The moment I published my first post on this blog was exactly three years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday, a little confused and really unsure of what I was getting myself into, I decided to rip off the band aid. To celebrate, I re-read my first article and it is just as cringe-worthy as I thought it would be, but it is also proof that I may not be where I want to be but I am also not where I used to be. So I am thankful for growth and the strength to persevere and the community of amazing people I have been blessed with.
Franz Kafka once said “Don’t bend; don't water it down, don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your intense obsessions mercilessly.” So, this is me, killing two birds with one stone and I can feel it already, this is going to be a long one, so grab a cup of coffee or garri or whatever your deal is, because here goes everything...
As a girl who struggles with feeling insecure, I know that it is not always about a man or the way I look. This is not to say that I don’t worry about those things because I do, of course I do. I fear that I am not attractive enough and I fear that I do not fit into society’s beauty ideal. I would like to be noble and brave and go against the status quo and I consider myself a feminist but I am also human which makes it is quite difficult not to overthink and worry about these things. Especially when I am constantly being told that I am too flabby, too acned, too black, too opinionated, too shy and too wide-eyed to be beautiful.
In a world that is plagued with so much toxicity and envy and competition, I fear that not being competitive in the conventional sense, makes me mediocre and unambitious. I attend professional events quite often, and at these things, people expect you to network and sound like you have a bit of sense, so I know the prestige attached to being competitive and assertive and making your presence known. Thus, when I struggle to get into this head space and present myself this way, I feel insecure and out of place but shoutout to cue cards, breath mints and a little red wine for helping a girl out. In my creative life, I am a little insecure about the quality of my work as a writer, it is less a fear of judgement or criticism as it is a fear of not being good enough. Over the past three years, I am sure that I have gotten closer to finding my voice and while this is comforting, it is a new journey, one whose possibility and potential and magic is just as daunting and scary and nerve wracking as starting to look for it in the first place. With every article I publish, there are on average, two or three other very similar ones that I never finish. I am reluctant to write, not due to a lack of inspiration, but because when I write, I fear that I am not making sense or that I am not quite sure where I am going with it, so I hesitate.
I think one of the most obvious signs of insecurity is consciously or unconsciously setting low standards. Insecurity convinces and camouflages low standards as realism. Insecurity makes dreams and aspirations reasonable, logical and within reach, which defeats the purpose of having dreams in the first place. Insecurity blinds you and cripples you and makes you numb to the fact that you bring something to the table, worthy of respect and recognition. Insecurity is also toxic and poisonous and has the potential to damage a person’s relationships. An insecure person is never wrong, which makes it hard to have conversations. An insecure person thrives off of their ability to always be right and talk down to another person when offering their opinion, which most sane people do not want to be around that kind of energy. An insecure person can criticize and correct but never be criticized or corrected, which seems inherently unfair and ridiculous. Insecure people are fragile and they live off of other people’s perceptions of them and constantly getting reassured, which ain’t nobody got time for that. Insecure people are chronic attention seekers, they are the ones who go off on tangents and rants on their social media, which is incredibly irritating.
Insecurity makes one feel the need to appear to be more than they really are. Thus, if you constantly need to tell or show other people what you have, you are probably insecure. If you are the person who feels the need to top anybody else’s story, then you are probably insecure. If you are the first one to get personal and defensive in an argument, then you are probably insecure. See, when a person is insecure about their intellectual life, they hurl insults and hit below the belt in efforts to distract from the initial conversation, rather rude than dumb. Insecure people are bad winners and sore losers. They are not good at relationships because they never let the other person live down their mistakes and they always have to have the upper hand and the last word in an argument.
Even if none of these apply to you, everyone deals with insecurity in some capacity. This is not what matters, what matters is how you react to it and how you deal with it, because as Erich Fromm once said “the task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to tolerate insecurity.” Tolerating insecurity does not mean accepting it means being aware of it but still not letting it define who you are. So, this means if there is a friendship or a relationship that you ruined because you were insecure, now would be a good time to fix that. And if there is something you have been wanting to do but have been crippled and scared by the possibility of failure, now is as good a time as any to jump in head first.
It’s been three years and I am finally starting to feel like I am inspired by my fears and insecurities and not crippled by them. It is weirdly liberating and wildly cathartic to speak about what gives you anxiety because at the end of the day, these things only have as much power as you give them. The thing about insecurity is that it is like a lie, it builds up and has the potential to take on a life of its own. Insecurity is like a cancer, if it is left to fester, it has the potential to affect to spread and become terminal. So, I think that more than anything, Erich Fromm encourages us not to fight insecurity or ignore it for that matter. I think what he is trying is say is that, inevitability also means assurance, thus we should use our own insecurities and fears to our own advantage. Maybe I am just being selfish or maybe I hope that by sharing my truth, I have helped you feel better about yours, less judged and less alone, maybe a little bit of both. But I truly hope that my looking in the mirror has helped you see a little bit of yourself. I hope I have done that not just with this article but with my blog, my voice and my platform.
Happy third year anniversary and here’s to you and everything you are to me.
Love,
Nini
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