I am 23 and I already feel like I'm babbling...

       

      Oscar Wilde once said “One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.” Well… too late Oscar Wilde, I’m 23 years OLD, which… I mean, is pretty much 30, like… if we are being totally honest. Also who is this “one” you speak of? In any case, I totally disagree, I think you SHOULD absolutely trust a woman who honestly tells you how old she is. I don’t know how getting older has become such a taboo, all of a sudden, age has been made to be this horrible, horrible thing that we (especially women) should absolutely avoid and do everything within our power to work against. When a man gets grey hair, he is called a silver fox but when its a woman, she has stress highlights and she needs to book an appointment with the salon as soon as possible to sort it out. 
      In my mind, there is a massive difference between staying relevant/educating yourself about the status quo and being totally oblivious to a looming mid-life crisis/psychological breakdown. I get so frustrated by 40-something year old men who still sag their trousers or 40-something, 50-something year old African women who feel the need to fake a British accent to look cool. Like, hunty, you went to school in Nigeria and you built your entire life in Nigeria, what’s with the “oi, mate?” 

We are a generation that is so incredibly obsessed with being “the first one to…” and being great and cool and hip and alternative and “other,” that we have almost totally discredited and disregarded the freedom and the wisdom that accompanies age. I mean, in this new age of social media, we are constantly and consistently bombarded with images and narratives and beautiful stories of young leaders and trailblazers, who have won Oscars and Grammys before they the morning of their 25th birthday, which is great. But you know what else is great? You!!!!! Yes, you! Unemployed? Single? Frustrated? Totally confused? Call 1800- … I’m kidding. But, no seriously… I’ve talked on here about fighting the urge to compare your behind-the-scenes to another person’s “showtime!!!!!” moment. Comparison is futile and problematic and an unnecessary burden. 

      In the more conservative societies, the value of a girl is measured by how quickly she is able to become someone’s wife. And guess who sets these ridiculous standards and normalizes such oppressive practices and belief systems? Bingo!!!! MEN. The ones who feel that they are equipped to tell a woman about her journey and what she should and shouldn’t have. Marriage is set as the ultimate goal because you know, there is nothing to be said for FINALLY becoming more comfortable in your own skin and ACTUALLY making something of yourself. It is men like Oscar Wilde, who are brilliant, maybe, but also misogynistic twats that have been given the power and say-so for far too long. It is men like Oscar Wilde and Harvey Weinstein that have tried to shut women up because there is something to be said for honesty, the truth is often inconvenient and it hurts, but that does not make it any less important or valuable. Oscar Wilde and other men, and sadly, other women have been conditioned and brainwashed against the truth because it often compromises their power and prestige and socioeconomic status. Oppressors have learned that often the only way to defeat another individual is to tell them and teach them that the truth and their truth doesn’t matter, juuuust long enough for them to believe it. The best way to conquer a group is to pit them against one another. So now that I am 23, I am going to choose to protect my happiness and build other people around me who are on similar journeys up. I am not going to be selfish with my resources and I am not going to compete with anyone but myself and I am no longer going to try to one up the next person. While I am at it and now that I am 23, I should also probably…

Stop putting soooooo much pressure on myself…

      I am reminded… a fair bit actually, that no one is as together as they may seem on social media and even if they are, they worked really really REALLY hard to get there and even if they have managed to reach a “good place,” or wear a convincing “smile” it does in no way, shape or form mean that their life isn’t hard or that they do not struggle or have difficult days or face challenges and obstacles. It is the internalizing and the processing part that I suck at. However, in the year of 23, I plan to take as many deep breaths and social media cleanses and have as many cries and glasses (maybe bottles of red wine) as is required to stop winding myself up. This may lead to a slow descent into alcoholism but we will cross that bridge when we get there, ok? One bloody thing at a time, my goodness.

Take my faith more seriously

  No, like… really try, put some real effort into it. Christianity, in my opinion, is more a relationship than a religion. Granted it is a relationship with God, a higher power but IT IS, a relationship. And like with any relationship, it takes time and consistency and commitment and sacrifice and honesty and I plan to take my time and go at a steady pace. My plan is to get closer to a place where I don’t feel the need to validate my choices to other people and I can be proud and not try my best to make it “cool” that I love God because it is “cool” to me, and that’s all that should matter. I want to commit to learn more about and experience God for myself. 

Let go of the illusion that I will continue to stuff my face and magically wake up with a body I feel proud of …

  Because that is what it is… an illusion. Like, most girls (I hope), my body confidence goes in cycles. First, there’s the temptation. So, when I’m in Canada, I’ll walk past a Second Cup (coffee shop) and I’ll rationalize “oh I haven’t had breakfast” and then I’ll go in thinking and planning on buying a slice of the glorious banana loaf but always walk out with two. In Nigeria, I don’t even have to go out, between my mum’s fridge and her pantry, I reckon that’s about four or five restaurants… no joke. So yeah, I’m royally screwed when it comes to food, or I mean, I could just be an adult, or like a normal person, and eat my fruits and veggies and drink my water.

Stop pretending I don’t care about boys

      This is just a coping mechanism. Plain and simple. I am so afraid, utterly terrified that I would like a boy and he wouldn’t like me back that instead, I come up with every reason I can to keep any possible boy relationships at arm’s length. I say “oh I am focused on me” or “boys are stupid” or I conclude before he opens his mouth that “he only wants to get laid.” I act like I’ve been hurt or cheated on or something, when.. in reality, I haven’t stayed long enough for any of that to happen. So in year 23, I plan to be open-minded, maintain my high standards but be at least open to conversations and possibly dating. 

Filter not sponge 

      I am probably the most emotional person I know. I constantly take things people say to me literally and personally, when they really aren’t and I am extremely, almost too sensitive to other people’s vibes and energies. I know that it is my duty to protect my energy and my happiness but I often fail myself in that area and that has to change. I have to begin to understand that being a sum total of all my life experiences does not justify choosing to be affected by every single one. I also need to be able to find a balance between taking advice and listening to myself and figuring out what it is, I do want. In year 23, I am going to look to me first for validation.

Remember that the presence of anxiety or fear is not the absence of faith

      It would be awfully convenient to tell you that, in year 23, I will not be afraid but that is probably not going to happen. In life, things happen all of a sudden and the natural instinct is to be afraid but what I am not going to do, is operate in that fear. I am going to do is master the art of pulling myself back up if and when I get anxious or fearful or discouraged. I am going to teach myself to expect good things to happen because expecting good things to happen is not being oblivious to the thousand different ways something could go bad, it is choosing to focus your mind, your time and your energy on the one way it could go right.

Internalize that I am a half way decent person, so I can stop being so surprised when people like me

  I don’t think I am horrible person or anything but I’ve noticed over the last year or so, when I have gotten along with someone or a stranger has complimented me, I have HONESTLY been caught off guard. It's weird because I want people to like me, like I can bit of a people pleaser. Yet, I just automatically think “there are better, smarter, prettier girls than me” which I mean, there obviously are... but that's not the point. However, what I fail to revert back to is the fact that this in no way discredits my own unique beauty or talent. Being aware of the value you add or your amazing personality or your witty sense of humour, does not make you arrogant, it helps you to be confident. Thus, I will try to be less surprised.

Stop feeling so guilty and stop overthinking it when I don’t get along with someone

      Ok, so… if you have read my blog for a little while, you will know that I haven’t had the best luck with friendships. I mean, I have amazing friends but I have also had people treat me less than respectful. Thus, I have unconsciously gained this bias towards myself to where if I don’t get along with a person as soon as they are introduced to me, I automatically think it’s my fault and I’m being difficult. In year 23, I plan to remind myself that a person does not have to be horrible to have no place in my life and in nine out of ten cases, my instincts are spot on.

Learn to fix my own goddamn false lashes

  Because my sister, Ulisan would be soooo proud of me. This is going to take a lot of practice because the last time I tried, I managed to stick all my natural eyelashes together into one huge, messy clump and I feel like I’m still washing out the glue to this day but I will continue to try… wish me luck.

Let it go when my eyebrows don’t look like cousins

  No, seriously… I’m not ashamed to say that I am quite messy in real life, messy… not dirty, there’s a big difference. But I’m borderline OCD when it comes to my eyebrows, like my eyebrows have to match, if not I can have a bad day. It would help me to get ready… on time, if I just let it go, you know?

Stop the stress-acne cycle

      So, right this minute, I have more acne than I have ever done in my entire life. This acne has been triggered by a number of factors, one of which is STRESS. I literally over think everything. I am having lunch later today, with two of my oldest and best friends, and I feel anxious. I have thought about the food, I have thought extensively about the conversation, I have thought up cute anecdotes to throw in incase things get a little frosty, I have worried that maybe they won’t get along and we would all have to sit in silence after an awkward fist fight, all of which isn’t helping my bloody acne. And then I notice new acne, which starts up the entire process again

Start saving a little money

      For the fifth year in a row. But no, I have to be serious now, those scissors sound REAL sharp Dad! Not to mention that our little friend Google has astutely pointed out that  I need to figure some sort of cushion to fall back on and soon because we are getting closer and closer to that when dad and mum decide that I am no longer their financial responsibility. I feel it coming… so better get a move on.

Get to a place mentally, where I don’t doubt myself every time I have to say no or set a boundary

  I know that I have become a lot better at protecting my happiness and control the energies around me in the last year or so, but I would also like to get a little better. Now, I have no problem standing up for myself when I feel I am being slighted or disrespected in any way, it’s the letting go part that is a bit of an issue. Whenever I’ve had to call anyone out or block a troll on social media or stand up for myself in any way, I replay the situation in my head over and over again. I overthink my reaction and I try to rationalize the other person’s hostility and I convince myself that I overreacted and “oh, maybe they didn’t mean any harm.” But in year of 23, screw that! I am going to try my best to put myself first and focus on being in my own corner and not worry so much about the way I chose to defend myself and whether or not it suited the other person. 

Give other lipsticks a fair shot

  I know this may sound deep and like a little bit of reach but I honestly feel like I am not pushing boundaries or thinking outside the box or remotely outside my comfort zone in any area of my life and I am a little bored. When I go on a night out, I tell myself I’m really going to go for it and you know? Do something crazy but I end up wearing the exact same makeup look every time. I wear a bronzy look of some sort and without fail, my trusty MAC “Hug me” lipstick, its a nude-y pink shade so it is barely visible. And I mean, there is nothing wrong with having a go-to look, as a matter of fact, it is quite convenient because it means you spend less time getting ready. However, I want to start tweaking things a little, and changing things up. Lord knows I watch enough YouTube makeup tutorials to semi- pull it off, I mean.. surely!

Stop forgetting to wear mascara

  No, seriously… and I get soooo upset when I remember in the car or the Subway. Every time I forget to put mascara on, I have the same futile conversation in my head. First, I get super angry and I convince myself that I am an irresponsible adult, I mean I cannot even get my own makeup done on time. Then I take it a little further (because you know that’s what I do) and proceed to the whole “I should have woken up earlier/ my time management skills are horrendous/ I am a liar and a fraud” (because that’s one of my go-to strengths when I’m getting interviewed) phase. Then, I simmer down and come to the realization that its not that deep and I can just use one of those Snapchat filters that have false eyelashes, all on my own… so crazy that. But then, when I am actually out, I feel incredibly self-conscious and can never just relax and enjoy myself. So, yeah, sure, wearing mascara is this incredibly superficial thing but if it has the potential to have such a lasting effect on my day, then I feel like I should make an extra effort to remember, I mean… it’s not rocket science.

Try painting my nails a colour that isn’t “baby” anything once in a while

  I mean… blood red is still a solid NO but maybe  pastel green or lilac, I don’t know…just something else. You know what? I should probably tackle the whole feeling guilty for getting my nails in the first place first.

Experiment a little more with fashion… or at least wear more skirts

  I mean I’m almost 30, so my years of experimenting with fashion and being called “cool” or “alternative” and not “bat shit crazy” or an “agbaya” are numbered. I started on this a little bit but I want to do more and go even further. I feel like my style is all over the place, currently under construction. I mean I’m not doing horribly but I want to wear what I want and not care so much what other people think. I would also like to add a few more skirts to my wardrobe, I probably own maybe four skirts and I maybe wear one or two.

Pick the phone when people call me

  I am notorious for not picking up my phone. You see, I think texting is just so much more me. But a lot of people like to call, so I think in year 23, I should meet people halfway and at least pick up my phone sometimes, nothing too crazy. You know what it is? The thing is, I don’t love my voice, and… yeah… I feel like I sound like a man. Also, I am not the chattiest person in the entire world but when I get into it, I can be quite the chatterbox. So, I feel extremely frustrated when I get called or brought into a conversation and I start to feel rushed or like the other person is uninterested in what I am saying. But yeah, I guess people generally like it when you pick up the phone when they call, so I’ll try.

Be more concerned with maintaining functional, adult friendships and relationships than I am with getting my white walls dirty and giving out my wi-fi password.

  I’m always telling my friends how they don’t care about me and how they do the bare minimum but I see a little pot calling a couple of kettles black because I don’t either and I should, period. When my friend calls me on a Saturday to see if I have plans and if they can come over. My brain does this, in the exact order:

Do I have food in my fridge? Usually, nope… so I have to order online or pop over to the grocery store to get snacks

Does this mean I have to stop watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix? Or can I just give them my wi-fi password? But, wait… I don’t want to do that either

My walls are white, and people don’t know how to keep their arms to themselves

I haven’t seen them in a while.. I guess it wouldn’t absolutely suck to see them

Who is going to wash the dishes we use and tidy up when we are done?

Spend more time worrying about what I think of me than I do what others think of me

      Spend less time worrying, period. More than that I am going to begin to take practical steps and invest my time only in activities and people that build me up.

I should probably learn to cook…

...because I'm hopeless in the kitchen and to save money and to stop eating out so frequently, NOT as a badge of honour to shove in other girl’s faces or a thing to show boys (even though I should probably not get so defensive). I struggle to differentiate between boys.. and girls, who are asking if I cook just to get to know me better and those who are asking because they are self-hating, misogynistic pigs. I mean I would feel more comfortable if I was the one who brought up the whole “cooking thing” up in conversation but the fact is, someone has to and the fact that it is a guy asks shouldn’t be an instant red flag. I should give them a chance to say something stupid first, I should give them ample opportunity to get smart in the mouth… is all.

Stop feeling guilty every single time I encounter a person who has less than I do

  It is probably unhealthy to feel guilty whenever I see someone who has less than I do. After all, it is not my duty to help every single person because more than that, it really is impossible. It is only my duty to find a way to give of myself, to provide relief and add value in some capacity. Between making more of an effort to smile and look them in the eye, giving the regular two-dollar coin to the homeless guy on the street, volunteering and being there for the people in my life… I think I am doing ok. Guilt is an admission of fault but not in the way that accepts responsibility but in the way that my heart is telling me that I can do a little more, which I plan to do this year.

Learn how to take a compliment… and not be so awkward.

      If you know me, then you know that I am THE most awkward girl on planet earth and I plan to work on that this year. I think it starts with me embracing the girl I am and the woman I am becoming. I mean I don’t know… I just need to stop being the girl that replies “you too” when someone wishes me a happy birthday. I also never know what to do when I get a compliment, my heart beats really fast and I break out in a sweat and I immediately downplay whatever it is and change the topic as soon as I can. This isn’t healthy, I have learned that it is OK to take credit or smile and enjoy the moment when someone says something nice.

      C.S. Lewis once said “some day you will be old enough to start reading fairytales again” and I love this quote because it encapsulates my hopes for the future. Now more than ever, classic fairytales are being adapted into movies to make them more “realistic” and “relatable” and to bring them back down to earth, which makes me a little sad to be honest. The incessant narrative and rhetoric around the realization that life isn’t a fairytale being the strongest indicator of growth and maturity and adolescence and adulthood is disheartening. I think more than anything else, this quote suggests that it takes age and life experience to begin to believe in magic and happy endings again. It often takes living an entire life worth of experiences to begin to believe in magic and fairy dust again.  I think so many times, it is at the far end of one’s life that one realizes just how good they have had it, and just how magical the life they have had has been. So… more than anything, in this new year I want to look for the magic in the world and find a glimmer of it at least once every single day and hold on to it very tightly. I want to enjoy my victories, big and small, I want to celebrate my victories as they happen, I do not want to wait till the end. At every point, I want to be able to embrace and feel proud of whatever age I am and wherever I am in my life and my journey. I want to continue to have faith and believe that in the midst of my anxiety and uncertainty and in the midst of so much fear and darkness and hate and despair in the world, my life and my journey can be magical and beautiful and full of wonder.

x

2018 Take Two...

      

     No, not the Instagram phenomenon... I mean literal goals. I mean writing at least one thing, hopefully a couple of things down, and looking at that list every day and taking conscious steps to get closer to where you want to be. And yes, I am talking about goals in February because... to be honest, January was a little touch and go, like it was far from what I wanted it to be. I think January taught me to grow at my own pace and focus on my own journey. Now, obviously I'm not totally healed of the cancer that is comparing myself to other people, but the difference is I am now conscious of the feelings and the people and the situations that lead me to comparing myself to other people. I know I can be quite lazy and I quite often find it difficult to be motivated but I have learned that action often comes before passion and enthusiasm. Thus, I have decided to DO. I have decided to figure out little steps I can take everyday to become comfortable in my own skin. Some days, it is writing on my blog, some days it is applying to a couple of jobs, some days it is Netflix and chilling by my own damn self. So yeah, I'm making to executive decision to disregard the 74 days of January and start again. I am starting again, fully aware of the things and the people that tempt me to make old mistakes. I am starting again knowing myself and my mind a little better. I am starting again, taking back my power from Kim Kardashian and her perfect body.

    “Meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters the exact same way.” The first time I heard these words, they were said by American actress Octavia Spencer, when she was delivering the commencement speech to the graduating class of 2017 at Kent State University. However, these words were originally written by a poet called Rudyard Kipling. In his poem “If,” Rudyard Kipling described the qualities that would set a person up for success. Treat triumph and disaster the exact same way. Treat triumph and disaster the exact same way. And the more I thought about it, the clearer it became that the only way to achieve this is by faith.

You see, triumphs and good things are God’s way of reassuring us that there are benefits to serving Him and it is practical to be a Christian. In good times, God gives us jollof rice and chicken and dodo and coleslaw. On the other hand, “disastrous” and trying times are God’s way of showing us that He has given us all we need to flourish. So maybe He doesn’t give you the jolly rice and all, but He gives you the tomatoes and the pepper and maybe you need to ask your neighbour for the onions and buy the live chicken. So maybe you need to chase and blend and cut and stir and boil and fry but the results can be the same. It’s all about perspective. God is there either way, what happens next is up to you. In hard and difficult times, it can be quite hard to see God at work but God being at work is not dependent on your ability to see Him. Faith isn’t waiting on God to show up, faith is going out and doing and expecting God to show up. So in 2018, Do… Lisa Price once said “you don’t have to have every single detail figured out before you venture out and do something.” Lisa Price is the founder of Carol’s Daughter, a line of natural hair products tailored to fit the unique texture of African and African American natural hair. It all started in her kitchen in Fort Greene, Brooklyn, mixing up concoctions, because nothing on the shelves worked for the texture of her hair. Soon enough, people noticed and slowly it turned into a business with real profit and momentum. Still, investors doubted the existence of a niche market and the profitability of the business. Today, every Black girl and her mother and her aunty use Carol’s Daughter products and the company is currently valued at $27 million.

So I agree with African-American actress Isa Rae when she says “there is so much creativity in brokeness.” Yes, money is great… obviously, but the lack of it is no excuse to stay where you are. Network! Maybe you don’t have money but if you meet the right people and you have the right idea, money will come. Yeah, you don’t have money but who is sitting next to you? Chances are your struggles are quite similar, and you can work together or maybe they know someone who you would want to meet, but you won’t know unless you speak to them. 

       Surround yourself with people who speak positively and who you can depend on keep the faith. When you have a problem, what do your friends say? Do they say “ahh you’re done... It's over” or do they say “so this way didn’t work, have you thought about doing it this way? Or talking to this person?” Surround yourself with solution providers.

Set goals in faith and take steps of faith. You see, I am a master at setting goals. I use different colours. I highlight, I draw little butterflies and hearts and everything. It is the following through that hasn’t been as strong. And then I went through a phase where I didn’t believe in goal setting and New Years resolutions because in my mind, they were setting me up for failure. These are the kinds of things you start to believe when you give your power to other people. So, I would set goals like; I want to work for a good company like KPMG, or Google, or Facebook, all while having no real interest and making no real effort with networking and all the things I should have been doing in addition to getting good grades. So of course, by the middle of the year, I’d adjust my goals, in fact my goals would become prayer points because only God could have worked the kind of magic, the kind of miracle I wanted to happen. And I’d say prayers like “Lord, please give me any job” and just end up settling and feeling like a failure, so what was the point of putting myself through this over and over again? But now I know better, I have learned how to fail better. I know that when you fail, you don’t change your goals, you change your plan or change your attitude. You are supposed to be stubborn with your goals but flexible with your plan. You are supposed to do anything and everything but give up, because that is what changing your plan is. Giving up. Changing your plan is giving up because it is essentially you admitting defeat and you saying that you don’t think you have what it takes to achieve the goals you set out for yourself, which maybe you don’t. But again, this is where I have gotten it wrong in the past and most people do. Most people change their minds and decide to pursue something else when they notice their inadequacy but as a child of God, this is where you should give way for God because He is all sufficient. Giving up is worse when you are child of God because it is not only selling yourself and the power and the magic you possess short, it is also selling your God short. It is an insult to God. One of my biggest fears in life is public speaking, and well… and sharing my thoughts publicly, period… and look, I have done it a couple of times now, and they have gone alright, I think, I hope. If you’ve heard me speak publicly and you hated it, please don’t tell me, I like my version better. My point is the only time when changing your mind about what you want isn’t giving up is when you are moving from your own plan for your life to God’s plan.

In the year 2018, I will do things differently. Starting from now (because let’s not talk about January), I will take specific actions to achieve my goals and to make sure I do everything I can to be the woman I want to be. This year I will do things I am terrified of not because I will no longer be afraid, but because I am confident that God will walk into every room I walk into and be in every conversation I have. In 2018, I will surround myself with good people but at the same time, I will do my best not to compare myself to anyone. I will do my best to embrace my own journey because the best and most successful people are not perfect and they don’t claim to be, they are just willing to grow and adapt and be better versions of themselves. In 2018, I will take back power over my thoughts and actions. In 2018, I will stop letting what people may think, have such a hold on me, because people often don’t know what they think. In 2018, I will treat triumph and disaster, the exact same way because I am confident that God has my back 100% and I hope you will too.

Have an amazing 2018!

   

I'm not going to burst your bubble

      Anaïs Nin once said “Had I not created my own world, I would certainly have died in other people’s.” Before I begin, can I just say that this is probably one of favourite quotes of all time, but it definitely was not love at first sight. Initially, it all felt too narcissistic, conceited, a little too self-absorbed. The realist and the cynic in me were immediately alarmed at the thought and the suggestion of living a life that ignored all the bad and negative in the world. But this was just it, the quote was not trying to suggest that there was no bad and evil in the world or that the only life worth living, was one in a bubble, devoid of any of that darkness. It is quite the opposite, it encourages one to not ignore the darkness or try to avoid it, while simultaneously reminding us of the light and choice that we do possess. We all have our own personal demons and darkness so there is no need to take on the ones of other people, no matter how close they are to us or how obliged we feel. The connotation for the word or the idea of a “bubble” is one that invokes thoughts of youth and foolishness and unrealistic expectations of the “real world,” whatever that is, but I think this quote in particular endorses a different type of bubble. A bubble for protection not separation or ignorance, one that allows you to live life and not avoid it, be aware of your surroundings but not let life make you hard or break your focus.
I think Anaïs Nin wanted us as individuals to realize the power that we have to create a world we want to live in, rather than try to cope with a world that has been created for us. I think that us as individuals are in the greatest position to create your own happiness and as we know, happiness is a journey not a destination, a choice not an ultimatum. This quote reminds us that it is our duty to continue to choose to create our own happiness and that we are enough the way we are. We all have everything we need to be happy but in the same token, happiness is a unique phenomenon to every individual. This means that trying another person’s recipe for happiness in our own broth often and inevitably leads to misery. Thus, I think that comparison can easily becomes the thief of joy and competition has the potential to quickly become toxic and unhealthy.
Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar for Best Actor at the 2014 Oscars for his brilliant performance as Ron Woodroof in the film “Dallas Buyers Club” and his acceptance speech was everything, literally one of the most inspiring ones I have ever seen. He talked about being asked too often how he is so successful but still manages to stay so happy, motivated and humble. And if I know anything about Hollywood, I know that it is one of the most difficult places to gain any level of success in, let alone staying relevant and original and maybe even happy. I also know that it is extremely competitive and it is built in such a way that comparison seems inevitable, so yes Matthew McConaughey is especially qualified to offer advice about authenticity and focus and maintaining happiness in such a toxic environment. He said in his speech that he channels all his focus and attention to the three most important things in his life. He said the three most important things in his life and world are; something to look up to, something to look forward to and someone to chase. Apart from the fact that this made for quite the emotional speech, his words also haunted me and made me re-evaluate my own life.

Like Matthew McConaughey, I look up to God. Whenever I feel confused or uncertain, I pray. Maybe I hurl out a few obscenities first, and maybe I cry a little and of course, there is always a way to blame white people but somewhere between the middle and the end, I pray. I’d love to say I pray and it instantly gives me peace and I know for sure that everything will be amazing but that is just not my experience. Sometimes I feel so distraught and uncertain and panicked that I pray because I feel like its the right thing to do and because it is better than just waiting. But I can assure that I have seen and had things happen in my life that absolutely cannot be explained through science or logic. So maybe I don’t always feel God close or I let my shortcomings and my guilt scare me into thinking God doesn’t care and I can do bad all by myself but He does and I cannot. I am also the Christian that forgets to pray when things are good but reads the Bible and prays ten times a day when I have an exam or when I need something. But God in his infinite mercy is just always kind to me and always come through. I am not joking when I say God is the plug.
Like Matthew McConaughey, I look forward to my family. I look forward to making my parents and my sisters proud more than anybody else. I know that I can fail because they love me for who I am not what I am. My family is my rock, my heart and my backbone. Because of them, I feel that my dreams are valid and it is my duty to speak up, take my place in the world and make my voice heard. I also look forward to my best friends. I look forward to conversations we have and I look forward to how much they challenge me to learn and grow and be the best version of myself. Before I met my friend, Zoë, my writing was just a hobby, I mean I had a blog and everything but in my mind, it was never going to go anywhere. When I met her, she immediately challenged me, just with the conversations we had and how seriously she took and still takes her modelling and dancing. I realized that maybe there is more uncertainty and more rejection and more red tape within the arts but there is also more freedom and more joy for me personally. I have since completed my first public reading and started writing a book and creating content for my documentary.
Like Matthew McConaughey, I chase my heroes, my mentors and role models, both in fashion and in life. People who have directly and indirectly taught me things about life. I listen to their stories and I study their journeys, I take comfort in the fact that they were all just like me, maybe even worse off but I also brace myself because I know that like them, the challenges ahead are inevitable. But even that is not so scary today, because I chase change… that’s a lie, I hate change. Well… hate is a strong word. Let’s just say change is not my favourite thing in the world but it is the only constant thing so I am consciously changing my attitude towards it. I am actively training myself to be more open-minded and give up some control because how much control do I actually have to begin with? I think there is no such thing as an ideal world, so maybe it is more about focusing on what’s important and separating what is worth worrying over from what is not, rather than creating an ideal world filled with unicorns and rainbows and cotton candy.

August 12, 2017

Charlottesville, Virginia

August 12th, 2017: The day we failed as humans

Heather Heyer, a victim of the recent clash between the “Unite the Right” white nationalists and counter protesters in Charlottesville, Virginia, last post on social media read; “If you are not outraged, then you are not paying attention” and those words are truer now than when she wrote them, believe it or not. Paying attention is no longer a suggestion, it is no longer a choice because as it stands, your life may depend on it. I find it worrisome and troubling that ex-president Barack Obama and former presidential candidate Hilary Clinton have put out stronger and more direct criticisms of the recent events than current president Donald Trump and vice president Mike Pence. For little President Donald “Twitter fingers” Trump, always smart in the mouth and on hand to offer his two cents, this is awfully quiet. For an event as blatantly racist and bigoted and hate-driven as this, President Trump has chosen his words a bit too carefully. In my mind, it is very simple, any form of silence or attempt at political correctness at this point is silent and indirect approval. Let’s call it what it is, Donald Trump has created an America where a bunch of white, pro-Nazi Nationalists feel comfortable and secure enough in their white privilege and within the law, enough and so much so that they convince themselves that they can wage war and not expect to be fought. They go about such bigoted acts of hatred and contempt with the confidence that they will remain relatively anonymous. They attempt to hold press conferences to rub in our faces the fact that their hatred and racism and animalistic beliefs have been institutionalized and normalized and until we tell them otherwise, they feel that they are within their rights to freedom of speech. It is the same way a police man can shoot a black man at close range and not expect any action to be taken against him. 

Throughout his presidential campaign, Trump actively and passively endorsed this mindset and this kind of behaviour. The vice president criticized the media, saying it devoted more time to Trump's statement than it did to the people who engaged in the violence. Ironically, it is that exact statement that makes one of the worst terrorist attacks in the history of the United States about one man. Pence’s insinuation that the media is somehow bullying Trump by scrutinizing and spreading his reaction to the recent events is worrying. Somehow multiple people are dead and we are playing the blame game. This is worrying but it is not surprising, Trump has built his entire administration on face value. It is same reason why the first thing we hear from one of the  white men who took part in the "Unite the Right" protest (pictured above) is that he LOOKS like a monster, not that he is wrong or he apologizes for his actions, it's that the photographer did not get his "good side." This makes me remember Heather Heyer’s words because weirdly enough, Trump and his entire administration do not seem in any way outraged or even uncomfortable with the situation. Trump seems just as indifferent and nonchalant as the participants, about what in my mind is the worst case scenario. Yes some people are definitely more to blame than others and yes, Trump and his administration take a huge chunk of that blame, but this is not the issue and most people know it. Pence’s attempt to change the narrative is weak and unreliable and invalid at best. The very concept of democracy is built on the backs of people like Heather Heyer and on the foundations of freedom of speech and freedom of protest and on equality. It's all just a huge double-standard. The fact that a group of white males can protest and champion a concept that suggests that they are somehow better than other people solely based on the colour of their skin and honestly think they can get away with it, but the woman who also exercises her right to protest and champions an opposing view loses her life in the process. Contrary to popular opinion, this is definitely not the first time that people and the general public have had no reaction to matters of racism and hatred and violence and prejudice and bigotry. Mike Brown, Philando Castille, Sandra Bland, Trayvon Martin, no? 

I think we have failed as humans and we have being failing for a long time. I think we are lost. I think the lines between what is right and what is wrong are continuing to be so blurred that they become beyond recognition. The only way to not be outraged and distressed is if you are not paying attention and if you are not paying attention, then I am sorry but you are not human and you are a part of the problem.  So maybe you feel like you don't directly face any harm or maybe you feel like you don’t have any answers and maybe you don't fully understand the situation and maybe you feel like “little” you being silent will not have any effect but that is not necessarily true and that does not in any way render you helpless. There is so much information to be gained and so much knowledge to be had. Regardless of whether you know it or not, whether it is intentional or not, you are saying something, your actions always have consequences and you have power and you influence today what happens tomorrow. The earlier you realize your power, the better your chances of using it for good. Michelle Obama says it best when she says “you may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all of the world's problems at once but don't ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that course can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own.”

Willpower and Foresight

Julia Child once said “Find something you are passionate about and keep tremendously interested in it” but what most of you don't know is that, Julia did it. She realized early enough what not many people do; with such simple words she shows us that she realized to success in the long run early enough. Julia realized that one needs willpower and foresight. Finding something you can continue to be passionate about requires at least a little bit of foresight, and keeping tremendously interested in said passion, requires a good amount of willpower.

I recently graduated from university (probably the 10,024th time I’ve said it) and I’ll tell you now, the question I have been asked the most is some variation of “what are your plans?” and I am not joking when I say answering it gives me a level of anxiety that physically affects me. I don't get anxiety because I do not have an answer, I get anxiety because I fear that I don't have the right answer. And this is crazy to me, the thought and the insinuation that there is a right answer to a question like that. I am not saying this to be philosophical or anything, I just can't imagine that the answer can be the same or even similar for any two individuals so I don't see how you can measure the correctness of a person’s response. 

But I think I have only been feeling anxious because I have been doing it all wrong. Over the past couple of months, I have put so much pressure on myself to have the right answer and get validation from everyone but myself, to have a plan and that’s important but it is not worth losing your sanity over. I have tried to sugarcoat the fact that I am unemployed and it sucks. I have tried to sugarcoat the fact that I want a job that I enjoy because I fear that it makes me sounds naive and lazy and unwilling to lay the ground work. I know it sounds cliché but I think the most important part of finding your passion is doing what you do better than most people and doing what makes you truly happy, as often as possible. I worry that being unemployed would make me desperate enough to resort to doing a job I do not like, I already see it in the way I apply for jobs. As the days go by, I feel like I am becoming more and more willing to compromise on what I want and do just any job and we all know that the longer you spend within a profession, the harder you get stuck and the less time you spend within a profession, the harder it is to establish credibility and a good reputation, which you are nothing without credibility and a good reputation. 

I guess this is where knowledge becomes a blessing and a curse because I also know that to develop an perseverant passion for something, you have to figure out who you are as a human being and what makes you special and that can take months or years even. I think developing foresight is only intimidating when you focus all your energy on the end goal. I think foresight is a lot less scary and a lot more within reach when you make it your own, when you break it down into little things you can do daily to protect your energy and grow into the person you hope to become. I think the part of foresight that makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious is the waiting part. I do not believe in or should I say I am not patient enough for the ‘waiting for it to come to you’ part. I think waiting is only an option when you have done everything you can think to do and even I believe in going back to the drawing board and figuring out what you can you be doing different. Julia Child says “find” not “dream” or “wait for”, thus there is at least some action involved or at least that is the way I see it. The best way and probably the only way to truly figure out whether or not you like something is to do it.

In my opinion, having foresight is less about trying to predict the future and more about making the present extraordinary (which is a little hard to do when you are awkward and broke but nonetheless, doable) and learning from the past. By making the most of your present, you inevitably create a personalized recipe for happiness that you can continue to draw on and tweak as you grow and evolve and become more comfortable in your own skin. I agree with Peter Drucker when he says “the best way to predict the future is to create it” because no one can make you as happy as you can make yourself.  One of the first steps I have taken over the last couple of weeks to find or maybe rediscover my passion for writing and creating engaging content is to make an effort to set up conversations with people who are honest, people who own their truth and people who may not have every last detail of their life figured out but are willing to adapt and change and learn how to be the best version of themselves. I have done this because I know that this is where I am my happiest and I think this is where willpower comes into the equation. I think that a lot of the time we know what would make us happy, we just are discouraged by the effort and discipline it will take to follow through.

Willpower is about learning and having the courage to hold on to new knowledge and make it your own. Maybe as many people do, we get it wrong on the first try, willpower gives us the strength we need to keep moving forward. I have found that following your passion requires a good amount of courage and even then, there is still a struggle and a lot of doubt that one has to deal with on a daily basis and unfortunately I haven't gotten to a place where I can confidently say it is worth it. but I can say that I hope for you and me both that it is worth it. I think that willpower is about having the discipline and the tenacity to keep focused on and interested in your dream and putting the work when it is easy and more importantly, when you encounter the inevitable losses and failure and it gets hard to stay interested. I recently learned while listening to one of my favourite podcasts, that one can be extremely passionate about something even when there are parts of it that they do not enjoy. It is about sticking it out during those hard times and resisting the temptation to quit. I love writing more than anything else but I have a degree in Employment Relations and Sociology (which would naturally lead me into a career in the Human Resources field aka the easier route) so I know all about that struggle. 

Whenever I have writer’s block or a lack of inspiration or I get rejected from a job I really want, I immediately begin to lose interest and doubt my writing capabilities and ability to establish a career. I begin to unconsciously look for jobs within Human Resources, which these jobs are definitely easier to find and get traction with, so it is nothing but a coping mechanism, but this is where difficult decisions have to be made. I know I will not enjoy these jobs in the long run so I have to decide what’s more important to me, immediate money and validation or actually doing something meaningful. The only thing is, the fact is I am currently unemployed and I have the stack of rejection letters to prove it. I am not going to sit here and not address the gigantic elephant in the room, rejection sucks and maybe developing thick skin is a part of the process but I am sick of people acting like not having the structure of a job is all unicorns and sleeping in and watching Netflix all day, it is excruciating and I think it makes me feel a whole lot better to say it out loud and hear people say it as well, so I can be that person for you if you need it. Being unemployed is like having daddy issues, it plays on your self-esteem and your ability to see your own worth. You know you have no business looking for certain jobs because you have the mind and the degree and the experience to prove that you are better than that, but in the mind of an unemployed person, having a shitty job is better than having no job.

This is not to say that regular office jobs cannot be meaningful, this is just to say that I know myself well enough to know that I need a role and a career that would allow me to be creative and able to pursue my many, many personal interests. And this is lovely but I worry about my current failures, my inability to gain traction and the kind of following I want. I worry that I am just wasting my time and delaying the inevitable. I worry that I am not good enough the way I am and that I would have to change who I am to gain success within social media. I also know that the people who are able to gain long term success are the ones who are weird and quirky and able to provide a unique perspective. But again change can be a good thing because maybe I need to try harder or try a different angle. It is hard to decipher what kind of change is selling out and what kind of change is necessary to make progress. I know that gaining a committed audience and online traction is most difficult in the beginning so I have to focus on continuing to consistently put out great content especially on days when I don't feel like it, just a lot easier said than done. I guess I haven't ended this is in a large, pretty, ambiguous but pretty nonetheless, bow because I am just now figuring things out for myself. I guess all I can say is I want to get more comfortable being uncomfortable. I want to get more confident being uncertain. I don't want to shrink back just because something isn't easy. I want to push back, and make room in the area between I can't and I can (as stolen from Instagram).