All is Calm. All is Bright

Dear September,

            In the spirit of Christmas, this is the one where I tell you to make merry because this is the one time in the year where all is calm and all is bright. This time of the year is like an extended version of the part of the day, early in the morning, where the sun has risen but you haven’t quite started the day. The environment is calm and the possibilities are endless and I feel as though this time should be recognized and appreciated and taken full advantage of.

            It is about a week to the end of the year, so if you are a student, you are done with finals and if you work, you are just about to leave for the break, if you haven’t already. It is the perfect time to wind down and consciously reflect on the past year. Remember all the mistakes you have made and all the things you could have done better. This is not a time for regret or self-deprecation, it is also not a time to wallow in self-pity or make excuses. It is a time to recognize your faults, forgive yourself for them and move on.

            There is a reason why it is the most wonderful time of the year. There is a magic in the air this time of year that you can’t quite place. I cannot think of a better time to dream without inhibition and be truthful about what you want for yourself in the coming year. It is a time where it is socially acceptable to float on a cloud. If you cannot dream and see the future you really want, at a time like this, then it will be even more difficult to dream when life begins to get in the way. This is not a time to be rational, and set goals based on what you have or what you think you can actually achieve.

            If you are like me, just before you start your day, you feel hopeful, you write a to-do list the length of your left arm and are honestly convinced in that moment that you will check everything off by the end of the day. More times than not, you do not check everything off the list but that’s alright. You see, the magic is not in checking things off, it is in the way you feel while you are writing the list. You feel hopeful and optimistic and void of self-doubt. For a moment, you forget your flaws and the flaws of the world that we live in and you are wide-eyed and excited for the future. Writing goals and dreams and to-do lists is essentially writing the future that you envision for yourself and if that doesn’t make you unbelievably happy, tear off the page and start again. In the words of President Barack Obama “If we do not have hope, then what do we have.” You see this is not about being perfect and void of blemish, because perfection is an illusion, it is about believing, even if it is just for a moment, that you are beautiful and capable of perfection and full of magic.

So, September, I think that this is a story of hope and a reminder that knowing that you may not accomplish every single thing you want to, is not reason enough to stop dreaming. 

            Courage is making the decision to embark on a journey and endure a course of action, while being completely aware of the potential difficulties and obstacles that you will encounter on the way. A good example of this would be quitting your day job to focus on your dreams and what you are truly passionate about. Now, do not misquote or misunderstand me, this is not to say that everyone who quits their day job to focus on their passion project full-time is wise and courageous. It only counts as courage when this is a risk and a well-thought out idea at the same time. In the sense that, investing time and effort into a passion project can make a person happy but not all passion projects are worth giving up what you currently have for.

You cannot quit your day job if your passion project cannot replace it as a form of income or at the very least have the potential to in the short run. Potential is great and cool and amazing but it is not everything. With a passion project, the risk should be the duration of time it will take for it to start paying for itself and not if it will in the first place. Part of courage is wisdom and discernment. The hope in courage is that you choose to believe in yourself and your art, and you open yourself to starting all over again if things don’t pan out the way you want them to.

            No matter who you are, there are always resources available to you, you just have to be willing to open your eyes and look around. I’ll use myself as an example, you know, … because I never do that… So, as you know, I am currently in my fourth and final year at the University of Toronto and if I have learned anything, it is to ask for as much help as possible. Whether it is from the professor, when I am totally drowning in a topic or just going to the writing centre to have an extra set of eyes look over my paper. A little help can make all the difference in the world. Asking for help portrays an inherent desire to be a better version of yourself and a hope that you can become this person that you aspire to be. When you decide to put your pride and ego and maybe even push through some fear, you will be surprised at how many people can be as committed to your success as you are.

Perspective is everything September, it literally is. The calmness that comes with this time of the year is golden and very relevant to gaining and maintaining a good perspective. If you are like me and you always have a list of goals every January so long, that you feel defeated before you even begin, you do not need to change the list, you need to change your attitude. Rather than accepting defeat and becoming overwhelmed, take the challenge head on. Rather than focus on all the time and effort accomplishing your list will take, focus on tackling the flaws that could become obstacles, like a procrastination habit or bad company.

Hope is inherently about perspective. In the world we live in today, where Donald Trump is the leader of the free world, it becomes your responsibility to work to keep hope alive for yourself and for others as well. Choosing to be hopeful is not a lack of wisdom or a character flaw. Choosing to be hopeful is not ignoring the negatives of a situation, it is acknowledging them while also focusing on the positives and believing that you are capable of turning the negatives to positives and finding the silver lining. So, remember September, all is calm and all is bright, so find your own version of hope and hold on to it for dear life.

                                                                                                                                 Merry Christmas,

                                                                                                                                                             Nini 

Lest you ever get self-satisfied

Dear September,

This is not that. 

This is not the blog you find on the internet that helps you feel better and justified in saying or doing something horrible to someone who did not deserve it. If you did something wrong, apologize, have an honest conversation about it and move on. Accept the gift of forgiveness graciously and give yourself the same gift.

This is in fact the one where I tell you that it is alright to not be perfect, in fact... (and brace yourself for this one),... no one is. This is probably the first step to actually really getting rid of this kind of guilt. 

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines guilt as a feeling of responsibility for a crime or for doing something bad or wrong. This particular definition is relevant because it captures the irony in the fact that a lot of the time people feel guilty not for what they do but for what they fail to do. People also often feel guilty for doing things that they think are bad but are actually good. I think that before we can figure out how to get rid of the burden of guilt, we have to talk about what causes guilt in the first place. So, after thinking about it and having a few conversations and doing some research, here are few reasons that probably sound a bit familiar.

Spending money on yourself 

This is me, this is one hundred percent me.

Spending money on yourself can often feel like a poor and irresponsible choice, especially if you are a student like me and you have to live on a budget. Every time you spend money on something you want rather than something you need, you tend to feel like you could be doing something more useful. And I won't sugarcoat things, that is absolutely right. However, I truly believe that you only live once and life is meant to be enjoyed to the fullest. I mean, it goes without saying that you should not be living above your means, going on shopping sprees every other week but you also should not deny yourself a few nice things once in a while. Life is all about balance, once you figure out what works for you and what can be sustained, then you are fine.

You work hard, you study hard, you should give yourself a break every now and then. Enjoying your life and doing things that make you happy, does not make you any less of an adult, I promise.

Taking some time for yourself 

Now, this is a tricky one.

Sometimes I just want to be left alone in my room and I often feel guilty for it. I feel like wanting to be alone is rude, and maybe even selfish. Wanting to be alone often makes me feel like I do not appreciate my family and friends and it is genuinely something I struggle with. However, in these moments I remind myself that it is important to invest just as much time and effort into building myself as I do into building my relationships with other people.

Having time alone has given me a kind of clarity, a chance to really listen and discover who I am. This has inevitably translated into me becoming quite selective when it comes to friendship. I have begun to attract people who truly add value to my life and people who I truly enjoy being around. The relationships I have now are quite honest and have blossomed quite naturally. 

But again, we have to talk about balance. There is a huge difference between taking some time for yourself and taking advantage of the people in your life. There is a huge difference between actually needing to be alone and being too selfish to make an effort with another person. It's perfectly alright to not want to hang out with someone but if it is a relationship you want to keep, you have to be willing to show some sort of effort. Guilt only creeps in when you can't be bothered to put the effort in and you know it's selfish and maybe they notice too and call you out on it. 

Letting your parents down 

Again, this is me. I put so much pressure on myself to live up to what I think my parents expect of me. In terms of getting the best grades possible and investing time in things I think I have a future in. The weird thing is the pressure I put on myself comes mostly from me and not them. I mean I know that they expect me to do my best and that’s fair, but they also want me to do it for me not for them and I constantly have to remind myself of that. 

Also a good thing to keep in mind is the fact that, believe or not, your parents were once your age, so they do not expect you to have every single detail of your life figured out when you are 21. It can make all the difference once you realize that wanting to appear perfect to your parents pretty much defeats the purpose of having them in the first place.

I'll be the first to admit that it can be quite difficult to admit to your parents that you are struggling or you are finding something in your life quite difficult but once you do, you get a sense of peace that you can't get anywhere else. Plus, they often throw in food or money, so I mean...

Saying no

No is a perfectly understandable and valid response. What the other person does with the answer is not on you, it is none of your business, it is totally and completely on them. Sometimes you need to draw lines and establish boundaries. Saying no prevents you from taking on too much. Saying no prevents you from feeling overwhelmed. Say no helps you stay sane. 

A lot of the time, the people who cannot respect you when you say no, are people who have always taken advantage of you and never respected you to begin with. The relationship you have with anyone who does not take well to you saying no, has reached such a toxic point that they now feel entitled to your time, money and resources, which is ridiculous and insulting and completely unacceptable.

Saying no is a clear indication that you are a mature and responsible adult who knows their limits. When you say no, you put yourself first, which you need to do because no one else will. Saying no to someone else often means saying yes to yourself. Saying no can signify you taking back control of your life. When you say no, you may not gain popularity but you gain respect.

Standing up for yourself 

In the past year or so, I have learned to not be a push over. I have learned that it is not inherently impolite to stand up for yourself. I have found my voice and learned how to use it. I’ll admit that this has not been the most convenient discovery, there have been uncomfortable conversations, and confrontation and awkward pauses but I can tell you that it has honestly been worth it. I am beginning to respect myself and everyone in my life seems to be following suit.

I say "everyone in my life" because I have reached a place where if you disrespect me, then there is no space for you in my life, plain and simple. And just to clarify, this is not being a diva or being difficult or being high maintenance. I literally just demand the same respect I give myself from others, and I'll tell you this much, it can't be that difficult because I am quite happy with the people in my life, I don't feel like I'm missing anyone, I feel content. 

Standing up for myself now comes quite naturally to me but it has not always been this way. In the past, I have felt guilty and like I could have handled certain situations differently. However, I have also learned that when someone says something disrespectful, I would be doing myself a disservice if I don't call them out on it. More than that, keeping quiet is a loud and clear statement that I am fine with what they have said and they can continue to speak to me in that way. 

I mean, there is no need to be rude or hurl insults at anyone, because there is always a way to convey your distaste and dissatisfaction in a concise and articulate 

manner. Sometimes, you may need to take a day or two to reflect but it is imperative that you address the situation and be confident that you deserve at least some closure. 

Not being perfect 

You are not perfect, never have been and never will be. We live in a society that is obsessed with perfection but based on the fact that it is unattainable, this obsession is at best, misguided and misplaced. 

            The notion of beauty that social media endorses is blonde and has a skinny waist and big hips and long straight hair and looks like Kim Kardashian. Well, hate to break it to ya, but ain't no way that's happening when you black and you have wooly hair and acne and stretch marks. This in no way means that you aren't beautiful or you aren't magic, it just means that you are also a real person with real flaws who is living life and not trying to fight it with plastic surgery and filters.

Social media says that you should feel less when you have stretch marks, and scars and a flabby stomach and it is a complete lie. I know it sounds cliché, but embrace your own version of beauty. I’m not even saying this for some noble and just reason, I'm saying this because trying to be someone that you are not is mentally draining and exhausting and confusing and just not worth it, to be honest. 

Grief 

Unfortunately, guilt is an inevitable component of grief. When you lose someone you love, there is always going to be the "shoulda, woulda, couldas.” The "if only I had a bit more time". It usually starts out as a coping mechanism, a way to reassure yourself that you are not responsible for the excruciating pain you feel. However, since there is no way to feel like you did all you could, it quickly becomes an overwhelming and drowning feeling of guilt. 

It is this type of guilt you feel when you get a test back and you get a grade that is less than what you were expecting. Granted, this is a much more dilute form of it but it is quite similar. You think, I could have said this or done that or I could have studied more or I could have practiced more or if I had more time. 

            As a person who has spent time on the "shoulda, woulda, couldas", I am asking you to trust me when I say it does absolutely nothing for you. It worsens your pain and stretches out your healing process. I know that you never quite get over it, but blaming yourself makes the misery a thousand times worse. Sometimes, you need to tell yourself out loud that there is nothing you could have done to change the circumstances or just promise yourself to do better next time. There is no need to play the blame game. The only way the pain is going to become more bearable is if you feel it. Yes, it is as unfair as it sounds but it is what it is. 

Another thing is, you are not a chicken or a wuss or soft or weak for feeling the way you do. If you need to take some time off, then do that. You are only weak and cowardly when you choose to not deal with your feelings. No one can ever fault you for the way you choose to handle your grief because there is no right way to do it. There is just doing what you can and taking each day as it comes, doing what feels right and authentic to you. 

            So, September…

            Guilt is a tricky one. I thought I should address it because I feel like it is one of those issues that everyone deals with in some capacity but no one dares to talk about. Guilt is never black and white, it is pretty constant and present at every stage of life you go through but how you choose to deal with it does change as you grow and evolve.  Kathy Kruger once said “Guilt is a signal that you are striving to be better, and unless you’re doing that, you’re not good enough, or at least acknowledging all the ways that you aren’t perfect. Apparently! There’s always room for improvement, and guilt is the electric prod to remind you, lest you ever get self-satisfied.”

                                                                                                                                                 Love,

                                                                                                                                                         Nini