13 reasons why being your own #WCW is not self-love

Having a crush on yourself is at least a little conceited, no?

You little narcissist, #WCW as I understand it, is a way to recognize and celebrate girls and women in your life that you admire and respect. Everything does not have to be about you ok?

Not-so-subtle bragging… I mean many times when a girl is her own #WCW, she is most likely showing off a little Chanel or Gucci in the “corner”. But she sprinkles the little #WCW like salt bae at the end of her “God is so great to me” or “I make my own money” caption and suddenly, everything is all peachy again… or at least, it is in her head.

You don’t need a reason to post a cute pic… I mean ain’t nobody trying to know your whole life story because of one small picture. Just post it and go.

You don’t need a reason to post a sexy pic… end of.

It is the same people who are their own #WCW that also claim to be “girl bosses”. Always giving you tips and unsolicited advice. And I feel like I should point out that I am not bitter or anything and I don't knock anyone’s hustle and at the end of the day, it is your own damn Instagram page. But I mean, it can get really annoying and sometimes the tone can be quite patronizing and condescending and slowly, you look more like a know-it-all than anything else.

Trying too hard to prove that you are “gucci” - You know that picture you take when you have just stopped being friends with someone or you have just broken up with your boyfriend, yeah? The “I can do bad all by myself” one. The one that reeks of desperation… yeah, that one. I mean it is alright to be lonely or be sad or feel pain. There is no need to keep up appearances on social media, if nothing else, it is extremely exhausting.

We know you have been going to the gym. Well… if you are like me, this one only truly annoys you because you know you want that body, but you are just too damn lazy but I mean it is still annoying, so yeah, it makes it to this list.

The #WCW “group picture”. You know the one where you got that angle just right but everyone else looks like descendants of Jafar from Aladdin. You caption the picture “only winners in my circle” or “all my girls are getting it” but you know damn well that you are the only one who looks like they are getting anything. Needless to say, if the only way you feel like you can look good is to make everyone else look bad, then there is something fundamentally wrong.

The #WCW “celebrity picture”. You know the one you take with a really cool female celebrity. See, the picture itself I am sure is totally innocent, however, when you leave an “it was nice seeing you again” or “amazing catching up with you babe” or “She’s just such an amazing friend” caption, it turns sour because baby boo, you are name-dropping and nobody likes a name dropper.

The #WCW “I woke up like this” picture. The one where you are wearing little to no makeup and you are in sweats with your hair tied up. You convince yourself that you are being vulnerable and showing your followers that it is ok to not look amazing all the time. But in actual fact, if we are all being honest, you know damn well, you look good and you are just fishing for compliments, which I can’t think of anything more annoying.

Being your own #WCW is just another way we convince ourselves that we are special and invincible. We live in a time where we are constantly told that we are special and invincible and magical. So, being your own #WCW is just another way to perpetuate the status quo and make you feel justified in your vanity. It is same reason Kim Kardashian can post a naked picture on Instagram and all the rhetoric around it be about “self love” and “self acceptance”.

SELF-love should be for you, posting it on social media isn’t. If you have an active social media account, then you know that most of your posts are for your followers. Which wanting validation and acceptance from other people is not bad, in fact, it is human. What I do not agree with is being dependent on it. The longevity of self-love is dependent on one’s ability to reflect their self-love and acceptance to their followers and not the ability to see yourself through other people’s eyes.

How to ward off bullshit

      This one will be colourful… just thought I’d give you a heads up. Anaïs Nin was on to something when she said, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” I think this basically means that it is not possible to have the same relationship or friendship with two different people. Each friend represents a world that is totally new and yet to be explored by you. It is now left to you to let your gut and intuition guide you organically and help you ward off the bullshit on that journey. Sometimes, there is so much fuss and drama and stress that the journey itself is not worth continuing and that’s ok. I think that the most toxic relationships and friendships are elongated and forced out of a sense of obligation, often an obligation to everyone but you. So first, I agree with Jaydip Kansas when he says “No matter what anyone says to you, you don’t have to have dinner with them, live with them or go to bed with them.” This basically means that you are an adult and you should not do anything you do not want to do. Following your gut is not selfish or self-centred, it is sometimes necessary for your own peace of mind.
I know that getting to this headspace isn't easy, I mean.. friendship has always been something I have struggled with. However, I feel like as I learn more about myself, I begin to attract the right kind of people and this has made getting rid of the wrong people a little more doable. This past weekend, I attended an artsy fartsy event where one of the speakers said “when one begins to discover who they are, they simultaneously attract an appropriate support system” and while this is very well said, and accurate in a lot of cases, a little intuition is also helpful. I say this because, with discovering exactly who you are, often comes exposure and recognition, thus it can become difficult to differentiate between who is attracted to who you are and who is attracted to what you have. So, here’s what I wish I knew a few years or even a couple of months ago about “friends”.
A wise man, scratch that, a wise person (feminist and all) once said “when a person shows you who they are, believe them”. So, the most obvious red flag I think is that a toxic friend offers you spiteful criticism and quite often too. When a person starts a conversation with something like “no offence but..” best believe that you will be offended by the end. This is because such conversations come from a place of envy or jealousy, a place that cannot be happy for your own successes and victories. In such conversations, the other person is looking to discredit you, belittle your achievements and lift themselves up by pushing you down and this should be unacceptable to you.
A toxic friend is a freeloader, cheap and “forgetful.” We all have or have had that one friend that is always “busy” or “really broke” around your birthday. The one who puts a post up on Instagram before they call you or text you, yeah that one. A toxic friend helps themselves to your time, money and resources and are totally unwilling to return the favour. A toxic friend always has to be the queen of the castle at all times. A toxic friend has to have all the attention on them at all times. They are not trying to hear what is going in your own life and they except you to be fine with that. They only call you to gossip or to complain because as far they know, they are the only ones who have a life. They always bring drama that is conveniently, never their fault and they always want you to pick their side, regardless of the way you feel or who is right. When you argue with them or call them out, they find a way to turn it around and blame you. They have no problem pressuring you into doing things that you are not comfortable with. By now, a few faces should have popped up in your head, so here’s how I warded off the bullshit, whether or not that included the entire friendship - *didn’t I tell you that I was a savage* (Dad, that’s a song).

      Stop ignoring the red flags. In order to see red flags, you have to have set standards and values that are important to you in a friendship. I’ll give you an example, I used to be friends with this girl, let’s call her Ashley. Once, Ashley stayed over at my apartment and when I woke up in the morning, I overheard her say to someone on the phone “Be quiet, let me speak”. So I thought to myself, she is obviously speaking to her boyfriend or one of her other friends and that’s none of my business. A couple of seconds after and in a much more aggressive tone, I heard “Be quiet Mum, I am speaking”… Now, while this may not be a red flag for you, it definitely was one for me. Of course, at the time, I made excuses for her, I said to myself “Not everyone can have the kind of relationship you have with your mother with their own mother”,”It’s none of my business”. And I mean, this is true, her relationship with her mother IS none of my business, however being disrespectful to your mother is not acceptable to me in any context. So, I should have at least had a conversation about it but I didn't because I was scared to lose the friendship, which is another very common pitfall.
      Like most worthwhile courses of actions, having a truly honest conversation is much more difficult than it sounds. Well… at least it is for me. However, it is incredibly important to have these difficult conversations to maintain or restore your personal peace. To initiate and power through these conversations, you have to remind yourself that in that moment, your inner peace is more important than the feelings of the other person, which if you are being totally honest, you cannot control in the first place. You have to remind yourself and them that your decision to call them out or end the friendship is not coming from a spiteful or vindictive place. It does not mean you think they are a bad person, it just means that their energy and vibe is not conducive to your peace. In fact, these conversations go much smoother when you are willing to admit to your own faults. It does take two to tango and to be fair, your “friend” is not wrong to assume that there was no issue prior to having this conversation. But at the same time, you are saying something now and rightfully so, because as an adult, it is your duty to control the energies around you. I guess what I am trying to say here is that it is all about meeting them halfway and finding that sweet spot between being sensitive to your own faults and being brutally honest about theirs.
      Powering through and expressing your feelings is on you, their reaction to whatever it is you have to say however, is not on you in a way. After the conversation and after you have given them the chance to offer their perspective, the onus shifts back to you. You then have to decide if you are willing to fight for the relationship or if you need to end it. If you are going to continue a friendship and build that trust back up, you have to be willing to let it go. Now this might give you the impression that forgiveness is contingent on you wanting to continue to have a friendship. However, it is not. Forgiveness should not be negotiable because it is imperative if you are going to ward off the anger and bitterness and anxiety that the relationship has caused. Forgiveness is all about perspective. Forgiveness is only difficult when you see it is as a favour to a person who has offended you as opposed to a thing you do for yourself. When you choose to forgive a person who has offended you, you agree to let it go… forever and ever, never to be brought up again, which is a good thing for you as well, if you really think about it. If you find that, you struggle to let your anger go and move on, then end the friendship respectfully. There is no point stringing the other person along and putting on a smile when you are dying on the inside and their level of oxygen intake is annoying you. Now I know all this sounds all adult-like, civil and noble and drama free and in actual fact, things can be a lot messier. But make no mistake, keeping it classy is in no way meant to serve the other person. It is all for you, it is a lot more comforting, leaving a situation knowing that you handled it the best way you could. Ending a friendship is extremely emotional and arduous, so it becomes imperative that you take the time to heal and really move on. Many toxic friendships are born out of trying to prove to an “ex-friend” that you are all good, despite the friendship ending. In actual fact, such childish escapades are unnecessary. It is a lot easier to push through your pain and learn to have your own back than it is to put on that whole facade. When you don't take the time for yourself to heal, you end up becoming desperate to fill the space your friend used to be. This leads to you to become desperate and willing to enter into a series of unhealthy, toxic relationships where you are taken advantage of. And those relationships end badly and it becomes an addiction and a cycle that is much harder to break.

A Shot of Hennessy and Some Generic Fruit Juice

       You know when you are all nervous and jittery and when you have to change your first outfit because of the huge sweat patch? You don’t know how but you manage to convince yourself that the person you are going on a date with is probably a serial killer or a monster who runs a sweatshop in his basement and he will tie you up and lock you down there because you deserve it? Then you talk yourself down and convince yourself that you are overthinking the situation? Especially because in reality, he is the one who has to impress you, because you are smart, and witty and fabulous then you go back to feeling all nauseous and sweaty again because you are not? Yeah, well… this was me the evening of my first date and as it turns out, I was right. I should have been feeling like that, and just stayed in bed and watched Netflix like I wanted to deep down because, well because… I went on the date… and before I get into the actual happenings, it was… horrible… THE worst.
A little back story. I met this guy, you know what, scratch that.. I met this BOY, a little over a year ago at a mutual friend’s 21st birthday dinner. We pretty much hung out the entire night and he was cute and funny and charming. I mean, we talked and flirted (which I did not think I was capable of) and  we kissed a little and talked some more. A fourth year student at the University of Toronto, double-majoring in Political Science and History and minoring in French. You see? potential. So, he asked me for my number and added me on snapchat, because what is the difference these days? and we talked on and off the whole of last year. In December, he became a bit more forthcoming and consistent with the texts and snapchats and the lovestruck emojis, so I’m thinking this is going great. I mean, I probably got ahead of myself in head, but that’s not the point.
This past January, he asked me to go to a concert with him. First of all, FINALLY!!! and second, I’m thinking, this is smart, the perfect no pressure situation. A loud hiphop concert, so we can get the talking out of the way before and when we get there, we can just enjoy the music and have a few cuddles. Boy, was I wrong? I get to his apartment and this is about 8pm, and he is already halfway drunk but see, I am still making excuses for him in my head. I mean, this is a hiphop concert, its chill… he is not my boyfriend yet, he is allowed to do whatever he wants. I sit on the couch and take off my jacket because again with the sweatiness. He offers me a bit of Hennessy and fruit juice, and hands me a glass. As I make my drink, he hovers and proceeds to ask me if I brought any alcohol with me. Because you know? as the cheapie that he is, he cannot afford to let go of a little Hennessy and generic fruit juice.  We sit in silence for about ten minutes, after which he so politely and graciously informs me that he is going to the balcony to have a smoke and I could join him if I wanted. Again, I overlook the attitude and think to myself, I am a big girl, I can handle myself, he does not have to check in with me every two seconds.
On the balcony, he lights his cigarette and gives me a confused look and asks “what is your major again?.” Oo you mean the one I have probably told you twelve times already, but its ok, its a bit awkward so I’ll do anything for a little conversation. He makes a few jokes and calls me “impressive” so I blush and giggle like a little school girl. He then informs me that, we have to pick up a few of his “G’s” because they are going to the concert as well and makes sense for us to go together. All I could think was “this has got to be a joke”, “I took a shower for this!”, “Like, am I being punk’s”. This was it, this was the point I realized that I wasn’t on a date. I was either one of the guys or a booty call but again, I am getting ahead of myself.
So, we pick up his “G’s” and we all cram into the ONE uber he called. He also makes a gesture to me that suggests that for some strange reason, I should be extremely grateful for this but you know what? He can’t steal my joy because I hear one of the two songs I know and I have to get into the concert before it is over. We dance a little and cuddle and he tells me I smell like a garden of roses, MAJOR brownie points. By this point, I know exactly what he wants and I know he didn't say this to compliment me. He has probably done this a thousand times before and figures that a well-placed line like this could get him a lot further along in less time. So, I don't act the least bit phased and suddenly he begins to look a little worried. As the night progressed, it was clear to me that this was never about me or the concert. He could barely keep his hands to himself, which would normally be a compliment but it was not.
At about 11pm, the concert was over. I was tired, HUNGRY, half my makeup had melted off my face and I was irritated as hell so I just wanted to go home but no, this boy asks me to come back to his apartment to watch “Parks and Recreation.” What is so insulting is not even the fact that it was such a blatant lie, it was the fact that I meant so little to him that he couldn't be bothered to come up with a better excuse to drag me back to his apartment. The entitlement in his voice became more and more apparent,  and suddenly he began to look at me like I owed him this, because he bought me a ten dollar ticket and paid for my cab. I literally called my uber and got out of there as fast as I could. As soon as I get in my uber, I send him twenty dollars, so that we are clear that I do not owe him anything. Needless to say, we haven't spoken since and I am fine with that. My nerves and jitters were Jesus’ way of telling me to sit my ass in my apartment and watch Gilmore Girls in peace and I should have listened. All I could think of on my ride home was “what a goddamn waste of my time and my false eyelashes!”

Self-Sabotage

        William Jennings Bryan once said “Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” This can be quite difficult to fully grasp, when we are constantly told that we are special, and different and worthy, because such words resonate and give us comfort and unconsciously translate into a passivity and a dangerous nonchalance. We are convinced that no matter what happens, we will be “ok” and “everything will work out,” which is great and noble but I worry that this attitude can make us our own worst enemy.

On a recent episode of Grey’s Anatomy, Jesse Williams snatched all my edges when he pointed out that when we choke and stumble and stutter, it is not because the timing is off or because we are overreacting, we choke and stumble and stutter because when we speak our truth, it is often extremely uncomfortable and frightening. It is uncomfortable and frightening not because it isn't true or worth a discussion, but because we worry that we will say something wrong or be misunderstood, but this is a risk worth taking because the only thing worse than saying something wrong is not saying anything at all. I should also point out that many times, we feel uncomfortable because we try to make other people feel comfortable with our truth. Sometimes, the awkward pauses and the uncomfortable conversations are important for our own peace of mind. But it does not stop there, even though it very often does. After the awkwardness, you move on, you let it go, you forgive. To forgive, according to the Merriam Webster dictionary, is to stop feeling anger toward someone who has done something wrong. Many times people struggle to forgive because they feel it is a favour to the person who has treated them horribly. And I mean it is, but you know, it is all about perspective. In my opinion, the satisfaction of having something to hang over someone’s head is not worth the anxiety that comes with unforgiveness and bitterness. I think forgiveness becomes a little less difficult when you see it as something you are doing for yourself and not for them.

Speaking of toxic relationships, I recently learned that not everyone you get along with needs to be your friend and not everyone you form a friendship with is meant to be in your life forever. Friendship is very tricky, so I think the most important thing I have learned is not to force it, to let it happen organically. If you have to add something to your life to have something in common with a person, that can a red flag. I mean, chances are you are going to have to keep buying the things you will have in common with this person and if you are at the beginning of your career like me, this just isn't practical. Besides, anyone who belittles the way you live and the person you are, (assuming you are not a bloody horrible monster who collects little girls) is not worth your time or energy. This is not to say that you absolutely cannot form a friendship with a person you have nothing in common with. This is just to say that if you have to change who you are to become friends with a person, chances are that you will continue to change who you are to please this person and this is unhealthy.           The only people who are worth your time are the ones who accept you for the person you are right now. The ones who believe in you and your potential but whose friendship is not contingent on who they think you can be. Time is precious and unfortunately it is a finite and non-renewable resourse, thus it is counterintuitive to not make the most of the little that you do have. Whether it is spending time with dumb people or leaving till tomorrow what you can do today. Don Marquis once said that “procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday” and a literal waste of today. The most effective way to make the most of your time and resources is to get a person or people you can be accountable to. Disappointing another person makes the futility of procrastination significantly more apparent. It is your duty to surround yourself with people who you can learn from and who hold you accountable for your actions, push you out of your comfort zone and challenge you in ways that you cannot challenge yourself.

You know? like real people, not the severely altered and filtered versions of themselves, people put up on their Instagram profiles. One of the biggest sources of self-sabotage is social media and this is ironic because it is all make believe. It is as stupid as it sounds to compare your real life to someone else’s concocted life on social media. I mean, may be they have a better life than you do or maybe they don’t, but you better not be making this comparison off of their Instagram profile. I mean I’ll admit, I want to look cool and look like I have an amazing life on social media and who does not. It is not bad to want these things, what is unhealthy is being so focused on the way you look that you become desensitized to what is actually real. Social media is especially horrible and destructive because you never come across those Instagram accounts of your friends who are doing amazing things when you are having a super-productive day, it is almost always on the days when you feel horrible and like you are just the biggest failure. On those days, rather than wallow in self pity, take a step back and however many boxes of tissues and/or glasses of red wine it takes to separate what is real from what is fake and focus on what is real and the people and things that you do have in your life, because making this distinction has the potential to change the rest of your life.

No offence but...

Maya Angelou once said “there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” So, this is me telling my own story, this is how I feel and I refuse to apologize for it.
To be honest, I do not think there is such a thing as unintentional or polite racism. I think people are just becoming better at being racist, better at catching themselves when they say something offensive. So good that they have a quick “no offence” like salt bae on hand, and suddenly everything is supposed to be all peachy again.
Zora Neale Hurston once said “If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” So, this is not a time to be silent, it is a time to share stories and stand together as a community. After all, we are the only ones who will fully understand what it is really like to be black. The first time I realized I was black was a particular incident that happened with one of my “friends” when I was in first year. She sent me a text that read, and I am not joking, “I can say nigger now because I have a black friend.” I’m pretty sure in that very moment, I died a little inside. Not because this is pretty much the most offensive thing a human being can say to another human being but because I felt like I had to laugh it off and pretend like it was not a big deal. I had to act like there were no consequences for such a statement, and as it stands, there really isn’t.
I mean I was new in Canada at the time, and this was pretty much my first time being friends with a white person. I was unsure what the boundaries were and when it was appropriate to speak my mind. I think a part of me also assumed that we were both on a level playing field, I mean we did after all get accepted to the same prestigious university and the same program. However, if I’ve learned anything from the fact that Adele’s “25” won in every category it was nominated alongside Beyonce’s “Lemonade” at the Grammys, it is that racism does not exist because it is logical or sensible or justified, it exists because it is convenient. The Grammys made a bold statement on behalf of the world to black people, that they recognize our best but it just does not matter. We are constantly told that they will listen to what we say but never really try to hear us. They will let us vote but always elect the one that best suits them. They will let us speak but will also be quick to label us angry and bitter and savage afterwards.
Popular black activist and actor, Jesse Williams came out and said what everyone other black person thinks when he received the humanitarian award at the BET Awards last year. As a result, he received a lot of backlash and he was labelled “racist” and people started a petition online to get him fired. More recently, there were threats to boycott Netflix because of a new show called “Dear White People,” that aired on the platform. It just seems to me like, a lot of face value and hypocrisy. It is just like the child that cries when their friend wins the struggle for the toy, except the toy here is a voice and a platform and a little bit of recognition.
Not personal enough? Then I’ll tell you another little story. A couple of years ago, my older sister Maye and I took a stroll to Queen and Spadina to withdraw some money. Suddenly, we spotted a homeless white woman with a dog who was a bit rowdy. Let me point out here that neither of us is a fan of dogs, so naturally, we both got a little antsy. This woman noticed our demeanour and screamed at the top of her voice “This is not Africa, dogs don't bite!” So dumbfounded, my sister and I both, we stood there, stunned, numb, unable to react because it seemed like an outer-body experience. I mean this is clear indication of how little people who aren't black are required to think about the consequences of their actions.
J.K Rowling once said ‘the consequences of our actions are always so complicated, so diverse, that predicting the future is a very difficult business indeed.” I think that the first thing that comes to mind after reading such profound words is that we as black people, more than anyone else, know this all too well. In the sense that as black people, we have been taught to be guarded in our speech. We have been taught to think about what we want to say and all the different ways it can be construed and then think again, before we say it. We are never allowed to think out loud. Do not misunderstand me, I think we should definitely think about our words and our feelings but not in a bid to make other people feel comfortable with it. It is never the responsibility of one individual to modify their truth to serve another individual, especially not to a person who will not afford them the same “respect.” It is already difficult enough, trying to make sense of the world that we currently live in, to add figuring out what other people think and feel to the mix is a burden and unnecessary.
However, I do think it is important to pick your battles. I’m not backtracking or contradicting myself, what I am trying to say here is not that you should be quiet and passive but the last thing you want to do is feed into the stereotype of an angry black person that blames all their problems on racism. I mean you definitely don't want to bring your native dish to work for lunch because this discussion will not be about racism. It will be about how you as an individual, are making the work environment uncomfortable for other people.
Another thing I learned from the quote, is to read and stay woke and be present. I think this is the very essence of Black History month. It is, in my opinion, a chance to read and get as much information as possible, especially now that this information can be so easily accessed. I mean you cannot defend yourself in an argument if you do not know what you are saying, and you cannot be passionate about what you don't understand. Note that by educating yourself, I do not mean double-tapping pictures about Black history on Instagram, I mean actually doing some research of your own and forming your own opinions. While I was in Nigeria, I visited Badagry, which is known as the hub of slave trade in Nigeria. During my visit, I learned just how little black people were and are valued, which didn't surprise too much. I’ll tell you what did surprise me was the seed of deceit that was sown and how easily the slave masters were able to convince black people to see themselves the way they saw them and something about it felt familiar.
I came to realization that the world has always been good at pitting black people against each other because they realized probably earlier than we did, that this was the only way to win. There is always rhetoric around competition and dog fighting and the notion that there is only opportunity for one black person in a room full of white people. It happens all the way from the White House to the board room of a Fortune-500 company to the classrooms of prestigious universities. Black people seemed to be used for face value more than anything else, and this is not due to a lack of talent or expertise or experience.
We may not be chained anymore but we are very much still in slavery. Racism is intentional and strategic, because it constantly puts black people in situations where they are can be harassed, overlooked, provoked, outnumbered and/or outranked. This is why a fifteen-year old American boy can wear a hat that has the words “Make America Great Again” slapped across the front and be surprised when he is attacked and made to think about his actions. This is why a college student of a prestigious university in America can rape an unconscious black woman and get way with a slap on the wrist. This is why the unemployment rate of a black university graduate is twice as high as their non-black counterparts.
I do not feel the need to end my rant/story on a positive note because this story has not ended quite yet. I sincerely hope that it gets better, but I am also well prepared for the worst. This is not a sad story, and in fact if there is anything I want you to learn from my story, it is that despite all that I and many other Black people face in the world, I am and will always be a proud black woman.

To be honest

         To be honest, I think it is the subjectivity of art that often discredits it. As millennials, we like to think that subjectivity means freedom but in actual fact, it really means hierarchy and the race to finish first has already begun. We like to think we live in a world and a time where we are free to think or feel or express ourselves the way we want to and maybe this is somewhat true, but it is also true that we desperately crave validation and approval to some degree from anyone we come in contact with. We secretly hope that the sales advisor at Topshop agrees that the sheer top is not slutty but edgy and we buy coffee from a fancy coffee shop not because we can afford it or because we are coffee connoisseurs, but because it will look cool on Instagram. We do a lot of the things we do for other people, so when we have to talk about a love and a passion for art, it is done in a way that ends up belittling the practice, expertise and magic it takes to be a true artist. Judging by the fact that our little friend Google was ready, on-hand to complete my question when I tried typing in the question “Are artists smart?’, it is safe to say this is an issue burning like wild fire in the minds of today’s youth. I mean I’ll just say this, there would no need to look for these answers if people felt like they had them. In my experience, people look at artsy people the way I look at Nicki Minaj when she “sings.” Like I can’t tell if you are being serious. I know this because whenever I meet someone new and they ask what my deal is, I immediately feel attacked and defensive. I lead with the fact that I am graduating with Honours from the University of Toronto with a Bachelors of Arts in Employment Relations and Sociology in the summer. And then I mention my blog in passing like it is what they assume it to be, just some phase or cute little passion project I do on the side. Then I look in the mirror and justify my actions and reassure myself that this does not mean anything, after all “I am a strong, independent black woman just like Beyoncé, who does not need validation from a random stranger.”

I guess what I am trying to say here is that, I agree that society often belittles and pigeonholes and overlooks the potential and legitimacy of art but it is not without the help of artists themselves. I think that by being unwilling or hesitant to accept your art and share it with the world, you are also saying that art isn't important. You are agreeing with the status quo and the insane, unspoken belief that being good at art is not good enough. And I know the crippling fear that accompanies sharing your art with anyone, I mean art can feel incredibly personal. It is hard enough dealing with your demons and insecurities and second guessing and creative blocks and everything else that comes with being creative, but I listened to a speech that Will Smith gave about how skydiving became cathartic for him and it gave me some perspective. I mean, being an artist is kind of like skydiving except there isn't a parachute in the end, so it is good to know that “God placed the best things in life on the other side of terror.” Because while the subjectivity in art is what makes it comforting, it is also what makes it utterly terrifying. I think more than anything I learned that it is alright to feel absolutely terrified to share your art but what should be more terrifying is the thought of not sharing it at all.

I think artists have become experts at self-sabotage and I think it is time to stop pointing fingers at other people and take responsibility for some of it. The word “utopia” means "a good place" and "no place at all", which makes sense because a lot of artists have a hard time differentiating between “a good place” and “no place at all”. I know this all too well, because in the year before I started my blog, I was writing and I thought I had a decent shot but it was especially blissful because I was the only one reading the pieces so there was no criticism. But as we know, this is a dangerous place because while it is a magical land of unicorns and cotton candy and rainbows, it is a fantasy and fantasies aren't real. A huge part of being an artist is putting yourself out there and get feedback as an artist, because again, this is the beautiful thing about subjectivity, a person only has as much power over you as you give them. Yes, being successful in the arts is hugely dependent on other people’s opinions and it is a  thousand times more difficult than the sciences or business because there is not a clear path but it is doable. I think it is a lot less scary once you realize that putting yourself out there is the first step of taking a gamble on yourself. It is the first thing you can do to show that you are not perfect but you believe in your story and your abilities as an artist. So, do it for you not for anyone else. Being successful in the arts is about being bold enough tell your truth and own it, because you are the only person skilled enough to speak your own truth. This is not to say that, there will not be criticism because speaking the truth is noble and good but not everyone will identify with it and even if they do, not everyone will like the way you have chosen to tell it. No matter how juicy your peach is, there are people who prefer apples and people who don't like fruit at all. I guess this is just one of those stories that do not have a happy ending or maybe it does, like I said, it is all about perspective.

Insecure... still

       The moment I published my first post on this blog was exactly three years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday, a little confused and really unsure of what I was getting myself into, I decided to rip off the band aid. To celebrate, I re-read my first article and it is just as cringe-worthy as I thought it would be, but it is also proof that I may not be where I want to be but I am also not where I used to be. So I am thankful for growth and the strength to persevere and the community of amazing people I have been blessed with. 

      Franz Kafka once said “Don’t bend; don't water it down, don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your intense obsessions mercilessly.” So, this is me, killing two birds with one stone and I can feel it already, this is going to be a long one, so grab a cup of coffee or garri or whatever your deal is, because here goes everything...

As a girl who struggles with feeling insecure, I know that it is not always about a man or the way I look. This is not to say that I don’t worry about those things because I do, of course I do. I fear that I am not attractive enough and I fear that I do not fit into society’s beauty ideal. I would like to be noble and brave and go against the status quo and I consider myself a feminist but I am also human which makes it is quite difficult not to overthink and worry about these things. Especially when I am constantly being told that I am too flabby, too acned, too black, too opinionated, too shy and too wide-eyed to be beautiful. 

      In a world that is plagued with so much toxicity and envy and competition, I fear that not being competitive in the conventional sense, makes me mediocre and unambitious. I attend professional events quite often, and at these things, people expect you to network and sound like you have a bit of sense, so I know the prestige attached to being competitive and assertive and making your presence known. Thus, when I struggle to get into this head space and present myself this way, I feel insecure and out of place but shoutout to cue cards, breath mints and a little red wine for helping a girl out. In my creative life, I am a little insecure about the quality of my work as a writer, it is less a fear of judgement or criticism as it is a fear of not being good enough. Over the past three years, I am sure that I have gotten closer to finding my voice and while this is comforting, it is a new journey, one whose possibility and potential and magic is just as daunting and scary and nerve wracking as starting to look for it in the first place. With every article I publish, there are on average, two or three other very similar ones that I never finish. I am reluctant to write, not due to a lack of inspiration, but because when I write, I fear that I am not making sense or that I am not quite sure where I am going with it, so I hesitate. 

      I think one of the most obvious signs of insecurity is consciously or unconsciously setting low standards. Insecurity convinces and camouflages low standards as realism. Insecurity makes dreams and aspirations reasonable, logical and within reach, which defeats the purpose of having dreams in the first place. Insecurity blinds you and cripples you and makes you numb to the fact that you bring something to the table, worthy of respect and recognition. Insecurity is also toxic and poisonous and has the potential to damage a person’s relationships. An insecure person is never wrong, which makes it hard to have conversations. An insecure person thrives off of their ability to always be right and talk down to another person when offering their opinion, which most sane people do not want to be around that kind of energy. An insecure person can criticize and correct but never be criticized or corrected, which seems inherently unfair and ridiculous. Insecure people are fragile and they live off of other people’s perceptions of them and constantly getting reassured, which ain’t nobody got time for that. Insecure people are chronic attention seekers, they are the ones who go off on tangents and rants on their social media, which is incredibly irritating.

      Insecurity makes one feel the need to appear to be more than they really are. Thus, if you constantly need to tell or show other people what you have, you are probably insecure. If you are the person who feels the need to top anybody else’s story, then you are probably insecure. If you are the first one to get personal and defensive in an argument, then you are probably insecure. See, when a person is insecure about their intellectual life, they hurl insults and hit below the belt in efforts to distract from the initial conversation, rather rude than dumb. Insecure people are bad winners and sore losers. They are not good at relationships because they never let the other person live down their mistakes and they always have to have the upper hand and the last word in an argument.

Even if none of these apply to you, everyone deals with insecurity in some capacity. This is not what matters, what matters is how you react to it and how you deal with it, because as Erich Fromm once said “the task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to tolerate insecurity.” Tolerating insecurity does not mean accepting it means being aware of it but still not letting it define who you are. So, this means if there is a friendship or a relationship that you ruined because you were insecure, now would be a good time to fix that. And if there is something you have been wanting to do but have been crippled and scared by the possibility of failure, now is as good a time as any to jump in head first.

      It’s been three years and I am finally starting to feel like I am inspired by my fears and insecurities and not crippled by them. It is weirdly liberating and wildly cathartic to speak about what gives you anxiety because at the end of the day, these things only have as much power as you give them. The thing about insecurity is that it is like a lie, it builds up and has the potential to take on a life of its own. Insecurity is like a cancer, if it is left to fester, it has the potential to affect to spread and become terminal. So, I think that more than anything, Erich Fromm encourages us not to fight insecurity or ignore it for that matter. I think what he is trying is say is that, inevitability also means assurance, thus we should use our own insecurities and fears to our own advantage. Maybe I am just being selfish or maybe I hope that by sharing my truth, I have helped you feel better about yours, less judged and less alone, maybe a little bit of both. But I truly hope that my looking in the mirror has helped you see a little bit of yourself. I hope I have done that not just with this article but with my blog, my voice and my platform. 

Happy third year anniversary and here’s to you and everything you are to me.

                                                                                                                                         Love,

                                                                                                                                                 Nini