How to grow and nurture ADULT relationships

As you know spring has sprung, (she wrote… as she sat on her bed in Toronto, Canada, where the weather gods had apparently not gotten the spring memo, but you know? If you live anywhere else, like say London, don’t let us stop you from living your best SPRING life!), so the plan for the blog in April is to talk you through a bit of spring cleaning. Basically, I will release two articles a week (Monday and Thursday) that help you de-clutter one aspect of your life. Last week I spoke about starting the de-cluttering process with you, your mind, your body and everything in between. As my girl Solange says “when you take care of yourself, you are a better person for others, when you feel good about yourself, you treat others better,” and I literally could not agree more. One has to sort through the messy personal stuff and take stock, before they can make emotional or physical space for anyone else. One has to set their standards and live religiously by them for a bit of time before they can attract the type of people who will too.

This week, on the blog, I will be discussing how to grow and nurture mature, ADULT relationships and how to build your tribe organically. Humans are naturally tribal, the history of our  tendency as humans to gather in groups, dates as far back as history itself and we have been struggling to “fit in” ever since. Over the past year or two, I have had to learn the hard way that you just don’t need that many friends to lead a happy existence and of course, now I’ve gone and overdone it. I have become quite the picky Paula when it comes to friendship and I can report that I’m in a much happier head space. That is, until both my friends are busy and then I worry that as a 23 year-old, I should have more people who think I’m cool and want to hang out with me. So naturally, I thought I should share a few tips on how I built my tribe organically and what I have learned about myself and people in general on my journey… that is not over, but whatever, we understand each other.

I think pretty early on in my self-awareness journey, I learned the difference between flaws that are harmful and toxic and unacceptable and ones that just happen because we are all human after all. As my girl Gabrielle Union says “when we learn to be painfully, imperfectly ourselves, we also learn to have a lot more patience and compassion for the imperfections of others.” I cannot stress enough that it starts with you through, it starts with you making the commitment to be the best version of yourself and putting in the work. It starts with embracing and owning your own flaws. But again, in practising the art of compassion, we must remember that we are the most important ones and it is a waste to spend one’s life trying to change that of another. As you get more comfortable in your own skin, you are able to identify toxic character traits quicker and decide whether or not it is worth it to stick it out. Note that there are always people who will think your standards are too high and you’re too rigid but hear me when I say, these people are absolutely NOT for you. The people for you are more than willing to go through the 78945 loopholes they need to go through to support you. Wanting to be treated with respect and empathy is not expecting people to be perfect, not by a long shot.

Good, functional, reciprocal relationships are extremely powerful and have the ability to serve every other aspect of one’s adult life. Good, functional, nourishing relationships are to many, an indication of success. Hollywood it-girl Gwyneth Paltrow defines success as having and maintaining “relationships that function well,” because “without relationships of quality, one is hardly successful.” Health isn’t just about what you are eating, it’s about what you are thinking and saying too, which nothing has more of an impact on what you think and say than the people you constantly interact and engage with. A relationship, any relationship, every relationship is a two-way street, so it is imperative that one be as involved and as hands-on as possible. As the late Maya Angelou said “nothing will work unless you do.” Organically building a tribe involves making the effort with a person or people and showing up as many times as you need, to know without doubt, whether or not engaging with them continuously adds value to your existence. “And like I say, every relationship is a two-way street, so if someone wants to be with you or be a part of your life, they’ll make it happen too. Actions speak louder than words and at some point you will get tired of justifying their actions. You deserve the kind of love and the kind of relationship where you receive as much as you give. If someone in your life is not willing to work towards that kind of love and that kind of relationship, then it is ok to leave them. Remember that you are worth more than second thoughts and “maybes”.” (as seen on @worldstar Instagram page).

       Cherish the people in your life who tell the truth and tell you the truth. People who are honest about where they are and honest with you about what they think about your own situation, are to be valued. I love a ‘yes’ man as much as the next girl, but they really aren’t good for much of anything. You know what is really funny to me is the fact that boys, especially somewhat popular boys, always have yes men but it is never the case with girls. Thus, I value my relationships with my girls who don’t buy into society’s need and desire to pit girls against one another. The type of arguments or tension I have literally zero-tolerance for are the ones that have to do with boys. I can’t even be bothered. I will not, in this life or the next, fight or compete with another girl for a boy’s attention because that to me is just despicable and reflective of a lack of self-worth and self-respect. 

I have also been in toxic friendships where all they did was criticize me, but get this, they were so good at doing it and justifying their criticism. Because you know? they want me to win and the journey to true success requires thick skin and resilience. Just so you don’t get sucked into this, here’s a quick and easy way to differentiate between constructive and destructive criticism; Constructive criticism points out a problem and subsequently offers a solution, destructive criticism is materialistic, surface-deep, compares and contrasts, and often uses one person’s (usually them) journey and success to measure another’s. Because as Angelina Jolie says “it is too easy for people to say that you are going the wrong way when it is simply a way of your own,” but as Viviana Serna says  and I know it sounds a little soppy, “we are all created so beautifully unique, to compare is completely useless.”

Get comfortable with saying no and setting boundaries… because not everyone who is friendly to you, needs to be your friend and the fact that they are a member of your family does not give them the right to compromise your mental health. I’ll admit that it is much easier to say no when you know for sure that someone or something or a certain situation is wrong for you but unfortunately that hardly ever happens. Most days, all you have is your gut and your instincts. So keep your antenna up and do the work. As Chelsea Manning says “read everything, ask your own questions, be your own filter.” Do as much ground work as is needed to make you comfortable with your decision to nurture a relationship or let go. Read everything, pay attention, because 99% person of what a person is saying to you is not coming out of their mouth. But don’t get obsessed. Make sure your doubts are rooted in pursuing your instincts to protect yourself, and not just fanning the flame of your incredibly self-involved need to have as much control as possible over everything in your life, as possible. It shouldn’t be so difficult because “as you get older, you can energetically feel the difference between people who love you and those who care at their own convenience.” When you love who you are, you know what you bring to the table, thus when it is unappreciated or taken for granted, you know to walk away. But as Solange says, “self-love is really a foundation for everything and however you practice or express that is so important.” In relationships it is uncomfortably easy to get lost and forget who you are as an individual, that’s why self-love is so essential. According to an article published by Cosmopolitan South Africa, self-love helps one speak up when they feel something’s off. And many times, when there is this kind of confrontation in a relationship, one person (usually the girl) is labelled difficult and rude and selfish but it is really not selfishness as much as it is plain, old, healthy honesty… try it, I dare you.