Hammers and Nails

In this world, there are two types of people, hammers and nails.  A hammer is a person who is aware, a person who takes an active role in determining their future. A hammer is conscious of every decision and every move, and how it affects the journey to their end goal.  A nail on the other hand, is passive and nonchalant, and barely in control of their life. A nail is basically a puppet being controlled by anything and everything, often a hammer.

It is very important to state now that there are times in life where we as human beings, experience things that are completely out of our control. In such situations, we are not nails. It is the aftermath of these experiences that determine whether one is a hammer or a nail.

Here are a few tips on how to be a hammer and how not to be a nail, consciously or unconsciously;

·      

    Be focused

o   Laser focus is an essential and fundamental skill that every hammer must possess. Being focused involves tuning out all distractions. A distraction is anything or anyone that prevents one from accomplishing a set task in a timely, effective and efficient manner. Being focused also often involved a lot sacrifice, self-management, time-management and prioritizing. Becoming a hammer involves dissolving any and all relationships that do not add any form of value to one’s life and journey.

    Be ambitious

o   Being ambitious is having dreams and goals that will help you achieve those dreams. It is important to be able to differentiate between the two, while still recognizing their individual value and significance. Dreams are essentially goals that you presently do not possess the tools needed to achieve. Being ambitious is often unrealistic and that is perfectly fine. Being ambitious means having goals that challenge your ability and open your mind to new ways of doing things. Goals that are guaranteed to move one closer to achieving their dreams. Being ambitious helps maintain a certain level of fire, focus and flair. Being ambitious helps one get comfortable with dreaming big. Ambition ensures one is running towards something and not running away from something. Ambition is never driven by fear or insecurity.

·      Hammers are leaders

o   Hammers often possess leadership qualities. They are open to creative criticism and maintain a positive attitude in the wake of it. Hammers are always open to new ideas and different perspectives but they do not depend on it. Hammers are able to adapt, they are able to get comfortable outside their comfort zones. Leaders are wise, in that they are able to decipher which situations need a leader and which ones require them to work effectively in a team. More importantly, they are able to function effectively in both circumstances.

·      Keep a firm balance

o   There is a difference between having a mind of your own and not being receptive to creative criticism. Being hard-headed is never a positive personality trait. A hammer is also able to say ‘no’ without feeling obligated to give an explanation. This is not to say that they are comfortable being rude because that is unattractive. This is just to say that hammers are not ‘yes-men’, they are not people pleasers. They are able to make sound decisions and be comfortable with them. A hammer is articulate and always conscious of tact and timing when communicating.

This is a perfect time to discuss and clarify some misconceptions often associated with being hammers and nails.

1.    There is a popular quote that basically means that hammers often treat other people who are not as outspoken or dominant as them, like nails. Although this is often accurate, a true hammer is considerate of other people’s feelings. A true hammer is often the leader of the group but makes sure to respect and recognize that every person contributes a peculiar perspective to the group. A true nail recognizes that every person has a magic that is just their own, a magic that cannot be duplicated.

2.     Contrary to popular opinion, a hammer can be firm and stand their ground without turning people off. Hammers often have dominant personalities but this is more like a common trait and not a pre-requisite. Some of the world’s most famous hammers are extremely soft-spoken and it works. A strong personality is not a manipulative or over-bearing, it is one that is firm and one that commands respect without directly asking for it. Having a strong personality is not off-putting, it is not an excuse to be rude and inconsiderate and difficult. A hammer is not overbearing, manipulative or forceful of their personal opinions.

3.     There are couple of people who do not realize that they are nails. For example, the “God has a plan” nails. These are people who are waiting for God to physically give them everything they want. Now, I am a Christian and I do believe that God has a plan for every person. However, I also believe that he leads one to this plan and multiplies your efforts to get in line with His plan. Being a hammer requires a conscious decision and a significant level of effort. A person who is sitting or lying down often cannot be helped and zero multiplied by any number, no matter how big, is still zero.

4.     Being a hammer or a nail is not a personality trait. Being a hammer or a nail is a choice; not making a choice is also a choice. Being a hammer or a nail is social not biological. Even if one comes from a long line of dead weights, it is not in the genes, it is the constant and consistent contact with such people that pushes one to similar behaviour. Some people grow up in environments and families where they are not required to take any responsibility. Places where they have been spoon-fed and cuddled. The positive thing is that since being a hammer is social, people have control and are able to make the decision for themselves and this decision does not have a time limit. The earlier the better though, because the older one grows, the more difficult it becomes for one to change their lifestyle. Not because it is impossible but just because people become set in their ways and unwilling to change.

Being a hammer is in your own personal interest.  A hammer will always have the upper hand over the nail. Hammers are leaders and nails are their followers. Hammers will always get first pick and nails are always left with the seconds of hammers.

            It all comes down to self-confidence and self-esteem.  A healthy level of self-confidence and self-esteem fosters the mentality and thought process of a leader. A level of self-love, self-worth and self-respect ensures that one feels confident and comfortable in their own skin. It helps one realize the value of their voice and the fact that they too, have something significant to bring to the table. You can bring something to the table if you do no know you have it. It also helps one recognize that they do not have to make someone else feel less to feel more. This is one of the greatest and most valuable lessons one can learn in life.

How do you see it?

       The Oxford dictionary defines the word “attitude” as a settled way of thinking or feeling about something. In my opinion, this definition portrays and conveys the longevity of an attitude, as opposed to a feeling or even an emotion. This definition is particularly significant because it highlights the fact that an attitude, whether good or bad requires an active decision on an individual’s part. It also stresses the fact that developing an attitude requires time and thought, which makes it very difficult to change once developed. Keeping and maintaining a positive attitude has become increasingly difficult but it has also become extremely important and significant. 

Attitude is what distinguishes a success from a failure. It is not so much ‘what it is’ as it is ‘how you see it’. This suddenly reminds me of a dress that circulated on social media a few weeks ago. Some people perceived the colour of the dress to be white and gold while others saw it as blue and black. According to scientists, the inconsistency was caused by the difference in the way each individual brain is wired.

A positive attitude makes you appreciate every single second of life. It makes you a more centered human being. It is the common thread that ties together all successful people. A good attitude also attracts so many other positive traits like patience, perseverance and resilience. So, here are a few tips to ensure you keep a positive attitude.

 (1) SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot stress and emphasize this enough. Smile when it feels like it’s the hardest. Smile when people try to bully or frustrate you, because for one it confuses them and it connects you with the kind of strength you probably do not know you have. Smile because it brings out the best part of you. Smiling because it only takes one more facial muscle than frowning does. If your present does not make you smile, focus on the future and where you see yourself after the storm of your present passes.

(2) Surround yourself with the right people

You cannot be positive and belief in yourself if everyone around you focuses on the negative. Do not let people become obstacles to your happiness. Surround yourself with people who believe in the magic and potential you possess, people who trust your dopeness. Two or three heads are always better than one if they all have positive attitudes. Just like with any other journey, travelling with more people makes it more fun. Surround yourself with people who belief in your vision and are committed to your mission. 

(3) Figure out quick ways to relax yourself 

This way you spend less time pouting and wallowing in self-pity and more time engaging in effective and useful activities. Sometimes, a good cry is all you need to let go of all the negative energy, anxiety and anger you have been holding on to. After a good cry, I find that I am able to focus more and think more clearly. A good bath also helps a lot. I depend on the calls I make to my sisters to just vent when I have had a bad day.  I also recommend a good playlist or krispy kreme glazed donuts. 

(4) Make an effort to meet other people

You never know how blessed and fortunate you are until you talk to someone who is in a much worse situation than you. There are people who are praying to be in your exact position, no matter how impossible it appears.  Having a candid conversation often shows you that everyone is fighting a battle. As a university student, I am exposed to thousands of clubs and organizations that have multiple people who are in my exact position. It is important to take advantage of such opportunities because having a conversation with a person who knows exactly how you feel is extremely soothing and could be exactly what you need to change your attitude and perspective.

(5) ASK FOR HELP!!!!!!!!!!

It is sometimes as simple as this. I personally have learned this the hard way. I was late to almost all my classes in the first month of university because I found it a bit difficult to navigate my city-sized campus. It was not until I began to really struggle that I realised the importance of asking for help. Ask for help, when you still have a choice. Asking for help in no way indicates weakness, inferiority or stupidity. In fact, it is quite the opposite because it takes a significant level of strength, courage and self-respect to ask for help when you need it. A firefighter can only help a victim that does not respond when he calls out of luck. If one waits to answer a fireman when he calls out, he could lose his chance and become unconscious from inhaling all the fumes. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR LIFE TO CHANCE AND FATE. Please ask for help when you need it… I mean when it comes down to it, it’s just easier…

I really hope at least one of these can be your first step to developing a positive attitude. One of my favourite vloggers, Giovanna Fletcher once said “the more of something there is to climb, the further I’ll get to go”. To me, this quote has many meanings but ultimately, it is the very essence of a positive attitude. It is true essence of perseverance and resilience. With this in the back of your mind, no matter how bad life may get, you will end up triumphant. 

   I vow to always remember that life is a journey, and sometimes it gets tedious and annoying. In these trying moments, I am going to be truly appreciative of the pain and the weakness and the defeat I feel. I am going to be conscious of and sensitive to the fact that the way I feel ultimately determines how far I travel and how much I achieve. Life is to be enjoyed; so I am going to enjoy every single second of it, struggle or stride.

This or that tag...

1)   Pepsi or coke?

Coke, what is this? That’s like asking if its ok to pay with monopoly money

2)   Strawberries or blueberries?

I don’t love either one, but I appreciate strawberries in a salad or a strawberry banana smoothie. So, strawberries I guess

3)   Rock or rap?

Rap, duh! Even though my favourite band is McBusted, which if you don’t know who they are… SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!

4)   Horror or Comedy?

Simply because Kevin Hart was born, I think the obvious choice is comedy. Horror is an actual waste of time, if you ask me

5)   Blue or green?

Green for sure, my favourite colour is actually green

6)   Night or morning?

I’d like to say night because I don’t play when it comes to my sleep, but I’m going to say morning because the night time generally, just makes me think of all the things I was supposed to do that day but haven’t

7)   Life or death?

Ok? Moving on…

8)   Make-up or no make-up?

I’d like to be all deep and say no make-up, like celebrities who are in an obvious intense relationship with photo shop would say. However, I’d like to think I’m a real person and not a togetherness of people’s standards… Kim Kardashian! so I’m going to say make-up. Even though rubbing my eyes when I feel like it would be blissful

9)   Jeans or leggings?

Leggings

10)  Starbucks or Tim Hortons?

Starbucks, even though I’ve only ever ordered a green tea lemonade and cake pop. So, technically… doesn't count

11)  Dairy queen or Baskin Robbins?

It's all just ice-cream if I'm being honest. Baskin Robbins, I guess… I mean since I have never tried Dairy Queen

12)  Spring or Fall?

Spring weather, fall fashion

13)  Winter or Summer?

SUMMER!!!!!
 I live in Canada, so in the winter, you generally question your wanting to be alive. The hope of summer is everything to people like me

14)  Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla ice-cream, but chocolate everything else…

15)    Cats or Dogs?

None, but if it is like a life or death, gun to the head type thing, I can tolerate a tiny, tiny dog

16)     Nachos or French fries?

I’d rather eat sand than cheese so French fries…

17)     Hotdogs or Hamburgers?

Hotdogs, mainly because I am lazy and cheap; and there are hot dog food trucks right across the road from my apartment

18)      Skittles or Starburst?

Oooooh that’s tough, um… I’ll just go with starburst because I haven’t had them in a while… and this question just made me remember how much I LOVE them

The fault in our stars...

            For those of you who have seen the movie, this is not a review. I just recently saw the movie and it truly inspired me. If I am being totally honest, I actually first saw the movie a while ago, but I realize now, watching it again, that I did not have an honest appreciation for the story being told the first time around.

            For those of you who are yet to see the movie, in the briefest way possible, the movie is about a teenage girl; who is diagnosed with lung cancer very early on in her life. At the start of the movie, she is basically waiting to die, being sustained by a ventilator, which she is forced to carry around every single second of every single day. This to me is symbolic and indicative of not only the psychological but the physical burden being in her own skin brings. Pretty earlier on, she meets and falls in love with a boy who she meets as a cancer support group. In the beginning of their relationship, he is in remission after the amputation of his leg. Unfortunately, he eventually dies of a relapse that affects all his organs.  It sounds like a sad movie, which it was but not sad in the way you think. Watching the movie almost felt like a necessary sadness.

It explores a unique love story of two people who know exactly what the other is feeling, which is rare for any relationship. This story stands out in my mind because it does not sugar coat the situation in any way. It allows them to rely on each other and feel pain as a valid, raw and undiluted emotion. Their relationship allows them to feel sad and defeated at times, which I think is just as important as fighting back.

            Their story inspired me to write and encourage as many people as possible to not be shy or afraid to feel any emotion they feel. The worst thing a person can do is to hide what they are feeling in an attempt to make another person feel more comfortable. It is unfair for to feel like it is your responsibility to make another person feel better about your pain.

            The title; originally derived from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, is indicative of the fact that sometimes horrible things happen in life and no one is to blame. It just is. Sometimes, there is no silver lining, no light at the end of tunnel as far as you can see, and that’s ok. Sometimes, it is not so much our ability to find the rainbow that matters, as it is our ability to weather the storm.

            Sadness is a valid emotion and it demands to be felt. Jonathan Safran Foer once said “you cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness”. I think this quote speaks volumes because it is reflective of the fact a perfect world does not exist. It almost forces us as humans to persevere through the sadness and misery in hopes of finding the beauty in our imperfect world.

            I come from a culture that like many other cultures, quantifies sadness; a culture that turns sadness into a mechanical phenomenon. For example, when a woman loses her husband, she is expected to wear black and observe a set number of days of mourning. During this period, she is not allowed to leave her home or engage in any kind of social activity. It is almost as though society dictates to a woman how she should feel and how she should mourn the loss of her husband; which seems cruel and insensitive.

            I feel like I am in a good position to speak about sadness as an emotion because I have felt it in many different ways. That being said, in my opinion, when something devastating happens to a person, the literal worst thing you can say if you have not experienced the same exact thing is, “I know how you feel”. If you do not literally mean these words, it is borderline insulting to utter them. It is disrespectful because it belittles the gravity of the tragedy.

            In my twenty years, I have a lost a cousin (who was more like my little brother) who died when he was four years old and more recently, my grandfather, who was eighty-three years old. Naturally, you would think that my little cousin’s death would be more difficult to deal with, which it was, but not for the seemingly obvious reasons. They were and still are two entirely different kinds of pain and I still think about both of them everyday.

            In terms of time, there is not a limit to the number of days you can feel sad. It could be two months or two decades, sometimes it could last a lifetime. Never feel like you cannot feel sad because the event happened a while ago. The duration of your mourning period is your decision, do not let anyone take that away from you.

            Closure is a big word under such circumstances. Personally, I lost both my cousin and my grandpa while I was away in Canada and they both died at home in Nigeria. This invoked two very different emotions in me. No doubt it made it hurt a thousand times more, just because both times I felt, in addition to my sadness, a sense of disbelief and confusion. I felt and sometimes still feel very up in the air about it. Truthfully, not being in Nigeria also meant that I didn’t have to deal with my emotions as soon as I found out. It was a lot easier and more convenient to chuck my feelings away and avoid them as much as possible because I did not physically feel their absence in Canada. This is not an advisable way to deal with these types of situations, because it makes dealing with them eventually a lot worse. But recognize that there is also, no right way to deal with the emotions you do feel. The only thing you can do is what you feel is best for you at the time.

I guess what I am trying to say is, treat sadness with as much attention and respect as you do other emotions. Be accepting of it in its purest form. The fact that you choose to feel pain when horrible things happen, does not make you a pessimist or masochist, it makes you human. Remember, our world is not perfect, bad things happen to good people all the time. Choosing to be oblivious to this fact is not wise in any way, shape or form. There is and always would be a fault in our stars.

INSPIRATION

           Let me start by saying, there is no one who is inspired every single second of every single day, but this in no way affects its significance. That being said, there are so many ways to stay inspired and I am going to share my top seven from personal experience, friends, family and of course our old pal (let’s forget I used the word ‘pal’) Google.  

(1)  Take a long walk

          As humans, it is in our nature to only focus on the negative. However, a long walk offers… a long walk offers… almost sounds like a resort commercial. Ok, back to my point. Long walks are amazing, you get to be alone and hear yourself think. Because sometimes you need to listen to yourself to realize that you are being totally ridiculous. Besides you never know what you’ll see and be inspired by, it could be a person or a song out of someone’s car.

(2)  Give!

          There is something about experiencing the need of someone else that makes you see that you have a lot more than you think. Whether it is through a gofundme story or physically visiting an orphanage, it actually truly helps. Also, if you can afford to give your time on a more permanent basis, find a place that supports a cause you are passionate about and volunteer there. I started volunteering during my International Baccalaureate Diploma Program in Ghana, but at that time it was nothing more than a requirement. However after a few months, I began to truly enjoy it. So when I moved to Canada for university, I also started volunteering at the Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus Association of Ontario and it has been fulfilling.

(3)  Write the way you feel

Sometimes you just need to de-clutter (don’t know if that’s a word). Sometimes, you have so much on your mind and because of that, you literally cannot get anything done. Many times, people have so much worry and anxiety about things they cannot change, and that is a  total and absolute waste of time. Writing could be personal, like in a diary or a journal or it could be more accessible to others, like through a blog. If writing is not your thing, then make a video or talk to someone you are comfortable with, whatever you do, get it out! It truly helps!

(4)  Create a vision board AND a bucket list

            Let’s start by differentiating between a vision board and a bucket list. A vision board usually contains career or family related goals whereas a bucket list is more fun and adventurous. Thinking about or reminding yourself of where you want to be in the future or what you makes you the happiest; could be the kick you need. A vision board is important because it helps you see yourself in the future and it helps identify things that you can do to get to where you want to be. On the other hand, having a bucket list helps you keep a good balance and frankly, helps you discover the magic in life.

(5)  Music always helps…

            I am a HUGE lover of music, I love music, in all genres and styles. PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS DOES NOT INVOLVE JAZZ. But really, music just has a way of relaxing the mind. My favourites are Beyoncé, Ellie Goulding, Trey Songz and Chris Brown for pop/R&B. Kendrick Lamar and Drake for hip-hop, McBusted for alternative rock, MAGIC! and Bob Marley for reggae. My African favourites are Wizkid, Asa, Sarkodie and Fuse ODG. Sorry I forgot to mention that Soca is really good too, no favourites there. Point is, it helps to find an artist or a couple of artists you like, compile a playlist and go into a little bubble. You may not feel inspired immediately but it de-stresses you (just making up words today) and that definitely makes a difference.

(6)  Surround yourself with cool people

           Right, this is literally so important. What I love about the word ‘cool’ is that everyone has a different definition and that’s okay. But really, it is so important to surround yourself with positive, inspirational people. Remember, the people you hang out with are a reflection of who you are. This is not to say that you should not have a laugh, this is just to say that you need a balance. Hang out with people who you can learn from, who introduce you to new things, people who are truthful and people you can be truthful with. As corny as it sounds, only hang out with people who want the best for you. Most times, inspiration does not come from a huge speech, it comes from the little things like banter with friends at lunch. Always keep an open-mind and allow your definition of ‘cool’ to evolve.

(7)  Look at old pictures

           Old pictures bring back many thoughts, memories and feelings, which as you know, are the start points of most brilliant ideas. For the most part, look at old pictures that show you in a good place, a place where you are happy. Some pictures are bittersweet, because although they may remind you of a sad moment, it could put things in perspective and urge you to do something you had not thought of doing and that's worth it, if you ask me. Also, most people look at old pictures with family, and such an environment can cause better communication and repair strained relationships, which definitely frees up one’s heart and mind to be inspired.

I hope this helps and you become truly inspired. In the words of one of my biggest inspirations, Tom Fletcher, “inspiration is the first step to doing something great”.