Faith and spring cleaning

  

As you know, spring has sprung and it’s a new month (yay!), so the plan for the blog is to continue talking through a bit of spring cleaning over the next couple of weeks. As usual, I will release two articles a week, that’ll help de-clutter one aspect of life. Last week, I wrote about everyone’s favourite topic and not awkward at all, money. I wrote quite honestly about my personal experiences with money and what I have learned and continued to learn about making it, making more and maintaining it all. Managing money is about anything but the actual money. It is about you, the person controlling the money. It is about your ability to practice the art of self-restraint, your ability to see past feeding your current want, your ability to discipline the present you, to serve the future you. Like most good things, having good, positive financial habits and sticking to a solid, long-term financial plan cannot and does not happen overnight, you have to work your way up.

This week, I want to discuss something quite different, so please stay with me. I feel like it is time to do a little spring cleaning of your faith, and sort of, belief system. Now, I feel it is important to mention that I, Nini, am a Christian, so naturally, a lot of what I know and have to say, is rooted in that. However, I also feel this will be relevant and serve you, whether or not you are on a similar journey. French writer, François-Marie Arouet, popularly known as Voltaire once wrote “Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd,” and he was right. The word “absurd” also means wildly unreasonable, illegal or inappropriate. Needless to say, I started to feel a little offended, mainly because I am a girl who constantly craves certainty… and justifies it and sometimes feel superior and more ‘adult’ for it. But I don’t think Voltaire meant to be offensive at all, because if you think about it, accepting that certainty is absurd and ceasing pursuit of it, is more comforting than having certainty itself can ever be. This quote basically implies that doubt is not the opposite of certainty, which sounds a little crazy and counterintuitive, but maybe this is just the way we have been conditioned to think. Maybe we crave certainty not to know, maybe we crave certainty to have control and power over every situation or obstacle we face. Thus, it follows that certainty and the craving thereof, is absurd because at the end of the day, we only have agency over our reactions and nothing else. And maybe if we recognized that this in itself is a power, we won’t feel so helpless when we are faced with obstacles and challenges and difficulty. Full autonomy is beyond our reach, and the earlier we realize that accepting this isn’t giving up or giving in, and make peace with it, the earlier we can find peace and make progress. 

I recently started going to a new church in Toronto and it has been crazy and a little freaky how the messages have been spot on for three weeks in a row. But I think this also speaks to the universe conspiring to tell us what we need to hear at every point and how we need to do our part in being mindful of ourselves and our surroundings at all times. We are not totally helpless, we can listen, we can make space for quietness and stillness and meditation and calm, we can do that. I have been speaking on here about how a couple of things haven’t exactly gone the way I wanted them to, over the last couple of weeks. I have always struggled and sometimes, still struggle mentally, to stay in a positive space when things don’t go my way, but let me just tell you, it gets better, maybe not immediately or all at once or the way you imagine it happening, but it does and it will. You just have to be willing to put up a good fight. Sanity is a daily battle… for everyone. No matter where you live in the world, if you watch the news for a few minutes, you will be able to count at least five things you need to worry about. For me, I feel like God has put people in my life, and put me in certain situations to remind me of what I do have, and of the fact that He is mindful of me because it can be quite hard to see when you are the middle of it. I know that these moments of clarity are beautiful and amazing but they can also be fleeting. So, when I don’t feel as good, I make it a point to remind myself that the certainty I so desperately crave is purely egotistical and self-serving. I have done quite well with this part recently but ask me again in a couple of weeks.

Thoughts and words are incredibly powerful, so powerful, I cannot even tell you. I feel like I have said on here that I struggle with my self-confidence and maintaining positive thoughts about myself. Which if you knew anything about me or my life, you’ll know that I have roughly a million things to be grateful for, but I can’t help it, sometimes I just don’t feel like a miracle, not even close. Negative thoughts often hold me back from taking full advantage of certain situations and really enjoying the moment. A couple of months ago, I was asked to share in my church in Nigeria and afterwards I got a ton of positive feedback. My parents told me over and over again how proud they were, of me, and I remember asking what I could have done better. My dad said he thought it was perfect but I spoke a little fast. In his slight, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, he complemented me over and over again and stressed how he thought my thoughts were so complex and multidimensional, that it would help if I went slower, just so that people would follow easier. But noooooo. I spent the following week thinking about how I spoke too fast and by the end of the week, I had convinced myself that my life would somehow be better if I spoke slower. It just bored down to my confidence being so brittle and and of course, you can only speak to the abundance of your heart and mine is constantly filled with doubt. 

However, I am learning that doubt is not always negative thing. I am learning that I have been giving doubt all the power that should have been mine, this whole time. I am learning now that doubt is only the raw material, the thing that is always going to be there. Therefore, it is up to me to decide how I react to it and what I do with it. I can either fan the flames and ignite it into fear and negative thoughts or take inventory. As renowned theologian and classical scholar of philosophy once said “doubt comes in at the window when inquiry is denied at the door.” So, it is important to allow yourself to be inquisitive but as my Pastor Jess says, “don’t get stuck on the why.” Don’t get so set on figuring out why that it becomes self-serving and egotistical. I have learned not to get stuck on asking God why because a lot of my questions have been answered in His word and why should I make Him answer the same question twice, I know I won’t. His word is very detailed that way, it tells you about His character, what makes Him angry, what makes Him happy, what He expects you to do as His child, it’s pretty straight forward really. I say “straightforward,” the instructions are, it is the following through part that is always a little shaky. 

But let me tell you, it is very different for people, you need to question the hell out of people, especially new ones. I ask as many questions as I need to make a decision and make peace with the fact that someone being bad  for me or not quite right for me, doesn’t make them a bad person. If a person makes you feel like you cannot ask questions, then run away, ok homie? Don’t go through with things you feel even slightly uneasy about because you always know before you know. It is perfectly alright to say no, no matter how deep you feel you are or how far you think you have gone.  If someone in your life does something you are uncomfortable with, it is your right to question them. Doubting yourself is one thing and already unpleasant enough, but continuing to open yourself up to people you don’t feel 100% comfortable with, is an unnecessary burden, and probably a little dangerous. While we are here, get rid of any and all “I should probably…” A lot of the time, we wait for earth-shattering signs to confirm what we already know is right or wrong. Well maybe God doesn’t give you the certainty you want because He already gave it to you. It is no longer about the earthquakes and volcanoes and tornados and burning bushes, it is about the little nudges and the seemingly random thoughts and simple conversations. 

It is about the “I should probably…” I should probably wear a scarf in case it gets cold. I should probably not swear so much. I should probably not eat that. I should probably give those jeans I don’t wear anymore to my sister (Maye, this may or may not be for you). I should probably give increase the amount I give on Sunday. I should probably volunteer at so and so. Stop. Just do it. Worse case?you’re wrong and I mean, call me crazy, but I think there are worse things. Literally condition your mind to be willing to receive what God is telling you or if you don’t feel like He is telling you anything? As my Queen Julie says, what has He already said about what you are going through? And if you are like me, you will need to remind yourself every day, multiple times a day on some days. Faith or worry, choose one. Doubt is the first step but you decide the rest of the staircase.