secret that we live in extremely difficult times. Between the economic crisis and terrorist attacks happening every other day, and just dealing with our own personal struggles, it is often quite difficult to find reasons to be happy. It may seem counterintuitive, but this is the exact reason why we should try our very best to be happy and savour life's little joys. 

According to the Oxford dictionary, the word "savour" means to enjoy or appreciate something pleasant to the full. In this context, this essentially means making a conscious effort to be aware of the good moments in our lives. I think it is good to remind ourselves to do this because we too often focus on preventing or fixing the bad moments that we become immune and totally oblivious to the good ones. 

So, here are a few ways to recognize and savour the good moments when they do happen.

        1) Pray

I'm a Christian and I love it. My faith always keeps me centred and at peace. Praying especially teaches you how to be patient and be expectant of good things. Praying brings a certain peace that cannot be shaken. It turns your focus away for a moment, from what you haven't done to what you have done, and what you have to be grateful for. Trust me, it works... 

              2)   Keep a diary

A diary is a personal record. It forces you to not ignore the good and positive in your life. It helps you truly realize that things are never as bad as they seem. A diary helps you stay aware of the fact that one bad day doesn't mean you have a bad life. 

            3)   Surround yourself with positive people

This is extremely difficult to do, especially because the conditions in society today force one to pay attention to the negative. And there's enough of that to fill our thoughts and our conversation. This is why it is extremely important for you to surround yourself with people who will always point out the silver lining in every situation. Being optimistic isn't ignoring the bad and the ugly; it is being confident and hopeful despite them.

            4)   Smile

It seems minute and meaningless but it works. Very often, we mope around and sulk over situations that are completely out of our control and this is an absolute waste of time. I know we do not always have control over the way we feel and it is alright to be sad but we also have the power to smile and choose to keep a positive outlook. Sometimes, we also feel overwhelmed by life but it is in those moments that wearing a huge grin is extremely important. Smiling is a way to reassure yourself, a way to remind yourself that you are a warrior and you have no time for excuses. When good things happen as well, smile. Enjoy these moments too and remember to celebrate the little victories. Give yourself credit for a job well done. This is not being pompous or arrogant, it is recognizing that you put a lot of effort into accomplishing said task and you are proud of yourself for that and that is ok.

5)   Do what will make you happy in the long run

Often, people say do what makes you happy. Often also we hear it but we don't assimilate it. We recognize that we do not always have the luxury of doing whatever will makes us happy at that very moment. I am student right now and what I think will make me happy will be to wake up whenever I want, write all day and go back to bed. Oo, squeeze in a few television shows here and there. But I recognize that this is not a plausible routine, so I often put what makes me happy on the back burner or at least I think I do. I often forget that what will truly make me happy isn't lots of sleep and watching televisions shows all day. It is actually being able to be financially independent and building a solid foundation for my future. Being able to afford anything I want, and being able to fully provide for my family. And to be able to do this, I have to sacrifice and give up play time. So actually doing what makes me happy, is studying and writing as much as possible not sleeping and watching television shows all day. So it is a joy and a privilege to learn and be inspired to write. Finding and savouring life's little joys is all about perspective. 

If you are able to see the glass half full and not half empty, there would be many more little joys in your life to savour. If you are able to keep track and be aware of and be present in the good moments, you will realize that your life is much better than it seems. We are all more blessed and fortunate than we know.

So my dear September, be conscious of the fact that there is always someone who has it way worse than you do. This is not to say that you should be satisfied with where you are but this is just to say that our lives are a lot fuller than we know. I think once we realize that the real magic is in these seemingly little joys that come together to create a rich and colourful life, we can stop and smell the roses. We can stop trying to achieve these huge inconspicuous, undefined moments of joy and truly enjoy the precious little moments we already share. 

                                                                                                            X o x o,

                                                                                                                        Nini