13 reasons why being your own #WCW is not self-love

Having a crush on yourself is at least a little conceited, no?

You little narcissist, #WCW as I understand it, is a way to recognize and celebrate girls and women in your life that you admire and respect. Everything does not have to be about you ok?

Not-so-subtle bragging… I mean many times when a girl is her own #WCW, she is most likely showing off a little Chanel or Gucci in the “corner”. But she sprinkles the little #WCW like salt bae at the end of her “God is so great to me” or “I make my own money” caption and suddenly, everything is all peachy again… or at least, it is in her head.

You don’t need a reason to post a cute pic… I mean ain’t nobody trying to know your whole life story because of one small picture. Just post it and go.

You don’t need a reason to post a sexy pic… end of.

It is the same people who are their own #WCW that also claim to be “girl bosses”. Always giving you tips and unsolicited advice. And I feel like I should point out that I am not bitter or anything and I don't knock anyone’s hustle and at the end of the day, it is your own damn Instagram page. But I mean, it can get really annoying and sometimes the tone can be quite patronizing and condescending and slowly, you look more like a know-it-all than anything else.

Trying too hard to prove that you are “gucci” - You know that picture you take when you have just stopped being friends with someone or you have just broken up with your boyfriend, yeah? The “I can do bad all by myself” one. The one that reeks of desperation… yeah, that one. I mean it is alright to be lonely or be sad or feel pain. There is no need to keep up appearances on social media, if nothing else, it is extremely exhausting.

We know you have been going to the gym. Well… if you are like me, this one only truly annoys you because you know you want that body, but you are just too damn lazy but I mean it is still annoying, so yeah, it makes it to this list.

The #WCW “group picture”. You know the one where you got that angle just right but everyone else looks like descendants of Jafar from Aladdin. You caption the picture “only winners in my circle” or “all my girls are getting it” but you know damn well that you are the only one who looks like they are getting anything. Needless to say, if the only way you feel like you can look good is to make everyone else look bad, then there is something fundamentally wrong.

The #WCW “celebrity picture”. You know the one you take with a really cool female celebrity. See, the picture itself I am sure is totally innocent, however, when you leave an “it was nice seeing you again” or “amazing catching up with you babe” or “She’s just such an amazing friend” caption, it turns sour because baby boo, you are name-dropping and nobody likes a name dropper.

The #WCW “I woke up like this” picture. The one where you are wearing little to no makeup and you are in sweats with your hair tied up. You convince yourself that you are being vulnerable and showing your followers that it is ok to not look amazing all the time. But in actual fact, if we are all being honest, you know damn well, you look good and you are just fishing for compliments, which I can’t think of anything more annoying.

Being your own #WCW is just another way we convince ourselves that we are special and invincible. We live in a time where we are constantly told that we are special and invincible and magical. So, being your own #WCW is just another way to perpetuate the status quo and make you feel justified in your vanity. It is same reason Kim Kardashian can post a naked picture on Instagram and all the rhetoric around it be about “self love” and “self acceptance”.

SELF-love should be for you, posting it on social media isn’t. If you have an active social media account, then you know that most of your posts are for your followers. Which wanting validation and acceptance from other people is not bad, in fact, it is human. What I do not agree with is being dependent on it. The longevity of self-love is dependent on one’s ability to reflect their self-love and acceptance to their followers and not the ability to see yourself through other people’s eyes.

How to ward off bullshit

      This one will be colourful… just thought I’d give you a heads up. Anaïs Nin was on to something when she said, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” I think this basically means that it is not possible to have the same relationship or friendship with two different people. Each friend represents a world that is totally new and yet to be explored by you. It is now left to you to let your gut and intuition guide you organically and help you ward off the bullshit on that journey. Sometimes, there is so much fuss and drama and stress that the journey itself is not worth continuing and that’s ok. I think that the most toxic relationships and friendships are elongated and forced out of a sense of obligation, often an obligation to everyone but you. So first, I agree with Jaydip Kansas when he says “No matter what anyone says to you, you don’t have to have dinner with them, live with them or go to bed with them.” This basically means that you are an adult and you should not do anything you do not want to do. Following your gut is not selfish or self-centred, it is sometimes necessary for your own peace of mind.
I know that getting to this headspace isn't easy, I mean.. friendship has always been something I have struggled with. However, I feel like as I learn more about myself, I begin to attract the right kind of people and this has made getting rid of the wrong people a little more doable. This past weekend, I attended an artsy fartsy event where one of the speakers said “when one begins to discover who they are, they simultaneously attract an appropriate support system” and while this is very well said, and accurate in a lot of cases, a little intuition is also helpful. I say this because, with discovering exactly who you are, often comes exposure and recognition, thus it can become difficult to differentiate between who is attracted to who you are and who is attracted to what you have. So, here’s what I wish I knew a few years or even a couple of months ago about “friends”.
A wise man, scratch that, a wise person (feminist and all) once said “when a person shows you who they are, believe them”. So, the most obvious red flag I think is that a toxic friend offers you spiteful criticism and quite often too. When a person starts a conversation with something like “no offence but..” best believe that you will be offended by the end. This is because such conversations come from a place of envy or jealousy, a place that cannot be happy for your own successes and victories. In such conversations, the other person is looking to discredit you, belittle your achievements and lift themselves up by pushing you down and this should be unacceptable to you.
A toxic friend is a freeloader, cheap and “forgetful.” We all have or have had that one friend that is always “busy” or “really broke” around your birthday. The one who puts a post up on Instagram before they call you or text you, yeah that one. A toxic friend helps themselves to your time, money and resources and are totally unwilling to return the favour. A toxic friend always has to be the queen of the castle at all times. A toxic friend has to have all the attention on them at all times. They are not trying to hear what is going in your own life and they except you to be fine with that. They only call you to gossip or to complain because as far they know, they are the only ones who have a life. They always bring drama that is conveniently, never their fault and they always want you to pick their side, regardless of the way you feel or who is right. When you argue with them or call them out, they find a way to turn it around and blame you. They have no problem pressuring you into doing things that you are not comfortable with. By now, a few faces should have popped up in your head, so here’s how I warded off the bullshit, whether or not that included the entire friendship - *didn’t I tell you that I was a savage* (Dad, that’s a song).

      Stop ignoring the red flags. In order to see red flags, you have to have set standards and values that are important to you in a friendship. I’ll give you an example, I used to be friends with this girl, let’s call her Ashley. Once, Ashley stayed over at my apartment and when I woke up in the morning, I overheard her say to someone on the phone “Be quiet, let me speak”. So I thought to myself, she is obviously speaking to her boyfriend or one of her other friends and that’s none of my business. A couple of seconds after and in a much more aggressive tone, I heard “Be quiet Mum, I am speaking”… Now, while this may not be a red flag for you, it definitely was one for me. Of course, at the time, I made excuses for her, I said to myself “Not everyone can have the kind of relationship you have with your mother with their own mother”,”It’s none of my business”. And I mean, this is true, her relationship with her mother IS none of my business, however being disrespectful to your mother is not acceptable to me in any context. So, I should have at least had a conversation about it but I didn't because I was scared to lose the friendship, which is another very common pitfall.
      Like most worthwhile courses of actions, having a truly honest conversation is much more difficult than it sounds. Well… at least it is for me. However, it is incredibly important to have these difficult conversations to maintain or restore your personal peace. To initiate and power through these conversations, you have to remind yourself that in that moment, your inner peace is more important than the feelings of the other person, which if you are being totally honest, you cannot control in the first place. You have to remind yourself and them that your decision to call them out or end the friendship is not coming from a spiteful or vindictive place. It does not mean you think they are a bad person, it just means that their energy and vibe is not conducive to your peace. In fact, these conversations go much smoother when you are willing to admit to your own faults. It does take two to tango and to be fair, your “friend” is not wrong to assume that there was no issue prior to having this conversation. But at the same time, you are saying something now and rightfully so, because as an adult, it is your duty to control the energies around you. I guess what I am trying to say here is that it is all about meeting them halfway and finding that sweet spot between being sensitive to your own faults and being brutally honest about theirs.
      Powering through and expressing your feelings is on you, their reaction to whatever it is you have to say however, is not on you in a way. After the conversation and after you have given them the chance to offer their perspective, the onus shifts back to you. You then have to decide if you are willing to fight for the relationship or if you need to end it. If you are going to continue a friendship and build that trust back up, you have to be willing to let it go. Now this might give you the impression that forgiveness is contingent on you wanting to continue to have a friendship. However, it is not. Forgiveness should not be negotiable because it is imperative if you are going to ward off the anger and bitterness and anxiety that the relationship has caused. Forgiveness is all about perspective. Forgiveness is only difficult when you see it is as a favour to a person who has offended you as opposed to a thing you do for yourself. When you choose to forgive a person who has offended you, you agree to let it go… forever and ever, never to be brought up again, which is a good thing for you as well, if you really think about it. If you find that, you struggle to let your anger go and move on, then end the friendship respectfully. There is no point stringing the other person along and putting on a smile when you are dying on the inside and their level of oxygen intake is annoying you. Now I know all this sounds all adult-like, civil and noble and drama free and in actual fact, things can be a lot messier. But make no mistake, keeping it classy is in no way meant to serve the other person. It is all for you, it is a lot more comforting, leaving a situation knowing that you handled it the best way you could. Ending a friendship is extremely emotional and arduous, so it becomes imperative that you take the time to heal and really move on. Many toxic friendships are born out of trying to prove to an “ex-friend” that you are all good, despite the friendship ending. In actual fact, such childish escapades are unnecessary. It is a lot easier to push through your pain and learn to have your own back than it is to put on that whole facade. When you don't take the time for yourself to heal, you end up becoming desperate to fill the space your friend used to be. This leads to you to become desperate and willing to enter into a series of unhealthy, toxic relationships where you are taken advantage of. And those relationships end badly and it becomes an addiction and a cycle that is much harder to break.

A Shot of Hennessy and Some Generic Fruit Juice

       You know when you are all nervous and jittery and when you have to change your first outfit because of the huge sweat patch? You don’t know how but you manage to convince yourself that the person you are going on a date with is probably a serial killer or a monster who runs a sweatshop in his basement and he will tie you up and lock you down there because you deserve it? Then you talk yourself down and convince yourself that you are overthinking the situation? Especially because in reality, he is the one who has to impress you, because you are smart, and witty and fabulous then you go back to feeling all nauseous and sweaty again because you are not? Yeah, well… this was me the evening of my first date and as it turns out, I was right. I should have been feeling like that, and just stayed in bed and watched Netflix like I wanted to deep down because, well because… I went on the date… and before I get into the actual happenings, it was… horrible… THE worst.
A little back story. I met this guy, you know what, scratch that.. I met this BOY, a little over a year ago at a mutual friend’s 21st birthday dinner. We pretty much hung out the entire night and he was cute and funny and charming. I mean, we talked and flirted (which I did not think I was capable of) and  we kissed a little and talked some more. A fourth year student at the University of Toronto, double-majoring in Political Science and History and minoring in French. You see? potential. So, he asked me for my number and added me on snapchat, because what is the difference these days? and we talked on and off the whole of last year. In December, he became a bit more forthcoming and consistent with the texts and snapchats and the lovestruck emojis, so I’m thinking this is going great. I mean, I probably got ahead of myself in head, but that’s not the point.
This past January, he asked me to go to a concert with him. First of all, FINALLY!!! and second, I’m thinking, this is smart, the perfect no pressure situation. A loud hiphop concert, so we can get the talking out of the way before and when we get there, we can just enjoy the music and have a few cuddles. Boy, was I wrong? I get to his apartment and this is about 8pm, and he is already halfway drunk but see, I am still making excuses for him in my head. I mean, this is a hiphop concert, its chill… he is not my boyfriend yet, he is allowed to do whatever he wants. I sit on the couch and take off my jacket because again with the sweatiness. He offers me a bit of Hennessy and fruit juice, and hands me a glass. As I make my drink, he hovers and proceeds to ask me if I brought any alcohol with me. Because you know? as the cheapie that he is, he cannot afford to let go of a little Hennessy and generic fruit juice.  We sit in silence for about ten minutes, after which he so politely and graciously informs me that he is going to the balcony to have a smoke and I could join him if I wanted. Again, I overlook the attitude and think to myself, I am a big girl, I can handle myself, he does not have to check in with me every two seconds.
On the balcony, he lights his cigarette and gives me a confused look and asks “what is your major again?.” Oo you mean the one I have probably told you twelve times already, but its ok, its a bit awkward so I’ll do anything for a little conversation. He makes a few jokes and calls me “impressive” so I blush and giggle like a little school girl. He then informs me that, we have to pick up a few of his “G’s” because they are going to the concert as well and makes sense for us to go together. All I could think was “this has got to be a joke”, “I took a shower for this!”, “Like, am I being punk’s”. This was it, this was the point I realized that I wasn’t on a date. I was either one of the guys or a booty call but again, I am getting ahead of myself.
So, we pick up his “G’s” and we all cram into the ONE uber he called. He also makes a gesture to me that suggests that for some strange reason, I should be extremely grateful for this but you know what? He can’t steal my joy because I hear one of the two songs I know and I have to get into the concert before it is over. We dance a little and cuddle and he tells me I smell like a garden of roses, MAJOR brownie points. By this point, I know exactly what he wants and I know he didn't say this to compliment me. He has probably done this a thousand times before and figures that a well-placed line like this could get him a lot further along in less time. So, I don't act the least bit phased and suddenly he begins to look a little worried. As the night progressed, it was clear to me that this was never about me or the concert. He could barely keep his hands to himself, which would normally be a compliment but it was not.
At about 11pm, the concert was over. I was tired, HUNGRY, half my makeup had melted off my face and I was irritated as hell so I just wanted to go home but no, this boy asks me to come back to his apartment to watch “Parks and Recreation.” What is so insulting is not even the fact that it was such a blatant lie, it was the fact that I meant so little to him that he couldn't be bothered to come up with a better excuse to drag me back to his apartment. The entitlement in his voice became more and more apparent,  and suddenly he began to look at me like I owed him this, because he bought me a ten dollar ticket and paid for my cab. I literally called my uber and got out of there as fast as I could. As soon as I get in my uber, I send him twenty dollars, so that we are clear that I do not owe him anything. Needless to say, we haven't spoken since and I am fine with that. My nerves and jitters were Jesus’ way of telling me to sit my ass in my apartment and watch Gilmore Girls in peace and I should have listened. All I could think of on my ride home was “what a goddamn waste of my time and my false eyelashes!”

Self-Sabotage

        William Jennings Bryan once said “Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” This can be quite difficult to fully grasp, when we are constantly told that we are special, and different and worthy, because such words resonate and give us comfort and unconsciously translate into a passivity and a dangerous nonchalance. We are convinced that no matter what happens, we will be “ok” and “everything will work out,” which is great and noble but I worry that this attitude can make us our own worst enemy.

On a recent episode of Grey’s Anatomy, Jesse Williams snatched all my edges when he pointed out that when we choke and stumble and stutter, it is not because the timing is off or because we are overreacting, we choke and stumble and stutter because when we speak our truth, it is often extremely uncomfortable and frightening. It is uncomfortable and frightening not because it isn't true or worth a discussion, but because we worry that we will say something wrong or be misunderstood, but this is a risk worth taking because the only thing worse than saying something wrong is not saying anything at all. I should also point out that many times, we feel uncomfortable because we try to make other people feel comfortable with our truth. Sometimes, the awkward pauses and the uncomfortable conversations are important for our own peace of mind. But it does not stop there, even though it very often does. After the awkwardness, you move on, you let it go, you forgive. To forgive, according to the Merriam Webster dictionary, is to stop feeling anger toward someone who has done something wrong. Many times people struggle to forgive because they feel it is a favour to the person who has treated them horribly. And I mean it is, but you know, it is all about perspective. In my opinion, the satisfaction of having something to hang over someone’s head is not worth the anxiety that comes with unforgiveness and bitterness. I think forgiveness becomes a little less difficult when you see it as something you are doing for yourself and not for them.

Speaking of toxic relationships, I recently learned that not everyone you get along with needs to be your friend and not everyone you form a friendship with is meant to be in your life forever. Friendship is very tricky, so I think the most important thing I have learned is not to force it, to let it happen organically. If you have to add something to your life to have something in common with a person, that can a red flag. I mean, chances are you are going to have to keep buying the things you will have in common with this person and if you are at the beginning of your career like me, this just isn't practical. Besides, anyone who belittles the way you live and the person you are, (assuming you are not a bloody horrible monster who collects little girls) is not worth your time or energy. This is not to say that you absolutely cannot form a friendship with a person you have nothing in common with. This is just to say that if you have to change who you are to become friends with a person, chances are that you will continue to change who you are to please this person and this is unhealthy.           The only people who are worth your time are the ones who accept you for the person you are right now. The ones who believe in you and your potential but whose friendship is not contingent on who they think you can be. Time is precious and unfortunately it is a finite and non-renewable resourse, thus it is counterintuitive to not make the most of the little that you do have. Whether it is spending time with dumb people or leaving till tomorrow what you can do today. Don Marquis once said that “procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday” and a literal waste of today. The most effective way to make the most of your time and resources is to get a person or people you can be accountable to. Disappointing another person makes the futility of procrastination significantly more apparent. It is your duty to surround yourself with people who you can learn from and who hold you accountable for your actions, push you out of your comfort zone and challenge you in ways that you cannot challenge yourself.

You know? like real people, not the severely altered and filtered versions of themselves, people put up on their Instagram profiles. One of the biggest sources of self-sabotage is social media and this is ironic because it is all make believe. It is as stupid as it sounds to compare your real life to someone else’s concocted life on social media. I mean, may be they have a better life than you do or maybe they don’t, but you better not be making this comparison off of their Instagram profile. I mean I’ll admit, I want to look cool and look like I have an amazing life on social media and who does not. It is not bad to want these things, what is unhealthy is being so focused on the way you look that you become desensitized to what is actually real. Social media is especially horrible and destructive because you never come across those Instagram accounts of your friends who are doing amazing things when you are having a super-productive day, it is almost always on the days when you feel horrible and like you are just the biggest failure. On those days, rather than wallow in self pity, take a step back and however many boxes of tissues and/or glasses of red wine it takes to separate what is real from what is fake and focus on what is real and the people and things that you do have in your life, because making this distinction has the potential to change the rest of your life.