Monday 1 August 2016

Chinese Whispers


Rules of the game 
A group of players sit in a circle 
One person whispers a sentence in the ear of the person next to them
This person is then expected to whisper what they are told to the next person 
The same process is repeated however many times within the circle 
Until it is the turn of the person sitting to the other side of the person who started the train 
This person is now expected to say out loud what the last person whispered to them
By this point, the initial sentence is extremely distorted and sounds nothing like it was intended.
The original person is then to confirm or deny if this is indeed what they have said or not.
If it is wrong, then the original person corrects
This too can be said about life, except the original person does not get to correct the wrong statement
Dear September, 
This is the one where I tell you to be careful who you trust and who you befriend. In these times, this also means be careful who you add or follow and what you post on social media.
I know... I seem a bit indecisive, last week I told you to be vulnerable and let your guard down and this week I'm telling you the exact opposite. But if you looked closely, you would realise that I'm still telling you the same thing. It is good to be open and honest and vulnerable but it's even better to do this with the right people. Friendship, as I have learned is quite tricky. No two relationships or friendships are the same, so you can't really know how to deal with them until you are faced with them. 
Ok, friendship… Friendship for me, has been quite interesting the past couple of weeks, to say the least. But let's just say I did a friend cleanse. I think it is important to de-clutter your life. There are often people who you would consider to be your friends but if you took a harder, longer look, you would realize aren't. There are people in your life that you don't feel completely comfortable with. I have learned that like I said, no friendship is the same and some relationships aren't even friendships to start with. 
I think everyone has six different kinds of "friends…
One.
Everyone has that one friend that you feel like you are on the same wavelength with. You like the same music, you watch the same television shows, you like the same people and you just feel like you get each other. Now, this is where it can be tricky because while this person is good for companionship, they are not necessarily important. People often confuse liking the same things with having the same values and this is a huge mistake. This can often make you feel dependent on a relationship and this is very dangerous. This is just a limbo phase, it is in your best interest to decide whether you want to get to know this person better or you want to keep them at arm’s length.
Two.
Everyone has that one friend that just wants to gossip, all day, every day. Like your own personal shaderoom, the one who seems to know everything about everything and everyone. Two things, one, surely you must wander why they have so much time on their hands to invest in other people’s business. Two, you must also wander who they are playing Chinese whispers with about your own shit. I mean they seem to have everyone's dirt and last I checked, you fall under the 'everyone' category.
What do you think? They are actively trying to not hear dirt about you or you're special to them so they are not telling other people? Surely, you are more intelligent than that. It's your decision what you want to do about this relationship but if I were you, I'd be very careful, very very careful. 
Three.
Everyone has that one friend that always wants something. Every time they call you or text you, they want a favour. Oo please can borrow me this amount of money, I promise I'll pay you back. Or please can you come and pick me up. Can you do this or can you do that? It is also usually someone you think is pretty cool. Someone you think you need to be friends with to fit in with the "cool kids." Sweetheart, this isn't high school, and in the real world, there are no cool kids. This person is just taking advantage of you. They know that you are always there for them, so they use you and use you and use you until there's nothing left. It is pathetic and you deserve better.
If you feel like a friendship is draining you and you are not receiving any value from a so called “friend” then end it or keep it casual, it's that simple. 
Four.
Everyone has that one friend that acts like they have no sense but you keep making excuses for them because you've been friends for 200 years. They do so many things that clash with your values but you turn a blind eye. You convince yourself that they are their own person and what they do doesn't affect you. Sorry to break it to you but it does. I'll give you an example, I had this friend once who just had the worst attitude. I remember once she slept over and in the morning when I woke up, she was already on the phone to someone who I assumed was another friend. I assumed this because she was shouting and hurling really nasty words at said person. After a while, I heard her say "be quiet mother! and let me speak" Immediately my head started spinning. But I had been friends with her for so long, so I still made up excuses. I began to rationalize her ridiculous behaviour. I said things like maybe that's how her relationship with her mother is. It's not my place to judge. Which it isn’t but now that I think about it, I knew deep in my heart that I didn't want to be friends with a person who wasn't respectful to their mother.
I saw her be extremely disrespectful to her mother, so I don't know why it hurt so much and why it was so surprising when she did the same to me. However I was still willing to be friendly with her after she blatantly disrespected me because again, we'd been friends for so long and it wasn't worth it to give up our friendship over something so petty. But I soon realized in a totally non-judgmental way, that she was just not someone I wanted around anymore. I began to see that she was making very bad decisions and what's worse, she had been making these bad decisions throughout our entire friendship. The only difference now was that these bad decisions had now affected me and I no longer wanted to rationalize them to myself. Plus, there is literally no reason why you must be friends with anyone. Friendship needs to happen as naturally and organically as possible. Friendships that are forced are not built to last.
Five.
More positively, everyone has that one friend that you know is the one. The one that makes you want to be better and do better. That one friend, that knows you and all your flaws but never judges, that one friend that is always there for you no matter what. That one friend that always has something positive to say about you in a non-patronizing way. The person who comforts you and sometimes, just sits with you and let you cry because they know that is what you need. That one friend that is bluntly and brutally honest with you. You fight but you always get back together. This is the type of friend you should put effort and energy into. They embody what true friendship is and you know for sure that you do not deserve them because they do much more for you than you do for them. That one friend for me is my little sister, Ulisan.. This kind of friend isn't perfect and if you think they are, then they aren't your real friend yet. This friend is willing to grow with you and help you become a person you are proud of, and this is worth it to me.
Six.
The social media friend; that one friend you chat to on Facebook or you always tag on Instagram but you never actually speak to in real life. The type of friend that only hits you up when you post a really good picture is not someone you want to see you when you are not 100 percent. Ladies and gentleman, this is not a friend, they are a person you know that you sometimes speak to on the Internet. They are probably only good for a laugh or two, an acquaintance at best. Do not unfriend them but do not expect much of anything from them. Plus we all know that there is often a big difference between who you are on Instagram and who you are in real life.  So if they are only impressed by who you are on Instagram then they are probably not going to be impressed by who you are in real life. I mean, besides the worst girls and the ones that have "Jesus has my heart" and "child of the Most High" and "John 3:16" on their Instagram bios. Be careful! Do not expect much from this kind of friend, especially when they see you in public or you see them and neither of your instincts tell you to say hi.
Also, social media is often where you are judged the most. Be careful what you tweet because like a game of Chinese whispers, chances are, that when it gets back to you it will be distorted and totally different to what you intended. People try to be "cool" on social media, me included, which is fine, but you shouldn't be a totally different person to the person you are on social media. The whole point of social media is to find old friends and make new friends with people who are like-minded. Pretending to be someone you are not, defeats this purpose. 
Seven.
            Everyone has that one friend that acts like they are unstable. One day, you are the best thing since sliced bread to them and then the next they don’t pick your calls or reply your messages. They move from wanting to hang out everyday to being too busy for a cup of coffee. This is a good temporary friend to have, someone to warm the bench until you find a more appropriate replacement.
Friendship is tricky and until I have it all figured out, I won't ever judge. But you also have all the power. Never be fiends with a person, just for the sake of it. Also never be bitter or be hard on yourself for trusting someone you shouldn't have. Life is a journey where you learn more about who you are and who you want to be and what's important to you every single day. No matter what the circumstances are, or whether you end up staying friends with a person or ending it, remember that everyone comes into your life for a reason. It seems cliche but it's very true. So be kind and graceful but be cautious and aware because sometimes our goodness can prevent us from seeing who people really are, even when they are screaming it at us. Do not ever try to get even with someone who treated you badly. First of all, that's ratchet and unnecessary. Second, that would mean that you are just as low as said person. And no one deserves that power over you. Do not change who you are for a friend, change the friend that makes you feel like you need to change who you are. Friendship is not a game, it is not about who plays it best. Najwa Zebian once said "If you ever get the chance to treat them the same way they treat you, no matter how painful it was, I hope you choose to walk away and do better."



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