August 12, 2017

Charlottesville, Virginia

August 12th, 2017: The day we failed as humans

Heather Heyer, a victim of the recent clash between the “Unite the Right” white nationalists and counter protesters in Charlottesville, Virginia, last post on social media read; “If you are not outraged, then you are not paying attention” and those words are truer now than when she wrote them, believe it or not. Paying attention is no longer a suggestion, it is no longer a choice because as it stands, your life may depend on it. I find it worrisome and troubling that ex-president Barack Obama and former presidential candidate Hilary Clinton have put out stronger and more direct criticisms of the recent events than current president Donald Trump and vice president Mike Pence. For little President Donald “Twitter fingers” Trump, always smart in the mouth and on hand to offer his two cents, this is awfully quiet. For an event as blatantly racist and bigoted and hate-driven as this, President Trump has chosen his words a bit too carefully. In my mind, it is very simple, any form of silence or attempt at political correctness at this point is silent and indirect approval. Let’s call it what it is, Donald Trump has created an America where a bunch of white, pro-Nazi Nationalists feel comfortable and secure enough in their white privilege and within the law, enough and so much so that they convince themselves that they can wage war and not expect to be fought. They go about such bigoted acts of hatred and contempt with the confidence that they will remain relatively anonymous. They attempt to hold press conferences to rub in our faces the fact that their hatred and racism and animalistic beliefs have been institutionalized and normalized and until we tell them otherwise, they feel that they are within their rights to freedom of speech. It is the same way a police man can shoot a black man at close range and not expect any action to be taken against him. 

Throughout his presidential campaign, Trump actively and passively endorsed this mindset and this kind of behaviour. The vice president criticized the media, saying it devoted more time to Trump's statement than it did to the people who engaged in the violence. Ironically, it is that exact statement that makes one of the worst terrorist attacks in the history of the United States about one man. Pence’s insinuation that the media is somehow bullying Trump by scrutinizing and spreading his reaction to the recent events is worrying. Somehow multiple people are dead and we are playing the blame game. This is worrying but it is not surprising, Trump has built his entire administration on face value. It is same reason why the first thing we hear from one of the  white men who took part in the "Unite the Right" protest (pictured above) is that he LOOKS like a monster, not that he is wrong or he apologizes for his actions, it's that the photographer did not get his "good side." This makes me remember Heather Heyer’s words because weirdly enough, Trump and his entire administration do not seem in any way outraged or even uncomfortable with the situation. Trump seems just as indifferent and nonchalant as the participants, about what in my mind is the worst case scenario. Yes some people are definitely more to blame than others and yes, Trump and his administration take a huge chunk of that blame, but this is not the issue and most people know it. Pence’s attempt to change the narrative is weak and unreliable and invalid at best. The very concept of democracy is built on the backs of people like Heather Heyer and on the foundations of freedom of speech and freedom of protest and on equality. It's all just a huge double-standard. The fact that a group of white males can protest and champion a concept that suggests that they are somehow better than other people solely based on the colour of their skin and honestly think they can get away with it, but the woman who also exercises her right to protest and champions an opposing view loses her life in the process. Contrary to popular opinion, this is definitely not the first time that people and the general public have had no reaction to matters of racism and hatred and violence and prejudice and bigotry. Mike Brown, Philando Castille, Sandra Bland, Trayvon Martin, no? 

I think we have failed as humans and we have being failing for a long time. I think we are lost. I think the lines between what is right and what is wrong are continuing to be so blurred that they become beyond recognition. The only way to not be outraged and distressed is if you are not paying attention and if you are not paying attention, then I am sorry but you are not human and you are a part of the problem.  So maybe you feel like you don't directly face any harm or maybe you feel like you don’t have any answers and maybe you don't fully understand the situation and maybe you feel like “little” you being silent will not have any effect but that is not necessarily true and that does not in any way render you helpless. There is so much information to be gained and so much knowledge to be had. Regardless of whether you know it or not, whether it is intentional or not, you are saying something, your actions always have consequences and you have power and you influence today what happens tomorrow. The earlier you realize your power, the better your chances of using it for good. Michelle Obama says it best when she says “you may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all of the world's problems at once but don't ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that course can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own.”

Willpower and Foresight

Julia Child once said “Find something you are passionate about and keep tremendously interested in it” but what most of you don't know is that, Julia did it. She realized early enough what not many people do; with such simple words she shows us that she realized to success in the long run early enough. Julia realized that one needs willpower and foresight. Finding something you can continue to be passionate about requires at least a little bit of foresight, and keeping tremendously interested in said passion, requires a good amount of willpower.

I recently graduated from university (probably the 10,024th time I’ve said it) and I’ll tell you now, the question I have been asked the most is some variation of “what are your plans?” and I am not joking when I say answering it gives me a level of anxiety that physically affects me. I don't get anxiety because I do not have an answer, I get anxiety because I fear that I don't have the right answer. And this is crazy to me, the thought and the insinuation that there is a right answer to a question like that. I am not saying this to be philosophical or anything, I just can't imagine that the answer can be the same or even similar for any two individuals so I don't see how you can measure the correctness of a person’s response. 

But I think I have only been feeling anxious because I have been doing it all wrong. Over the past couple of months, I have put so much pressure on myself to have the right answer and get validation from everyone but myself, to have a plan and that’s important but it is not worth losing your sanity over. I have tried to sugarcoat the fact that I am unemployed and it sucks. I have tried to sugarcoat the fact that I want a job that I enjoy because I fear that it makes me sounds naive and lazy and unwilling to lay the ground work. I know it sounds cliché but I think the most important part of finding your passion is doing what you do better than most people and doing what makes you truly happy, as often as possible. I worry that being unemployed would make me desperate enough to resort to doing a job I do not like, I already see it in the way I apply for jobs. As the days go by, I feel like I am becoming more and more willing to compromise on what I want and do just any job and we all know that the longer you spend within a profession, the harder you get stuck and the less time you spend within a profession, the harder it is to establish credibility and a good reputation, which you are nothing without credibility and a good reputation. 

I guess this is where knowledge becomes a blessing and a curse because I also know that to develop an perseverant passion for something, you have to figure out who you are as a human being and what makes you special and that can take months or years even. I think developing foresight is only intimidating when you focus all your energy on the end goal. I think foresight is a lot less scary and a lot more within reach when you make it your own, when you break it down into little things you can do daily to protect your energy and grow into the person you hope to become. I think the part of foresight that makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious is the waiting part. I do not believe in or should I say I am not patient enough for the ‘waiting for it to come to you’ part. I think waiting is only an option when you have done everything you can think to do and even I believe in going back to the drawing board and figuring out what you can you be doing different. Julia Child says “find” not “dream” or “wait for”, thus there is at least some action involved or at least that is the way I see it. The best way and probably the only way to truly figure out whether or not you like something is to do it.

In my opinion, having foresight is less about trying to predict the future and more about making the present extraordinary (which is a little hard to do when you are awkward and broke but nonetheless, doable) and learning from the past. By making the most of your present, you inevitably create a personalized recipe for happiness that you can continue to draw on and tweak as you grow and evolve and become more comfortable in your own skin. I agree with Peter Drucker when he says “the best way to predict the future is to create it” because no one can make you as happy as you can make yourself.  One of the first steps I have taken over the last couple of weeks to find or maybe rediscover my passion for writing and creating engaging content is to make an effort to set up conversations with people who are honest, people who own their truth and people who may not have every last detail of their life figured out but are willing to adapt and change and learn how to be the best version of themselves. I have done this because I know that this is where I am my happiest and I think this is where willpower comes into the equation. I think that a lot of the time we know what would make us happy, we just are discouraged by the effort and discipline it will take to follow through.

Willpower is about learning and having the courage to hold on to new knowledge and make it your own. Maybe as many people do, we get it wrong on the first try, willpower gives us the strength we need to keep moving forward. I have found that following your passion requires a good amount of courage and even then, there is still a struggle and a lot of doubt that one has to deal with on a daily basis and unfortunately I haven't gotten to a place where I can confidently say it is worth it. but I can say that I hope for you and me both that it is worth it. I think that willpower is about having the discipline and the tenacity to keep focused on and interested in your dream and putting the work when it is easy and more importantly, when you encounter the inevitable losses and failure and it gets hard to stay interested. I recently learned while listening to one of my favourite podcasts, that one can be extremely passionate about something even when there are parts of it that they do not enjoy. It is about sticking it out during those hard times and resisting the temptation to quit. I love writing more than anything else but I have a degree in Employment Relations and Sociology (which would naturally lead me into a career in the Human Resources field aka the easier route) so I know all about that struggle. 

Whenever I have writer’s block or a lack of inspiration or I get rejected from a job I really want, I immediately begin to lose interest and doubt my writing capabilities and ability to establish a career. I begin to unconsciously look for jobs within Human Resources, which these jobs are definitely easier to find and get traction with, so it is nothing but a coping mechanism, but this is where difficult decisions have to be made. I know I will not enjoy these jobs in the long run so I have to decide what’s more important to me, immediate money and validation or actually doing something meaningful. The only thing is, the fact is I am currently unemployed and I have the stack of rejection letters to prove it. I am not going to sit here and not address the gigantic elephant in the room, rejection sucks and maybe developing thick skin is a part of the process but I am sick of people acting like not having the structure of a job is all unicorns and sleeping in and watching Netflix all day, it is excruciating and I think it makes me feel a whole lot better to say it out loud and hear people say it as well, so I can be that person for you if you need it. Being unemployed is like having daddy issues, it plays on your self-esteem and your ability to see your own worth. You know you have no business looking for certain jobs because you have the mind and the degree and the experience to prove that you are better than that, but in the mind of an unemployed person, having a shitty job is better than having no job.

This is not to say that regular office jobs cannot be meaningful, this is just to say that I know myself well enough to know that I need a role and a career that would allow me to be creative and able to pursue my many, many personal interests. And this is lovely but I worry about my current failures, my inability to gain traction and the kind of following I want. I worry that I am just wasting my time and delaying the inevitable. I worry that I am not good enough the way I am and that I would have to change who I am to gain success within social media. I also know that the people who are able to gain long term success are the ones who are weird and quirky and able to provide a unique perspective. But again change can be a good thing because maybe I need to try harder or try a different angle. It is hard to decipher what kind of change is selling out and what kind of change is necessary to make progress. I know that gaining a committed audience and online traction is most difficult in the beginning so I have to focus on continuing to consistently put out great content especially on days when I don't feel like it, just a lot easier said than done. I guess I haven't ended this is in a large, pretty, ambiguous but pretty nonetheless, bow because I am just now figuring things out for myself. I guess all I can say is I want to get more comfortable being uncomfortable. I want to get more confident being uncertain. I don't want to shrink back just because something isn't easy. I want to push back, and make room in the area between I can't and I can (as stolen from Instagram).